allhopelost Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 For those of you who do not know my story, my WW was involved with a coworker for 10-12 weeks, regularly meeting him once or twice a week for attention/sex, all but one time in my vehicle parked along the road in a local park, the other time in a cheap motel. This was after me giving her almost 20 years of my life to her as her husband, and over 23 years of my life to her as my lover and her giving me three children. I guess what hurts me the most right now (besides the betrayal, lies, etc) is feeling like she has experienced so much more sexually than I ever will. She had one previous lover before we were married, and now has had a third, and the third one was easily twice the "size" of me. I have only ever been with her. Now I feel that her selfishness and need for self gratification have put me in a spot that I cannot seem to get past. I find myself thinking what it would be like to be with another woman, to feel what it is that my wife must have felt was so powerful and erotic that you just lose control of yourself and take leave of your senses. The one debilitating fear I have is rejection/humiliation, of which my wife has provided me plenty of these last two months. How can I be a powerful, controlling, dominant lover to her (which she admitted she likes) knowing I have been emasculated? I liken it to trying to kill an elephant with a pencil. These feeling are dominating my thoughts and I have become irrational in my thinking. Don't get me wrong, I want to recover from this horrible affair and get back to some sense of normalcy, and I do love my wife. I just want all this craziness to stop!
Spark1111 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Allhopelost....I get this, I really do! I, too, remain jealous, momentarily, over all that hot steamy adolescent sex. Haven't had that for many, many years. I often think, and I guess it is part of feeling sorry for myself, why was I so faithful and true all those years???? Where did it get me? But then I try, really try to put myself in that position with someone I barely know who "sparks" an attraction in me, and now we are kissing like teenagers. And I can't, just can't envision it at all. It is not who I am. But this part of the recovery hurdle is normal. If you love her, and you seem to, hang in there. The harder question is for her to figure out her own adolescent behaviors, and in time, if she is truly remorseful, she will be very, very ashamed of her actions.
schewter Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Buddy...take pride in the fact that you are a loyal-to-one individual...no easy feat these days. As for the sex thing...my old man once told me that "sex is the most over exaggerated 5 minutes of a person's life" and he's right. Truly knowing someone and that sense of one-ness has nothing to do with sexual intimacy.
Snowflower Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 As for the sex thing...my old man once told me that "sex is the most over exaggerated 5 minutes of a person's life" and he's right. Truly knowing someone and that sense of one-ness has nothing to do with sexual intimacy. schewter, I like what you wrote here and I agree with this. IMO, too much emphasis is placed on sex...in affairs, in the media, you name it. Sex is sex and it doesn't necessarily mean intimacy. I know not everyone agrees with this but in some ways sex is not that big of a deal.
imagine Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Here is some comments that I have heard. Women are tempted by the confident manner of the owners of Big D's. These are short lived. Most women prefer to be cherished than hammered. Do not be confused - they do like hammering but meeting their needs is more important. You mentioned that this was an interracial affair. I testify that many of the black ladies that work with me have preferred to be with a European. Why? Because our culture is more stable in this area. (Cape Town) On Oprah, Dr M said that all penises were more that sufficient for a woman. Your wife stretched hers and that is her fault. Chinese ladies would have to stretch for a white man hence they prefer there own kind. I endorse that good sex is the culmination of a healthy married life (this includes communication technique). Don't make it your fault.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 For those of you who do not know my story, my WW was involved with a coworker for 10-12 weeks, regularly meeting him once or twice a week for attention/sex, all but one time in my vehicle parked along the road in a local park, the other time in a cheap motel. This was after me giving her almost 20 years of my life to her as her husband, and over 23 years of my life to her as my lover and her giving me three children. I guess what hurts me the most right now (besides the betrayal, lies, etc) is feeling like she has experienced so much more sexually than I ever will. She had one previous lover before we were married, and now has had a third, and the third one was easily twice the "size" of me. I have only ever been with her. Now I feel that her selfishness and need for self gratification have put me in a spot that I cannot seem to get past. I find myself thinking what it would be like to be with another woman, to feel what it is that my wife must have felt was so powerful and erotic that you just lose control of yourself and take leave of your senses. The one debilitating fear I have is rejection/humiliation, of which my wife has provided me plenty of these last two months. How can I be a powerful, controlling, dominant lover to her (which she admitted she likes) knowing I have been emasculated? I liken it to trying to kill an elephant with a pencil. These feeling are dominating my thoughts and I have become irrational in my thinking. Don't get me wrong, I want to recover from this horrible affair and get back to some sense of normalcy, and I do love my wife. I just want all this craziness to stop! Buddy your problem boils down to confidence. 100% confidence. The deal is that your wife has stripped you of your confidence. What is she doing to help you get that back? If she isn't helping... then you need to go out and do it yourself. Even if that means getting another woman to help you! I'm sorry that sounds bad... but as a guy, you can't live or function without confidence. You need it like air. Go get it!
