Tincup Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Hi all-I broke up about a month ago with a woman who is emotionally abusive. We agreed to not have contact with each other at all as that is what she said she wanted, and I was okay with that as well. She continues to text me, starting first with subtle hints that she might hurt herself and continuing every couple of days to texts of "i miss you" and so on. I am not really sure what is going on in her head, but I don't think that she wanted to break up. I am just trying to gauge what I can expect from her and how long it will last? She has not tried to call me, or show up at my house yet (we live only a mile or so apart). Just want others experience with what to expect from someone who is emotionally abusive.
candoit Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 obviously she wants you back , how long had you been togather ?
Author Tincup Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 we were together for a year and a half.
candoit Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 it will probably go on for a few weeks and hopefully she gets the strength to move on
New Again Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 She's the one who wanted no contact? And is now texting you? Since she's the abuser, I think you should interpret her actions (first breaking up and/or requesting NC) as a manipulation tactic. You need to block her number. Unless of course you want to get sucked into the relationship again.
Art_Critic Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 You need to block her number. Unless of course you want to get sucked into the relationship again. and sucked into the Drama.. Wow.. any person.. male or female that holds hurting themselves over your head isn't worth your time and they will only cause more pain in your life.. Who wants to be held captive by someone who at every turn threatens suicide or hurting themselves.. Yuck !
billy356 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I wouldnt consider her as emotionally abusive. From the limited info that you have given to support that claim I would only go so far as emotionally unstable. There isnt anything in what you said that shows she was trying to emotionally harm, berate, demean, or stifle you. She has tried to manipulate you with some success though. No contact. if you ever truly think she has the intent of hurting herself then call the police not her. Make sure your mutual friends know she is threatening this as well. If you still care about her this wont be easy but it doesnt change the fact that it has to be done.
New Again Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 threatening suicide or self harm is a manipulation tactic, and it is emotional abuse.
Author Tincup Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 She has done other things to make me say she is emotionally abusive. If she was not actually with me she would be texting me. If I did not respond to a text in a timely manner she would break up with me because I was not "there for her". She would also say that I did not put enough into the relationship when in fact I was the one putting the effort into the relationship. She also slowly would keep me from seeing friends. And whenever I did she would turn it into a big production about how she did not mean anything to me and never wanted to spend time with her. It got to the point where my cell phone was with me at all times, and I would text her back within a few minutes of getting the text (she never called me). She would also accuse me of cheating on her any time she was suppose to see me and something would come up (either at work, or my kids)
Author Tincup Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I also do not think she was serious about hurting herself. She also has kids and is very into them. She would not hurt herself. I think she was just using that against me. She has broken up with me about 6 times in the year and a half and each time I have gone back to her. Mainly because me not responding to a text is a bulls*it reason to break up.
New Again Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Mainly because me not responding to a text is a bulls*it reason to break up. Well yeah...it is..and then you look at the bigger picture and realize that is a symptom of worse behavior...right? So this time that you two broke up and she suggested NC - did she break up with you over not texting? Or did you break up with her over her crappy behavior? Or what? I'm telling you, the only way to really end this for good is to STOP TALKING TO HER AT ALL. BLOCK HER NUMBER. DO NOT OPEN YOUR DOOR TO HER. Etc.
