After 15 years wife got in touch with ex

[jean71]

After 15 years of a happy marriage, my wife got in touch with an ex that lives overseas. They have been exchanging emails for over a week now. She doesn't know it, but I have been reading her emails. I feel bad about it, but somehow I have a very bad feeling about all this. They have been exchanging present pictures, and he is about to send pictures of them in the past. He's also married. I confronted her the first day because she had mentioned she remembered these feelings (so she knows I read her first email because I told her, but she doesn't know I still read them). I would have been ok, if it was nothing more than checking where he lives, married, what he does. But I have the feeling it is slowly drifting into intimacy. I am devastated because I have always trusted my wife 100%. Now I am starting to wonder if she married me because she couldn't get him. He and I have the same profession. And I am questioning if she is still married to me as a convenience. We have 2 kids and I am the only one that works.

I have been going crazy with so much different feelings, still love her, anger towards her. She has never been the type to express much emotions throughout our marriage. I am usually the one making the steps to show emotions, saying I love her. 9 out 10 times she will say I love you because I said it first. Sex has always been according to her rules. She just want to do it quick at night with her lying on her back. That's it, no other positions.

I am really questioning if these attitudes were just because she was still in love with this guy.

I am so lost, don't know what to think of all this.

[lostsunsets]

You're right. It sounds like you were the fall back guy. She needs to imagine what life is like without you. First off. Cut off the cash. Close bank accounts, shut off credit cards. She needs to experience loss. Maybe she will change. If not divorce her.

[jean71]

any other opinion ?

There are kids involved...

[Davey McG]

Came here to second what Lostsunsets said.

[lissar]

Hi jean71,

 

A couple of years ago I started thinking about my ex. I've been with my H for 15 years at that point, and one day I thought about the ex, where was he? Etc. I contacted him but he didn't answer me. Looking back, I realize the reason I probably got obsessed with him in my mind was because I was unhappy about my situation at the time. Once I started working on changing the things that were making me unhappy, I stopped thinking about him so much.

 

Your situation may be different because your wife is actually communicating with the ex, whereas I just daydreamed. But maybe think about if she's unhappy about something else and using this renewed communication as a distraction.

 

JMO.

[JaneInVegas]

Jean, why do you feel they are getting intimate with each other? Is it because of something specific that was said, or just a hunch? I'm thinking that since you still have access to those emails (i.e., she didn't change the password) that everything is on the up and up.

 

I'm not sure why the other 2 posters would tell you to dump her under the circumstances, but I really think that's overkill.

 

And be warned, there's a poster on here that will bash you for reading her emails. Ignore him. He does it to everyone.

 

Just because you don't have the most perfect relationship with your wife (does anyone??) doesn't necessarily mean her heart is with someone else. If I were you, I would just keep reading her emails, and if suddenly you're unable to anymore, that would be the first red flag. Even if she changes the password, you still have options, and you still have hope.

 

I wish you all the best HUGS

[Blindsidedagainalive]

DO NOT LET HER KNOW YOU ARE READING THEM.

 

Have you been having problems in your marriage?

 

Arguing?

 

How old is she?

 

Yeah, it's a bit premature to cut her off IMHO.

[jean71]

I am glad to read some more constructive messages than just dumping her.

I am very much in love with her and my daughters. I want to find a way out where we could manage to stay together.

I kept on reading her emails, and even though there is nothing steamy from my wife side, I do not trust him. He hasn't told his wife that he was communicating with his ex and he sends pictures of him, calls her "sunshine" and some other flirty names. I truly believe he's in for a little excitement. My wife doesn't seem to see it that way, I think she's in denial.

Yesterday I asked her if she was still writing and she told me she did. So I told her that I didn't understand why she still felt the need to write to him after finding out if he was married, kids, what he does. I have no problems with that, but only if it stops there. If she needs more, then I believe she somehow missed him and feels the need to reconnect. I personally had the same thing with an ex that I cared for. She called me 10 years later while I was married to my present wife. We spoke for 10min. and that was it. Didn't need anything more because I was happy with my present wife.

So I don't understand her position and she doesn't understand mine. She doesn't see it as a threat. I said that maybe now it is not a threat, but if it would continue it could become one. This is how emotional affairs start.

