split up after 14 years!! am i going mad ???

[MuG]

hi loveshack, i've been lurking for a few days now and have finally plucked up the courage to post my story, i'll try my best to explain but my head just is not in the right place so please have some patience i'm sorry.

 

i was with my now ex-girlfriend for 14 years, and i was booted out several weeks ago. we have no children together but she has a 15yr daughter who calls me dad and i see her as my own. i also have a 19 yr old son from a previous relationship and i love them both to bits. we all got on ok, of course we had our problems but what family dont!

 

to be completly honest with everybody we both had a drug problem early on in our relationship but we got through that and have now been clean for four years . we both struggled with depression for a while but i felt we were starting to get somewhere, so did she.

 

one problem before was the place we lived, for 13 and half years. it was a 2 bed flat that was falling apart, but worst of all was the memories of our past and it got us both down. then in febuary of this year we manage to get ourselfs a lovely 2 bedroom house. we were both buzzing and seen this as our 'new start' things were really good for a while.

 

at this time our daughter was starting to become very difficult, basically the same as any other 15yr old, you know, doing nothing to help, room a tip, not washing up if asked, all the usuall stuff. but she was so rude to the ex they would fight like cat and dog. i felt in the middle and i think the ex thought i was taking her side. i could see this was getting the ex down and it seemed she was slipping back into a deppression. this worried me as she just started a new job a few months earlier as a p.a, something she has wanted to get back into for ages.

 

when we moved in (a private court with 10 houses in) we noticed that our next door neighbour and another across the court were alcoholics, the kind that has special brew for breakfast and all day long. they didn't cause any bother they just had a few friends round and enjoyed a drink and had a laugh. one day we were sat out on the patio and the neighbour came out and insisted we went round for a drink. it was only early morning so we said a coffee only as we are not big drinkers at all, the ex would only have a couple of glasses of wine a week. so we went and they were actually quite funny we stayed for half hour and left. even taking the p*ss out them when we got home. after that we would maybe pop round twice a week when invited and have a glass of wine and there was always a few people in either house having a laugh, and i could see the ex really enjoying herself everytime we went, especially with the next door neighbour. this guy is such mess it has to be seen to be believed!!!.... it was around this time i would get back from work to see her next door or across the road more and more.

 

my step daughter was noticing her mom was spending more and more time with them and was so against it as her friends would sometimes come back and she didn't want them to see her mother drunk, but we could both see that she was loosing the plot.

 

everything just seemed to turn overnight it was crazy. i got the 'i need some space' speech one night and i asked is it because of him next door and she totally refused saying it's all in my head. i couldn't believe this, these 2 people are so different, she's well educated great looking petite girl great job pays well, and he looks an unwashed mess???????? anyway that night she invites a few people round including the neighbour, goes to shop and comes back with 2 big bottles of vodka and starts drinking like there's no tomorrow. there was also another guy there that night who was flirting with her and she seemed to be loving it. i even had to see him slap her arse and it didn't seem to bother her, i'd had enough then and asked her wtf is going on and she stormed off and i told the rest to leave. i left it a few minutes and walked round the corner, thats when i first seen them kissing. sorry to say but i punched him a few times and am quite ashamed to say i wished i punched him a bit more but that dont solve anything i suppose..i went back home feeling sick and it aint left me to this day...tbh i cant remember much of what happened after that, i know i left a day or so after. i didn't have anywhere to go so slept in my van. thankfully the salvation army put me in touch with fry housing and they gave me a hostel 3 weeks later where i am to this day.

 

the room they have gave me i am very grateful for, but it's very small and i feel i am going mad, that sickness feeling in my stomach just wont go away and i cant think straight. i cant focus on anything (believe, this has taken hours) i just cant get her out of my head. and i aint really got any friends i can talk to and i dont want to burden my son.

 

i found out a couple of weeks ago that our daughter has left home, and she has gone to her nans. as him from next door was coming round more often and she really hated him for splitting up the family, my daughter asked him to go one day and he just laughed at her. this made me sort of angry and again stupidly i went down there and tried to kick his door in as he would not come out to me. she called the police as she was there and i got arrested.

 

i have seen her twice now, the first time she looked an absolute mess, we went out for a meal but i picked her up at 11.30am and she was out her face, could hardly walk straight. we still went for something to eat and i was trying to ask her why she has made things so painful for us but more importantly why the **** are you choosing this drunk over your daughterbut she could only say i dont know!! i dont know whats happening to me.

 

the second time i saw her was when i bumped into her in town, she had a black eye and a cut on her forhead. she fell over she said. when you have known someone for 14 yrears you know when their lying. i saw red again and got arrested again.

 

??????? i cant ignore this surely ???????

 

what do i do, i'm worried sick about her. there is loads more to this but i feel i'm waffling on so put it in the next post.

 

thanks for reading.

 

mark the MuG

Edited December 3, 2009 by MuG

[tetsue]

I dont have much wisdom in the way of marriage or anything like that, and i am pretty young myself, 20, but I suffered my parents both becoming alchoholics when i was 12-13 years old, so i know about spousal abuse and alchoholism in families and what it does to people. Your ex is an addict and needs help- she also has someone who supports her addiction and treats her badly. What i did in a similar situation was notify the police of the abuse, speak (a lot) with my mom (she was with another guy at this point, not my father) and eventually she got the hint and sobered up. but then again, she hopped back on the booze train on and off for years after that, leaving me to raise my brothers while my family worked, so i dont really know what will work, but what i did was the best i could do for her. ALSO, and much more importantly, i was there for my little brothers all the time. I showed them the things my father couldnt teach them because of work, etc, and i cared for them more than my mother could have. Maybe you need to find out if you can save your ex, as you appearantly still love and care about her, and help your daughter, because she is yours, as much as you can, because from personal experience i can tell you its ripping her apart more than you can imagine.

[carlin7386]

i feel sorry for you both

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