Author Tincup Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 The reason we broke up this time was different from my perspective. She called my son hateful in a discussion we had and said that I was a bad father over how I handled a situation (a minor situation in my opinion). She was so upset over this discussion that she did not want to see me that night. 10 minutes later I got a text from her that said we "need to get away for the weekend". I responded back that we should sleep on it and talk about that in the morning. Then I called her in the morning to see if she wanted to go away and she did not answer her phone. I got a text message a few minutes later that "the weekend lost its appeal when you had to sleep on it". I really did not hear from her the rest of the weekend until Sunday evening when she sent me a text that "I have had time to think and we need to talk about us". I went over to see her and at this point I was done with this whole thing because of the things she said about my kids. This was no longer about me. She was upset with me solely because I did not jump on her offer to go away for the weekend. she said that I did not know what she needs. I had apologized to her the day before about saying that we should sleep on it and decide in the morning. At the time I thought that was best since 10 minutes before she did not want to see me. So in the end she did not see how she offended me regarding the kids. I know that I could have handled things differently regarding going away for the weekend but said to her that at the time I thought I handled things the best way I knew how. She however only sees things her way. We agreed then to no contact at all (phone, email, or text)
DustySaltus Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 She has done other things to make me say she is emotionally abusive. If she was not actually with me she would be texting me. If I did not respond to a text in a timely manner she would break up with me because I was not "there for her". She would also say that I did not put enough into the relationship when in fact I was the one putting the effort into the relationship. She also slowly would keep me from seeing friends. And whenever I did she would turn it into a big production about how she did not mean anything to me and never wanted to spend time with her. It got to the point where my cell phone was with me at all times, and I would text her back within a few minutes of getting the text (she never called me). She would also accuse me of cheating on her any time she was suppose to see me and something would come up (either at work, or my kids) Sounds like a textbook case of bpd. I hate to try and "diagnose" people but you should look it up and see if the symptoms match how she behaves. My EX has bpd and I will tell you that it does not get any easier. When ANYONE starts holding harming themselves over your head, you need to run for the hills. Not only is it a crazy, crazy thing to thing about but it's also extremely SELFISH, because she's not allowing you to move on. NC, run....please
Author Tincup Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 So I get a text from her last night that said "I'm going on a date. It is surreal that it is not with you". And for some reason this really gets to me. I know I still care about her, but that does not change the fact that she drives me crazy. Why would you tell your ex that you are going on a date...I am glad that she is moving on, I just realize that I am no where close to dating yet. At this point the whole idea of dating actually makes me ill thinking about it. Can anyone else relate to anything I just said?
Angel1111 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 So I get a text from her last night that said "I'm going on a date. It is surreal that it is not with you". And for some reason this really gets to me. I know I still care about her, but that does not change the fact that she drives me crazy. Why would you tell your ex that you are going on a date...I am glad that she is moving on, I just realize that I am no where close to dating yet. At this point the whole idea of dating actually makes me ill thinking about it. Can anyone else relate to anything I just said? OMG, this stuff is so classic with abusive people. Do yourself a favor and write this person off forever and find a decent human being to be in your life. She is total crap and will wreck your life beyond belief. This date this is also crap - she's making it up. If she were sincere about moving on, she wouldn't be throwing it in your face like that. Can't you see the game behind this? Can't you see the manipulation behind it? Everything she says and does is about manipulating and controlling you. I was married to a man like this and once he started becoming verbally abusive to my son, I drew the line. (In our short 4 yr marriage, we only lived together 2 of those yrs because there was so much upheaval in the marriage.) Before we got back together the last time, I set a few ground rules - that his behavior toward me had to stop, and that if he ever lit into my son again, I would leave him without having any discussion about it. About 6 mos into being back together again, he lit into my son and I said, "I thought we talked about this." He became very sheepish and agreed that we had. And I said, "I thought so," and I never said another word about it. I was already on my way out because nothing had changed between us, but going after my son was a total dealbreaker. Years later, when I really thought about it though, I realized that my ex always treated my son like he was a visitor in his own home, so even though he wasn't outright abusive to him, his indifference and coldness toward my son was abuse. My son didn't like my ex at all, and my son gets along with most people. I would tell anyone to not marry a person who does not love and respect your kids, or who competes for your attention with your kids. That is the first dealbreaker. And, btw, there was no reason whatsoever for you to apologize about the trip. Listen to your instincts and stop letting people control you. You had just had an argument with her and then she suddenly wanted to take a fun little trip together. That's complete nonsense. Any normal person would know this. She's completely unstable-minded, totally unreasonable, controlling and manipulative. People like this will make your life a living hell. She did you a HUGE favor by ending the relationship. Now keep it that way.
gcd145 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Visit this site: http://bpdfamily.com/discussions/message-board.htm Sounds to me like you may find information you can use.
