Finally NC.. when she needs time to 'think' after so long she doesn't want you..

[kickintheaz]

well, I rambled on here in a few threads a few weeks ago, - 6 months after breaking up and being 'her friend' for most of that time (on her terms) i finally poured out what I wanted with her (I'm, a reformed commitment phobe!), since then (5th oct) theres been NC/LC, tears, tantrums, 'dates', a kiss(!) and lots of txting and phone calls. The last we saw of each other was 4 weeks ago, she said she needed time to think, to sort out the negatives that were holding her back, we didn't agree a timeframe but she put one in her head. (that was day we kissed) Drove me nuts for 4 weeks, some very limited contact had, finally asked her outright the other night if she was any closer to an answer.. nope she ain't, she thought she'd be in january next year. So me, despite telling her I was gonna move on, didn't, I hoped the phone would ring, I hoped she'd find she felt the same and I'd hear that.

She has been torn between going with it and not for weeks, but i called her on it 2 days ago. Told her I can't keep living in hope, I'll miss her but goodbye (oh, she'll miss me too btw)..

Last nigth I get a txt saying how sorry she was, so I replied with the only emotion I had at that time, anger.. and was spiteful and accusatory, em, that didn't go down too well, suffice to say, so 7 apology txts later I kinda copped on, had a cry and a moan and left it.

Now I know, for absolute definite, that NC is the way to go, not to win her back, as really I am not able to go back to where I have been these last 8 weeks. For me to heal.

 

I guess I read the situation that by holding on for 2 months in her head, I might be fixed and I wouldn't bother anymore.. She clearly never wanted to consider getting back with me if she was gonna give it another 2 months (we broke up in march and were 'friends' from april).. she would've known by now.

 

I feel stupid, angry, lost, afraid, hurt, embarrassed, sad, empty... I feel like we just broke up today, instead of 8 months ago. It'd be our 4 yr anniversary in 2 weeks.. one less celebration in my life.

 

I know posters here were very good and told me to cop on 8 weeks ago and since then aswell. Thks for that. I should've listened! But I will now, its all about my healing.

 

I just wanted to share that even after so long after a break up, putting oneself out there with an ex is a serious risk and can lead you right back to where you were on day 1 of the breakup. and the pain isn't any different. Thats when it goes wrong! (I am sure there are happy stories over on 'second chances' forum - I daren't look though!)

 

Don't do 'friends' don't do LC (except in obvious circumstances), don't plead and beg, If I'd kept up the NC I started in march I could be in a very different world right now.

 

But hey, the past is for learning from not living in.

 

Time to move on, its not Day 1 of NC for me, its Day 1 of the rest of my life... I know what i want now, so I know in time I will get it...

 

There's no ex in my life, just future gf's I've not met!!

[Kantor]

I'm sorry that it happened to you this way, but it sounds like its the way it needs to be.

 

I do am in a very similar situation, not ready to give up on that "Hope."

 

I am too probably setting myself up for future pain, but after loving someone for so long, it's not that easy to give up, is it?

[kickintheaz]

I'm sorry that it happened to you this way, but it sounds like its the way it needs to be.

 

I do am in a very similar situation, not ready to give up on that "Hope."

 

I am too probably setting myself up for future pain, but after loving someone for so long, it's not that easy to give up, is it?

 

no Kantor its not, hope is the enemy of us methinks..

 

I guess I have to be philosophical about it, I tried , I laid myself bare for her, I broke every 'rule', I did many many irrational and rational things, and none of em worked.. Friends say it may happen down the road if its 'meant to be', but if I end up on that road, then I want to be in a place where the choice is mine... I've loved and respected me for much longer than I've loved her and so I need to put as much energy into me as I did the last while in her.. or to look at it another way, she has been in self preservation mode, so I need to learn from her and apply that to myself.

 

I can understand if you are setting yourself up for a fall, just remember, once you do, there is a risk, but ultimately you will never wonder 'what if I didn't'.. and that my friend is the solace I can take from my experience..

 

and whilst that is somewhat contradictory to my original post, as I would not advise taking that 'risk' we are all individuals and sometimes whats good for the goose is not good for the gander, once you accept that it IS a risk, and you seem to be there Kantor, and that you feel you have nothing to lose but also knowing that you may end up ruined as I have, then you need to do what ya gotta do.

Edited December 2, 2009 by kickintheaz

[LouLou1986]

im in a similar situation, he tells me he loves me, wants to marry me one day, he doesnt want me to find anyone else, but he sed hes heads messed up and doesnt know if he wants to be with me or not

[kickintheaz]

im in a similar situation, he tells me he loves me, wants to marry me one day, he doesnt want me to find anyone else, but he sed hes heads messed up and doesnt know if he wants to be with me or not

 

thats me your talking about at the start of this year LouLou!!!!..

 

em, its not up to him if you find someone else or not, don't be his 'back up' plan whilst he figures things out.. give him space and time and go live your life, I think he needs to see what life is like without you, i made the mistake of being the back up plan, even when she was seeing someone for a brief period of time over the summer (which I only recently found out about) she'd obviously ring me, or hang out with me to get whatever 'fix' she needed and then head off with him... not nice to know ya were played like that.

 

if he doesn't figure it out and come back with his screwed on then all the declarations of love are meaningless...

[Kantor]

no Kantor its not, hope is the enemy of us methinks..

 

I guess I have to be philosophical about it, I tried , I laid myself bare for her, I broke every 'rule', I did many many irrational and rational things, and none of em worked.. Friends say it may happen down the road if its 'meant to be', but if I end up on that road, then I want to be in a place where the choice is mine... I've loved and respected me for much longer than I've loved her and so I need to put as much energy into me as I did the last while in her.. or to look at it another way, she has been in self preservation mode, so I need to learn from her and apply that to myself.

 

I can understand if you are setting yourself up for a fall, just remember, once you do, there is a risk, but ultimately you will never wonder 'what if I didn't'.. and that my friend is the solace I can take from my experience..

 

and whilst that is somewhat contradictory to my original post, as I would not advise taking that 'risk' we are all individuals and sometimes whats good for the goose is not good for the gander, once you accept that it IS a risk, and you seem to be there Kantor, and that you feel you have nothing to lose but also knowing that you may end up ruined as I have, then you need to do what ya gotta do.

 

You have said many good things here.

For me, and her, the wounds are still very fresh and there needs to be healing on both sides. I know for now the best for both of us is a period of NC.

She fell in love with me because I followed my heart, so at some point I know I'll rebreak the NC one more time. I know it needs to go for weeks, maybe months, but like you said... I don't want to be wondering what if for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks.

[kickintheaz]

well Kantor, well said.. but I wish you the very best of luck with it... may you be a 'good story' on the second chances forum some time.. to help inspire those of us who still hope (cos I know I will, for quite a while...am only human after all)

[stace79]

you know i'm in the same boat as you now. we'll get through all this mess together. maybe one day i will come over the pond and you & me can share a guiness lol