melodymatters Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Does it really matter " Why"? I don't think so, and I see so many people try and analyize when all they should be doing is looking at actions. His and Yours. Maybe his mom beat him, maybe he has a faulty gene , who knows ? I spent 6 yrs with an ex who sounded very similiar, I finally stopped giving a sh*t WHY he did what he did, and decided it was unacceptable and moved on. You get your closure on your OWN, when you are far enough away from the situation as to see how unhealthy it was. When you sit back and say " Thank GOD, I'm not with him anymore".
Author condogal Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Ya Melody, oh my gosh...your good!...lol...so when you didn't care to think and carried on happily and healthy what happened to your creep?
melodymatters Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 LOL, he got married....and it lasted all of six months ! He is now completely alone and miserable. He tried to pull me back into his web a few times, but nuh uh ! Getting over such a long relationship WILL be hard and will be painfully sucky for a while, but in 6 months or so, you will see the sunlight again. If you stay with him, you never will feel peaceful, and happy and loved, so you do the math. Life is hard girlfriend ! I was married for just 8 months when my new, wonderfully sweet husband died in an accident so I have to start my life over in a way yet AGAIN. Let yourself grieve, but don't over analyize. Pretend you are your sister, or daughter or best friend, and ask if his actions would be Ok towards them ? If you wouldn't approve for THEM, you can't really accept it for YOU can you ? Good luck hon !
Author condogal Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Ohhhhhh Melody...my deepest sympathy for your loss...that's an even greater loss than any stupid relationship here. I will take your strength and use it on myself on this not so difficult road...Thankyou for sharing your story, it really means soooo much! hugs sweety..xo
Author condogal Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 hi, i know most of your replies are for getting over it, and that's fine but as ironic it may seem to you all...I want a perspective as to how could all of this been done, like from the dumper...have you ever gone so hard in being ruthless somewhat like this out of a week or two of anger then in time suddenly feel like **** for hurting me so badly??...does this ever dawn upon the dumper eventually...and this was a living together 6 year thing just to remind you all....and please i don't want replies on don't think about what he's thinking and that stuff...i have to search for these answers in order to heal and move on...it's just my way, thanks so much...
delilah99 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Yes, it's called CONTROLLING, NARCISSISTIC, MANIPULATION. And he does it because he is damaged as a person and does not know how to be anything but selfish and controlling and abusive. YOU cannot fix him. Maybe a therapist can, if he were to ever admit that he is damaged and really wants to work hard to be a better person. But he never will, because narcissists believe the world revolves around them and everyone should feed their ego and do everything to give them what they want. Even the desperation is a ploy to get what he wants. If that doesn't work, he goes back to anger and punishing you, and then back to desperation until he wears you down and gets what he wants. It has nothing to do with you. You were merely in his orbit and got sucked in. If you truly dump him, you will be replaced by another whom he will try to mold into his ideal to do his bidding and, if she is susceptible, she will try to twist herself into a pretzel to please him until she realizes it isn't possible. Maybe mommy treated him like he farted rainbows and sunshine and he grew up believing every woman should treat him that way. Who knows? It's not your problem to figure him out or heal him, nor can you. This deserves an award.
delilah99 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 hi, i know most of your replies are for getting over it, and that's fine but as ironic it may seem to you all...I want a perspective as to how could all of this been done, like from the dumper...have you ever gone so hard in being ruthless somewhat like this out of a week or two of anger then in time suddenly feel like **** for hurting me so badly??...does this ever dawn upon the dumper eventually...and this was a living together 6 year thing just to remind you all....and please i don't want replies on don't think about what he's thinking and that stuff...i have to search for these answers in order to heal and move on...it's just my way, thanks so much... Hey--I think probably it's hard to answer because it's not rational; it's disordered behavior. He doesn't know why he does it. He likely doesn't even know THAT he does it. He probably sees all this in a completely different way, distorted through his own twisted lens. So if I were a narcissistic emotional abuser, what would I be thinking? I guess I'd be thinking that you were sort of value-less, and that your mere presence annoyed me, and that it was my right to vent my frustration and contempt on you, and then after I did that and made you feel really bad, I would be kind of drained and satisfied, and then I would see that you were broken down, and then I would realize I kind of missed you because all that emotional beating made you kind of distant, and then i would feel sorry once I was out of the anger cloud. And I would worry that you might leave or something. So I'd be real nice. There you go. But it's insanity, right--not an orderly strategy. It's just a well-worn cycle that must give him and you too, to some extent, some kind of addictive energy. (says the girl who is basically in the same boat)
Author condogal Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Hi Delilah, wow you were great! i really needed to hear that!...but if you would...to answer what does it mean to him the extent of how far he's gone this time (restraining order ) ...and what coping mecanism with this breakup/hurtfulness towards me would this typical personality man be going through right now? Thanks so much i really appreciate your time, it means so much...
