condogal Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 hi, i will make this as short as possible, i was with my guy for 6 years...very on and off...i am now 35...i moved in with him and had to move twice back, once to my parents as my condo that i own was being rented...he begged me back and i gave in soon to find out i was packing up 5 months later and now my condo being free i moved back in my place, thank god!....all his choice for me to leave...now i'm really feeling lonely and can't believe i'm the one dumped...well i lost it after a few days being in here staring at this empty house, i called him up and we faught, names, the works i was in a bad state, i ended up going to his work as i work there too and i know it's empty, sort of ,where his department is...it's a hospital...well one thing led to another and he called the cops, i was put in jail all night and now have a restraining order...but then he contacted me after 2 weeks feeling terrible how far this all went...we have so much history together and why am i feeling like i still want to be back with him, what's wrong with me??!...if he regrets it in awhile or so...is it nuts to go back?...he is 33...i feel he's wasted my years as we planned our forever...now i have to start over?? with someone new...can't even bare the thought...help...thankyou...
RedDevil66 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Hi, sorry you're going though this mess. Why was the r/s on and off all the time? What were the fights about?
Author condogal Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 ...he breaks up with me easily...i think his tactic is for me to learn lessons on not bringing up things that i find wrong that he does...it's like he always wanted me to follow how he likes things...not in a sexual sense, just to let you know...like the way i should clean and that i should save alot of money and cook from scratch meals...and believe you me i became a real Martha Stewart.
Author condogal Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 ...and thankyou RedDevil...i feel like a mess now...i need some talk...;(
Author condogal Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 ...so how does this work?, i have to wait an eternity to get some advice on this site?
norajane Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 ...he breaks up with me easily...i think his tactic is for me to learn lessons on not bringing up things that i find wrong that he does...it's like he always wanted me to follow how he likes things...not in a sexual sense, just to let you know...like the way i should clean and that i should save alot of money and cook from scratch meals...and believe you me i became a real Martha Stewart. Why would you change who you are to conform to some guy's ideal Martha Stewart? As you can see, there's no pleasing a guy like that. You can twist yourself into a (homemade from scratch) pretzel and still come up short. And his manipulating you by breaking up with you as a "lesson" not to raise your concerns about him?! Honey, you are way better off without a controlling, manipulative abuser like that! You should be grateful to be rid of him, and feel bad only that it took you this long to get away from such an ass. There are better men out there, far better. Once you heal, you'll start feeling so excited to have opportunities to meet those better men.
norajane Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 ...and thankyou RedDevil...i feel like a mess now...i need some talk...;( It takes patience! There are a lot of threads here...
norajane Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 And another thing, if he was so concerned about how cleaning should be done and saving money by cooking from scratch, did HE do any of the cleaning and cooking? Why was that on you? Did he ever do anything for you that you wanted, like maybe going out for a nice dinner once in a while with all that money you saved by cooking at home?
Beeotch Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 hi, i will make this as short as possible, i was with my guy for 6 years...very on and off...i am now 35...i moved in with him and had to move twice back, once to my parents as my condo that i own was being rented...he begged me back and i gave in soon to find out i was packing up 5 months later and now my condo being free i moved back in my place, thank god!....all his choice for me to leave...now i'm really feeling lonely and can't believe i'm the one dumped...well i lost it after a few days being in here staring at this empty house, i called him up and we faught, names, the works i was in a bad state, i ended up going to his work as i work there too and i know it's empty, sort of ,where his department is...it's a hospital...well one thing led to another and he called the cops, i was put in jail all night and now have a restraining order...but then he contacted me after 2 weeks feeling terrible how far this all went...we have so much history together and why am i feeling like i still want to be back with him, what's wrong with me??!...if he regrets it in awhile or so...is it nuts to go back?...he is 33...i feel he's wasted my years as we planned our forever...now i have to start over?? with someone new...can't even bare the thought...help...thankyou... Wellllll not to be blunt....but that is insane. From what I am hearing it seems that you two...meaning you as an individual have issues within yourselves you need to work on. I don't know your life story but it seems to me that this relationship is sitting atop a pile of deeper issues that you should be trying to resolve. I think you should use this break up (for the 3rd time) to be ALONE and to figure some stuff out about yourself. But going to the person's job and starting drama, living with them and being told to leave twice, now you have a criminal record...like honestly, that seems to me like there are issues there that you need to resolve that are MORE important than this relationship. Sometimes people cling to relationships to fill other voids and the relationships are disasters, and instead of realizing that is is ABOUT THEM and they need to focus on themselves they continue these disastrous relationships. NO HARM can come from taking a break to get your head right, to assess yourself etc. If it is meant to be, it will only be better after you do this, but if you continue chasing this relationship....well you already went to jail...who knows what else will happen. Goodluck