Church Bells Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 allhopelost, PLEASE be honest with yourself. I've posted to you before, and I understand what you are experiencing due to your rural locale. Not everyone will understand, but your "confidence" is being affected by the cultural humiliation of knowing your WW had an interracial A, and this may very well be a situation that CAN NOT be overcome in your present location. Personally, an interracial A would be an immediate deal breaker for me, just like a pregnancy by OM, multiple A's, or a very long term affair with expressions of "love" for each other. It's been nearly impossible to recover from my FWW's drunken ONS, WITHOUT any of the above complicating factors, and we had a VERY good M pre-A, so I see little long term future for those facing much worse situations. IMHO, it may very well take the step of filing for D to reclaim your confidence and SELF-RESPECT. Please consider that this has less to do with your confidence than it does the actual circumstances of your specific situation.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Personally, an interracial A would be an immediate deal breaker for me, just like a pregnancy by OM, multiple A's, or a very long term affair with expressions of "love" for each other. It's been nearly impossible to recover from my FWW's drunken ONS, WITHOUT any of the above complicating factors, and we had a VERY good M pre-A, so I see little long term future for those facing much worse situations. More than likely, before your wife had her ONS, you thought that you'd leave her if she had sex with another man. The deal-breakers get re-written after an affair. For me, I KNEW I would leave my WW if she had sex with another man. Well, she had a six month affair and I am still here. Often, I hear of people being betrayed for many years and stay married. I say to myself.....I would never put up with that. But now, I know that may not be true. If I can stay after a six month affair, when I was certain I would have left after a single ONS......how can I know what I would do if her affair was interracial or longer term. My WW F'ed a married man, 15 years older, in a car in the park, every week, for 3 months. Hmmm......if it were once would it be a lot better.....if if went on for a year would it be worse? Probably somewhat.....but it all sucks. Furthermore, if she were f'ing a white wall street broker in the city, versus an interacial affair in the country.....sure, I'd be SO much happier about that.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Is it worse to have a wife that fux around 1000 times, with 300 different partners, versus one who does it once with one partner? Probably, insofar as it's an indicator of her future behavior. My post says "Probably somewhat.....but it all sucks". However, the original poster is talking about 1 affair partner, Church bells was referring to 1 affair partner, and I am talking about 1 affair partner. I am trying to point out to church bells that he doesn't know what would be a deal breaker. He hasn't experienced it. He experienced a ONS. To me, it reeks a little of ..... 'your a chump for dealing with that, I sure wouldn't'. But, Church doesn't know. It's almost like saying "your lucky you don't have kids". "if I didn't have kids, I would have divorced". That too gets under my skin. It makes those of us without kids think we are weak douchbags because we are staying. The fact is....if you have kids, you don't know what you would do if you didn't have kids....it's not your experience. Now, what WOULD be the dealbreakers for me? If the affair went on for a longer time? If she got pregnant? If I got a STD? I may THINK these would be the deal breakers, but I really don't know. I know this because I was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I would leave her if she ever had sex ONCE with someone. I was sure of this. But she did.....and I didn't leave.
