thegreatmoose Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Oh, I'm definitely fat! I wear a size 14 and am too terrified to actually get on a scale. Plus I live in NYC, where the streets are swarming with emaciated models, and I'm constantly surrounded by thin bellydancers. It sucks!! At least the way he treated me will motivate me to get in shape, because I'd like to be treated better next time (if there even is a next time.) Actually I think I'm just going back to hibernating like I have been for the past 2.5 years. At least in that time I didn't bother anyone! Different men like different women. I'd have no problem at all dating a size 14. If you get in shape, do it for you and NOT for some worthless idiot. Dating is very tough for so many reasons. It may be the most frustrating thing I've ever done, but I know the reward is tremendous if I find the right woman. Don't give up.
Author sedgwick Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) you just got to keep loving yourself and believing that you deserve someone who is just as into you as you are into him... he's out there! Well, I'm 38 and I've gotten nothing in my 30s but rejection. The last six guys I've dated have rejected me. I asked one of them once if there was anything about my body he liked, and he said, "I like how it looks when we're f*cking." That was the nicest thing any of them were ever able to say to me. (Bassf*cker used to tell me he liked my body, but then, everything he said turned out to be a total lie, so that doesn't count.) I know that there are some women who are simply too fat for men to be attracted to them, and I know I'm one of them. The only time I ever knew what it was like to be considered sexy was when I was anorexic -- I got plenty of attention then. Unfortunately, it seems I can't eat AND get dates! Edited December 7, 2009 by sedgwick
thegreatmoose Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well, I'm 38 and I've gotten nothing in my 30s but rejection. The last six guys I've dated have rejected me. I asked one of them once if there was anything about my body he liked, and he said, "I like how it looks when we're f*cking." That was the nicest thing any of them were ever able to say to me. (Bassf*cker used to tell me he liked my body, but then, everything he said turned out to be a total lie, so that doesn't count.) I know that there are some women who are simply too fat for men to be attracted to them, and I know I'm one of them. The only time I ever knew what it was like to be considered sexy was when I was anorexic -- I got plenty of attention then. Unfortunately, it seems I can't eat AND get dates! Almost everyone has rejections and many are downright cruel. They stink and I'm often very down after them before I am able to pick myself back up and realize it is their problem and not mine. Also, there are many women far far larger than you that are happily married. Don't be so hard on yourself. You just haven't found the right guy yet.
Author sedgwick Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Also, there are many women far far larger than you that are happily married. Don't be so hard on yourself. You just haven't found the right guy yet. I'm thinking that if I haven't found him by 38, he's probably not out there. The past decade has basically been nothing but rejection, and I'm just tired of putting myself through it. I've stayed in my apartment for the past 2.5 years, leaving only to dance, go to therapy, and run errands. It's been lonely but at least I haven't been rejected. I'd rather be alone than try this dating thing again. I'm just so tired of bothering guys, and out of respect for them I know I need to just keep to myself from now on.
Boundary Problem Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I'm thinking that if I haven't found him by 38, he's probably not out there. The past decade has basically been nothing but rejection, and I'm just tired of putting myself through it. I've stayed in my apartment for the past 2.5 years, leaving only to dance, go to therapy, and run errands. It's been lonely but at least I haven't been rejected. I'd rather be alone than try this dating thing again. I'm just so tired of bothering guys, and out of respect for them I know I need to just keep to myself from now on. I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe take a break. Don't give up. There are lots of nice people out there and they will love you the way you are. You have a lot to give and it is just a matter of finding a good match. Don't settle for less.
