My mom disapproves. What can I do?

[ethel]

My fiance, R., and I, had been friends for a few years before we started dating, and we have seen each other at our best and worst. I love the things he says, and his sense of what is good, right and fair, the ways he tries to be considerate of other people. I love that he's good at what he does and that he does what he loves (he's a musician) and that he believes that I should pursue doing what I love rather than what makes a ton of money.

He is marvelous--he brings me pizza when I'm writing papers and even when he's angry, he's calm. I've seen him buy sandwiches for panhandlers, only to feel duped and irritated when he watches the guy hails a cab. He is what he is, and I like what he is, even though sometimes he can also be cantankerous, inconsiderate and mean. So can I. I like to think it makes us a good match.

 

But my mom doesn't want us to get married. She thinks we are too young, and we *are* young (I am 21 and he is 23) but we have both worked for our bread and lived on our own and been to school; we're not the most mature people in the world, but we're not ragingly immature either. We want to take care of each other because it makes life more pleasant when you've got someone to watch your back. But I love my mom to pieces. She has worked so hard to give me and my brother a good life, and my family is finally happy now. When I had mentioned to her that I wanted to get married, she cried and said, "Don't get married yet; don't break my heart." And when she says "yet," she means, not in the next five years, kiddo. We're thinking like, next month, since we are moving across the country come January.

 

I would be okay just living with R. It wouldn't be my mom's first choice for me, but I sometimes get the feeling she'd accept it better that us getting married. As for me, I thought it could be kind of cool to be one of those old unmarried couples--you know, the common law, bohemian types. While I am not afraid of spending the rest of my life with one person, I mistrust the institution of marriage. Historically, it hasn't been very good to women, and neither of us have really seen a good modelling of it. Someone always seems to get stepped on. But he earnestly feels that since we were already planning to get married someday (and someday has somehow become next month *g*), we shouldn't "play house" because that cheapens and trivializes it. So I'm okay with that, because I understand what he means and I agree with the essence of it. A piece of paper is just civil thing. Anyhow, he thinks my mom is being controlling by telling me I shouldn't get married, but really she is just from a different culture, where parents have much more say in their childrens' lives. Anyhow, she realizes that I am an adult and can do what I want--but that is not the point...

 

You can see how I am kind of caught in a hard place! I love my fiance and want to share the rest of my life with him, but I love my mom and don't want to hurt her. I've thought about just getting married and telling her after the fact, but that seems cowardly. He's willing to go with me to tell her that we're getting married, and hopefully persuade her to come around to the side of the light but I'm afraid that she'll get upset and I will only make her miserable. I know she would eventually forgive me, and I know I would always be her daughter, but I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to hurt him either.

[andreautick]

I'm 20, and not engaged, but I'll give my two cents anyway.

 

You need to choose which allegience is more important to you. Does your Mom's opnion matter more to you? Is she "always right" about these things? Or, do you feel strongly that you need to just follow your heart? I think it's nice that your fiancee wants to get married so much, but is there a reason he's pushing for that? Would it hurt to wait? Think about all those things, you'll find your own answer