Mathew King Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Hello, i'm just new to loveshack but have been reading threads on here for the past month. My wife whom I have been with for 9 years and love so dearly (words cannot express how much) has told me recently she loves me but is not in love with me and has felt this way for quite some time. We have 2 kids together 8 and 4 who are just the bees knees. I understand why she is not in love with me as I have never been the best boyfriend/Husband. I have lied to her but never cheated on her and she does not trust me anymore. When I was 12 I was in a horrific car accident, my mother died right in front of me, I had 2 broken legs and my dad had a broken leg in 2 places. After the crash happened my Dad, me and my brother went through councelling and rebuilding our family, however I felt it did not change the fact that my Mother passed and felt that whoever came into my life may die too and I found it extremely hard to get close to anyone. I told her after our first son was born that I didnt love her anymore because that was the way I felt at the time, this threw her into a spin, things were moving so fast. Time went on we seperated for a while then moved bak in togetha when I realised hang on **** I do Love her, by then her love was dying for me but reluctantly agreed to move bak in with me saying she cant promise me anything. When our second son was born, my heart was in 2. My wife's pelvic bone split and she was in hospital for over a week, all I could do was sit next to her hoping she would be ok, I couldn't eat or sleep. By this stage I was so in love with her. My wife was almost crippled and its been a long recovery, i gave up work (not immediatly though as I should of) and took care of the kids. I knew my wife was unhappy however wasn't sure if it was to do with the fact that her injury was disabling her from getting out and doing lots of things or if it was because I wasn't her knight in shining armor anymore. All in all the tables turned on our relationship and it's me now who loves her like there is no other women on the planet and she is not in Love with me and wants to (and wants me) to start seeing other people. I love her so dam much its killing me inside, however her happiness is very important to me and I know that I have to let her go How do I let this incredible woman go?
Echota Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Hi Mat. I just recently went through the same thing (click on my name and read my post " My world just fell apart") and I'm trying to work it out too. I don't know what's going to happen with you but I know that right now you're going through the worst hell you could ever imagine. I'm really early into our seperation and the only thing I can tell you is stay strong. It's a long road of crazy. The most important thing is to give her some time and take a little time to figure out what happened. Evaluate yourself to. In my case it was me that drove my wife out. I was totally unaware of how big of an ashl I was until this happened and I really sat down and thought about it. If you don't think there's a chance to work things out then just move on. You'd be much better off. If you do think there is the strap yourself in for the fight of your life. Getting her back is going to depend entirely on you. You're going to have to make a major effort to fix your problems first (anger, isolation from her, selfishness, ect.) and while you're doing that give her her space. Don't call or text her every day, don't ask her friends about her (because it will get back to her) and do not show our anger, frustration or pain to her. Say you're sorry and how much you love her (once, do not repeat this over and over every time you see her) and that you hope you can work this out. Most of all, for you, don't get frustrated. Your brain is going to get more twisted than your heart is right now. DO NOT let your thoughts cloud your logic. You're going to assume all sorts of things but you've just got to keep your cool and don't escalate this any further. Consider this a cooling down period for both you and her. Again, give her space and try to develope a plan to fix whatever you did to add to this situation.
floridapad Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 MK - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It truly does suck. You will learn alot from this experience and grow from it if you chose to. Having said that there is one thing in your post that stuck out. "She wants to see other people". It's quite possible she may already be seeing someone else. Check the cell phone bills etc. etc. Do not accuse her of anything. Trust but verify. See if she will try marriage counseling. Be calm. You say you may not be her night in shining armor anymore? Well one thing for sure is that if your begging pleading, crying up a storm , whining, whimpering, guilting (all of which I did), rest assured you will NOT be her night in shining armor. Grieve and cry away from her. Do it with friends, a counselor, your dog, cat whoever, just don't do it in front of her. Women don't mind you crying over Old Yeller or 9/11 or loss of a Marine but if your crying or begging or pleading over them because they're not in love with you anymore...Forget it. Keep checking in here. It is a great support network. Keep us all up to date on stuff. Good luck
Author Mathew King Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Thanks for your comments I really appreciate it! You are totally right floridapad about the part "grieve away from her" For about a week after she told me i've been doing nothing but sobbing and acting like a real girls blowse in front of her (only because I was distraught, confused, sad, lonely, living in a dark world and all the rest of it and did start to realise it was only making things worse. I've made a point of not crying or being emotional anymore in front of her. It cuts me to shreds the mere thought of her in someone elses arms but I know I have to let go of her and if she comes back one day then I will be the luckiest man in the world! She is gorgeous. Thanks Echota, I really hope with all my heart that we can fix our relationship, at the moment the plan is that she is gonna move out March 2010 (when the lease on our place expires) and from there on in it will be rough and bumpy! As of today my son and I are starting Karate Lessons so I can keep my mind busy and also be able to protect the ones I truly Love.
Cranialrupture Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Here's a few things that are helping me to get through things.. Start with yourself. You can never be in a fullfilling relationship until you yourself are complete. Do things you enjoy!!! Take care of yourself. Eat right and get excecise. Try out new foods. I do not recommend her staying with you until march. If she can go somewhere else she needs to. You will not begin to heal until she is away from you. Your subcincious mind is what really needs to heal and as long as she's still there, it won't. Go NC as much as possible, talk only of the kids when necessary. Get on a schedule that you like and stick with it.!! Your biggest feeling of devastation is the loss of control in your life. Your fears (which are mostly unjustified and bs) will try and control you. She will play the victim and try and paint you in bad light to justify herself. The best chance you have of getting her back is to take care of yourself and your life. You cannot force her to do anything she doesn't want to. Stop trying. Its all about you now. Take it day by day, hour by hour. Get counseling for yourself. YOU are the ONLY one that can make you happy. Learn from the past but don't live in it. You might have one door closing but you have alot of others opening up. Keep posting here, LS has a lot of good, caring people that are here for you.
hopesndreams Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 however her happiness is very important to me and I know that I have to let her go More important is your happiness. Not hers, not anymore. She has gave you the ILYBNILWY. She no longer wants to be with you. Whether that is because of another man or not ( most likely there is an OM), why wait until March? Your W is giving herself until March to get her life sorted, wean herself off you and hopefully get a kiss goodbye where you both remain friends. That is not what you want right? But that is where it's heading. The time to act is now. Investigate. Find out for fact if there is someone else turning her head. Next, boot her out. Now. It will turn her world upside down and give her chance to really think about what she is throwing away. Go LC because of the kids and do not share what you are doing, how you are feeling, etc with her. She must miss you in order to snap her out of what is really going on. Then you would be able to fix the M but only as long as both of you work on it and there is no other man on the scene.
eversay Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Matt - Why don't you tell everybody the true reason why your wife doesn't love you anymore.
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