tkgirl Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well, I'm 38 and I've gotten nothing in my 30s but rejection. The last six guys I've dated have rejected me. I asked one of them once if there was anything about my body he liked, and he said, "I like how it looks when we're f*cking." That was the nicest thing any of them were ever able to say to me. (Bassf*cker used to tell me he liked my body, but then, everything he said turned out to be a total lie, so that doesn't count.) I know that there are some women who are simply too fat for men to be attracted to them, and I know I'm one of them. The only time I ever knew what it was like to be considered sexy was when I was anorexic -- I got plenty of attention then. Unfortunately, it seems I can't eat AND get dates! seriously, stop being so hard on yourself... the chemistry thing he was talking about could have nothing to do with your body type at all. And you know, guitar guy used the same line on me and I'm a size 4! When he ended it (the second time) he told me he thought we "just didn't have that chemistry" and this was after we had slept together a couple times! It didn't make any sense at all... I mean, the very first time he and I were really alone together we couldn't keep our hands off each other! and actually pretty much every time after that too... we definitely had "chemistry" but he chose to ignore it for whatever lame reason. Oh, and after he said this to me? he came back.. or wanted to... and I was like "huh?" Sometimes I think we give guys too much credit... like the whole "he's just not that into you" thing.. sometimes they just don't know what the F they want! But then again, if they are not sure than yea.. they aren't into you enough and do you really want to waste your time with a guy like that. Man, I'm rambling! I just don't want you to give up...
thegreatmoose Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I'm thinking that if I haven't found him by 38, he's probably not out there. The past decade has basically been nothing but rejection, and I'm just tired of putting myself through it. I've stayed in my apartment for the past 2.5 years, leaving only to dance, go to therapy, and run errands. It's been lonely but at least I haven't been rejected. I'd rather be alone than try this dating thing again. I'm just so tired of bothering guys, and out of respect for them I know I need to just keep to myself from now on. You have a lot of time and you are never too old. The last date I had was with a woman about your age and one I really wanted to date was 40 but I didn't even get a first date. Neither wanted me, but I have to get up and keep looking. It is concerning that you don't get out and enjoy yourself more. It may be something you want to work on. I get the impression you are down on yourself and hopefully you can change that. Put yourself first. You deserve to. Just keep at it and try learn to let these rejections roll off your sleeve. I'm trying myself and it's not easy. Remember, it's their problem and not yours.
SadandConfusedWA Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Sedge, You handled the whole DrummerBoy fiasco admiringly. He definetly flirted with you and gave you mixed signals that would confuse anyone. Yet, you confronted the situation head on and told him how you felt. No games, no BS. That takes so much courage and strength. Imagine if you said nothing and kept hanging out with him every now and then whilst hoping that something might happen - THAT is what a weaker person would have done. Funny thing is that it's probably true that DB is being rejected by some other girl while that girl is probably pining over someone else... that's just life. As for the body issues, imagine the scenario where you manage to diet yourself down to a say..... size 4. Imagine then that DB suddenly wants you. Would you truly want to be with someone that rejects you as a size 14 but not a size 4? I know I wouldn't. DB's preferences are his issue and not yours. Don't internalize them into hatred for yourself. The way I deal with THAT is when I sense that a guy doesn't like me because I am not thin enough, I immedietly develop strong insinctive dislike of him and his shallowness. There ARE men out there that don't like thin girls. My morbidly obese high school friend got married to a lovely guy way before any of her thinner friends did. Losing weight is not the answer (unless you TRULY do it for yourself). Bottom line is: you are a beautiful (I have seen your pic), brilliant, strong, talented woman. And a great writer! Don't let some douche take that away from you. This too shall pass.
threebyfate Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well, I'm 38 and I've gotten nothing in my 30s but rejection. The last six guys I've dated have rejected me. I asked one of them once if there was anything about my body he liked, and he said, "I like how it looks when we're f*cking." That was the nicest thing any of them were ever able to say to me. (Bassf*cker used to tell me he liked my body, but then, everything he said turned out to be a total lie, so that doesn't count.)Do you recall what I mentioned earlier about crappy behaviour and not putting up with it? If you want to upgrade your men, you're going to have to KNOW that you deserve more respect and courtesy than the bolded statement. This shouldn't be the nicest thing that men have said to you.
Awesome Username Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 The fact that he left you to find your own way home so late tells me that no matter what you do, this guy is a pig. Sedg: It's not you. It's not you. It's not you. It's not you. This guy's a pig. Have more pride in yourself - these guys are going out with you to impress YOU, not the other way around. If I ever found out a guy I was dating ever left a girl to find her way home, I'd immediately find my way home. Blargh. No musicians!
