Defiant Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 (edited) Hello, this is my first post. My story in a nutshell. Met this girl as a friend at first, she had a bf of 5 years. I accepted that i would never get her and just stayed friends. She ended up getting engaged to bf. Out of nowhere she called me one night and wanted to hang out. We hit it off and ended up sleeping together. The rest was history, she broke up with the bf who she was engaged to and hooked up with me. We were together for 3 years, things got bad during the last 8 moonths. Lots of fights over nonsence. I finally had enough and broke it off cuz i was sick of her attitude. She was hurt really bad. I took a couple weeks to think about things while she contacted me frequently. I decided i wanted her back. So we kept in touch and slept together a few times a week for about 2 solid months, just not as much as before. I stated many times that i wanted to patch things up, but she didn't want to come back.She called me many times throught all of this saying that she cant get me out of her head.Then one morning after sex she said she cant sleep with me nemore. I called a few days later beggin her to be with me once again....she said no.A week later she told me she met someone, and a week later they got together. once again i called and begged, she said no. Then I saw all the pics of him and her on myspace.....and i broke in half. I found out from a friend she was dating this guy ever since I broke up with her. Her birthday was the same day, and i was so upset i didn't even tell her happy birthday. I sent her a text sayin I CANT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME!!! Then I ordered an ebook "HOW TO GET HER BACK FOR GOOD" and i read up on the no contact. She called the next day to talk. I put my heart on my sleeve and said everything that i thought was necessary to get her back. She was crying the whole time. She told me that she got like 30 happy birthdays, but she was only lookin for the one from me. after an hour of this conversation she made it clear that she didn't want to be with me, and was gonna continue dating this guy (who is 5 years older, 2 kids and divorced. Im 26 and she is 27.) I told her that i understand, but told her that I cannot be a friend and cannot be 2nd best in her life and would appreciate it if she wouldnt contact me nemore. She started sobbing and sayin some things and i cut her off and said JUST SAVE IT (NAME) AND DONT CALL ME NEMORE and i hung up the phone. Its been three weeks and i havent called and neither has she. Its been really hard for me to deal with this....knowing she is with another guy. I want her back, but I dont think its gonna happen. I dont plan on contacting her, with the exception of sending her a christmas card and her family a christmas card (she lives with her parents). Her family has been amazing to me over the past 8 years ( we were friends for 5 years and in a relation for 3) Is the christmas card a bad idea? Please give me your advise in my situation here, this was my 1st serious relation and i wanna at least learn from it. Is there any chance I can get her back in the future? Thank you. Edited December 3, 2009 by Defiant
dazzle22 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Congratulations, now you are a member of the human race, where just about every first serious relationship fails.. but Don't look at this as a failure. Look at this as a learning experience and that the relationship "ran it's course" and you'll have some wisdom for the next one. You need to know that people in their 20's are generally immature, don't know themselves, don't know what they want, don't know how to treat others in relationships, and make many many mistakes in relationships of all kinds. So don't be hard on yourself. And there will be many more trains coming through your station yet. I am 53, and I wish someone had told me this to give me a bit of perspective. There are great books on relationships in the "relationship" section in bookstores. Pick some up and spend some time reflecting and learning for the next time you get on the horse again. Good luck!
fofiffs Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 You know what I really think, this girl ain't good for you. Think about it, before you she was with someone for 5 years then slept with you and left her fiance. Well history is repeating itself and now your the backburner like her other ex that she left for you. So what makes you think she won't do it to the next guy. I say let her go and move on. Once a woman says it over its over. They may occassionally tell you I still love you, I miss you, can we be friends, blah blah blah..but that don't mean sh*t. Those are just ways of stringing you along for there selfish reasons. Learn from this and move on.
USMCHokie Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Mine failed too. Don't send the Christmas card. Don't send any happy birthday wishes. Don't be chummy with her family...I became good friends with my ex's family...even her extended family...her cousin even invited me to his wedding after we had broken up (and they even knew we were no longer dating!)...but you have to distant yourself from her family...I know you became close to them, but they will understand...staying in touch with her family won't do you any good...you have to let go of everything... Don't approach what you do or your NC with trying to win her back...that's not the way NC works...if you read Caliguy's NC guide, you will understand that NC is 100% for YOU...for you to heal...for you to move on...it's not meant to win a second chance...and shouldn't not be used as a tool for a second chance...you might not see it now, but in time you will realize it's true purpose and appreciate what it's done for you... As far as a chance in the future...the longer you hold onto any hope of a second chance, the further it will drift away...most people on LS will tell you that if their exes came back, it was always right at the moment they had finally moved on...so move on...if she comes back, then let future Defiant worry about it...if not, then future Defiant will be a happy man because he's finally moved on...it's a win-win...
