He just can't stop lieing

[foreal]

WTF?

 

My H is unable to stop lieing about the A...omissions etc lies, whatever.

 

Even when he says, "That's it! I swear there is nothing more!!"..there is always another shoe to drop.

 

So now, he says we should divorce b/c he is unable to stop lieing to me.

 

The A is over, but the lies still just spill out of him. A friend said to stop asking questions..but it isn't just the answers he lies about...I begged him to tell me, is there anything else? And he swears NO! then a day later I find evidence to the contrary. I've had to discover everything- he volunteers nada- sometimes he's answered truthfully- but mostky it is just bullshyt.

 

he says it is only the A that has him this way- that he is not a liar (he never was before) but he says he's so tangled up he just keeps lieing to a)spare my feelings b) cover his ass.

 

I cannot stand this anymore.

 

I know I can make it w/o him. And so I will. But damn, it hurts.

[2sunny]

WTF?

 

My H is unable to stop lieing about the A...omissions etc lies, whatever.

 

Even when he says, "That's it! I swear there is nothing more!!"..there is always another shoe to drop.

 

So now, he says we should divorce b/c he is unable to stop lieing to me.

 

The A is over, but the lies still just spill out of him. A friend said to stop asking questions..but it isn't just the answers he lies about...I begged him to tell me, is there anything else? And he swears NO! then a day later I find evidence to the contrary. I've had to discover everything- he volunteers nada- sometimes he's answered truthfully- but mostky it is just bullshyt.

 

he says it is only the A that has him this way- that he is not a liar (he never was before) but he says he's so tangled up he just keeps lieing to a)spare my feelings b) cover his ass.

 

I cannot stand this anymore.

 

I know I can make it w/o him. And so I will. But damn, it hurts.

 

well, leave him! if he hasn't suffered any consequences and he's not uncomfortable enough - he won't change a thing.

 

he lies to you because you tend to believe him - and it works for him.

 

throw him out - then you may see how he might ACTUALLY make an effort to change and become a bit more forthcoming. by then - you may not care one way or another though...

[eeyore1981]

WTF?

 

My H is unable to stop lieing about the A...omissions etc lies, whatever.

 

Even when he says, "That's it! I swear there is nothing more!!"..there is always another shoe to drop.

 

So now, he says we should divorce b/c he is unable to stop lieing to me.

 

The A is over, but the lies still just spill out of him. A friend said to stop asking questions..but it isn't just the answers he lies about...I begged him to tell me, is there anything else? And he swears NO! then a day later I find evidence to the contrary. I've had to discover everything- he volunteers nada- sometimes he's answered truthfully- but mostky it is just bullshyt.

 

he says it is only the A that has him this way- that he is not a liar (he never was before) but he says he's so tangled up he just keeps lieing to a)spare my feelings b) cover his ass.

 

I cannot stand this anymore.

 

I know I can make it w/o him. And so I will. But damn, it hurts.

 

I feel for you. I just had a meltdown this past week over this same thing. Lie, lie, lie, lie, it just never effing ends.

I still believed my H loved me right after I found out about his affair. 2 years of having him lie to me, while he can see it killing me right in front of his face, has pretty much shown me how wrong I am.

There is something seriously, seriously wrong with your H and my H. I know now our marriage will never be what it could be, because he won't let it. His loss. Your H's loss, too.

[foreal]

well, leave him! if he hasn't suffered any consequences and he's not uncomfortable enough - he won't change a thing.

 

he lies to you because you tend to believe him - and it works for him.

 

throw him out - then you may see how he might ACTUALLY make an effort to change and become a bit more forthcoming. by then - you may not care one way or another though...

 

thanks Sunny

 

yea, i guess that's where this is all going. What a waste of time this has all been.

 

MC said often the one who wants out/seperated ends up wanting to come back, while the one who did not (me) realizes, hey, life's pretty damn good w/o that Ahole and ends up not wanting to get back together.

 

i am distraught over my son though- he deserves a happy family, with a mom and a dad...it kills me that he won't have that.

[foreal]

I know now our marriage will never be what it could be, because he won't let it.

 

Exactly.

 

It is so sad.

[PhoenixRise]

Foreal

 

I think you need to start running your own agenda in terms of your marriage. You need honesty. You need to feel safe in the marriage. You need to KNOW that nothing else is going to blindside you. Your H is not giving you this.

 

AND frankly Foreal, this is the LEAST your husband will need to do for you to successfully reconcile.

