JaggedRoad Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) ugh... I've given myself some closure, but I'm still left wondering about her actions and her words. Nothing she did has been consistent at all. "You can call when I get the phone back." "You can call after a while, but not every day." "I don't want to make it seem like it's going to be the last time we'll talk even though it is." "It's going to be a farewell call and we'll both be sad and say sad things. I don't want that." "It's not going to be the last time we'll see each other. I might visit New York next Spring." "I'm planning on going to Paris, Hong Kong, Tokyo, and Taiwan while I'm at uni." "You can give me space, but that doesn't mean you have to stop talking to me." "Don't do something so drastic." (referring to my first attempt at going NC) "You'll only stick around for a while?" "You can take 5 days to think it over, but it's already over for me." "It'll comfort me if you visit, but I'll be depressed again when you leave." "You're not my boyfriend anymore, so no, don't visit. It was only comforting when we were still in a relationship." It seems like she's trying to hide something, and I want to know what it is. **** my life. Edited December 2, 2009 by JaggedRoad
mickleb Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 You'll never completely figure her out. You may never figure yourself out. Life isn't that simple. The odds on you solving the latter puzzle are much higher, though JR, so why not give that a go? (Well done re. the closure you've already achieved, btw.) x
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 I'm in the process of figuring myself out, but that also involves evaluating my last 3 years with her. Whenever I think of her, I see memories of us being together and doing cute things. What I love and miss most about our relationship was the innocence. I want it all back, but I know that's not possible anymore. *bangs head against desk*
mickleb Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 You should try figuring out how much your head hurts when you bang it against a desk before you think about anything else. Then figure out if you want to make your head hurt. If you don't, figure out how you can stop hurting it. If you're going to evaluate the relationship, figure out why you respond(ed) to her in the way that you did. Trying to work out what is going/went on in someone else head is futile. Clue: futility hurts heads. x
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 So you are still in contact with her? I am back in touch with my ex after NC as well. For me what works is: CUT OUT emotion when you speak to them. If you still have a lot of jumbled up emotions either you aren't ready to still be in contact or you need to talk to her and have her tell you how it is. If she wont do this, then if you want to stay in touch, you have to tell yourself certain things over and over, regardless of whether what she says contradicts it. Tell yourself: Its over. They have no feelings for me. We are only friends. Don't let yourself get carried away/swept away with false hopes. If you are doing this, its probably best you stop speaking for a long time. Also sometimes the ex is really screwed up with what they are thinking/feeling the same as we are, or sometimes they are playing with us. My ex is as times the same but I repeat that mantra and it keeps me rooted in the REALITY which is...we are NOT together and as far as I know (and you too) we never will be again.
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) During the relationship (before quarter-life crisis): Lack of experience in relationships Limited experience with people Conflicting ideals and beliefs (sometimes) Youth and immaturity (sometimes) In the past year: Loss of perspective and self Reckless actions Withdrew from others Nihilism Escapism Growing up and maturing After the break-up: Complete loss of control and identity Anger, confusion, and resentment Nikki: I re-initiated contact with her a few weeks ago, but I only talk to her on weekends. She's preoccupied with her uni friends, so it's hard to really have a decent conversation with her. Most of the conversation consists of having her read something that I wrote beforehand because it's nearly impossible to talk to her without getting my words and emotions all tangled up. Edited December 2, 2009 by JaggedRoad
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 So initially did you stop the contact with her or did she? Personally I would only communicate with an ex that reached out to me first. I would not be the one to reach out. Though this can depend on how the relationship ended.
mickleb Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 During the relationship (before quarter-life crisis): Lack of experience in relationships Limited experience with people Conflicting ideals and beliefs (sometimes) Youth and immaturity (sometimes) In the past year: Loss of perspective and self Reckless actions Withdrew from others Nihilism Escapism Growing up and maturing After the break-up: Complete loss of control and identity Anger, confusion, and resentment ....why? x
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 So initially did you stop the contact with her or did she? Personally I would only communicate with an ex that reached out to me first. I would not be the one to reach out. Though this can depend on how the relationship ended. I stopped the contact when she continued to mock me. I reached out and tried to see if there was any chance of a reconciliation. mick: I'll respond to that with a long well-thought-out answer.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I stopped the contact when she continued to mock me. I reached out and tried to see if there was any chance of a reconciliation. mick: I'll respond to that with a long well-thought-out answer. I have to ask; why do you want contact from someone who mocked you? Also it is not for you to reach out for reconciliation unless you did something awful i.e. cheat, beat her up, have an alcohol problem etc where you would need to make amends. If she just left you for her own reasons, it must be her that has the interest or will to return to you, and then the guts to reconcile. If the dumped person tries to reconcile I think the dumpee sees them as more of a nuisance who can't accept their decision. Have you spoken about reconciliation and what were her responses?
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I have an addiction to video games, and I spent a lot of money this year on things I shouldn't have. Yes, I have spoken to her and asked for reconciliation, but she does not want to reconcile because of the distance. She also mentioned that she feels insecure because I've been losing control of my life. There's also her lack of desire to be in a relationship. Do I have grounds to say that there is a bit of inconsistency with her answers?
Kaya Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Hey Jagged, I agree with mickleb: Trying to work out what is going/went on in someone else head is futile. Even if her answers are inconsistent, it doesn't change the reality of the situation. I think you just should let it be for awhile. Go back to thinking about, and taking care of yourself.
silic0ntoad Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I agree with all of the above posts, Jagged. You need to think of yourself. Everyone wants to be seen as a martyr when it comes to love. But really, love honors neither martyrs or heroes. So do what you need for you, and try to put your best foot forward in moving on. My ex did the same ****. I can remember it clear as day. "We need to take a break" Two days later "Of course I want to see you" then "I need time to myself" to "Yes you're still my BF." In the end you have to watch out for you. You can't answer the questions that arise from the things they do. And even if you got straight answers from her, it would lead to more questions.
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