Author Defiant Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Thank all of you for taking the time to read my situation, words cant explain how much its appreciated. Ive spent the last 3 weeks turning to family and friends for support, but i feel bad cuz I talk about it so much. I guess im just trying to learn from as many people as I can. This is prolly one of the hardest things ive ever had to go through, it sux! You guys really think that I shouldnt send a Christmas card though? It seems innocent enough?
billy356 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Nope, no XMAS card. It is more for you than anything else. You need to totally break contact with all aspects of her life. It may not seem like it to you now but any type of contact will just delay your recovery. You can't let your heart and/or mind remain connected to her life in any way if you are going to move on. Plus if you were able to be TOTALLY honest with yourself, you would probably see that the reason why you want to send the XMAS card is to have your ex see your name, your writing, etc and thus get a reaction out of her. You might even think that the family would chastize her for what she did (see honey, he sent this nice card when he didnt have to..why did you two break up...) Just close the book on her, her family, her life. There is nothing good about these moments, there is nothing easy, but there is also nothing else you can do.
Author Defiant Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) Nope, no XMAS card. It is more for you than anything else. You need to totally break contact with all aspects of her life. It may not seem like it to you now but any type of contact will just delay your recovery. You can't let your heart and/or mind remain connected to her life in any way if you are going to move on. Plus if you were able to be TOTALLY honest with yourself, you would probably see that the reason why you want to send the XMAS card is to have your ex see your name, your writing, etc and thus get a reaction out of her. You might even think that the family would chastize her for what she did (see honey, he sent this nice card when he didnt have to..why did you two break up...) Just close the book on her, her family, her life. There is nothing good about these moments, there is nothing easy, but there is also nothing else you can do. Thanx 4 the advice. I havent had ne urges to contact besides the christmas card.I understand that My hands are tied and there is nothing i can do, thats its my time to heal, and avoid contact at all costs.....but what about after im healed?? We have many mutual friends, i will run into her sooner or later. Am I to treat her like she doesnt exist for all eternity? Is it okay to conversate after im healed as long as im not the one initiating contact?? Ive looked for CALIGUY's nc write up but cant find it, does ne 1 have a link?? Im learning so much from you guys, wish there was something i could do in return Edited December 4, 2009 by Defiant
billy356 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Mutual friends are a whole separate ball game. There is nothing easy about that. Friends inevitably choose sides and those that dont get caught in the middle of an awkward relationship with you both, even if it isnt a messy breakup. The best advice on the friends is to work your way around the ones you wold consider "in the middle" and tell them simply that you realize this situation has possibly made things awkward between you. Let them know that you do not have to talk about the ex at all, that you value their friendship and you realize they will still be friends with the ex but it doesnt have to be a topic of discussion. In fact you would rather it not come up for both of your sakes. Your more mature friends will appreciate this and it will go a long way towards maintaining a balance with all of the mutual friends. As far as after you are healed, well then I would still wait for her to contact you before you make any decisions on if you want to reestablish contact. There have been a lot of us who have been convinced we were healed only to hear the voice of our ex and have all of the pain brought back in one form or another. it is a personal decision but take some time to figure out the answer if it happens. Whatever you do do not reply right away, wait at least 2 days and ponder it after the initial emotional surge passes. And no you dont have to treat her like she doesnt exist, but something pretty close to it. Dont put yourself in situations where you are likely to run into her. If you see her you can say hi and keep walking. Pretend she is a casual friend that you generally try and avoid because it is the type of friend that is annoying or something similar. And as far as doing something in return: after you have gone through this process and are all better, come back here to this forum and share your experiences with the next person who is going through a rough patch. That is how you give back. good luck buddy, you are on the right path.....