 

I don't believe your H wants a divorce...it sounds to me like what he wants is for you to get off his back about everything. He wants you to accept that he has lied and just move on from there with a fresh slate. AND he wants to deceive himself that the lying was a part of the Affair him...and not part of the "real" him. He doesn't realize that since he is still lying this IS the real him and this him is not nearly good enough for you.

 

Run your own agenda Foreal based on what you want for your life and based on who your H is today. Maybe he will show up again as the honest, loving man you married..and if he does then he can once again be part of your plan...but you can't count on it. He will have to want/need to change on his own, based on the kind of man he really wants to be.

[2sunny]

the lies - be it by omission or cover up, etc - is always the hard part. seems if the spouse that cheated is unwilling to come clean and be honest - no healing can begin.

 

also, when the cheating spouse covers up - it appears that he/she is willing to defend the OW/OM more than he's willing to defend the M and begin the healing process of it moving forward. to NOT know is often what ends up eating away at the POTENTIAL process of repairing the relationship.

[quankanne]

he deserves a happy family, with a mom and a dad...it kills me that he won't have that. he will ~ just not how you initially planned to create a happy life for him.

 

as for the mentiroso you're married to: Maybe it's time to tell him, "I've been thinking about this seriously, and have come to the conclusion that because you've lied about your screwing around, you'll probably lie about other stuff. So to save time and frustration, I'm going to assume everything that comes out of your mouth isn't the truth." End of discussion, walk away.

 

the ideal outcome? He realizes just how much his word is worth. The not so good outcome? He doesn't get it. But hey, that could be a blessing in disguise because it'll drive home the fact that he's not trustworthy, and therefore not fit to be in the same marriage as you.

[PhoenixRise]

t

i am distraught over my son though- he deserves a happy family, with a mom and a dad...it kills me that he won't have that.

 

 

Foreal I sooooo get this. Before I separated from my H I put up with a lot because of the kind of life I wanted for my child....I believe my H used that desire against me and continued to ACK A FOOL right up until I packed my self and my child into my car and moved away. My H and I eventually reconciled..

 

If it comes to a separation or divorce your son will be fine. He will have to adjust (my daughter initially had adjustment issues when I left) but he will still have you both.

[eeyore1981]

thanks Sunny

 

yea, i guess that's where this is all going. What a waste of time this has all been.

 

MC said often the one who wants out/seperated ends up wanting to come back, while the one who did not (me) realizes, hey, life's pretty damn good w/o that Ahole and ends up not wanting to get back together.

 

i am distraught over my son though- he deserves a happy family, with a mom and a dad...it kills me that he won't have that.

 

Foreal, I stayed for my kids. There were other issues, mainly my kids loved their father, if we split, he would have gone back to being a drunk, and I would have been hard pressed to let him ever take them out of my sight. They would have lost their father, and I couldn't do that to them, no matter what I was going through. So I tried very hard to make the best of it. I kept telling myself things would get better, only to end up where I am now.

In most other cases, I do believe it is better for the parents to split, if one is so unhapppy. I wish my parents had split up.

 

Part of me, though, in reading your initial post, feels like this is manipulation on your H's part, to try to get you to 'beg' to keep the marriage. If you do split, tell him to get his sh** and get out. Let him go find a place to live, get utilities, furniture, dishes, etc. In other words, let him get slapped really hard upside the head by reality.

[jwi71]

i am distraught over my son though- he deserves a happy family, with a mom and a dad...it kills me that he won't have that.

 

I can't begin to tell you how wrong this is. Its so far off base its not even funny.

 

Do you honestly believe that your son has a happy family with Ward and June Cleaver? Not. Even. Close.

 

Divorce does NOT have to be the this huge emotional scar for children. My kids, 6 and 4 have showed NO adverse affects. None. Grades and behavior UNCHANGED. Now, in the interest in full disclosure, I paid for weekly play therapy sessions for both. After 3 months (12 sessions), the therapist concluded they were adjusting well and to bring them in once a month for the next year. NO ADVERSE AFFECTS. That bears repeating.

 

NO ADVERSE AFFECTS.

 

Why? We placed the needs of the children FIRST. We talk about how to speak of issues concerning the children BEFORE talking to the children. So we are on the same page. To tell them how BOTH LOVE THEM SO VERY MUCH.

 

I think that staying for "your son" does more damage to you, to your son and your stbxh than a divorce COULD ever do. Simply put your son's NEEDS above all else...and you can all be happy.

[foreal]

Foreal

 

 

 

AND he wants to deceive himself that the lying was a part of the Affair him...and not part of the "real" him. He doesn't realize that since he is still lying this IS the real him and this him is not nearly good enough for you.