Author Tincup Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 thank you very much for that information. I went to the site and did much reading. I do think that might sum her up, except for the part about the temper. oddly enough I have never seen her get mad at me in person except for once. When she was physically with me she was ALWAYS very happy and content. The only time she had issues was when we were apart.
Author Tincup Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Why is she so calm and content when I am with her? What changes when I leave to go home or work? It is almost impossible to have a disagreement with her. when I told her how bad she hurt me her response was that "you hurt me much more"
Angel1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I know this isn't going to make any difference but I'll say it anyway....just in case. You're a rational and sane person. It's beyond your ability to think in the way that she thinks, so you're trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. You can make yourself crazy asking why. I did this for a long time - why does he act this way, why is he sabotaging his life, why is it only when...blah, blah, blah. The bottom line is she is making you nuts. She ended it. You have had numerous break-ups with her. This is NOT a stable relationship - history has told you that. And it NEVER WILL BE STABLE. She plays games. She deliberately hurts you. She gets angry for no good reason. This woman is not marriage material. She is not long-term relationship material. She isn't relationship material at all. If it helps, read the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled, "Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)". I'm guessing that you'll see a lot of her in that book. And here's the deal, if you marry her, everything she's doing now will be multiplied by 10. She will be 10x more unreasonable, she will be 10x more abusive, she will be 10x more insane toward you. I'm not kidding about this. It's not entertaining to be with people like this. As I said before - she ended it. Keep it that way. My guess is that the next stunt she'll pull is she'll tell you that she's pregnant. Just watch - the games have just begun.
Angel1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Why is she so calm and content when I am with her? What changes when I leave to go home or work? It is almost impossible to have a disagreement with her. when I told her how bad she hurt me her response was that "you hurt me much more" The short answer is that she doesn't trust you. And there is NOTHING you can do to gain her trust because she trusts no one.
muse08 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 threatening suicide or self harm is a manipulation tactic, and it is emotional abuse. Exactly. We sometimes think that ONLY threats, name calling, etc count as abuse. Not true.
Angel1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I confused your post with someone else's and made reference to things that don't apply to you. Sorry about that.
Author Tincup Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Angel, What part did you confuse and don't apply because I really thought your posts were good? I appreciate all your support as dealing with her has probably been the hardest thing that I have done.
Author Tincup Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 BTW, this whole thing stinks. After all that I have gone through, and all that she has done I miss her SO bad. I know the relationship will not work. I know she is not right for me....BUT...I miss talking to her..I miss holding her...I miss hearing about her day...I miss the look in her eyes when she saw me... I am not thinking about the manipulation that went on...I am not thinking about the eggshells...I am not thinking about how FRUSTRATED the woman makes me when things are not going well...Right at this moment I miss the 90% good relationship and not the 10% bad. And the fact that I got a text from her last night that said that she loves me does not help the situation at all...this sucks plain and simple. I really wish I did not care or had the ability to easily put her out of my mind but I can't...this is one of those bad days and I pretty much think it was because she broke NC once again..
Angel1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I know. It is SO hard to disentangle from relationships - even bad ones. I think it's those receptors in our brains that are like drugs to us. But if you break the connection long enough, it will stop hurting. I just have to say that if you can't do this and if you do go back to her, then that might be what it takes for you to finally get tired of her behavior. I did that with my ex, plus I read a book that totally changed the way I looked at him and I lost all hope for change (Lundy Bancroft - 'Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'). He was just screwing me up so badly that I had to get away. There isn't a simple answer and it's basically a no-win situation. The only way to make it work is to leave. It's just sad. I know how you feel.
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