HeavenOrHell Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Sounds like you two really need to communicate. Maybe you're not right together? My ex dumped me after 18 years, I thought we were meant for each other, nothing is solid, I don't want anyone else either. hi, i will make this as short as possible, i was with my guy for 6 years...very on and off...i am now 35...i moved in with him and had to move twice back, once to my parents as my condo that i own was being rented...he begged me back and i gave in soon to find out i was packing up 5 months later and now my condo being free i moved back in my place, thank god!....all his choice for me to leave...now i'm really feeling lonely and can't believe i'm the one dumped...well i lost it after a few days being in here staring at this empty house, i called him up and we faught, names, the works i was in a bad state, i ended up going to his work as i work there too and i know it's empty, sort of ,where his department is...it's a hospital...well one thing led to another and he called the cops, i was put in jail all night and now have a restraining order...but then he contacted me after 2 weeks feeling terrible how far this all went...we have so much history together and why am i feeling like i still want to be back with him, what's wrong with me??!...if he regrets it in awhile or so...is it nuts to go back?...he is 33...i feel he's wasted my years as we planned our forever...now i have to start over?? with someone new...can't even bare the thought...help...thankyou...
billy356 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 This guy sounds like a creep. Now of course there is another side to the story but going on just what you said he does sound like a very controlling and manipulative person and he learned how to control you very well. You need to take a big mental step back, look at everything that happened and what you did, say to yourself "Whoa, what the hell was going through my head!" and begin the healing process. No contact, add activities to your life, maybe even get a new job in this situation...it is going to take some work to dig yourself out of this emotional ditch. I know how you feel being mid-thrities and wondering if you are ever going to meet someone else, thought of dating sickens you....there is nothing that can be done about that. The feeling will pass, you will move on, but it is going to be a very hard time before that occurs. You may want to see someone professionally to work through this. You may want to consider a temporary medication therapy as well. You need to objectively look at what has happened and set upon a course that is better for you in the long run. I wish you all the best, it wont be easy but all of us will be here through it with you.
Author condogal Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Hi!!...thankyou!!...you all were wonderful, so helpful!...yes I wonder why I let him get the worst of me i had never seen...it's almost as if i had a breakdown...well, what you are all saying is exactly the road i'm taking, i know me and i'm really good at heart, i put alot in this relationship...but what can you do, right? My final question here is, after all this mess and if time heals us both being away from eachother and he desperetaly wants to come back...what should i do?...unless i meet a mr. wonderful during this healing time which i think is unlikely as i don't want to at all...and in both of us who is the victim?...why had i lost control as this is now humiliating for him and as well for myself.. Thanks so much, you've all helped in different ways for me...and sorry for the push in needing responses as I wasn't aware how posts come across or delivered...i will be patient now......hugs.
norajane Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 My final question here is, after all this mess and if time heals us both being away from eachother and he desperetaly wants to come back...what should i do?... Shut the door in his face, lock it, and get your pepper spray out. You can yell through the door at him, "No f*cking way - go find yourself another housekeeper/maid/chef to do your dirty work for you that you can belittle and manipulate! Get out of here before I call the cops!" Maybe it's because you've been emotionally abused and manipulated by this guy for so long that you can't see it and would even consider going back to him. But that's what many abused women do....they just luuuuuuuv their abusers so much they make excuses for getting hit, called names and belittled. Don't let a guy emotionally abuse you and take advantage of you and then let him back in to do it again and again. Those guys never change for the better.
Author condogal Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Hi, thanks Nora, why is it so hard tho, i feel as tho i'm such a strong woman...why is a man like this to someone he wanted to marry and have children with...why did he want to mold me?...was it ever love he had for me??...he broke up with me so many times i can't even count anymore...then in time he comes back in such a desperate way...can you explain this behavior?
norajane Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 can you explain this behavior?Yes, it's called CONTROLLING, NARCISSISTIC, MANIPULATION. And he does it because he is damaged as a person and does not know how to be anything but selfish and controlling and abusive. YOU cannot fix him. Maybe a therapist can, if he were to ever admit that he is damaged and really wants to work hard to be a better person. But he never will, because narcissists believe the world revolves around them and everyone should feed their ego and do everything to give them what they want. Even the desperation is a ploy to get what he wants. If that doesn't work, he goes back to anger and punishing you, and then back to desperation until he wears you down and gets what he wants. It has nothing to do with you. You were merely in his orbit and got sucked in. If you truly dump him, you will be replaced by another whom he will try to mold into his ideal to do his bidding and, if she is susceptible, she will try to twist herself into a pretzel to please him until she realizes it isn't possible. Maybe mommy treated him like he farted rainbows and sunshine and he grew up believing every woman should treat him that way. Who knows? It's not your problem to figure him out or heal him, nor can you.
