USMCHokie Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 So my thought for the day...as time goes by, I realize I'm not ready to be in a relationship or even dating right now...not necessarily because I'm not over my ex, but because I don't want to trust women...my ex, who I felt was so genuine and honest, ended up being so full of crap in my mind...it's hard enough to find people with character and integrity that you'd want to spend your life with, but even when those individuals turn out to be just like the rest of them, what hope is there that you'd find someone that wouldn't hurt you again in the future...? Are relationships even worth it in the end...? For the military folks, in the back of your mind, you constantly have to worry about ol' Suzie Rottencrotch back at home...you hope that you can trust them enough to sleep easy while you're gone...but when you lose that trust of an entire gender, do you ever find it in yourself to trust again...? I'm honestly petrified of the thought...and it's really enough to turn me away from it all... How long did it take you to want to trust again after someone left you...? Or was it not ever an issue...?
Pyro Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 For me it wasn't even an issue, but there was a 5 month gap before I met the new GF at the time. Every woman is different and not all of them will end up cheating on you. You fall off the horse you get back on.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I hope other people respond to this one. I am in the same exact place. I am really over my ex, but he fooled me so bad, my trust is totally shot. I look at men I know and many of them are not much better. I tell myself that not all men are scumsucking bottomfeeders......but....how do you identify the mythical good ones? I don't know. There is a peice of me that thinks I will never be totally free and healed until I can find love again, but right now I would rather not take the risk involved and I know that I am not "open" to a man's love/words etc....so even if a good one feel out of the sky, I am so afraid I could not trust he was real. Someone tell me there are real, honest, honorable men with integrity out there? I hope I wont be 60 when I find one of my own. Damn it...crying again.....
DustySaltus Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 It will probably take me 1 year to be fully recovered although I have started to date. I'm 5 months in to my breakup. EX never cheated (I wa engaged) but she had a personality disorder and tried to DESTROY my life...it's hard to bounce back from that. But we all will in time.
red_cloud Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 It took me around 2 years to get over my first ex. In those two years, I did a lot of dumb things like date jerks and guys who were just interested in sex, and pine after my ex over and over again. In hindsight, it was a waste of 2 years. Yea he had hurt me a lot but a part of me didn't want to feel better and influenced me to make bad choices in men that kept me feeling in the same state of upset and hurt. It should not have taken me two years to get over it. You get so use to this state of being dumped that its often easier to stay in it after a while then let go and move onto a better life. As for the trust thing - obviously you're not going to blatantly trust every woman you meet now, but that's actually a good thing, if you learn from this experience. When I finally decided to stop being bitter, like 2 months later I met my current ex. But I applied the lessons I had learned from the previous relationship and how to be cautious but accepting, giving but not giving too much and so on, and this relationship was much much smoother and better than the one I had with my first ex. So you can determine how this break up will affect you - you can either chose to become bitter or you can take it as a learning experience and make yourself a better person out of it.
sean1970 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I tried to date soon after but I know now that I have a lot of house cleaning to do on myself. I need to start liking myself before I can another...
Template Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 For me its not about trusting other people, its about learning to trust myself again. I trusted myself to make the right decision, and I was wrong. This is the hardest part to get over. I'm not that young, and I'm not that old, but I realize in life, I can never truly trust someone. If I cannot totally control you, I cannot control what you will do (and I don't want to control you). Call me a cynic, but I've seen way too many people do unexpected things, and make excuses for their behavior. What I've learned in all of this, is people are generally irrational, and I really can't predict what they are going to do. If they do what I think they were going to do, then that's a bonus. It's easier to to have low expectations in people, so that I'm not disappointed. I used to believe the best in people, but I've been burned waaaay too many times, that it's just not worth it no more. With that in mind, all I can do is take the information given, and make the best decision I can with it. Now we come back around, I can't trust myself to make those decisions.
madrugada Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I'll agree with Dark. I want everything a relationship can bring, but right now I'm afraid to take the risk. I'm still in the first stages of healing, though, so I don't know how I'll feel a month or two from now. One of the worst things about this is how my ex's leaving has set me back years. I used to be very shy, very insecure, and it took me years to evolve into a self-confident, self-assured guy. This breakup has affected me more than any bad thing that's ever happened. It has destroyed the foundation of my self-image. Last night I was at a meeting for work and I met a girl who seemed interesting. I had a perfect opportunity to talk to her, and I thought about it. My old self would have taken the chance, chatted her up, maybe flirted a little. I even caught her looking at me several times during the meeting. Instead, I left the meeting early, just walked out and went home. I walked right by her on my way out. Didn't even give her a smile. I regretted it later, but I guess it's just too soon. I'm not ready.