Anyway, she told me she would stop writing. She sent him an email saying she needed to stop for now because it was creating problems between her and me, but she also said she was happy she knew how to reach him now, and that she will get back in touch when things are better. To be honest, it doesn't really satisfy me. I wonder now if she will get back in touch, when and if she is going to tell me about it. I guess I will have to keep on checking her emails, even though I would have preferred to stop doing this. I feel like I am betraying her. I also feel that she holds against me the fact that I asked her to stop . What bothers me the most is that she has this ability to push the emotions under the carpet and move on with our lives. Meanwhile, I still have all these questions in my head.

Before I told her to stop writing and had this whole discusion, I was having problems sleeping, eating and concentrate at my job. I told her that, and she said she didn't realize that this was creating such problems. We talked over the phone (I was away on a business trip) and exchanged emails. In all this time she never tried to reassure me that I was the one by just saying "I love you" or something similar. The only thing she said is that she would not give up what she has to start all over again. She's always had a hard time expressing feelings. I can go for a while and I am ok with it, but once in a while it bothers me. I need to hear it. She does love to take good care of me in other ways. She likes to take care of pretty much everything in the house so that I can enjoy my free time to spend it with the kids, and for me to do my own stuff. She is very thoughtful in buying me little gifts, and that we have sex. And most of all she's a great mother. So I believe that it's her way to express her love.

Sex hasn't been the best, but we still manage to have this kind of intimacy at least twice a week. I know a lot of couples that don't have that. (I know some have more too ). But I don't care so much. I sometimes would like more affection.

I know you probably wonder why I am with her if I have these negative feelings, but I just love her. We have some good talks, she's smart, we laugh together, etc...

Anyway, I wanted to make it shorter, but I must say it feels good to write about it and read your answers. I was missing an opinion from somebody outside of this.

Thank you.

[mark982]

is there any chance you can contact the ex's boyfriends wife to let her know what's going on? that would sure stop things quick.

[stillafool]

I am glad to read some more constructive messages than just dumping her.

I am very much in love with her and my daughters. I want to find a way out where we could manage to stay together.

I kept on reading her emails, and even though there is nothing steamy from my wife side, I do not trust him. He hasn't told his wife that he was communicating with his ex and he sends pictures of him, calls her "sunshine" and some other flirty names. I truly believe he's in for a little excitement. My wife doesn't seem to see it that way, I think she's in denial.

Yesterday I asked her if she was still writing and she told me she did. So I told her that I didn't understand why she still felt the need to write to him after finding out if he was married, kids, what he does. I have no problems with that, but only if it stops there. If she needs more, then I believe she somehow missed him and feels the need to reconnect. I personally had the same thing with an ex that I cared for. She called me 10 years later while I was married to my present wife. We spoke for 10min. and that was it. Didn't need anything more because I was happy with my present wife.

So I don't understand her position and she doesn't understand mine. She doesn't see it as a threat. I said that maybe now it is not a threat, but if it would continue it could become one. This is how emotional affairs start.

Anyway, she told me she would stop writing. She sent him an email saying she needed to stop for now because it was creating problems between her and me, but she also said she was happy she knew how to reach him now, and that she will get back in touch when things are better. To be honest, it doesn't really satisfy me. I wonder now if she will get back in touch, when and if she is going to tell me about it. I guess I will have to keep on checking her emails, even though I would have preferred to stop doing this. I feel like I am betraying her. I also feel that she holds against me the fact that I asked her to stop . What bothers me the most is that she has this ability to push the emotions under the carpet and move on with our lives. Meanwhile, I still have all these questions in my head.

Before I told her to stop writing and had this whole discusion, I was having problems sleeping, eating and concentrate at my job. I told her that, and she said she didn't realize that this was creating such problems. We talked over the phone (I was away on a business trip) and exchanged emails. In all this time she never tried to reassure me that I was the one by just saying "I love you" or something similar. The only thing she said is that she would not give up what she has to start all over again. She's always had a hard time expressing feelings. I can go for a while and I am ok with it, but once in a while it bothers me. I need to hear it. She does love to take good care of me in other ways. She likes to take care of pretty much everything in the house so that I can enjoy my free time to spend it with the kids, and for me to do my own stuff. She is very thoughtful in buying me little gifts, and that we have sex. And most of all she's a great mother. So I believe that it's her way to express her love.