XKatieX Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 All I can say is anyone who tries to control every little move you make is NOT worth it. I think you basically feel trapped in something that you've been in for so long and you don't know how to get out. There is no real explanation for it other than its just the way he is. I would def just get away from him, and don't have any contact with him at all. I think within time apart you will realize how much better you deserve. I agree with everyone else, there is so much better out there, and it will just be his loss.
Author condogal Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Nora I love you......you are hitting it on the nail you can't imagine!...i have new follow ups but have to run off to work, i will write back at around 11:30 tonight...hope your up...your amazing and making complete sense, I thank you with the utmost appreciation...hugs.
Author condogal Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Yes!...thank you Katie as well!...
Author condogal Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Hi, well a follow-up...he has money that he lent me, 6, ooo$ to be exact, we had had contact since the restraining order which he and i obviously allowed but hearing his coldness and sounding him only care about his money and not the emotional distress i've been suffering from this final breakup...i said to him you know what i don't need you to continue to be a prick to me...find your way in a legal matter to get your money, i was going to be nice and hand it right to him as i have it all now, but he was being an insensitive prick, so that's it...all i was asking is that we meet over the money exchange and he said why not bring it to work and we meet like that, no way!...i don't want to exchange nothing at work as you seen what he did to me...therefore he didn't want to give me the honorable path to say goodbye in a respectful way therefore i turned to say find a legal way to get your money then and he said fine and if i ever contact him again he will put me away for 2 years, how bout that???!..the same woman who cooked you amazing meals washed your laundry and slept in your bed...well this tells me one thing, stay away!!...but what do you think about these actions he's done, what does it all mean??? thanks so much for all your help...hugs.
ADF Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Cut off all contact with this man. Not only are you torturing yourself, you're getting in legal trouble because you're desperate and out of control. You say "this and that" happened and you "ended up" in jail? Excuse me, but no. No one just "ends up" in jail, and no one gets arrested for "this and that." Clearly, you're behavior was bad enough to become a law enforcement concern. Do what you have to do--seek counseling, talk to family and friends, whatever--but DO NOT pursue this relationship.
norajane Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Mail him a check for the $6000 you owe him, and then forget about him. You have no right to keep that money and force him to take you to small claims court to get it. Now YOU are being manipulative and pissy because you aren't getting what you want - to say goodbye the way you want to say it. Honestly, just give him the money and put this behind you. Stop trying to analyze him so much. That only hurts you, not him.
Author condogal Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Hi, For ADF's response...i became crazy throughout these 6 years of manipulation and hurt, i wasn't anything close to this before him...and no it didn't have to take law enforcement, it's called cowardness on his part...he could of spoken to me in the respect our relationship had left, but he chose to be hurtful that night i got arrested, he pushed so many emotions i never thought i had on the phone before i decided to go there...i went there to speak in his face as all he was able to do is hide behind a phone or a cop for that matter...my friends are well aware of the good intentional person i am and would never hurt anything or anyone!I spoke with many male friends and they would have never gone that far to hurt there ex... And Nora, i can't mail him the check because i got the loan for reason of home renovations, so if my activity shows that i made a lump sum check to his name, it may get questioned, and he has a document which we first signed together that i would need to sign that i payed in full and i want a copy...i would never have taken this road and trusted to just hand over the money, but now all trust i have for him is gone! Why should i get the bad end of the stick anyhow, I did all the moving work six times, counting back and forth...3 times, but back and for makes 6 times of box packing and all the other **** i had to unpack and pack numerous times...he should break his head now having to get a registered letter and a lawyer, whatever for this money due...i'm sorry, i am moving on but i need to not have been the one who suffers entirely...sorry and thanks for your responses.
ADF Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 condogal, blame him for making you crazy, call him a coward, call him hurtful--heck, blame him for everything. Whatever you please. I am just suggesting you not do things that are going to get you in legal trouble. It is the worst thing that can happen.
Author condogal Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Hi ADF, yes for sure!...i'm really done...i just want your opinion on what you think of the man that you spend 6 years with doing these hurtful actions?...he took it too far, any human will say that...can you explain his now behavior?...it's just for my info...i'm walking forward now trust me...
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