Author Defiant Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) Mutual friends are a whole separate ball game. There is nothing easy about that. Friends inevitably choose sides and those that dont get caught in the middle of an awkward relationship with you both, even if it isnt a messy breakup. The best advice on the friends is to work your way around the ones you wold consider "in the middle" and tell them simply that you realize this situation has possibly made things awkward between you. Let them know that you do not have to talk about the ex at all, that you value their friendship and you realize they will still be friends with the ex but it doesnt have to be a topic of discussion. In fact you would rather it not come up for both of your sakes. Your more mature friends will appreciate this and it will go a long way towards maintaining a balance with all of the mutual friends. As far as after you are healed, well then I would still wait for her to contact you before you make any decisions on if you want to reestablish contact. There have been a lot of us who have been convinced we were healed only to hear the voice of our ex and have all of the pain brought back in one form or another. it is a personal decision but take some time to figure out the answer if it happens. Whatever you do do not reply right away, wait at least 2 days and ponder it after the initial emotional surge passes. And no you dont have to treat her like she doesnt exist, but something pretty close to it. Dont put yourself in situations where you are likely to run into her. If you see her you can say hi and keep walking. Pretend she is a casual friend that you generally try and avoid because it is the type of friend that is annoying or something similar. And as far as doing something in return: after you have gone through this process and are all better, come back here to this forum and share your experiences with the next person who is going through a rough patch. That is how you give back. good luck buddy, you are on the right path..... Thank you Billy. I got her beat on the friend thing though. Ive lived in this town my whole life and know everyone and am liked by many. She moved here 9 years ago.....and pretty much all the friends she has are because of me. When she first moved here, I showed her around town and introduced her to people. Bu neways Ive been reaching out in every direction lately for help.....ive been like a lost sheep without a sheperd, not knowing what actions to take. Man its funny.....I lost much hope and turned to god recently for help asked him to help me get back on my feet again.....and I believe finding this website is his doing. All the info ive been getting from here is what Ive been askin my friends nonstop with them giving me bad advice in return. Everything ive been reading on here feels so right and is making my wounds close faster and makin my mind stop racing for answers. I honestly think that if I didnt reach out for help....i would be in much worse condition, i would still be calling her, and possibly be on the edge of losing my mind. Looking 4ward to the future though....im doin alright given my circumstances. One question though....what do you think about her (being just turned 27) dating a guy that is 32, 2 kids, and divorced or going through one @ the moment....im not sure which is the case. Please give me your thoughts on this. thanx Edited December 4, 2009 by Defiant
billy356 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Careful with the friend thing...don't view it as having "the upper hand" or as having an advantage in anyway. That slips you into "that guy" category that you are doing so well to avoid so far. Assume that they all like you and the ex equally and proceed accordingly. Friends dont like it when you assume they are on your side, and you wont like the surprise of finding out that they side with her either. Dont ever take your friends for granted, they are way too important. As far as her dating a guy who is mildly older with kids and a STBEW...nah...it means nothing to you. What would it matter if she was with another 27 yr old guy instead? She is with someone else. Nothing more. Shouldn't even waste time thinking about it (which i know is impossible but try). Take it for what it is, she has moved on. Maybe not the best choice in guy but regardless, moved on. Wait until you are ready and do the same thing, and dont look back.
dazzle22 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 My guess is she grew up in a family with a lot of drama, and this feels "normal and comfortable" to her. We all do that. We tend to seek out scenarios that seem familiar, but this is all unconscious, until you really take a step back and look at it. So, why is she with this guy-she is drawn to drama. But more importantly, why are you drawn to a woman who plays with your mind and emotions like this?.. Seriously ponder this. Many times in life, I have found myself in situations where I look at it and go, "how is this happening again? I have 'gone round this mountain before and swore I wouldn't do it again, and dang it, here I am again'. Try to learn something about YOURSELF from this situation, so you can avoid problems in your next relationship. X-nay on the Xmas card...looks desperate, and like you haven't gotten over her. How to be around her if you see her with mutual friends?. Casual, friendly, like you would be to a good lesbian friend. Ha!
Author Defiant Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 As far as her dating a guy who is mildly older with kids and a STBEW...nah...it means nothing to you. What would it matter if she was with another 27 yr old guy instead? She is with someone else. Nothing more. Shouldn't even waste time thinking about it (which i know is impossible but try). Take it for what it is, she has moved on. Maybe not the best choice in guy but regardless, moved on. Wait until you are ready and do the same thing, and dont look back. Yes it means nothing to me, I just think it shows how immature and insecure she is....thats the kind of answer i was looking for. I think she just jumped into it without thinking about the long run. All ive heard about it through friends is that he is A NICE GUY and HE TREATS HER WELL. I just think she is being stupid, but its her life, not mine.
