soheartbroken Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 The board is dead tonight. Can't believe I'm asking this question. My mind is screwing with me lately. She left (mostly my fault), went NC, and has too much pride to ever come back. Plus her feelings changed, and I don't think feelings come back...or can they???? What are the main ingredients in situations where the dumpers come sniffing around/full-on want to try again? Or is every situation too unique to even contemplate answering this question? Do they have to see the changes you're making to come back every time? Or can they call out of the blue, without really knowing you've changed? Can they come back even where it's mostly the dumpee's fault?
MinTea Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I'm so pathetic... You're not pathetic! You just have some hope left. Just when we feel like we're going to be content with moving on from the ex, something happens that sets us back a bit. That's partly why this whole healing process is so slow. I was feeling hopeful tonight as well... and have been crying like a baby because of it. I don't know if the dumper's feelings can change back to what they once were. I can see that you want this to be the case... And I hope the same for myself... but I'm afraid this is wishful thinking. Even if there was a chance for you to get back together... Do you really think that the relationship could go back to the way it was? In my case, I think I would be terribly nervous every day if I got back together with my ex. I'd be so afraid that I'd do something wrong that would make him want to leave me again. I wouldn't be able to be myself. Isn't that the point of a relationship? To find someone who you can truly be yourself with? Sorry... I answered your question with more questions. lol
StalledGirl Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Too many posters on LS declare that ex's ALWAYS come back which can lead to false hope for a lot of vulnerable people. If her feelings changed then there's nothing you can do other than accept it , my fiance dumped me a year ago and I guess I was lucky as he found a girl straight away so I had no choice other than to get on with my own life. It isn't easy and I know how much pain you are feeling right now and how weak you consider yourself but there is light at the end of the tunnel , just give it time and try to focus on YOUR life and not your ex. I do think some relationships can have a second chance but only of the initial problems have been overcome , issues like cheating and falling out of love with someone are hard to fix in my opinion. If you think you need a heart to heart talk to her then maybe you should contact her but the fact she hasn't been in touch means space is probably the best thing.
onewillburn Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Too many posters on LS declare that ex's ALWAYS come back which can lead to false hope for a lot of vulnerable people. This. And even though my ex did come back a few times (breadcrumbs), I still expected her to come back for good during my current run of NC, which she didn't (I told her to stop contacting me unless she wanted to get back together...an offer that's no longer on the table on my end anyway). Sometimes I'd think, "well, I always hear that they always come back when you're finally getting over them so I'm sure she'll come crawling back sometime soon", but really it's just false hope. It shouldn't matter if she comes back or not. My decision would still most likely be to remain NC, unless it was a long time from now. The healing/coping process has no place for false hope. False hope can make this process longer than it has to be.
TaraMaiden Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 The board is dead tonight. Well, helloooooo little birdie..... Can't believe I'm asking this question. My mind is screwing with me lately. No. own it. You are screwing with your mind, lately. She left (mostly my fault), went NC, and has too much pride to ever come back. It's not necessarily a question of pride. She may just be completely unwilling to play into the scenario. The desire to make the effort, isn't there. That's not pride. That';s resignation. Plus her feelings changed, and I don't think feelings come back...or can they???? No. Feelings may change, for better or worse, but emotions are never the same, twice. Just as the river is never the same river, the second time you look at it.... What are the main ingredients in situations where the dumpers come sniffing around/full-on want to try again? Or is every situation too unique to even contemplate answering this question? No, because humans are creatures of habit, and largely, even though they might cite individual reasoning, the main factor is curiosity. What has this done to you? How have you handled it? what is the effect? Even though there has been a break, what are your considerations towards them? do they still ignite a response in you? What response would that be? In short - even though they dumped you - do they still 'got it'? Do they have to see the changes you're making to come back every time? Or can they call out of the blue, without really knowing you've changed? They don't call for your benefit. They call for theirs. Can they come back even where it's mostly the dumpee's fault? First of all, apportioning 'fault' is misguided, and just compounds the problem. Both people are equally responsible for input into the relationship. Now, if she was gagged and tied to a post, and you regularly pistol-whipped her, then I think we can safely say, you would be 100% responsible for her leaving. But that didn't happen. So don't take her responses and reactions on board, as your fault. She made choices. So did you. Own what's yours, and be responsible for that. But don't take it all upon yourself.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 They don't always come back and if they do its not necessarily for a relationship but perhaps for friendship, a chat, sex etc. You have to give up hope and go with the flow of life. Of course anyone COULD come back, they could not - we are unable to predict the future but to free yourself from those shackles of waiting for her, you have to accept its over and move on. For her to return, the ball is in her court. It is then up to you if she returns, to decide what to do from there.