 

.

 

Thanks PR

 

yea, he keeps saying it is just the A and the surrounding issues of it that he lies about- but cmon..he kept nude pics and a love letter from her in his office..which is down the hall from her office...

 

MC asked him WTF? H said he did it b/c of not who SHE was, but how it made him feel...that he did not think i would ever find them....huh? this is the same reasoning he had for having and A...that HE needed to feel better, that HE needed to give himself something, that he figured I'd never find out so what was the real harm...it's not like he wanted a D, he just wanted and A....loveley...so the pics and love letter? he didnt want HER, he just wanted the feeling those momentos provided him.

 

pathetic

[foreal]

I can't begin to tell you how wrong this is. Its so far off base its not even funny.

 

Do you honestly believe that your son has a happy family with Ward and June Cleaver? Not. Even. Close.

 

Divorce does NOT have to be the this huge emotional scar for children. My kids, 6 and 4 have showed NO adverse affects. None. Grades and behavior UNCHANGED. Now, in the interest in full disclosure, I paid for weekly play therapy sessions for both. After 3 months (12 sessions), the therapist concluded they were adjusting well and to bring them in once a month for the next year. NO ADVERSE AFFECTS. That bears repeating.

 

NO ADVERSE AFFECTS.

 

Why? We placed the needs of the children FIRST. We talk about how to speak of issues concerning the children BEFORE talking to the children. So we are on the same page. To tell them how BOTH LOVE THEM SO VERY MUCH.

 

I think that staying for "your son" does more damage to you, to your son and your stbxh than a divorce COULD ever do. Simply put your son's NEEDS above all else...and you can all be happy.

 

Thank you for saying this-

 

I know he will be okay as he has a mom and dad who do love him very much- it's just hard letting go of the idea that my kid would have a mom and dad together, in love, happy.

[foreal]

Foreal, I stayed for my kids. There were other issues, mainly my kids loved their father, if we split, he would have gone back to being a drunk, and I would have been hard pressed to let him ever take them out of my sight. They would have lost their father, and I couldn't do that to them, no matter what I was going through. So I tried very hard to make the best of it. I kept telling myself things would get better, only to end up where I am now.

In most other cases, I do believe it is better for the parents to split, if one is so unhapppy. I wish my parents had split up.

 

Part of me, though, in reading your initial post, feels like this is manipulation on your H's part, to try to get you to 'beg' to keep the marriage. If you do split, tell him to get his sh** and get out. Let him go find a place to live, get utilities, furniture, dishes, etc. In other words, let him get slapped really hard upside the head by reality.

 

I think tonite we will come to the conclusion for him to get the F out. He does need a slap of reality..I've made it all too easy on him- even with my anger- he's really not had to change much-

 

Please wish me strength-

[whichwayisup]

Pathetic is right. And either serioulsy insecure or going through a MAJOR mid life crisis.

 

Notice how it's ALL about him? WTF is right too.

 

Separation has to happen, not only to give you time and space to think but for him to work on himself and also see how life is without you and the family home, family daily life. Maybe once some reality and consquences kick in, he'll wake the F up. That is if you're willing to give him another chance later into the future..

[eeyore1981]

I think tonite we will come to the conclusion for him to get the F out. He does need a slap of reality..I've made it all too easy on him- even with my anger- he's really not had to change much-

 

Please wish me strength-

 

I wish you strength, and it is going to be so hard, I know it is. But it hasn't been easy before, and this way, you have major hurt you don't think you can stand for a limited time, and then it gets better. Instead of terminal hurt that never goes away. I know you can do this. You have so much grace and integrity, I wish I had half of what you do. I am pulling for you so hard, no matter how this turns out.

[foreal]

Pathetic is right. And either serioulsy insecure or going through a MAJOR mid life crisis.

 

Notice how it's ALL about him? WTF is right too.

 

Separation has to happen, not only to give you time and space to think but for him to work on himself and also see how life is without you and the family home, family daily life. Maybe once some reality and consquences kick in, he'll wake the F up. That is if you're willing to give him another chance later into the future..

 

Yes, he is insecure AND going thru a midlife crisis AND his mom died AND we had a kid we did not plan (our only kid), AND had family (2 kids) move in b/c their parents are idiots (they are no longer here though) AND he became the sole provider once I gave birth- all w/i a year...

 

other than that he's A okay.

[2sunny]

what bothers me is that he is so much looking for HIS comfort zone, HIS happiness, HIS feelings of well being.

 

has he ONCE considered what HE NEEDS TO DO OR NOT DO FOR YOUR FEELINGS? doesn't look like it.