Author Defiant Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 My guess is she grew up in a family with a lot of drama, and this feels "normal and comfortable" to her. We all do that. We tend to seek out scenarios that seem familiar, but this is all unconscious, until you really take a step back and look at it. So, why is she with this guy-she is drawn to drama. But more importantly, why are you drawn to a woman who plays with your mind and emotions like this?.. Seriously ponder this. Many times in life, I have found myself in situations where I look at it and go, "how is this happening again? I have 'gone round this mountain before and swore I wouldn't do it again, and dang it, here I am again'. Try to learn something about YOURSELF from this situation, so you can avoid problems in your next relationship. X-nay on the Xmas card...looks desperate, and like you haven't gotten over her. How to be around her if you see her with mutual friends?. Casual, friendly, like you would be to a good lesbian friend. Ha! Yea, she comes from a broken home, and a family with all kinds of step kids. mom, brother....they all have step kids. Guess she is just tryin to fit in
Author Defiant Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 UPDATE well im on the right path so far, starting to heal.....still havin trouble not thinkin about her though, kinda miss her still. Well i just had a birthday and she sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday. I know not to respond for a few days, but do I even bother responding to this??? im still in the healing process. Im thinkin she's gonna ask how im doin next. I know that she is not entitled to that info. so should i just ignore, or say something like" im sorry but if you trully cared how I felt we'd be together." or something like "sorry but ur not entitled to that info anymore" I think i know the answer here but im new to all this, just lookin 4 advice. thanx
billy356 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Yup you know what we will all say. Do not respond. Think to yourself "Eh, that was nice" and let that be the last thought on the matter.
Author Defiant Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Yup you know what we will all say. Do not respond. Think to yourself "Eh, that was nice" and let that be the last thought on the matter. thats what i was thinkin. I get the satisfaction, and she gets nothing in return....lol:laugh:
ATR Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You were stupid to get with her in the first place. She cheated on her boyfriend at the time with you... Once a cheat always a cheat!
Author Defiant Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 You were stupid to get with her in the first place. She cheated on her boyfriend at the time with you... Once a cheat always a cheat! I agree, the relation was built on sand. I didn't care at the time, though. We were friends for 5 years and I wanted to be with her the whole time and when it finally happened, I didn't care how. She wasnt happy with him, but she should have just left him.....not cheated.
Author Defiant Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Well its been 2 months since ive seen her and 1 month of no contact. Its been a hard journey, but i feel ive been doin a good job at letting her be with her new bf and trying to focus on myself. Been lifting weights, and reading david deangelo's DOUBLE YOUR DATING to get me back in the game. no dates yet, though. Havent met anybody.....and im really not sure im ready to date yet.Im still having a hard time not thinking about her. There are times when I wish she was still around. I really need to stop talking about it to friends and family, though. I think that is slowing down my healing process. I guess im just trying to absorb all the info I can so I at least learn from this......but I feel Im kinda driving myself crazy by over-anaylizing all of this. She is in my thoughts everyday still, and i havent learned to turn it off yet. If anyone has advise on how to stop thinkin about the x, please let me know.....it will help me out lots. Also, can any of you recommend any good books or E books on relationships to further educate myself for the next one i get into??? I feel like a novice when it comes to relations.....i wanna educate myself since i know very little. Thank you:)
LovelyDaze Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well its been 2 months since ive seen her and 1 month of no contact. Its been a hard journey, but i feel ive been doin a good job at letting her be with her new bf and trying to focus on myself. Been lifting weights, and reading david deangelo's DOUBLE YOUR DATING to get me back in the game. no dates yet, though. Havent met anybody.....and im really not sure im ready to date yet.Im still having a hard time not thinking about her. There are times when I wish she was still around. I really need to stop talking about it to friends and family, though. I think that is slowing down my healing process. I guess im just trying to absorb all the info I can so I at least learn from this......but I feel Im kinda driving myself crazy by over-anaylizing all of this. She is in my thoughts everyday still, and i havent learned to turn it off yet. If anyone has advise on how to stop thinkin about the x, please let me know.....it will help me out lots. Also, can any of you recommend any good books or E books on relationships to further educate myself for the next one i get into??? I feel like a novice when it comes to relations.....i wanna educate myself since i know very little. Thank you:) "It's called a breakup because it's broken" is a good book. The language will gear more toward girls getting over guys but even the authors note that the book is really for anyone who is suffering from a broken heart.
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