leap83 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Last time I'm starting a new thread on the coping forum. I'll be around to comfort others but I'm not going to post anymore. I just need to post one more pathetic thread and let it all out. It all started with checking my voice mail on my cell. Somehow, my cell phone erased ALL of the messages I have saved up to this day (including my exes). I never listened to these messages - I just had them in my phone since I didn't have time or strength to go through them. Today I gathered up the strength to do just that but before I could even press "7" (erase), I realized that my phone miraculously did that for me. At first, I didn't know what to think. Could this be it - never going to hear his voice again? Yes. That's it. So I took the punch. Then I opened up my e-mails so I would respond to app. 30 e-mails piling up in my Inbox. Yet when I opened it, instead of being in the Inbox, it opened up "Personal" folder where I stashed all of the e-mails we've sent back and forth. I looked at the screen, then turned around, then looked at it again. The dates.... of some of those e-mails reminded me of things that were coming. He sent one e-mail the day before everything crashed and burned. I looked at my response to his e-mail and realized that I was so clueless (or I made it seem like that because I wasn't). Then the same e-mail also pointed to another obvious sign. Then there was another one where all hell broke loose (not in the e-mail but that day). So I went through all of the e-mails (yeah, I had the strength to do it). Wow... I was so immature. So stupid. Some of my responses are so dumb. Some of his e-mails were so simple, some were one sentence, others long.... but ALL of them yell "I'm in ****ters". If I just opened up my eyes a bit more during the time we were together, I would have seen he was going through ****ters (because right now it's so obvious). Then I cried. I cried because I wish I followed my gut on our second date. I wish I didn't wear my heart on the sleeve. I wish I opened up my eyes a bit more. I wish I wasn't so childish back then and knew everything that I know now. I regret many things I have done and said to him. What was I thinking?! I cried not because of the pain or the break-up but because I realized ALL of my mistakes. I fully understand why this was a 50-50 screw up now. Now I wish I could take everything back. But I can't. He mentioned being "friends" (in a way to stay close not buddies) and I thought he meant "friends." Like real friends - the ones where you hang out and talk about your bfs/gfs. Was I even listening to what the hell he was saying?! NO. That's the truth. And there is no running from it. I want to swear so much right now but I'm refraining from doing so. I guess realizing ALL of your mistakes is not a pleasant experience. Hell.... If I were him, I wouldn't want to be with me either (not that he thinks that but I would show myself the door and close it shut, lock it and throw away the key). On the plus side, I'm not that person anymore. I have grown so much in the past couple of months and have paved a path to what kind of a person I want to be and hope to be some day when I'm done. That's why we can't be friends. He liked me then, when I was immature and a total dumbass. Now I'm different. And tears just keep coming - not because he's out of my life, or we broke up, or I miss him.... but because what he said to me once could be potentially so true - "If we met a couple of months later, or even next year, this whole thing probably would have different. We would be at different stages in life. And that would have helped us." Things happen for a reason. Right? Right? I really want a GOOD reason for meeting him THEN instead of NOW or next year. I already know the answer to the question: if I didn't meet him then, then I wouldn't have changed and grown up as much as I did in the past couple of months. Great! It makes me feel so much better. I'm done.
New Again Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I don't know your story leap, but I like this post. All of our relationships should teach us something about ourselves and help us grow. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think it's great that you've realized all this.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Your message holds a lot of painful truths. Its 'easier' when they mess up and you can play the martyr and feel hard done by but if you know that you were far from perfect, there is so much guilt and remorse and regret and pain. However, I believe if someone loves you, they will STILL want to be with you, especially if you've grown. Do you see what I mean? If the love/will is still there, they would give you ANOTHER chance or at least try. You are so right about WHY did we have to meet someone so great NOW only to f- it up. Maybe its the fact that life isn't fair. Maybe somewhere down the line, it WILL mean something. I think its better to learn these things sooner rather than later. Sometimes I don't think there is really a meaning in pain all of the time, or at least if there is, it doesn't necessarily apply to them. I mean essentially life is a journey we undertake alone. Yes we improve for our friends and family and partners, but I guess the key person we must improve for is ourselves. Don't beat yourself up for what you did in the past. There is a reason you acted that way at the time and in the moment it was honest.
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