maryanalisa Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 This is my story. I have lived with my boyfriend for the past 3 months, dated for 6 months. We have a roomate who is few years younger than us, she is my coworker/friend. First, I love my boyfriend, I truly had grown to trust him- I have a 2yo son, my boyfriend has done so much for us. Well one night my bf, roomate, roomates guyfriend, and I played a game & shared a few drinks. Towards the end of our game our roomate spilt a drink on her pants. We laughed, thought it was funny. She got up to go change. When she returned, stood in front of her chair and adjusted herself. I looked over at my boyfriend, I watched his eyes slowly go from bottom to top on her. Then I just got straight up put my jacket on and left to go smoke outside. My boyfriend followed me, asking me, "whats wrong?" I told him I didnt want to talk and to leave me alone. He just kept pestering me. I got the guts to say it and I told him "I watched you look at her." He just flipped and kept saying, "I did not look at her in that way." I just felt like he was denying that he did anything. I left to go inside and he followed me he was getting very upset that I would not talk to him. After we got inside I just stood in the kitchen, real close to where we were playing our game and our roommate and her friend were still sitting there. He got upset that I would not look at him that he yelled, "I did not look at her that way." I felt humiliated that he said that in front of them. He did then look at our roommate and asked her to call it a night and just leave. I just continued to be upset and wanted to be left alone. The whole night he kept pestering me and telling me that I needed to talk to him. The next day he had told me that he talked to his mother and told her I was upset with him beacuse he had looked at another women. His mother was just ashamed. After he told me that he talked to his mother than I agreed to talk, I felt he was coming to recognize and apologize, so I agreed to talk to him. While we were talking he just continued to deny any wrong doing, that 'he did not look at her in that way.' I just told him that I feel more upset and that I am not ready to talk beacuse he does not want to apologize. I left to go for a walk because I wanted to clear my mind and give us both space. He was upset that I didn't want to talk to him. After I left he brought it to our roommates attention that I was still upset. Basically she had talked to her aunt about the whole situation and her aunt told her that I am just an insecure b*&^%$ and that my boyfriend needs to break up with me. I then asked what his response was to all this and he said he just shook his head in agreement. After I got home and he told me their conversation, he then started to say, "I think maybe they are right you are just being insecure." I just felt more upset. Now for damage repair with our roommate, I don't know where this lies- with me or him? My boyfriend has apologized and realize everything.
New Again Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Sounds like you created an awful lot of drama. You owe the roommate an apology. Although if I were her I wouldn't feel comfortable living with you two anymore and would be getting out of there ASAP, and hoping I didn't run into you at work.
sxyNYCcpl Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Seriously, your roomie adjusted yourself in front of the both of you, and he's in trouble for noticing? Girl, the only real problem you'd have is if your boyfriend DIDN'T notice something like that.
imagine Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 The trick, girl is to turn his head while looking. "Darling watch my hot spots, not hers". Punchlines like these should be spontaneous. Remember it for next time. Responses like those that you gave are controlling. You need your boyfriend to respond to your thought processes without damaging your relationship.
JustLooking123 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 To answer your question, yes, you are jealous and insecure. I would have looked at her too, and I'm a heterosexual female! Have you ever seen an attractive woman walk down the street wearing something revealing, then noticed how many guys in the vicinity were staring at her? It's harmless. Relax. I probably would dump you too after you made such a huge deal out of nothing.