Author sedgwick Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 If you want to upgrade your men, you're going to have to KNOW that you deserve more respect and courtesy than the bolded statement. This shouldn't be the nicest thing that men have said to you. Yeah, well, unfortunately it's the nicest thing any of them have said for the past six years. I think it's as good as I'm ever going to get. I keep going for these guys who are way too good for me and totally out of my league, and I keep getting burned. It's hard to think you deserve respect and courtesy when you go six years with none whatsoever.
threebyfate Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Yeah, well, unfortunately it's the nicest thing any of them have said for the past six years. I think it's as good as I'm ever going to get. I keep going for these guys who are way too good for me and totally out of my league, and I keep getting burned. It's hard to think you deserve respect and courtesy when you go six years with none whatsoever.I disagree that these guys are out of your league. sedg, you're going to have to learn to value yourself a little more. I mean it. You have to find a way to change the way you think about yourself, believing you deserve so little.
D-Lish Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Yeah, well, unfortunately it's the nicest thing any of them have said for the past six years. I think it's as good as I'm ever going to get. I keep going for these guys who are way too good for me and totally out of my league, and I keep getting burned. It's hard to think you deserve respect and courtesy when you go six years with none whatsoever. These guys aren't out of your league, more like the other way around!
Art_Critic Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Bottom line is: you are a beautiful (I have seen your pic), brilliant, strong, talented woman. And a great writer! I totally agree... Sedge.. the guys are losers.. really.. they are... Any guy who wold say those things to you is really a terrible person and someone who lacks self esteem so they attack yo to build themselves up.. Your guy is out there....
Author sedgwick Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 These guys aren't out of your league, more like the other way around! But that's silly. If I was out of their league, they'd be attracted to me. Both DB and bassf*cker are REALLY good-looking, smart, and talented (although DB can't spell but calls himself a good speller.) I am none of those things, or at least certainly not to the same degree as they. I don't know why I keep thinking I can run with such sexy guys, but I've definitely learned my lesson now. Since bassf*cker left me, I've curtailed my leaving the house by around 80%. It would seem it's time to cut back even more. I no longer feel comfortable bellydancing, because I know DB will be around. It sucks to think I may have to give that up too, but the less I go out, the less I bother people and the less they have to look at my body. I kind of feel like it's the courteous thing for me to do.
threebyfate Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 sedg, don't ever let crappy people beat you down. They're just a waste of emotion and time. Instead of feeling bad about the past, look forwards and keep moving on.
underpants Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 If it were not for hoodies and bad jeans I would have nothing to wear. Sedge, you know you rock. He would not have invited you if he did not hope to see you. Although, musicians always invite everyone on the planet to their shows. So there is that. Dress and go to enjoy a show, embrace that attitude and wear whatever you feel comfortable in. If you are comfortable then you will exude comfortable. Just don't dress up like you are a contestant on Rock of Love. That screams insecure, especially if it is not your normal attaire. Be true to yourself.
pandagirl Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 But that's silly. If I was out of their league, they'd be attracted to me. Both DB and bassf*cker are REALLY good-looking, smart, and talented (although DB can't spell but calls himself a good speller.) I am none of those things, or at least certainly not to the same degree as they. I don't know why I keep thinking I can run with such sexy guys, but I've definitely learned my lesson now. Since bassf*cker left me, I've curtailed my leaving the house by around 80%. It would seem it's time to cut back even more. I no longer feel comfortable bellydancing, because I know DB will be around. It sucks to think I may have to give that up too, but the less I go out, the less I bother people and the less they have to look at my body. I kind of feel like it's the courteous thing for me to do. Sedge, this is simply not true -- it's what your distorted thinking is telling. If I recall correctly, you have BPD. Take what you've learned in therapy and put it into practice now. What is important is NOT what some douchebag musician thinks about you, it's about how you feel about YOURSELF. You are talking about yourself in such a hateful manner. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
J dub Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 we accept the kind of treatment we think we deserve. Turn those thoughts around, sister. Demand respect and no one will question otherwise - a real woman can command that aspect, as can you. You just have to believe in yourself. And the only person stopping you, is YOU!!!!