LakesideDream Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Allhopelost..... your screen name pretty much says it all doesen't it? I was in your position. I decided that I didn't want to someones second choice. Didn't want to believe that there was someplace she'd rather be. You on the other hand have decided to be the martyr, why? Why not just hand her bags to her and show her the curb. Please don't tell me it's because you cannot afford to "go it on your own". Putting money in front of sanity isn't sane.
jnj express Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 This craziness will stop when you decide to take control of yourself. If you R. your mge., you are probably on a 2 to 5 year rollercoaster. If you D. then things will go faster as you get on with your life. You can only take control of you, and what you will do. Your cheating wife is responsible for her actions, and she will continue to be responsible for her actions, you can do nothing about that. What you can do is tell her what you will do about this whole situation, and what you expect in the way of boundaries, and consequences, then she will decide what she wants. It will either be to R. the mge., and follow your dictates, or she will continue to violate her vows which will eventually drive you to D. her. No matter what you must do what is best for you. The pain, and visions, are here for who knows how long, unfortunately she has changed your life forever. Your carefree days are over and gone, replaced by grey and darkness. You and only you can decide when you will walk back out into the sunlight. You and only you will decide what needs to be done to get to that sunlight----good luck whatever you decide.
Jerseyboy. Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 For those of you who do not know my story, my WW was involved with a coworker for 10-12 weeks, regularly meeting him once or twice a week for attention/sex, all but one time in my vehicle parked along the road in a local park, the other time in a cheap motel. This was after me giving her almost 20 years of my life to her as her husband, and over 23 years of my life to her as my lover and her giving me three children. I guess what hurts me the most right now (besides the betrayal, lies, etc) is feeling like she has experienced so much more sexually than I ever will. She had one previous lover before we were married, and now has had a third, and the third one was easily twice the "size" of me. I have only ever been with her. Now I feel that her selfishness and need for self gratification have put me in a spot that I cannot seem to get past. I find myself thinking what it would be like to be with another woman, to feel what it is that my wife must have felt was so powerful and erotic that you just lose control of yourself and take leave of your senses. The one debilitating fear I have is rejection/humiliation, of which my wife has provided me plenty of these last two months. How can I be a powerful, controlling, dominant lover to her (which she admitted she likes) knowing I have been emasculated? I liken it to trying to kill an elephant with a pencil. These feeling are dominating my thoughts and I have become irrational in my thinking. Don't get me wrong, I want to recover from this horrible affair and get back to some sense of normalcy, and I do love my wife. I just want all this craziness to stop! Bro I feel for you, especially with the kids. But honestly, ge out. Dont waste your turn at life on her. You think you love her, and I think even you are bright enough to discern it isnt a sentiment she truly returns. Dont live your life in fear of the unknown, or with a person who steals from you all those things that make it worthwhile. Take the hit, get out. I promise you there is no shortage of single middleaged women in this world, most of whom presumably more deserving of what you ahve than she is. And dont let that size thing f'k with your head. As a larger guy Ive learned the following in life. It is in no way a magical relationship fixer. That is to say all the rest is way more important, and it makes no difference in the scheme of things. Smaller is more comfortable. While being smaller likely wont matter, beiong larger can be a barrier to intmacy. Promise you there are very few women who give a damn
Church Bells Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 More than likely, before your wife had her ONS, you thought that you'd leave her if she had sex with another man. The deal-breakers get re-written after an affair. For me, I KNEW I would leave my WW if she had sex with another man. Well, she had a six month affair and I am still here. Often, I hear of people being betrayed for many years and stay married. I say to myself.....I would never put up with that. But now, I know that may not be true. If I can stay after a six month affair, when I was certain I would have left after a single ONS......how can I know what I would do if her affair was interracial or longer term. You are not totally incorrect in your assessment of me and other BH's facing this most painful realization. However, like most life changing events, I like to think I've learned something about myself and can now move forward with a better understanding of how to handle (or not handle) similar situations that may arise in the future. I also have the benefit of living in a very similar area as allhopelost ... and have witnessed what his particular circumstances can do to a man. The last BH from this area facing the SAME set of circumstances ended TRAGICALLY and the BH is no longer with us. I wasn't a close friend of this BH, but we were on a first name basis and I saw what it did to him. Admittedly, this event has colored my perspective on this issue. I've seen what this "set of circumstances" can do to a man from "this" background and I have genuine concerns for allhopelost PAST the current state of his marital recovery. If he remains in his current location, I don't think this stigma will ever completely leave him. He has been dealt a SHI!TTY hand with little hope. He may not have realized it when he registered here, but his username if VERY appropriate. In short, my best advice for him ... regardless of whether he chooses to continue attempting recovery or dumps her ass today ... is for allhopelost to consider moving from his current location to another area and STARTING OVER as best he can.
