IOnlyWantForgiveness Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I'm on anti-depressants, I'm loving and caring. But I know in my heart there is nothing I can do about my past. I struggle with living whenever my mind starts to remember everything that has happened. I've been going out with the same person for years now. But only half of the time in years total have I been faithful during it. It all started, I guess you could say, when I moved from a comfy place up north to down here. (I'm not mentioning where on purpose) I had just gotten over an unhealthy fascination with a guy I had been in love with (but unable to have contact with) for 7 years. I had tried to move on, but in my mind I had to wait for him because he was my one true love. Of course, I had met him when I was 8 and finally, really, gave up on him at 15. I had gone out with at least 2 guys before 15, trying to heal the void he had left. I realize now that I was just a silly little girl then, of course. But I explain all of this to allow the readers to understand the point I'm trying to make and understand the depths of my inner turmoil. In between 15 and 16 I had met what would be the true definition of an ugly loser. Dorky and unattractive in every aspect. But having the low self esteem I had, I adored the ground he walked on. In my naivety, I asked that he could be like a 'big brother' to me, not realizing that this would ruin all chances at romance. I thought it would only bring us closer and allow our feelings to grow. But since I had requested it from his right away after a friendship just barely bloomed, it made it so he could have no feelings of a lover's love towards me. Devastated and psychological unstable, I convinced myself I had MPD to deal with everything going on around me (including a psychologically unstable mother who had been emotionally, physically and sexually abused as a child, a raped sister and father who was too busy working to spend time with me). My mother believed herself to be sick, making my life turn upside-down from the normal princess I was, into the Cinderella I am now. Unable to cope with everything, I was depressed and suicidal. My only will to live was thinking of the impossible. Thinking that someday, I would be taken away by my prince charming. The boy I had fallen in love with who didn't even deserve my attention at the time. Unable to love me, he turned me down on every chance I had to mention the subject. But still wanted my friendship. I suspect because I was the only person outside his league who would talk to him. Many times did I forcefully try and kill my memory to forget him, even while I knew him. I tried to cause drama at every turn to bring us closer, hoping it would change his mind. But it only made him want to be a better big brother towards me. Eventually, I tried to find someone else and move on when I was approaching 16. I found someone (the person I am still with today). But unfortunately, I still coudn't put it behind me, no matter how hard I tried. So I thought on, not even a month into the relationship that I could make my 'big brother' jealous by bringing around my boyfriend. If it worked, it was early enough that my boyfriend wouldn't mind losing me to the other guy because he wasn't attatched enough to me for it to hurt him. But it didn't work. Leaving me to deal with my emotions on my own time whenever I could. Learning to love my boyfriend and still attatched to my 'brother', I had tried many things to push both away. So I could be left alone in my sorrow. It didn't work on either part. Only complicating things worse. About a year into my relationship with my boyfriend, did I fall in love with him wholey. But still had lingered feelings toward my brother. So, I made an agreement with him. To explore sexually. Thinking it would help me lose my fascination. I had already lost my virginity at 16 in to my boyfriend and he lost his to me. But my brother was still a virgin, and I still had a fan girl crush. So he agreed I could do a limited amount of things to him and him to me until I lost my fascination as, he too, was getting sick of it. I was happy because I was getting what I wanted. I was getting what I thought I couldn't have and keeping my love. It started as just oral gratification, but soon grew into more. I hadn't lost my fascination until a year into it, and had taken his virginity in the process. Happy that I could now fully love my boyfriend with all my heart, had a best friend I could share everything with, I felt no depression. At least for a while. Until my error had caught up with me. I finally realized that I had cheated. That it hadn't been 'experimenting', it had been cheating. I felt destroyed inside. The one thing I was so good at doing, being loyal, I had destroyed. And with it; my soul. Wanting to tell him but fearful of losing him, I made up a story abotu how my brother had raped me/ Temporarily allowing me to feel better. But my partner was smart and it only worked for so long. Not even a year later did he confront me. He told me he had it figured out for at least a month before he told me. My whole world shattered. I had already lost a best friend in trying to gain my love. And I just realized I had been playing with a double-edged sword. He was hurt, but still wanted to be with me because he loved me. Thankful and hurting, I was grateful to hear his feelings towards me hadn't changed. But how wrong, I hadn't yet known myself to be. His feeligns had changed, he still loved me, but things were very different. My betrayel had caused him to use xanax and valum. Which when he took, he got very angry. In total, I had 5 days that felt like 5 weeks of him rubbing it in my face in any way he could. Screaming, yelling, insults. But he never hit me, only threatened. He never would hit me. And he never will. He believes such actions to be the act of men who are insecure and threatened by women because so. You could not even begin to imagine the amount of pain those day put me through. And although I know I deserved every bit of it, and more, it still pains me to think about. For it wasn't that long ago that it happened. / In addition, I'd like to say that for my disloyalty. He can date and have sex with whoever he wants. I can only date women and have sex with them. We still have moments of extreme happiness together. Moments that make me not care about what happened because I know he loves me. But I can't help but feel, sometimes, that the love I want from him and the fairytale ending I've craved for my entire life, is just that: a fairytale. Right now I feel like overdosing on my pristiq and waiting for the darkness to come. Please help me convince myself otherwise?
lkjh Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 There are no fairytales in life, maybe you should get away from your bf for awhile and focus on yourself. I think you are still HS, so make sure you do good enough to get into college, join some athletic clubs and build your confidence. For now, try being alone. Your bf won't trust you and at our age it will only bring you down. Plus you are to young to be sleeping with people. You need to learn to value yourself. If you are having sex now you will not value it later in life and you will get use to having it whenever, make guys work for you dont just give it up You know I am not a super religious person but you may want to look into joining a church. Religion will give you hope and faith. Good luck
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I'm on anti-depressants, I'm loving and caring. Life is hard sometimes, especially when you have a crazy family. Don't sit and dream of some guy coming along and sweeping you away. In the end that wont make you feel any better than you feel now. Instead work on yourself. Take yourself away. The world is completely open to you, full of possibility and potential. Eventually you will find a man that fits into the life you create for yourself. Suicide is not an answer. You should know by now that even though things suck from time to time... it always gets better. You need to have hope!
lostsunsets Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 So now you can only have sex with women, even though your still in a relationship. What a skank.
an hero Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I suffer from severe depression and other mental issues, as well as drug and alcohol problems. All of that combined with relationship problems, especially cheatings means hell on earth, I know from experience. When all of that happened with my girlfriend, I thought I was going to end up in a mental hospital. Luckily for me she is the most amazing girl I've ever met, and we worked things out. It was the hardest time of my life, and hers too. Things are back to being amazing, we've moved on and grown from what has happened (it took a very long time though).
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