tkgirl Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 But that's silly. If I was out of their league, they'd be attracted to me. Both DB and bassf*cker are REALLY good-looking, smart, and talented (although DB can't spell but calls himself a good speller.) I am none of those things, or at least certainly not to the same degree as they. I don't know why I keep thinking I can run with such sexy guys, but I've definitely learned my lesson now. Since bassf*cker left me, I've curtailed my leaving the house by around 80%. It would seem it's time to cut back even more. I no longer feel comfortable bellydancing, because I know DB will be around. It sucks to think I may have to give that up too, but the less I go out, the less I bother people and the less they have to look at my body. I kind of feel like it's the courteous thing for me to do. ok.. just stop right there! just because these guys you are attracted to possess physical good looks does NOT mean they are too good for you. Looks get you in the door, and that's about it... how these guys treat you and others is the true measure of how "good" they really are. You must start thinking of yourself as the catch that you are... so what if a couple dumbass guys didn't see that... seriously, I say f*** 'em... start doing things that make YOU happy.. including the belly dancing! Don't hide from the world and think that you are doing anyone a favor by staying home... is that how you really want to live your life?
underpants Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Yes, I posted without reading the thread in full. He is not worth a second thought. How silly. I'm certain if you flipped the script he would be all .... . Ultimately this would be a waste of time with such a tiny amount of satisfaction it would not be worth the effort. Even if you peaked his interest you would know you won a temporary booby prize. How is a person who puts you down a better person then you? There is honest healthy constructive criticism from true friends that you know and have invited into your life after a time and established trust and then there is manipulation of someone you don't know well. The latter only serves to boost their own insecurity and is subtle way of bullying. When you think about it that is just weird. Not all musicians are jerks, but it can be a weeded arena. I've dated my share. What do I know? I'm 39 and still kissing frogs.
J dub Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I'm with a musician, they are not all bad - but they DEFINITELY take some strong disciplinary measures to keep them in line. They are their own animal. If this is your kind, the ones you want, you have to work on you and believing in your self worth.
Stockalone Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) I no longer feel comfortable bellydancing, because I know DB will be around. It sucks to think I may have to give that up too, but the less I go out, the less I bother people and the less they have to look at my body. I kind of feel like it's the courteous thing for me to do. Let me ask you something: If a guy tells you that he doesn't want to date you because you have an ex that is still your friend, or because he doesn't like your tattoos, would that bother you? It wouldn't. The same is true for Drummer Boy. If you aren't his type, then you aren't his type. That happens to anyone and I know that can also be a blow to the self-esteem sometimes. But you don't have to give up belly dancing because of that. You did enjoy doing that before, whether or not he liked it was never important at that time. It shouldn't matter now either. I know you like(d) him, but he was very rude when he left you standing at the train station when he went home. He really has no class. You might not yet see it that way, but I am sure it'll sink in eventually. And you should leave the house to do things you enjoy as often as you did before and as often as you like. If you want to lose a few pounds for yourself, by all means, do it. But to think that you are bothering other people by simply leaving the house and walking down the street, that makes you your own worst enemy. I understand how years of rejection take their toll on people. Taking a break from dating can be helpful, though it may not always be the smartest thing to do. But that is up to you. However, there is really no reason to stop doing the things you enjoy. A fun hobby is a fun hobby, regardless of your relationship status. Edited December 7, 2009 by Stockalone
Author sedgwick Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 The thing I most wish I'd said to him is, "The small fork is for the f*cking SALAD." I took him to a nice restaurant and when the salad came I picked up the salad fork and he picked up the big one. Then he used the salad fork WITH the big fork to scoop up the last bits of lettuce off the plate. I was like, don't you know how to use a knife?! This used to bug the sh*t out of me with bassf*cker too. We'd be in a restaurant and he'd use his fingers instead of his knife. Both of them embarrassed me with their manners (or lack thereof.) And yet, still, they're too good for me. That's what really hurts.
J dub Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 And yet, still, they're too good for me. That may be how you feel about it, but it's not that they are too good for you. The sense of rejection is what is causing this disillusion. NOBODY likes to be hurt or rejected, which is why we continue on our journey to find the one who loves and appreciates us for who we are, with open arms. These idiots just showed you early on that they werent worth the time.
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