Angel1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Angel, What part did you confuse and don't apply because I really thought your posts were good? I appreciate all your support as dealing with her has probably been the hardest thing that I have done. I said that she broke up with you - that was incorrect. I was thinking of someone else. Your post and his are very similar.
stoneymirror Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I'm currently in the same boat Tincup. I've been dealing with this for a year now and I'm so ready to call it quits. She blows up on me, says all these nasty things about the relationship and how much it sucks and literally threatens to break up with me every week. Unlike your GF, mine is very angry and swears and yells and totally loses it. Then when I try and tell her how her actions make me feel she puts it back on my shoulders like its my issue and she is always telling me she doesn't have the energy to cater towards my feelings. I'm so fed up with her, she lives in this bubble and it's totally psycho. I love her, but lately I've grown to almost hate her. It's just so hard to remove myself from this relationship cause she's always so sweet afterwards, but without question her psycho side comes out again and again and I can't deal with it anymore. I'd suggest you run and run fast, the longer you hold onto these feelings the harder it's going to be. I'm coming to find this isn't the type of person for me, and my relationship is very unhealthy for me, so I've given up completely. What's crazy is the less you try and the more you withdraw the more she'll want you, and try and manipulate you to thinking she'll change. She Won't without a lot of therapy. Good luck, there's a million fish in the sea, cast your line out sooner than later and you'll forget about the last catch in no time. Use this relationship as a gauge for future relationships and walk away happy knowing you're a better man. Lastly I have to mention or ask, do you get knots in your stomach when you approach certain topics or feel like you can't be yourself, if so these are good indicators it won't ever last.
squishy Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I broke up with an emotionally and verbally abusive man years ago, he was unstable, the relationship was toxic and I let myself become a doormat. We were only together for maybe a year before I couldn't take it anymore. Things were over for me before they were even over, so breaking contact was easy for me and I was relieved after getting the courage to do it. He said he was okay with it at first and agreed, but soon after things got really bad. From threatening suicide, to non-stop harassment through phone calls and begging. Long story short, it escalated in a scary way and I had to get a restraining order! Not good times...things could be worse trust me.
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I'm so fed up with her, she lives in this bubble and it's totally psycho. I love her, but lately I've grown to almost hate her. It's just so hard to remove myself from this relationship cause she's always so sweet afterwards, but without question her psycho side comes out again and again and I can't deal with it anymore. What's crazy is the less you try and the more you withdraw the more she'll want you, and try and manipulate you to thinking she'll change. She Won't without a lot of therapy. These are truly love/hate relationships. But here's something to think about - the good times are also a part of the abuse cycle. Read Lundy Bancroft's book - 'Why Does He Do That?' - and you'll understand what you're truly dealing with. This is not something that will be cured with therapy. I wish you luck and hope you get out of this relationship sooner than later.
Author Tincup Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Thanks for the responses (especially today). I really needed to hear this stuff. You guys are great and the support is amazing. I am sure I am going to cycle through this several more times. Angel-I tried to find the book tonight and could not locate a copy. I am going to keep trying. It is sad to think that the good times were also part of the abuse. She seemed so happy and content when she was with me. I would like to think that she really enjoyed that time. Whenever she was really comfortable, like if we were laying watching a movie or something, she would rock back and forth almost like a baby. I was reading somewhere that people like her have the emotional capacity of a child, which is why you get the intense anger along with the joy. But they just don't have the capacity to interact like a real adult. All I know is I really miss her, but I can't go back.
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Thanks for the responses (especially today). I really needed to hear this stuff. You guys are great and the support is amazing. I am sure I am going to cycle through this several more times. Angel-I tried to find the book tonight and could not locate a copy. I am going to keep trying. It is sad to think that the good times were also part of the abuse. She seemed so happy and content when she was with me. I would like to think that she really enjoyed that time. Whenever she was really comfortable, like if we were laying watching a movie or something, she would rock back and forth almost like a baby. I was reading somewhere that people like her have the emotional capacity of a child, which is why you get the intense anger along with the joy. But they just don't have the capacity to interact like a real adult. All I know is I really miss her, but I can't go back. You should be able to order the book off of Amazon or something like that. It's been out for awhile. She probably did enjoy the good times with you but unless you want a 'child' in a relationship - an ill-mannered one at that - then you're doing the right thing by staying away. I know it hurts though.
ssuzanness Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Angel...your posts are quite helpful.....i am in the process of breaking up...going back...to an emotionally abusive man. I need to get your reccomended book asap. this is so hard...