threebyfate Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Word and actions that go hand-in-hand, are the basis for creating trust between partners. If they differentiate, that will tell you, there's internal conflict or they're full of shyte. Trust in your gut instincts, not your emotions or intellect. Emotions are obviously irrational and intellect can rationalize anything, if emotions are strong enough to dominate. As for trusting, I was ready to trust almost immediately after my divorce. The only problem was that I got whacked by someone who had the "grass is greener" mentality. I don't think he cheated, he was just insecure and conflicted. I don't blame him since it was my personal choice to get involved with him. Poor judgement on my part. Anyways, this in combination with the ex-H's infidelity, set me back a couple of years, with being able to trust. I dated a number of men, some who I should have trusted and others, incompatible. But I don't regret the process, since it left me free to trust my second husband. Not only did I realize I had to learn to trust again, hence found something within me to anchor to, but also, that this man's words and actions always meshed. He's about as trustworthy as you can get, in that what he says, he means and follows through. So, in conclusion, it's a combination of working on yourself, to learn to trust again, but also, with the experience gained from untrustworthy individuals, you KNOW when you find someone who can be trusted, since the contrast is glaring.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I've always had trust issues personally; i'm not 100% sure why. I've just always believed a man will never be faithful to me...even though i've never been cheated on...so I suppose thats a flaw in my thinking, though I tend to think anyone that trusts is naive which is wrong of me and I see my cynicism as correct which is also wrong of me. I think its hard to break these habits of thinking but must be done. I think you will be able to tell a good woman from a bad one if you give them time to show their true colours. I think most people sleep together BEFORE they establish trust which creates an attachment bond that is then hard to break.
threebyfate Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I think most people sleep together BEFORE they establish trust which creates an attachment bond that is then hard to break.That's why I don't sleep with anyone, previous to an exclusive relationship. Why bond to someone who's not all in?
Author USMCHokie Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 And to clear up something, I'm not necessarily talking about trust as it relates to fidelity and cheating...but the more fundamental level of trusting someone to allow yourself to love them...and open yourself emotionally to them... There weren't any warning signs with my ex...and she truly is a genuine and sincere person...yet one day she just dropped the hammer and it was all gone...all that time she made it seem like she loved me and wanted me in her life...and I trusted and believed her... And threebyfate, you mentioned something about needing to work on yourself to regain that trust in others...I'm not sure how that would be relevant...could you please explain...? You can be completely whole but still not want to deal with the sh*t that is the opposite gender...if you were burned by what was seemingly the pick of the litter, why would you want to deal with the crap from the rest of the population? In my job, I deal with lots of cases of adultery (which is still a punishable crime in the military), dependent support, messy divorces (usually stemming from adultery), and just everything under the sun that can go wrong with relationships and marriages...and it scares the crap out of me...the majority of people in this world truly do suck...and all I see are cheaters and liars...it almost makes me want to be alone in this world...because the only person you can trust is yourself...and perhaps your mother...
threebyfate Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Trust loss, is all the same, regardless of cause. We don't trust others, since we don't trust our own judgement, that we've picked someone trustworthy. Before you deny this, think about it a bit.
soheartbroken Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 And to clear up something, I'm not necessarily talking about trust as it relates to fidelity and cheating...but the more fundamental level of trusting someone to allow yourself to love them...and open yourself emotionally to them... There weren't any warning signs with my ex...and she truly is a genuine and sincere person...yet one day she just dropped the hammer and it was all gone...all that time she made it seem like she loved me and wanted me in her life...and I trusted and believed her... And threebyfate, you mentioned something about needing to work on yourself to regain that trust in others...I'm not sure how that would be relevant...could you please explain...? You can be completely whole but still not want to deal with the sh*t that is the opposite gender...if you were burned by what was seemingly the pick of the litter, why would you want to deal with the crap from the rest of the population? In my job, I deal with lots of cases of adultery (which is still a punishable crime in the military), dependent support, messy divorces (usually stemming from adultery), and just everything under the sun that can go wrong with relationships and marriages...and it scares the crap out of me...the majority of people in this world truly do suck...and all I see are cheaters and liars...it almost makes me want to be alone in this world...because the only person you can trust is yourself...and perhaps your mother... It's funny USM, because you and I are around the same time-frame (closing in on 5 months), and both of our exes were good people (so we think) and we're both having the same thoughts. I can only trust myself (like I know I would never cheat). I kinda want to be alone too, because this **** is all too much to deal with. If someone as great as my ex could up and leave me (and slight possibility that she left for someone else), then who can I trust? I trusted her with my life. She always looked out for me. And then 2 weeks after the split she becomes cold and distant, and after four weeks she NCs me! If I can't trust her, who can I trust?
DenverBachelor Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Why bond to someone who's not all in? "who's not all in ... " heh heh heh .... Lovely way of putting it!
Trinitron Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Trust in your gut instincts, not your emotions or intellect threebyfate, Geez where were you 3 months ago? Right now that statement has so much clarity. I had gut instincts with this woman from the begining, but I was emotionally attached from the begining as well. The emotional side won by a landslide so instead of saying, no I'll pass, I jumped in headfirst. And yes I have huge trust issues but it all stems from low self esteem, while its only been about a week and a half since I ended it, I have forced myself to do some things to get some connections with people. The thing I'll probably never be able to give, is unconditional Love and unconditional Trust. To do those two things unconditionally means one thing and one thing only, you are gullible. Damn if I'll ever be gullible again. Trinitron
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