Seymore Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I was the dumper and am the one holding on to false hope. I left her because she had many issues that weren't being dealt with. It's been almost a year, but I know she found someone else (a married man, and about a month after our breakup) and moved across the country to live with him. Since it's the holidays, it's kinda rough for me. I was holding onto hope that she'd get her issues straightened out and get into therapy, but I guess what she did was the opposite. To the OP - I will tell you what I was hoping for - that she was going to get help and work on her issues, and I mean WORK on them, and then contact me and let me know what she's done. Only then would I be open at all to any reconciliation. Back right after we broke up, she had been contacting me saying "I'm looking for help, BUT". "I'm trying, BUT". That, I'd heard before and I knew what it meant - taking her back and the issues still being there. I wasn't going to play that game anymore, so I left the ball in her court. But I guess she didn't care as much as she claimed she did.
EskimoPassingBy Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I asked this question to myself just then as well. If you want them to come back then I would think that you will need to start contact again. Start doing things together again. At the moment I'm pretty hopeful but who knows... we're txting like really close friends. Like time has rewinded before we even started dating. She even chose to have the same lecture slots as me as we are both doing the same major for one of our double majors for next year. She wanted me to have the same off-days as her but unfortunately I can't. I don't know what shes thinking but I am actually really tired of trying to assume. She was really annoyed when we stopped NC and told me that I cannot assume what her feelings and emotions, and so I stopped doing that.
silic0ntoad Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I'll keep my answer short and sweet. They never come back. Physically, they may. But the person you thought you knew is dead and gone. The pain and anguish they caused you has lifted a veil to show you the true "ex" and now they can never be the same. So, in my belief, no, they never truly come back. They may sniff around, check it out, but only to appease their guilt.
red_cloud Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I'll keep my answer short and sweet. They never come back. Physically, they may. But the person you thought you knew is dead and gone. The pain and anguish they caused you has lifted a veil to show you the true "ex" and now they can never be the same. So, in my belief, no, they never truly come back. They may sniff around, check it out, but only to appease their guilt. This is very negative and bitter, IMO. People change their minds ALL the time. Obviously, every situation is different and there is a lot to be said for being realistic about a situation. The truth is they may or may not come back. They may or may not come snooping around again. There is no guarantee of anything because everyone is their own person. But if they do have some inkling of coming back, no matter how small, I can guarantee you that being negative and bitter and suspicious is NOT going to get them back. If anything, it'll demonstrate that their first choice was correct. Just think about it - I'm sure at some point in your life there was a person who really wanted to be with you and you weren't that interested. What types of behavior, if any, could they have done to re-build the attraction to you? "Why don't you like me.. *tear*" is probably not at the top of your list. So why do that to an ex?
sean1970 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 People change their minds ALL the time. You still have hope Red, yes?
Author soheartbroken Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Thank you for all the replies. Seems like there is no formula by which they return. Tara: it is definitely not pride that is keeping her back at the moment! It's the fact that her feelings changed and she no longer wants to be with me. The pride thing I mentioned in regards to the future. Say a year from now she was interested, she still wouldn't contact me because she wouldn't want to admit that she was interested. But there is no pride issue right now. She just doesn't want to be with me. And that's why I hate having this false hope that she is missing me.
