jwi71 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I have things to do, people to see, and places to go!! One of those places and people I trust is your divorce attorney. You don't need your H's permission to file. Sounds like you have an appointment to make. I'll tell you my "I did the right thing moment". Right after my now xW moved out I felt horrible. I MISSED my children. It was a cold, dark, and lonely place...not gonna lie about it. Hellish. After a few days I wondered if I had done the right thing. Then, in a moment of clarity I seldom achieve, it hit me. I was unhappy in that M as well. Never even knew it until SHE was gone. It was like a breathe of fresh air without her around. My life instantly, from an emotional perspective, improved. My former IC told me it was like living with a drunk. You never know you are until he comes home sober one night. THEN you know. That was my "closure" moment. The moment I was at peace with filing for D and showing the WW the door. One of the best decisions of my life. There is life after D...I'm 38, two kids and have the distinct pleasure of dating 24 year-olds (that's 100% true btw) Think Austin Powers...."Yeah baby, yeah!"
norajane Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 "you made me do it" the A that is. OMG, how did you not kick his ass out the door right that minute? You've got it right - take control over your own life. You are indeed FREE!
eeyore1981 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 "you made me do it" the A that is. i love you but I'm not in love with you so that's why I cheated. He wants a divorce, but isn't ready to move out asap. huh? In any case, I appreciated that he finally shared this with me as i have been going crazy trying to figure out what the hell is going on- I told him I know how he feels, b/c that is how I feel.....that lovin feelin has left the building for me too buddy!!...but I also am emotionally aware enough to know that it is still out there, just buried deep...and if we both want to resurrect it, we can...but it takes two to do that, to want it.....so I suppose it makes no difference how I feel- we BOTH must have faith. I cannot have enough for both of us. as far as him believing that he slept w/ MOW b/c he wanted a D?? Hmm, well, not so sure that is what is going on here, but he's been in IC about 6 months and that is his answer to WHY. He said he made the choice to betray b/c he did not know of a healthier way to tell me his true feelings. Then when I found out, he panicked at the thought of losing me, that he DID want me afterall. But then b/c of the A, I am so volatile and hurt, he's back to not wanting me. got it? So I thanked him. I am relieved to at least know I am not crazy. I will take him at his word, respect his feelings and honor his decision. And i will set my own agenda from here on out. He doesn't know when he will leave- he thinks that perhaps maybe we still have a shot... I cannot live like that- waiting for him to to decide if I am what he wants- so I will set my own boundaries and agenda. His revelation last nite has motivated me as never before...I have a lot to do and will do it...the speed at which I can get stuff done is amazing..I somehow forgot that thru all this A crap. Still in pain. Still want my H and M and family. But I am at last free from this pergatory I''ve been in! i wish he'd told me this sooner, but I know it was tough for him to tell me at all- he was balling as he was telling me all this....poor guy. I think he is actaully really confused and doesnt really know what he wants. I hope he can find whatever it is he is looking for...in the meantime, I have things to do, people to see, and places to go!! FREE AT LAST FREE AT LAST THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST. Thanks to all who have helped me so much. I'm sorry this has turned out this way. It really is all about him, isn't it? I have a lot of foul names floating in my head right now towards your H. You are going to be so much better off down the road with him gone, probably not today or tomorrow, but soon. I can't believe he lays this shyte on you and then has the balls to just stay right there, doesn't know when he is going to leave, etc. etc. but on the other hand, I am sure there is more than can be posted in a forum like this, too. Plus, I'm the kind of person who, if it's over, needs a clean break, and needs it now, so I'm sure I'm transferring my feelings onto you. Take care of yourself, and make sure you cover your @ss, for you and your son. Hell, if you can swing it, maybe you could go off to a spa for a few days and pamper yourself. Keep posting, or I will be worried about you. Sorry I'm not better at this.
eyeswide Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) Foreal, I'm so glad you have found your strength. He hasn't yet. He's lost right now and even though you've left him multiple trails of bread crumbs for finding his way back he can't even see them right now. Continue to see the MC during the separation, if you can. But make it clear to him, it's not necessarily to make your marriage work, but to help out with defining appropriate boundaries for your family while you move toward D. I'm so sorry you have dreams blowing up in your face, sweety. But I'm very proud of you for being strong and determined in the face of craziness. (((foreal))) Edited December 4, 2009 by eyeswide logic
HarmonyHope Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Let me get this straight - he says the affair is your fault, then he says it's your fault he wants a divorce because you are so volitile and angry over the affair. WTF? 6 months of IC and he STILL can't take responsibility. You will be so much better off without him.
2sunny Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Let me get this straight - he says the affair is your fault, then he says it's your fault he wants a divorce because you are so volitile and angry over the affair. WTF? 6 months of IC and he STILL can't take responsibility. You will be so much better off without him. amazing! i would have shown him the door immediately if not sooner and had the locks changed. you have way more patience than i do when it comes to betrayal at the highest level. kick him out today! who cares where he goes - he's never thinking of you so why should you make this easy for him?