Sex hasn't been the best, but we still manage to have this kind of intimacy at least twice a week. I know a lot of couples that don't have that. (I know some have more too ). But I don't care so much. I sometimes would like more affection.

I know you probably wonder why I am with her if I have these negative feelings, but I just love her. We have some good talks, she's smart, we laugh together, etc...

Anyway, I wanted to make it shorter, but I must say it feels good to write about it and read your answers. I was missing an opinion from somebody outside of this.

Thank you.

 

 

I want to ask you something. Does your wife tell your daughters she loves them? If so, and she has no problem telling them she loves them; then she does not have a problem expressing her affection.

[jean71]

is there any chance you can contact the ex's boyfriends wife to let her know what's going on? that would sure stop things quick.

 

I thought of that, but I also don't want to destroy his family. He has kids. Then what ? He'll make a bigger move on my wife.

To be honest I also thought of writing to him and ask him what his intentions are. If he's done asking her what she's become, then either he quits his wife and ask my wife to live with him, or get the hell out of our lives.

Appreciate your input.

[jean71]

I want to ask you something. Does your wife tell your daughters she loves them? If so, and she has no problem telling them she loves them; then she does not have a problem expressing her affection.

 

That's a very good question. This is something I have observed, and I think there are 2 different ways she asks. My older daughter is a bit like me. She likes reassurance, very loving with quite a low self esteem. With her, I notice that she doesn't tell her she loves her as much as the other one. The other one does not look for so much affection and therefore my wife tends to give her more attention in that aspect.

It's almost like if my wife does not deal well if she's given affection or more importantly requested to give affection. It makes her sort of run away from it.

I told her yesterday that at this point the situation had affected me and that I would appreciate her help to get out of it. Well today the only thing I got was one goodbye kiss when she left the house. Nothing else. Not a kind word or a hug. I really don't feel like giving it to her because I don't want her to feel that I am all over her. But all I am doing is holding myself back. It's just a weird complicated dynamic.

 

Thank you for your help.

[Jerseyboy.]

I hate to say it bro, but it in my experience has never been a good sign when an ex starts contacting me. They are always "unhappy"

 

Same thing happened when one contacted me, found my IM and started chatting with me. We talked on the phone as well. Kept trying to get me to meet up with her, she lived I think In Texas by that point. When she started withe the telling me her fantasies of us parts, I started telling her listen you are married, you have kids, think about all the things you are risking. It isnt worth it, work on your marriage etc.

 

I ended up getting a call from her husband. Thought it would be some major drama, but he had found the IM conversations, and knew what I had been telling her. He was emotional, and thanking me.

 

Its still early man, get to it while you can if tis worth saving. Sometimes confronting them makes them see it all in reality, as opposed to whatever little fanatsies she has going on in her head.

[jean71]

DO NOT LET HER KNOW YOU ARE READING THEM.

 

Have you been having problems in your marriage?

 

Arguing?

 

How old is she?

 

Yeah, it's a bit premature to cut her off IMHO.

 

We rarely argue to be honest. We have a pretty good relationship. I would say no more problems than any other marriage.

She's 45 and I am 40.

[jean71]

I hate to say it bro, but it in my experience has never been a good sign when an ex starts contacting me. They are always "unhappy"

 

Same thing happened when one contacted me, found my IM and started chatting with me. We talked on the phone as well. Kept trying to get me to meet up with her, she lived I think In Texas by that point. When she started withe the telling me her fantasies of us parts, I started telling her listen you are married, you have kids, think about all the things you are risking. It isnt worth it, work on your marriage etc.

 

I ended up getting a call from her husband. Thought it would be some major drama, but he had found the IM conversations, and knew what I had been telling her. He was emotional, and thanking me.

 

Its still early man, get to it while you can if tis worth saving. Sometimes confronting them makes them see it all in reality, as opposed to whatever little fanatsies she has going on in her head.

 

Actually this whole thing of contacting started because of me. I grew up in Europe and friends from there asked me to join Facebook. I am not really into these things, but I did. I got in touch with a lot of friends from school, work. Men and women. I work in an environment where there are more women than men. So I just got in touch with some of them. Once I found out what they were up to, that was it for me. I don't need anything else.