 

no action on his part to make you feel comforted, loved, respected, relationship repaired, change jobs... nothing. only him wanting to have you forgive and forget like nothing ever happened. well guess what? SOMETHING did happen - and he should be acting like he is DESPERATE to make it up to you - any way he can... but it sure doesn't look like what he's doing at all.

 

i'd be willing to bet money he's still corresponding with her... and has been all along.

 

he's considering how this affects him so much and finding his comfort zone - that he completely overlooked how your feelings come into play. selfish really...

[turnstone]

Oh that's tough, but as eeyore says, the pain in kicking him out now is finite whereas what you'd be dealing with if you didn't, doesn't have an end in sight.

 

I hope you don't have to do this on your own and you have some kind of support from family or friends.

[RedDevil66]

Foreal: I'm in the same boat, but my BF never had an affair (or so I don't think)

 

What I did find out was when I left him 2 yrs ago for 6 weeks, he ran out within days to find someone to have sex with.

He spent a whole weekend with her and they had sex over and over. I did txt him that weekend to say I loved him and he replied he loved and missed me, but still continued to screw her. I think he did it because I left him and he thought I left him for another guy so he was "getting me back"........crazy!

 

As soon as we got back together, I asked him if he slept with anyone (my gut knew that answer was a yes). He lied and said "no" I knew he was lying and told him so, so he came clean, but didn't reveal the whole truth.

I got some details, but found out the truth later when I snooped.

 

I actually always really trusted my BF with all of me, but about 4 months ago, my gut was telling me otherwise. I got into his email and saw he was flirting with other women on email and FB.

No sex talk, but flirting.

I did see his entire web use log for a year and there was nothing bad in there.

What I did see was he signed up to singles sites and each time he did, was when we had a fight and I told him it was over (I did that too much back then).

All the pofiles he made we never active.

 

I asked him if he was talking to other women and he swore on his daughter's head he was not, then I told him I went into his email and saw he was talking to 2 other women.

Of course he said "when you asked, I swore on my daughter's head cause I thought you meant am I talking to other women and having sex with them"

 

These guys deny and lie til their grave. They are so ashamed of their weak and pathetic actions.

 

Then of course I went on to question more which was so painful since I never EVER questioned him and always thought he was the most trustworthy man I ever met

Turns out, there was another time we had a fight which he claims was 3 1/2 yrs ago (we've been together 4 yrs now) where he met a girl he works with to have sex.

He said I dumped him, he was hurt and felt lonely. But of course I said to him there must have been some major flirting if you had the balls to call this girl one night after I left you in order for you both to so easily screw around. He admitted they flirted a lot when they worked together.

 

I am SURE there are more women he's done this with now. His MO seems to be women at work. And any women, fat, married, not so pretty, he has no preference it seems as long as they can give him a bj.

He again swears on EVERYTHING there were only two others and no one else.

I think he's full of it and lying to save his ego. Not save me from hurt!

 

Now I get he did this when he was drinking (he's an alcoholic 18 months in recovery).

Then he says I was always talking to other men and maybe doing the same thing. Which is hilarious, and SO far from any reality.

So he thought he needed to do this first.

 

These guys are weak, look for excuses to act out their lack of character and lack of egos and lack of self esteem.

When people have no self worth, they will ALWAYS try to get it from others.

 

Now for the omitting. I think it's normal to omit. When I was a dummy and cheating on my ex 10 yrs ago, I did it for what I thought was love. When I told my ex and came clean, I omitted many aspects not to hurt him and not to look like a dummy.

I was stupid and selfish at the time.

I've lied to this BF in that, when I go out, men hit on me all the time (And he knows it) but I will always tell him men never do. I do it not to get his head in bad places.

 

He's snooped through my pc, my home to read my journal etc. He really in his heart believes I was cheating on him.

So his ego was dying and he needed to "one up" me.

He now sees how this has destroyed me and knows his thoughts about me were TOTALLY false so now he always says I never have to worry because he's going to not do what he did in the past. Still think he's full of it!

 

I wish I had good advice, but mistrust is a prime killer in any relationship. Even if they come clean with all the details, it's something we'll carry and it will hurt.

I was able to take his addictions, his recovery, his insane family but what I can't take is mistrust.

 

I've been torn about staying or leaving since I see my BF is working on himself. He's been in AA for 18 months, not had one drink and at his suggestion, we go to a AA couples group and he says he's ready to deal with whatever it is that we need to deal with. Am I suppose to believe that?!