Author allhopelost Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Now, what WOULD be the deal breakers for me? If the affair went on for a longer time? If she got pregnant? If I got a STD? I may THINK these would be the deal breakers, but I really don't know. I know this because I was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I would leave her if she ever had sex ONCE with someone. I was sure of this. But she did.....and I didn't leave. I had talked with a few of my closest friends over the years and the topic of deal breakers came up. I was adamant and 100% convinced and believed that any of the posted deal breakers were exactly the same as mine. I also was absolutely certain that if my spouse EVER did any of those things to our marriage I would kick her to the curb. The poignant fact is that as we age and mature (some of us) realize that the world is not black and white as we would like to perceive it. There is a hell of a lot more gray area than there is absolute clarity of thoughts and beliefs. I had what I BELIEVED was a white picket fence marriage, a story book culmination of all our early struggles with money and kids and employment. We both sacrificed our careers and opportunities for furthering education in order to provide a stable family environment for our children. We were finally getting to a point where the kids are almost grown, money isn't really an issue, we both have stable careers, house is paid for, etc.etc.. Enter the gray area. Did the stress of all the initial sacrifices by us somehow leave an emptiness in in my FWW's life that she felt I could no longer fulfill? Was she feeling like we were so close to the finish line (raising the children) that just the mere sight of it caused her to give up? Did I become to complacent and satisfied with my marriage to neglect to see that the contentment was only one sided? In a way, I suppose I am fortunate in the fact that the dynamics of my FWW's A are what they are, insomuch that there is no way she would have ever have chosen to make a life with him, or could allow herself to isolate herself from her family, friends, etc. by choosing to pursue a PUBLIC relationship with OM. That is of course if I choose to ride this rough road to recovery with her. As far as I know, there are only rumors at her employment about the two of them, and she has only confided in one person about her indiscretions. She feels like a whore for what she has done, that she is now tainted, and it really worries her that people may find out what kind of person she really is. She is having trouble facing the day, facing people that she works with, facing me, the kids, herself in the mirror. I do worry about her mental well being and we may very well take ChurchBells advice and relocate to another area where we can start over. Fortunately my profession is in high demand and I can make the move quite easily. It really p!ss's me off that we are facing uprooting and moving, and that my FWW is the ONLY reason we feel this may be necessary, but to be honest we really have no future in the Podunk county in which we currently reside. To put ChurchBells assessment of my location in perspective, the demographics of our COUNTY are: Population (44,000) White Non-Hispanic (98.2%) Two or more races (0.6%) American Indian (0.5%)
Church Bells Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 She feels like a whore for what she has done, that she is now tainted, and it really worries her that people may find out what kind of person she really is. She is having trouble facing the day, facing people that she works with, facing me, the kids, herself in the mirror. allhopelost, We really do live in a very similar area demographically ... and I do understand your delimma. Personally, for YOU ... I think a move to another area is probably mandatory, because if your WW confided in just one other person ... given the type of area you live in, you KNOW that sooner or later ... a tidbit of gossip this juicy will be revealed, which will leave you publicly humiliated (in the eyes of your PEERS) regardless of whether you attempt recovery or not. The real question then remains ... whether you take your WW with you ... and I think the answer to that question revolves around whether your see your WW as she sees herself as you described above. Do you see her now as "tainted"? There is really no need to respond to that question, as it may stir up a firestorn of misunderstanding, but YOU are the one who will have to look at yourself in the mirror and determine if YOU will ever be able to get past this one very significant FACT. As a fellow BH, you have my sympathy for being put in such a situation that was NONE of your doing, but now have to face the HARSH REAL WORLD consequences of your WW's actions. You seem like a very good MAN ... Good Luck to YOU!!!
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