angie2443 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I just noticed that this was posted twice. Anyways, many of the posters here seem to be focusing on the fact that your boyfriend looked. I think you have other problems here that need to be focused on. This isn't some girl that you both saw walking down the street. This is a woman that he is living with. This complicates the situation.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 (edited) Frankly, if my GF overreacted like that to something so completely trivial, I'd be pissed off too. First of all, he didn't deny looking at her. He denied looking at her in "that way". If it takes something so insignificant to make you think he's a liar, then there's a bigger problem in your relationship than just who he looks at. You don't trust him. Secondly, stop and think about something for a second. When he's away from the home, going about his daily life and you're not around, women cross his path many times. And I'll bet he looks at LOTS of them. Thirdly... Who cares if he DID look at her in "that way"? What does that even mean, anyway -- he looked at her while thinking "hmm, she's a nice looking girl"? I'll bet you anything he's looked at LOTS of women in "that way". There's a HUGE difference between looking at someone in "that way" and acting on it. What did you expect, that he'd gone blind since he entered a relationship with you? So he enjoys the sight of an attractive woman. Big deal. Fair enough, he probably shouldn't have commented on it in front of everybody and embarassed you. But it sounds like he was feeling frustrated and having a lot of difficulty understanding why you were getting so pissy over something so meaningless. I might have done something like that too, out of frustration. Sure beats spending the rest of the evening trying to pretend everything's fine when you insist on remaining in a foul mood. You said at the end of your post that he apologized -- what did he apologize for? For looking at your roommate? Or for embarassing you? Hopefully the latter, if anything. Perhaps YOU need to apologize to him, and to your roommate, for blowing your stack like you did. In my humble opinion, the problem here lies mostly with you. I'm wondering if this is the first time you've displayed (or felt) irrational jealousy like that. If it's not, then I strongly suggest you work on resolving that. Because it'll get old REALLY fast, and probably ruin your relationship. Edited December 3, 2009 by reservoirdog1
JustLooking123 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I just noticed that this was posted twice. Anyways, many of the posters here seem to be focusing on the fact that your boyfriend looked. I think you have other problems here that need to be focused on. This isn't some girl that you both saw walking down the street. This is a woman that he is living with. This complicates the situation. She had just changed pants and was "adjusting herself" in front of them. Anyone would have looked - male/female, straight/gay, etc. out of reflex alone. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. If there was other (real, non-paranoid) evidence of something fishy going on, that would be one thing. But nothing from her post indicates that that's the case.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Yes, you are both jealous and insecure, and you owe your boyfriend an apology for your gross over-reaction. I would've looked too, and I'm a chick.
D-Lish Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Yes, I think you have some insecurity issues, the jealousy is a consequence of your insecurity. I think you need to do some damage control here if you want to save face with your roomie and keep your bf.
angie2443 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 She had just changed pants and was "adjusting herself" in front of them. Anyone would have looked - male/female, straight/gay, etc. out of reflex alone. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. If there was other (real, non-paranoid) evidence of something fishy going on, that would be one thing. But nothing from her post indicates that that's the case. You didn't read my post very well, did you? I said that most people are focusing on the fact that he looked. If you read the first post, there seem to be other things going on. For example, they all live together ( if I'm understanding the situation correctly). Unless people are in open relationships, this usually leads to trouble in the long term.
JustLooking123 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 You didn't read my post very well, did you? I said that most people are focusing on the fact that he looked. If you read the first post, there seem to be other things going on. For example, they all live together ( if I'm understanding the situation correctly). Unless people are in open relationships, this usually leads to trouble in the long term. Nope, I read it thoroughly. Nothing from the OP indicates that there is anything fishy going on other than this once incident. Just because they all live together doesn't mean there's "other things going on." I'm not sure what gave you that idea.
angie2443 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Nope, I read it thoroughly. Nothing from the OP indicates that there is anything fishy going on other than this once incident. Just because they all live together doesn't mean there's "other things going on." I'm not sure what gave you that idea. I was talking about my post, not the OP's. Anyways, she seems to have left the building.
scatterd Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) I understand how it hurts you if hes going to look he should not make it so noticable around you and if he made a mistake and it hurt I think he should say he is sorry and let you know how beautiful you are.If something hurts someone whats wrong with making them feel better.The worst thing is it was said in front of the others that should have been left between you both its called respect.tell your friends your sorry that you was hurt but not by anything they did.Im sure they would understand.Alot of people are insecure so whats wrong with helping them feel more secure.Sorry for your hurt tell him next time have some respect and keep it between you both.Good luck! Edited December 7, 2009 by scatterd
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