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Angel...your posts are quite helpful.....i am in the process of breaking up...going back...to an emotionally abusive man. I need to get your reccomended book asap. this is so hard... That really makes me feel good to hear that I'm helping others. It almost makes it worth all the crap I went through with my ex. We weren't married that long but it was long enough to hurt me a lot. I do know how it feels and I know that the 'break up and get back together' cycles are tormenting. Yes, please get that book. Honestly, nothing changed my attitude toward my ex the way that book did - and I read a lot on the subject. I needed to hear it from another man. I needed to hear what these people are made of because I had no idea, and I needed to know why I was so deeply entrenched in such a ridiculous relationship. It was all there. Good luck and please stay in touch.
stoneymirror Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Angel, I feel like I'm living your old nightmare. Don't want to jack this thread, but I feel so trapped in my relationship. This cycle is killing me. It's her B-day this weekend and she called me last night and she apologized and she told me how she thinks she may have some real big issues, and broke down on me. Got feeling really guilty again and put myself back into this crap. I feel in my heart that she's just going to explode on me again, it's just a matter of time. I was doing a lot of reading on BPD and I feel like my girl fits the bill. Right now I'm really doubting I can go through this any longer, especially after discovering how childish these peoples emotions are, and how they only see black and white, good or bad. One minute they love you, the next you feel like a slave to their wrath. I hate it. Then you get sucked in and it all happens over and over again.
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) Angel, I feel like I'm living your old nightmare. Don't want to jack this thread, but I feel so trapped in my relationship. This cycle is killing me. It's her B-day this weekend and she called me last night and she apologized and she told me how she thinks she may have some real big issues, and broke down on me. Got feeling really guilty again and put myself back into this crap. I feel in my heart that she's just going to explode on me again, it's just a matter of time. I was doing a lot of reading on BPD and I feel like my girl fits the bill. Right now I'm really doubting I can go through this any longer, especially after discovering how childish these peoples emotions are, and how they only see black and white, good or bad. One minute they love you, the next you feel like a slave to their wrath. I hate it. Then you get sucked in and it all happens over and over again. She broke up with you, right? I know it's hard to not get sucked into their drama but you're going to have to remain firm if you want to disentangle yourself from this relationship. Even if you somewhat caved in this time around, you can still back off - if you want to. Here are some ideas: tell her that you've given it some more thought and now realize that it was the best decision for her to end the relationship because you were also unhappy, and that yes you agree that she has issues that she would be smart to work on. But also tell her that even though you lost your good judgement, you still want the relationship to remain over. How does that sound? Edited December 8, 2009 by Angel1111
ssuzanness Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 tincup...i feel your pain.....i am not "officially" broken up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend...but may as well be. today i am so sad..missing him so much...i keep asking myself why!...cause i know if i move in with him again..i will regret it...he will be nice for a day..then itwill start all over again..UGH!! :confused:ANGEL...do these emotionally abusing people ever stop? should i stop hoping..."this time will be different"? like i stated before..i plan on getting your reccommened book tomorrow....he has been calling today but i haven't answered.....if i talk to him..i know i'll get sucked in...
Angel1111 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 tincup...i feel your pain.....i am not "officially" broken up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend...but may as well be. today i am so sad..missing him so much...i keep asking myself why!...cause i know if i move in with him again..i will regret it...he will be nice for a day..then itwill start all over again..UGH!! :confused:ANGEL...do these emotionally abusing people ever stop? should i stop hoping..."this time will be different"? like i stated before..i plan on getting your reccommened book tomorrow....he has been calling today but i haven't answered.....if i talk to him..i know i'll get sucked in... No, they don't ever stop. They don't stop because they're addicted to the powerful feeling they get when they abuse someone. What I noticed about going back after a break up is that things actually got worse each time. I think the reason for that is because they realize that you're capable of leaving, and it angers them. So I think they rationalize that if they can abuse you more, you'll be less likely to leave. Or maybe they're just so angry about the break up that they can't control themselves. My ex and I were married 4 yrs but we only lived together 2 of those 4 yrs - and not consecutively. I used to feel as you do - that I didn't know how to let go. But, today, I'm so happy to be away from him words cannot describe it. I don't miss him one tiny drop.
XKatieX Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) No, they don't ever stop. They don't stop because they're addicted to the powerful feeling they get when they abuse someone. What I noticed about going back after a break up is that things actually got worse each time. I think the reason for that is because they realize that you're capable of leaving, and it angers them. So I think they rationalize that if they can abuse you more, you'll be less likely to leave. Or maybe they're just so angry about the break up that they can't control themselves. My ex and I were married 4 yrs but we only lived together 2 of those 4 yrs - and not consecutively. I used to feel as you do - that I didn't know how to let go. But, today, I'm so happy to be away from him words cannot describe it. I don't miss him one tiny drop. Can I ask what he did, was it verbal abuse? I've been reading peoples stories all the time, and was just curious to know if I was emotionally abusive to my bf. I never cheated on him or really lied to him about anything. But I would get mad at him easily, call him names, and cuss. He did the same thing to me though, but leading to the break up it was mostly me. The thing is I have a deep love and care for him, I would never ever try to hurt him but I did say a lot of hurtful things that I regret. Every time he breaks up with me I come running back, I send him emails saying how sorry I am, but now hes at the point of no return. I find it hard to put it all on myself because as I said he did a lot of the same things I did, but in the end when things got worse it was me that led to the downfall. I just don't understand why he or I would say horrible things to each other when we loved each other so much?? It's just not how you talk to someone that you love. I want to work things out with him still even though he doesn't want to come back. I still feel like we never really tried in the first place. There was no real compromise, communication, or respect. I will never understand why we let things get the way they are. Edited December 9, 2009 by XKatieX
Angel1111 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) Can I ask what he did, was it verbal abuse? The majority of the time it was verbal. But some people can't imagine how bad verbal can get - hours and hours of yelling and arguing and belittling. Sometimes it was physical in the sense that he used physical strength as a subtle threat - like blocking my way when I would try to leave the house during an argument, standing very close to my face and yelling loudly, ripping the fabric down from the bed frame that I had put up to show how much he hated it, etc. That's the extent of what I can remember and I don't care to remember any more. I rarely think about him and the things he did. Edited December 9, 2009 by Angel1111
ssuzanness Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 yes ...mine is verbal too!!..My boyfriend will say things that he knows will upset me. then says mean things too like..."i never met anyone that crys as much as you!" or says mean things about my family..."I hate your sister".. "i wouldn't care if they all died"..."i'm going to have some one hurt your daughter"...the list is endless....he would try to stop me from leaving too...stand in front of car...take keys..lock doors..horrible things...then the next day he writes letters of how he is sorry..loves me so much..never has loved anyone like he loves me.....then most of the time i went back..i thought it would be better...but it wasn't...this time i haven't gone back....but it is hard..i know that sounds stupid...but for some reason..i feel as if i still love him..and want to be with him......??