Boundary Problem Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 and what coping mecanism with this breakup/hurtfulness towards me would this typical personality man be going through right now? Thanks so much i really appreciate your time, it means so much... Can you summarize for us in point form the primary cycle of behaviours in your relationship? Usually there is a cycle. Then we can see if there is some sort of category/coping mechanism the appears when we take a step back.
Author condogal Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Hi, oh and Delilah...the note above does deserve an award!...amazing ey?...and also wanted to mention how exact you were about what his cycle is like and how we felt for eachother, you gave me goosebumps... As for the question about sumering up the cycle is...he says something negative to me like why i had to buy that shirt, you should be saving not spending...then other times i'de complain that he takes me no where and that i want us to have a plan and not continue to live together unmarried and i want kids as i'm 35 and his answer was always but we argue and it's difficult to see where this will go...then an argument occurs because i'm frustrated and he then tells me this isn't working then i blew drama only because he would start to abandon me like go out with his friend and staying all night...then i would begin to text nasty things about him and his friend being gay...lol...I became livid, i couldn't help it!...anyhow that's pretty much the best way i can explain it...now it's 3 weeks on my own in my condo and i really want to know is he suffering too??...even tho i am better off without him, just have to know..for this typical type of being....thanks so much!!
Boundary Problem Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Is he suffering? If he is selfish - probably not. For some people ending a relationship carries the same significance as picking up and hanging up the phone. Little thought or emotional impact. Like turning on the dishwasher and they walk away. I don't know your xbf well enough. But I can tell you that some people can be in a relationship and be completely emotionally isolated from their partner and then when they break up they simply find a new place to live. They aren't emotionally upset, because they weren't emotionally sharing in the first place.
Author condogal Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Hi, thank you for responding...i have another question...what would you think about the fact that he renovated my condo,i mean my place has him all over it, got me furniture (second hand but beautiful ) from a client he knows which i paid 500$ for but he put in the other 500$ to have disposed of me 2 weeks later and possibly invisioning me sharing the place with a possible new guy one day...does this seem easy for him to do having put so much work in the place?...well he dumped me, did the restraining order so even maybe this doesn't faze him...i'm just being curiuos... Thankyou..
Boundary Problem Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 What I don't like are the extremes in his behaviour. How does he go from renovating your place, buying furniture - to a stressed out situation where he wants a restraining order against you. He sounds emotionally unstable. Keep the furniture and forget the guy. That's my advice.
delilah99 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Hey, Um, the restraining order is pretty huge. If you weren't violent, then it's a pretty major act of contempt. I can't explain it, but being sent to jail by your ex has got to be one of the bigger deal breakers. Also makes for a nice metaphor for the relationship, if you want. As for how he's coping, I can't say. If he is really filled with contempt for you, then he may in fact not be feeling much. Probably not what you want to hear. But it sounds like your relationship was pretty intense and dramatic, and I wouldn't be surprised if there's some numbness resembling relief that there's some quiet time now. Constant crisis is exhausting for you both, and if he feels pain or will, it might have to arrive after a sort of "come down" period. I have no idea what I'm talking about, by the way. Just imagining. Sometimes, as much as I loved (love) my guy, I was relieved to be away from him because there was so much goddamn drama. It's draining. And I was overly dramatic too, and I'm sure the same went for him. it takes an incredible amount of energy to be in a crisis all the time.
Author condogal Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Yes Del, you said it exhausting...and your really helping me alot here......like i said i wasn't violent but i did go to his work to talk in a mad but not crazy way..there was a bit of a scene because he was running away from me and i wanted to lose it at that point, because of the running from me !!...cuz no reason for it i, was calm and wanting to talk, maybe a shove is what i would have prefered at the time as he was so hurtful that night before i arrived there...it really was too much for me...so i threw his stacked work sheeets on the floor and his coworkers were there...2 of them who know me and like me as a person, but sad to say i had a few drinks in me so i would blame some of my insanity on that...ughhhh when i think about it it makes me want to vomit...!where is your relationship at now if i may ask? I agree Del, a complete toxic relationship for me... as no one in my life has ever triggered me in this way... but as you say why in the past as time went by and the thoughts of happy times come to mind...why is there that addictive energy that comes to mind...it's not normal, i know...;(
Author condogal Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Would like to talk to username: Delilah if possible...
Author condogal Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 hi, just getting by the day today...very hard...need some talk...
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