I have nothing to hide, my wife could read all the messages (in fact I offered), I even mention in a lot of them that I have a wonderful wife (that's how I felt before this whole mess).

She found that guy through Facebook. Turned out that he had been looking for her for quite some time. He mentioned to his wife that he was looking for my wife, but didn't tell her he had gotten in touch. To be honest, I think my wife has good intentions in just contacting him and get back in touch with nothing else. But by reading his emails, I think he's got more on his mind. I had to make it stop because it was getting dangerous and she just couldn't see it.

[stillafool]

That's a very good question. This is something I have observed, and I think there are 2 different ways she asks. My older daughter is a bit like me. She likes reassurance, very loving with quite a low self esteem. With her, I notice that she doesn't tell her she loves her as much as the other one. The other one does not look for so much affection and therefore my wife tends to give her more attention in that aspect.

It's almost like if my wife does not deal well if she's given affection or more importantly requested to give affection. It makes her sort of run away from it.

I told her yesterday that at this point the situation had affected me and that I would appreciate her help to get out of it. Well today the only thing I got was one goodbye kiss when she left the house. Nothing else. Not a kind word or a hug. I really don't feel like giving it to her because I don't want her to feel that I am all over her. But all I am doing is holding myself back. It's just a weird complicated dynamic.

 

Thank you for your help.

 

 

I am sorry for you and your oldest daughter that you are not given the affection you desire. If I were you I would stop asking her or seeking affection from her for a while. Give her a chance to come to you for love. I know this is hard when you are starving for it but I'm thinking her ex was probably more unavailable in that area which may be attractive to her. Who knows? But when one thing isn't working it makes sense to try something else.

[jean71]

She actually wrote him that she had to stop exchanging emails because it was creating problems between her and I. However she said that she was happy to know that she now knows how to contact him, and that she will write again when things settle down. I will wait and see if she tries to get back in contact behind my back. Still got issues I want to talk to with her. I think that this has open up the opportunity to discuss things that we haven't in the past.

 

Thanks for your help.

[JaneInVegas]

She actually wrote him that she had to stop exchanging emails because it was creating problems between her and I.

 

Did she write this with the intention of you reading it, or does she even know that you read it? If she has no clue you're reading her emails, this is a very good thing. I'm with the other poster that said don't let her know ... DON'T. Act disinterested in them. Like I said previously, I wouldn't worry about it unless she suddenly changes the password.

 

I know how guilty you feel about snooping on her - I'm in the same boat, and it eats on me sometimes - but you'll never know the truth unless you do. As a last resort you could always get a keylogger.

 

I think you're on the right track though, I honestly do. I think maybe you're just a little too worried about it, but you have a healthy amount of suspicion. Unless she's totally being a con artist, I think she's just being friendly with this guy, and nothing more.

[jean71]

This is my take on the situation. You and your wife have reached a point where things might be a little boring and you both have came to accept that there are some incompatibilities, which is perfectly normal. It sounds like you both are committed to your marriage and your family, but with that said she was doing something that bothered you and rightly so, but you asked her to stop and she did, so that is a good thing. I really think that she does not see the danger in keeping contact with this ex, but there is a big danger. She is lacking something in her life and no I'm not saying it's your fault, so she is vulnerable to attention from another man and as it is right now she is not crossing any lines but most people that get into affairs do not intend to cross lines or hurt their spouse. So far she hasn't lied to you about it or kept it hidden and that is a wonderful sign. I hate spying on someone but I think it would be a good idea for you to keep an eye on her email for a while and if she continues speaking with this man, you need to let her know that it is not acceptable for you and it could cause big trouble for your marriage. In the mean time....continue to love her and perhaps show her a bit of extra attention and appreciation for the things you appreciate and admire about her. Help her fill up that hole that something is lacking in her life. Usually what is given is returned tenfold. Good luck!

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

I think you are right. She was not aware of the risks involved, but after I told her it bothered me, she put an end to it. The only problems right now is 1) I don't know if she holds something against me for not letting her have contact with him. 2) don't know how to deal with the very low expression of affection. I don't know if I need more of it after what happened, or if she gives less after what happened. All I know, it is affecting me because I think about it a lot. It is also affecting sex right now because I don't feel as close to her as I would like to feel. I was thinking going to a marriage counselors. This experience has raised a lot of questions on my relationship with her.