freestyle Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 An analogy comes to mind here. You gave your H your heart. He took a dump on it. Now he wants to hand it back to you, complaining about the way it smells. I'm soo , soo, sorry foreal. He really crossed the line by trying to put the blame for his indiscretions on you. I'm getting really tempted to let loose a barrage of expletives, so I better stop here. (((((((foreal)))))))
hopeless4u Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 thanks Sunny yea, i guess that's where this is all going. What a waste of time this has all been. MC said often the one who wants out/seperated ends up wanting to come back, while the one who did not (me) realizes, hey, life's pretty damn good w/o that Ahole and ends up not wanting to get back together. i am distraught over my son though- he deserves a happy family, with a mom and a dad...it kills me that he won't have that. Don't stay for your son, I left my xH when my son was 9 yrs old, lost everything, started over but stayed friends with xH (wouldn't of if I'd stayed) our son has never suffered, in fact he is a credit to both of us (almost 18yrs old now) and off to university next year, so well mannered and has both his parents there for him whenever he needs us. Your son will understand when he gets older and as long as you both put him 1st I promise he won't suffer:)
Owl Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I've asked this before...and not seen an answer. What CONSEQUENCE has he truly suffered for lying to you? What real incentive does he face to tell the truth up front, versus the gain he gets (postponement of confrontation) by lying? He'll only stop when the benefits of telling the truth outweigh the conequences of lying. What are you doing to change the equation?
2sure Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 After repeated attempts to ask my H questions that I already had the answers to ...in an effort to give him every opportunity to tell me the truth..he wasnt capable of it. I wanted the truth from him NOT because I wanted to grill him, or because I wanted details...I had all that. I wanted him to say the words only so that I could know he was CAPABLE of telling the truth. It would have given me hope. We have been going to MC. Him hoping for recovery, myself looking for a more amicable divorce. Its been a few months into MC and my H , seeing that I am preparing and able to divorce him... Suddenly NOW wants to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help him G. You know what?? He only wants to tell the truth, or his version of it, because NOW it might help HIM to do so. I dont care anymore.
eeyore1981 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I've asked this before...and not seen an answer. What CONSEQUENCE has he truly suffered for lying to you? What real incentive does he face to tell the truth up front, versus the gain he gets (postponement of confrontation) by lying? He'll only stop when the benefits of telling the truth outweigh the conequences of lying. What are you doing to change the equation? This is true, but it is also easier said than done. The liar is usually swearing they aren't lying, and trying to make you think you are nuts. This is where people make themselves crazy trying to find proof. Then, people are generally trying to get the other person to tell the truth in an attempt to save the marriage, so it can be self-defeating to say and mean, 'tell me the truth or I'm leaving.' Also, a lot of times there is manipulation to make the BS feel that the truth is just around the corner, and it turns out it isn't. It's not like when your child lies and you can take their toy away or send them to their room.
Owl Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 True enough...and what I said about ending his lies also applies to the OP as well. She has to decide when the pain caused by his lying is enough to overcome the choice to do nothing about it. If it doesn't bother her enough to take a stand on it...then she won't. If it finally causes enough pain that it outweighs the pain of creating conflict over it...she'll act. It IS that simple...that doesn't make it easy. But if she's posting here as she is...that's an indicator that she's likely near her threshold of pain to actually instigate action.
eeyore1981 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 After repeated attempts to ask my H questions that I already had the answers to ...in an effort to give him every opportunity to tell me the truth..he wasnt capable of it. I wanted the truth from him NOT because I wanted to grill him, or because I wanted details...I had all that. I wanted him to say the words only so that I could know he was CAPABLE of telling the truth. It would have given me hope. We have been going to MC. Him hoping for recovery, myself looking for a more amicable divorce. Its been a few months into MC and my H , seeing that I am preparing and able to divorce him... Suddenly NOW wants to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help him G. You know what?? He only wants to tell the truth, or his version of it, because NOW it might help HIM to do so. I dont care anymore. I have felt like this, too. If HE can't tell me what happened, then all the other things he says, like it's over, and he's sorry, it will never happen again, he loves me, could be lies, too. You deal with this long enough, and you don't care. Why should you?
eeyore1981 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 True enough...and what I said about ending his lies also applies to the OP as well. She has to decide when the pain caused by his lying is enough to overcome the choice to do nothing about it. If it doesn't bother her enough to take a stand on it...then she won't. If it finally causes enough pain that it outweighs the pain of creating conflict over it...she'll act. It IS that simple...that doesn't make it easy. But if she's posting here as she is...that's an indicator that she's likely near her threshold of pain to actually instigate action. I don't think it is a case of doing nothing about it as much as what is being done is not effective. And as 2sure says, once the pain reaches a certain point, it's too late. It's such a vicious cycle, and what makes it even worse is when the WS is claiming they want to make the marriage work. It just heaps more damage on the BS.
2sunny Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 "you made me do it" the A that is. i love you but I'm not in love with you so that's why I cheated. He wants a divorce, but isn't ready to move out asap. this sounds like a man that still has an OW hanging around. also a man that still wants you to make it convenient for him to stay at home and still do whatever he wants. if you want to see a big difference - change needs to occur. what changes are you willing to make?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Hope you're hanging in there foreal.
betrayed2 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I agree with other posters, he is not going to give you what you need to forgive and forget and if he can't at the very least be open and honest with you then what kind of marriage is it? good luck
Spark1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I have felt like this, too. If HE can't tell me what happened, then all the other things he says, like it's over, and he's sorry, it will never happen again, he loves me, could be lies, too. You deal with this long enough, and you don't care. Why should you? I have said this in counseling! If you continue to lie about the bad (affair) stuff, HOW can I believe you when you say you are sorry, still love me, want a future with me. See, it tarnishes everything.
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