Kaya Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Seems like there is no formula by which they return. Exactly. There's no real formula for any of this.. and there is no way to predict the future or other's behaviours, unless you're a really really good psychic?! Just never ever think of yourself as pathetic - cause you're not The false hope will ease with good old time - you'll find your wings again.
red_cloud Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 You still have hope Red, yes? I guess it depends on how you define hope.
Reading Machine Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 You sound like a really good dude. I want you to realize that you are a man and it makes no sense at all to stand for someone treating you like this. When someone does not respect you that is one thing. However, when you do not respect yourself that is enough. I want you to look in the mirror! That's right that is a man staring back at you. Re-attach your balls and let's get on with life. Draw a line in the sand and dare her to cross it! When you can stand up and respect yourself, damn it you will start to feel like a new person. You will also notice that people will start to treat you better. Then when she does come back on her hands and knees, you can look her dead in the eyes and say, " you blew your opportunity with me, hit the road".
Author soheartbroken Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Thanks Reading Machine. Your post makes me laugh though. I'm a woman! But I get the gist of it. I should respect myself more and not care about taking her back.
Reading Machine Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I am sorry ! I hope my advise helps. RM
Author soheartbroken Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Yes. It's all good. I'll just re-attach my ovaries now...
boogieboy Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 The board is dead tonight. Can't believe I'm asking this question. My mind is screwing with me lately. She left (mostly my fault), went NC, and has too much pride to ever come back. Plus her feelings changed, and I don't think feelings come back...or can they???? What are the main ingredients in situations where the dumpers come sniffing around/full-on want to try again? Or is every situation too unique to even contemplate answering this question? Do they have to see the changes you're making to come back every time? Or can they call out of the blue, without really knowing you've changed? Can they come back even where it's mostly the dumpee's fault? Both of you have to be almost totally different people to get a new spark. Dead sparks rarely ignite from flames that died out. You also would have to not NEED her at all if she contacted you. As if you were two totally different people.
Ultiman Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Worrying if they are going to come back or not is not gonna change anything. Fate has already decided what is going to happen, the best you can do is tell yourself that they are never going to come back so that you can begin the healing process. Whether or not they are coming back is no longer up to you its up to them.
Author soheartbroken Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Both of you have to be almost totally different people to get a new spark. Dead sparks rarely ignite from flames that died out. You also would have to not NEED her at all if she contacted you. As if you were two totally different people. Ya. This is exactly what she said. We would have to be two totally different people. Well, I'm not gonna be that different. I mean, deep down I'm a loving, caring, affectionate, empathetic person, and that's who I will always be. I want to keep this about me. Hopefully some things will change about me though. And ya, she's not gonna come back until I don't want her anymore, if ever. P.S. Your quote is so true. People lie to spare themselves...*******s.
DenverBachelor Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 People lie to spare themselves...*******s. Many people lie and believe their lies so adamantly that they never acknowledge the truth. Some people don't even know what a truth is because they have lived their entire lives as a lie.
Author soheartbroken Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Worrying if they are going to come back or not is not gonna change anything. Fate has already decided what is going to happen, the best you can do is tell yourself that they are never going to come back so that you can begin the healing process. Whether or not they are coming back is no longer up to you its up to them. Well, I don't believe in fate, but you're right in that worrying is not going to change anything. I am trying to tell myself that she isn't coming back, and I have convinced myself that she's not coming back anytime soon. It's years down the road that I'm thinking about. And it isn't up to me either...except that I would probably have to work on myself if there was going to be a second chance. I've realized now why I'm starting to think these crazy thoughts. I think it's because as I'm starting to miss her more, my brain tricks me into thinking that she must also then miss me too! Especially with the holidays, which I loved and was always so excited about, I figure she must be thinking of me! But, I really have no idea what she's thinking. If I had to bet I would bet she is already with someone new (she's a good catch), and therefore not thinking of me at all. She probably still sees the relationship as all negative.
DenverBachelor Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Can they come back Sure, when you come back to yourself.
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