onefiveone Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Hi. New to the all of this here, but I found it looking for some Google advice (which I guess is what I've been reduced to). This probably isn't going to be the first time a message like this has been posted, but I would certainly welcome any and all opinions and advice. I met someone over the internet and she lives a a ways away. Not extremely far, but far enough where it would require a hour and a half flight or so. The way we met, neither of us ever intended to meet or carry anything into real life. It just kind of developed into that. We even got to the point where we agreed to be exclusive and meet face-to-face. We were "together" for a year. Everything was great except for the last month or so when we began arguing a bit more. She broke up with me. She claimed that we just weren't working. At first, I tried to talk her out of it. Of course, she was set in her decision, so I backed off. I didn't initiate contact with her for about a month. During that time, she'd send me email messages asking how I was doing and I would reply with short, perfectly platonic responses. I rarely contacted her over the following month and a half. I went out an a few dates (nothing special)...and I have to admit that she was all I thought about even though I didn't contact her. One day, she sends another email to ask me if I'm "really doing OK". So, I decided to tell her exactly how I was feeling, that I missed her terribly and that I had to force myself to keep from picking up the phone, texting her or emailing her. She asked me why I prevented myself from doing that if that's what I wanted. She said she missed me, too, and that we couldn't see each other for a year w/o missing what we had. I then kind of went back into no contact mode until she contacted me and chose to talk over the internet. I made a decision to allow that. The conversation was great (for both of us - she said so, too)...but it just made me fall that much harder for her. I was bound and determined to get her back. She had told me once before that there was something she never told me...something extremely personal and a very big deal. We were talking a few nights ago and she finally told me what it was, how she felt guilty about keeping it away from me and (with the nature of the internet) was never really sure how to tell me or never expected us to get to a point where it would come into play. In other words, she let me in to her life re: something that was EXTREMELY personal and private to her. I accepted it and understood why she didn't tell me. She says she felt like she broke my trust and there would be trust issues because she never came out and told me directly about this thing. I am perfectly OK with it and have tried to tell her that there's nothing to forgive...but she still feels guilty. She also says she's not in a place in her life where she wants a relationship right now. She's starting a new job. She doesn't want the pressure of me expecting to meet her and start a life with her. Obviously, I want what we had back...but I can understand why she feels stressed out with the new job and all of that. I just know that the "no contact" almost killed me...and I honestly believe she really does love me, but something is holding her back. I mean, she let me in on this secret...finally told me about it, and it took a serious level of commitment to do that. She has said she cares about me deeply and misses me when we're not together. I don't want to be a burden on her during this time. She wants to remain friends...maybe a little higher level than just friends...but no promises, no commitments. I have told her that I'm willing to do that, just take it easy, relax with her, have fun and "start fresh" without any of those pressures...but I also told her that I expect her to be honest with herself and follow her feelings. She knows full well how I feel about her and she's always saying she feels like she's "holding me back", which I personally think is a BS excuse for something else. I know she's been hurt bad in the past and she may have serious trust issues...but how can I convince her that she can trust me? Should I continue to fight for what I want if I know I truly love her? By just remaining available to talk to without any pressure...where I can slowly just kind of "woo" her back over time...is that a good move? Thanks for any advice in advance. I know it's a long post and I am fully aware it's a strange situation being over the internet and all. I never expected it to happen, never thought it would happen and neither did she, but sometimes the heart finds what it wants no matter what level of communication was used to get to that point.
Author onefiveone Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) No. It's not cheating. I'm won't go into details of what it was...but it didn't involve any indiscretion on her part towards me, other than the fact that she never told me. Then again, I never asked...and when she did tell me what it was and why she couldn't tell me, I understood exactly why she couldn't. I know I'm being a little vague here, but all I can say is that it was a really big deal. A very important thing that definitely needed to be brought out into the open...and when she did, I was really happy she let me into her life that much. No, she had never wronged me in any way whatsoever...no cheating or anything like that. That's my line in the sand: I'm a pretty forgiving, lenient guy...but cheating is a no-go. I've had it happen before and the relationship was ended the day I found out. *Edit: I also feel the need to add that we're both very friendly with each other. There was no malice in the break-up at all. We had a few typical arguments and at the end, it was a little dicey, but nothing out of the ordinary that couldn't be talked through. Neither of us ever did anything that would give the other person a reason to harbor some ill will. I personally think that our relationship was getting real...and this secret she had would have to be dealt with. She felt trapped, wanted to tell me, hated that she hadn't told me from the beginning...and when it was about to be real for both of us (i.e. meeting), she had to either tell me and explain why she didn't and hope I wouldn't blame her for it (which I wouldn't have) or try to get out of the relationship. She chose the latter. Of course, this is all speculation. Edited December 2, 2009 by onefiveone Additional comments...
sean1970 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I don't want to be a burden on her during this time. She wants to remain friends...maybe a little higher level than just friends...but no promises, no commitments. I have told her that I'm willing to do that, just take it easy, relax with her, have fun and "start fresh" without any of those pressures... I just dont believe there is never any pressure. There may not be any for her when you are 'friends' but there are always pressures on the one that wants them back. We are never comfortable being just friends.
Author onefiveone Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Well, yeah...I agree. I mean, obviously, there has to be a resolution at some point. I know what I want...and she knows what I want, too. When I say "no pressure", it's just that I meant I'm not going to be laying out any time frames on when we have to meet or asking her to marry me tomorrow. It can't go on forever without any mutual decisions being made...but right now, for the time being...say a couple of months...I'm not going to expect her to carry all of it any further.
sean1970 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Read this if you have not already... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/
Author onefiveone Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Thanks for the link. I had actually already read that before I made my post. I've been through this before...and have gone through both situations: remaining friends and just completely ending the relationship. I'm very good friends with an ex of mine to this day and I still had feelings for her when we ended our romantic relationship. She wanted to remain friends and since there was no ill will for either of us, we did that. The difference between that situation and this one is that in the span of a couple week's time, I realized my feelings for her (romantically) had subsided...and the friendship continues to be a strong one to this day. My point is that in some cases, friendship isn't possible when there are still emotions involved. That's not true for all cases, though. I know people that are married now that split up several times before, remained in contact on some level and got back together. Each situation is different because the factors of each relationship are different. I don't believe it's as simple as saying "this is the way it is for all people" because people are different and feelings vary from one relationship to the next. If you want to get over someone and you don't consider them to be so valuable in your life on some level that you're willing to lose a friendship, then not remaining friends is a good way to get over them. However, if you've taken some time for yourself after a break-up (and I mean that you've done some serious soul searching and are a reasonably mature, responsible honest person) and have come to the conclusion that you are going to follow what your heart really tells you that you need and there is some viable emotion still left for your partner (i.e. he/she is not dating anyone else, they make sincere effort to remain in touch, they tell you that there are still emotions on their part), then remaining "friends" can be a viable option. If it's worth it enough for a person to remain in contact and just have fun and try to get back to what was so fun and enjoyable between the two of you when you first started dating, then I personally believe that can work. Some may disagree, of course...and that's cool. I guess I answered my own question. I do understand the words in the linked page...and I think there's some truth to it. I just don't know if there's such a thing as a one-size-fits-all fix.
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