Aksion Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Last time I was here I had just contacted my stbxw about beginning our separation/divorce paper-work. Fell on deaf ears apparently with her, and she made it quite clear she was happy with where she was in life. As some of you know, I was already spiraling out of control prior to that incident, just that pushed me over the edge. Vicodins, Klonopins, any type of sleeping pill I could get my hands on, and more alcohol than one should probably consume in a year soon followed. Went on for a few days. Stayed locked in my apartment unless I needed more of what I was abusing. Great idea, as all it did was make the thoughts in my head louder and eventually landed me in the hospital. Smart. Fast forward about a week. Family pushed me into therapy -- went, stopped going after the second visit. Family wanted me in rehab -- didn't do that either. Stopped the drugs, kept the alcohol, head still loud as ever. About two weeks ago, was introduced to this chick. Seemed cool, not interested nor "right" enough in the head for a girlfriend or whatever. We hung out every now and then, she'd call/text me all the time. Apparently stbxw got wind of it, decided she wanted to start contacting me. At first it was about our divorce (coincidence she does this when someone is showing interest in me?). Eventually the e-mails from stbxw turned into her calling me/texting me telling me its not ok if I am seeing someone else while we are still married. I ignore her. This went on for about a week, then she disappeared again. I've no real interest in this new girl, she is nice, and it is nice to have someone to talk to, but I'd probably ruin this poor girls world if I let her into mine. So, here I am -- not bothering to press the issue of separation/divorce with her, she can do that, I'm through with her. Still alive somehow, and trying to figure out how to tell this new girl that she wants no part of me in the state I'm in. Kinda blows, since she is really into me and if this were a different time in my life, mighta been a good thing. This last month has been eventful to say the least.
FeelingLonely98 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Glad to have you back on the board. Yes, I agree with shb. I was always worried about you and thought about you a few times recently. Glad you're back. Keep posting. Stay healthy. Ease up on the booze, at least don't abuse it. You realize now it doesn't help, not even to drown your sorrows. Start doing sh*t for you man. Do the 180 NOW. To hell with her. This is about YOU now. Maybe the girl you like will stand by you and take it slow. Just be honest with her. Time will tell. You are honorable not to use this girl like many would. PEACE!
Gunny376 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 As someone who's been there and done that? Let me help you leap frog light years from where you are. The re-hab and counseling probally isn't such a bad idea? Why? Because it will help you come to terms with any and all issues that you may have in a much shorter time than you would accomplish over the course of several years. We all have issues, and the truth be told? There's probally isn't a soul on walking about the planet that wouldn't benefit from such. Couseling at least will at least help you reconcile your past, present and future. As I said in a much shorter period of time than otherwise on your own. With the current woman, you just need to come clear with her that your simply not ready. And your not. Now is the time to work on you and your life. Now is the time to overcome your need to be in a relationship, to embrace the loneliness, and to learn to be happy wheather your in a relationship or not. To overcome your dependecy on others. Not to say that its easy, but it is 'do-able'.
soheartbroken Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 We all have issues, and the truth be told? There's probally isn't a soul on walking about the planet that wouldn't benefit from such. Couseling at least will at least help you reconcile your past, present and future. Now is the time to overcome your need to be in a relationship, to embrace the loneliness, and to learn to be happy wheather your in a relationship or not. To overcome your dependecy on others. Not to say that its easy, but it is 'do-able'. Well said Gunny.
soheartbroken Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Just wondering how you're doing Aksion?
Author Aksion Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I'm still here. Gunny -- I don't feel the need to be in a relationship, and I did remove myself from the situation with her. She knows what I am going through, even knows about the drug/alcohol addiction, she still wanted to have a relationship with me, but I refused. My only reasoning behind it, is that I don't want someone else brought into this life I've been living, especially someone I know that couldn't handle it. The nights have gotten longer lately -- assuming its the holiday season that is increasing the 'depression' I guess you could call it. Makes it hard to surpress thoughts of her, so I've turned back on what I was doing before. Somedays its more, some -- like today its less. I am fully aware of myself, and that I'm a prisoner of my own mind. Just, I don't seem to mind. I've been able to keep my family from finding out the truth this time around, and I will continue to do so. Counseling and/or therapy. Ick. Nothing is worse then having someone try to pry their way into your head. I don't need someone else to tell me that I'm not alright, I know that already. This past weekend was horrendous. My wife called me repeatedly all weekend until I finally answered and warned her to leave me alone. She didn't listen, and I ended up at her mother's house in a huge fight with her sunday morning. First time we've seen/spoke in such a long time -- I hated every minute of seeing her face and hearing her voice. She screamed at me for 'seeing other people while still married' -- I broke ****. She yelled at me for 'ruining our marriage' -- I coulda swore she left me. I don't think I said more than 8-10 words. Should have never went to go see her, knew it was gonna be trouble. I don't know where to go from here. She doesn't want anything to do with me, but does **** like this past weekend. Its no wonder I'm so self-destructive.