 

YET, today he's out of town and I asked if he was going alone and he said yes, He sounded like he was lying. And this weekend is his office xmas party and I'm not going and I do not trust he will be faithful. And again, this is a guy I would have trusted alone with Pam Anderson for a week on a deserted island.

 

Do we leave and start over or do we give them the benefit of the doubt? It's all so confusing.

Mistrust turns a normal person crazy!

 

I sympathize with you

[eeyore1981]

I asked him if he was talking to other women and he swore on his daughter's head he was not, then I told him I went into his email and saw he was talking to 2 other women.

Of course he said "when you asked, I swore on my daughter's head cause I thought you meant am I talking to other women and having sex with them"

 

 

Respectfully snipped.

 

This is lying, manipulation, an attempt to muddy the waters, etc. They want us to be confused and not sure.

 

If you had meant 'and having sex with them' you would have included it in the question.

 

When mine first came out, the paper phone bills itemized texts but not calls. I asked my H, "How many times did you talk to her on the phone?" He replied, "Just a few times."

I then got online, and the calls were itemized. There were tons of calls. I confronted him, and he said, "I thought you meant compared to how many times we texted." BS. Why would I want to know how many times they talked COMPARED TO how many times they texted? I wanted to know how many times they talked, and that is exactly what I asked.

 

It's all about, it doesn't matter what kind of black and white proof you have, they really aren't liars, trust them, don't trust yourself, believe them, they wouldn't lie to us, they just misunderstood, it was a mistake, now lets spend hours discussing whether I really misunderstood your question and not discussing that I am a lowlife cheating liar, blah, blah, blah. The more confused and unsure they can make us, the more they get away with. :sick::sick::sick: Misdirection and manipulation, ain't it fun?

[quankanne]

it's just hard letting go of the idea that my kid would have a mom and dad together, in love, happy.

 

maybe not the "in love" part because of his selfish behavior, but you *can* let your child see that you can live happily even though you're divorced.

 

hope last night's "come to Jesus" meeting went well?

[foreal]

"you made me do it"

 

the A that is. i love you but I'm not in love with you so that's why I cheated.

 

He wants a divorce, but isn't ready to move out asap.

 

huh?

 

In any case, I appreciated that he finally shared this with me as i have been going crazy trying to figure out what the hell is going on-

 

I told him I know how he feels, b/c that is how I feel.....that lovin feelin has left the building for me too buddy!!...but I also am emotionally aware enough to know that it is still out there, just buried deep...and if we both want to resurrect it, we can...but it takes two to do that, to want it.....so I suppose it makes no difference how I feel- we BOTH must have faith. I cannot have enough for both of us.

 

as far as him believing that he slept w/ MOW b/c he wanted a D?? Hmm, well, not so sure that is what is going on here, but he's been in IC about 6 months and that is his answer to WHY.

 

He said he made the choice to betray b/c he did not know of a healthier way to tell me his true feelings.

 

Then when I found out, he panicked at the thought of losing me, that he DID want me afterall.

 

But then b/c of the A, I am so volatile and hurt, he's back to not wanting me.

 

got it?

 

So I thanked him. I am relieved to at least know I am not crazy.

 

I will take him at his word, respect his feelings and honor his decision. And i will set my own agenda from here on out. He doesn't know when he will leave- he thinks that perhaps maybe we still have a shot...

 

I cannot live like that- waiting for him to to decide if I am what he wants- so I will set my own boundaries and agenda. His revelation last nite has motivated me as never before...I have a lot to do and will do it...the speed at which I can get stuff done is amazing..I somehow forgot that thru all this A crap.

 

Still in pain. Still want my H and M and family. But I am at last free from this pergatory I''ve been in!

 

i wish he'd told me this sooner, but I know it was tough for him to tell me at all- he was balling as he was telling me all this....poor guy. I think he is actaully really confused and doesnt really know what he wants. I hope he can find whatever it is he is looking for...in the meantime, I have things to do, people to see, and places to go!!

 

 

FREE AT LAST FREE AT LAST THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST.

 

Thanks to all who have helped me so much.

[FreezorBurn]

Normal,

 

My wife lied about everything, Never knew she was capable of lieing as well as she did. I had to throw the proof in her face and then the Silence. Silence is the onlyu honest responce I can get.

 

Could he just be stupid and have forgotten a lot of stuff?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Praying for strength and whatever peace you can find. I don't like that he's not ready to leave just yet, I think its time he owns up to his own decisions.

 

Good luck, foreal. Sometimes what seems like the end of the world is really just the begining of a life we could never have imagined.