muse08 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 What's crazy is the less you try and the more you withdraw the more she'll want you, and try and manipulate you to thinking she'll change. She Won't without a lot of therapy. Yes that is TRULY crazy but it seems to be the state of relationships these days... Check out most NC posts and general threads...
XKatieX Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 yes ...mine is verbal too!!..My boyfriend will say things that he knows will upset me. then says mean things too like..."i never met anyone that crys as much as you!" or says mean things about my family..."I hate your sister".. "i wouldn't care if they all died"..."i'm going to have some one hurt your daughter"...the list is endless....he would try to stop me from leaving too...stand in front of car...take keys..lock doors..horrible things...then the next day he writes letters of how he is sorry..loves me so much..never has loved anyone like he loves me.....then most of the time i went back..i thought it would be better...but it wasn't...this time i haven't gone back....but it is hard..i know that sounds stupid...but for some reason..i feel as if i still love him..and want to be with him......?? If is he verbalizing threats against your own daughter he needs SERIOUS help.
Angel1111 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 yes ...mine is verbal too!!..My boyfriend will say things that he knows will upset me. then says mean things too like..."i never met anyone that crys as much as you!" or says mean things about my family..."I hate your sister".. "i wouldn't care if they all died"..."i'm going to have some one hurt your daughter"...the list is endless....he would try to stop me from leaving too...stand in front of car...take keys..lock doors..horrible things...then the next day he writes letters of how he is sorry..loves me so much..never has loved anyone like he loves me.....then most of the time i went back..i thought it would be better...but it wasn't...this time i haven't gone back....but it is hard..i know that sounds stupid...but for some reason..i feel as if i still love him..and want to be with him......?? Please tell me that you're not still with this person. That's a total dealbreaker when anyone threatens your child. Get away from this person NOW!!!!!
Author Tincup Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 okay I am feeling kind of rough today. Plus I know she is going to try to contact me soon if she holds to her regular patterns. Each time she contacts me I loose it a bit more. Okay loveshack, let me have it...tell me how it is...tell me to get off my ass and stop thinking about her, worrying about her contacting me etc.
ssuzanness Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 angel, i am not living with this person...he keeps calling...says if i don't move in apt with him then just forget about our realtionship!! he still speaks poorly of my family...but he says it is their own fault he doesn't like them. i got the book that you reccommended...it is awesome!! thanks...i'm staying strong...trying...
Angel1111 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 angel, i am not living with this person...he keeps calling...says if i don't move in apt with him then just forget about our realtionship!! he still speaks poorly of my family...but he says it is their own fault he doesn't like them. i got the book that you reccommended...it is awesome!! thanks...i'm staying strong...trying... I'm glad you're staying strong but, honestly, if any man even mentioned threatening my child I wouldn't have to get over him or be strong. This is inexcusable and he doesn't deserve any more of your time or attention. Not to mention all the other crap he has pulled. Take out the guesswork for him and send him a very simple email or text (that's the best he deserves) saying something along the lines of, "Our relationship is over. Do not ever contact me again." One of the main things that abusive people do is try to isolate you - that's why they criticize your family and friends. The more isolated you are, the more afraid you'll become and the less likely you are to leave.
ssuzanness Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Thank you so much angell!! I do have some fear perhaps that's why i haven't officially ended it. Because i am not at his beckon call he just texed me to leave him alone. then 10 min later he is calling and texting...calling me a baby cause i am living at my mom's house ( hello, it's free, and helps me get re established, since he financially drained me) then telling me he is at his ex- girlfriends tattoo shop , getting a new tattoo from her. I know he is just trying to make me jealous. she left him after living with him for 2 yrs. not sure of all the details.....anyway....ugh!! my head is spinning. but getting stronger...the book does help and so do you!! thanks
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