tojaz Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'm still here. Ak, I'm worried about you bud! The nights have gotten longer lately -- assuming its the holiday season that is increasing the 'depression' I guess you could call it. Makes it hard to surpress thoughts of her, so I've turned back on what I was doing before. Somedays its more, some -- like today its less. I am fully aware of myself, and that I'm a prisoner of my own mind. Just, I don't seem to mind. I've been able to keep my family from finding out the truth this time around, and I will continue to do so. Your isolating yourself from your support system. You don't need to go at this alone! Quit leaning on the booze and start leaning on the people that care about you. Counseling and/or therapy. Ick. Nothing is worse then having someone try to pry their way into your head. I don't need someone else to tell me that I'm not alright, I know that already. Do you know why? Do you know how to move towards being alright? You've already said that your "a prisoner of your own mind" some professional help is in order to set yourself free. This past weekend was horrendous. My wife called me repeatedly all weekend until I finally answered and warned her to leave me alone. She didn't listen, and I ended up at her mother's house in a huge fight with her sunday morning. First time we've seen/spoke in such a long time -- I hated every minute of seeing her face and hearing her voice. She screamed at me for 'seeing other people while still married' -- I broke ****. She yelled at me for 'ruining our marriage' -- I coulda swore she left me. I don't think I said more than 8-10 words. Should have never went to go see her, knew it was gonna be trouble. So exactly what is it that your looking for AK? Do you want her back, or do you want her to leave? You can't be fighting a battle on two fronts for very long. I read this and hear you pushing her away, but upset that shes gone. Most guys here would do anything to have a little contact with their wives. I don't know where to go from here. She doesn't want anything to do with me, but does **** like this past weekend. Its no wonder I'm so self-destructive. Yes bro, you are getting to be self-destructive, so much so that your hurting your chances at getting out of this hole. You say she dosen't want anything to do with you, but shes calling! and you shut her down! Think about that! TOJAZ
soheartbroken Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'm still here. Gunny -- I don't feel the need to be in a relationship, and I did remove myself from the situation with her. She knows what I am going through, even knows about the drug/alcohol addiction, she still wanted to have a relationship with me, but I refused. My only reasoning behind it, is that I don't want someone else brought into this life I've been living, especially someone I know that couldn't handle it. The nights have gotten longer lately -- assuming its the holiday season that is increasing the 'depression' I guess you could call it. Makes it hard to surpress thoughts of her, so I've turned back on what I was doing before. Somedays its more, some -- like today its less. I am fully aware of myself, and that I'm a prisoner of my own mind. Just, I don't seem to mind. I've been able to keep my family from finding out the truth this time around, and I will continue to do so. Counseling and/or therapy. Ick. Nothing is worse then having someone try to pry their way into your head. I don't need someone else to tell me that I'm not alright, I know that already. This past weekend was horrendous. My wife called me repeatedly all weekend until I finally answered and warned her to leave me alone. She didn't listen, and I ended up at her mother's house in a huge fight with her sunday morning. First time we've seen/spoke in such a long time -- I hated every minute of seeing her face and hearing her voice. She screamed at me for 'seeing other people while still married' -- I broke ****. She yelled at me for 'ruining our marriage' -- I coulda swore she left me. I don't think I said more than 8-10 words. Should have never went to go see her, knew it was gonna be trouble. I don't know where to go from here. She doesn't want anything to do with me, but does **** like this past weekend. Its no wonder I'm so self-destructive. Glad to hear from you. Sounds like your wife hasn't released all ties to the relationship herself. I won't tell you that drinking is bad and everything, cause I know you already know that. But keep posting. I think it will do you a world of good, especially if you're tending to avoid your family and not seeking professional help. We will all lend an ear here. Give us a daily update. It can't hurt.
Author Aksion Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 I feel the need to not involve the people that care about me. They don't need to know where I am, or what my frame of mind is -- they need to see the fake me, the happy me. So I give it to them, especially my mother. No need to worry anybody else. Someone is going to say 'but you do need to let them know' or 'those are the people that can help you' -- no, they can't. Only I can help me, and until I find whatever it is I'm looking for, I'll put on the front for them and continue doing what I'm doing. No, I don't want her back. Just seeing her/hearing her voice disgusted me. She doesn't want our marriage -- she's said so repeatedly, and has been quite adamant about it. I don't want even a 'little' contact with her. I heard a song the other day where someone said "Don't love me or leave me alone -- do both." and that is exactly how I feel about her these days. I did what I could in the beginning to try and piece together what we had, but was met with nothing but a brick wall. Even if she wanted to finally talk and work through things, I'm no longer interested. She shattered the life I had, she left me with the life we built -- and all of the responsibilities that came with it. She took almost all of my money, she TOLD me that there 'may be' someone else, and she basically just disappeared. No remorse, no tears from her, and no trust could I ever have for her ever again. Now, I just want peace. I realize I am not going to find this 'peace' with myself at the bottom of a bottle, or by takin' any form of pill, but if it will get me to the next day right now -- so be it.
curiou Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Aksion, I admire your attitude. When I was in the midst of my ex-wife's betrayal, I told any and everyone about it. I realize now it was a mistake. I was looking for validation. My mother called me crying several times that she was so sad for me. My sister-in-law, to whom I am not even close, wrote a beautiful encouraging letter. These things woke me up that unless I snapped out of it, starting focusing on becoming healthier and happier, I would never dig myself out of the psychological nightmare I was fallingin love with. And it was really like a relationship! It is hard to explain. I was obsessed with "suffering" and had a defeatist attitude. It was no way to live. Fifteen pounds lighter, a medical degree later, and plenty of good times and women in between, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Good luck.
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