SoulSearch_CO Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Alright - first off, I'm going to admit that I have made mistakes in this realm, myself. I KNOW men and women think differently. I'm totally seeing that the more I deal with men. I was having a discussion with a male friend of mine in which he told me that his wife used to make a Christmas list every year. He'd get EVERYTHING on the list, thinking he was being the loving, doting husband. He found out YEARS later that she wanted him to actually GUESS what she REALLY wanted and get that. She only made the list so that she'd get SOMETHING. I know, I know - even as a woman, I have to chuckle at how silly it sounds. And yet - I've been guilty of it myself. My XH asked me to make him a list for Xmas, birthdays, and anniversaries. The idea insulted me so much, that I refused to do it. And, of course, that bit me in the butt because I then never got anything I wanted. Alright, alright - flame on. Here's my gripe. When I am in relationship with somebody and it's getting close to time to give gifts for some reason, I think back on conversations we've had, experiences we've had, etc. Going off of that, I buy a gift. That's what I want the guy to do. XH was my first really serious relationship, so it was my first experience with this gift brain damage. I didn't realize that it affects A LOT of men (Ok - if you want to say I'm making generalizations, that's fine - I'll own it.) But XH made a comment on our freaking FIRST DATE and I made a mental note of it as a good gift. That's just how I roll. I don't want to make a list (*stamps foot petulantly*). It sounds so perfunctory. Like I'm making a freaking grocery list, or something. I want the gift to come from the guy's heart. For him to have picked up on my tastes and likes, perhaps be listening when I mention something I recently lost or broke - and just pick something. Or in my XH's case - I SWEAR to you I didn't make a hint. I straight up in two separate cases made SPECIFIC requests for certain jewelry (genuine diamond earrings and an amethyst birthstone ring).... Saying, "A great anniversary, birthday, or xmas gift would be...." Which in my mind would mean, "Hello, dummy - take note - I'm making a specific request." No. IME, guys want gift-giving to just be this task they perform. For me, I want it to be a service they perform out of LOVE. I guess I have a hard time finding something so cold and uninvolved as making a freaking list to equal romance. So. I think I'm just going to have to swallow my pride on this one and make a list in the future when I get into a serious relationship (God, I hate that). I'll do it just because I've seen too many stupid fights/arguments over STUPID stuff (and I'm willing to admit this might be silly, so I'll let it go) spoil a good relationship. Is there ANY way to compromise on this, though? I'll adjust if I really have to. I'd love to hear input/comments/ideas. I have heard this gift issue from numerous women AND men. Why are the ideas about gift giving so disparate?
jerseyboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I dont think its silly. The way a person chooses a gift does say something about them and their feelings. Filling out a list seems a little removed. There isnt anything I really need in terms of gifts. And anything I did I would buy myself. So its not about what you get for me. Its more about the idea behind the gift.
Bejita463 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Here's my gripe. When I am in relationship with somebody and it's getting close to time to give gifts for some reason, I think back on conversations we've had, experiences we've had, etc. Going off of that, I buy a gift. That's what I want the guy to do. I try to do this, but a list helps. I might want to get a few more things than I know what to get. I mean come on, how many corded appliances are there to get a woman?
New Again Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Alright - first off, I'm going to admit that I have made mistakes in this realm, myself. I KNOW men and women think differently. I'm totally seeing that the more I deal with men. I was having a discussion with a male friend of mine in which he told me that his wife used to make a Christmas list every year. He'd get EVERYTHING on the list, thinking he was being the loving, doting husband. He found out YEARS later that she wanted him to actually GUESS what she REALLY wanted and get that. She only made the list so that she'd get SOMETHING. I know, I know - even as a woman, I have to chuckle at how silly it sounds. And yet - I've been guilty of it myself. My XH asked me to make him a list for Xmas, birthdays, and anniversaries. The idea insulted me so much, that I refused to do it. And, of course, that bit me in the butt because I then never got anything I wanted. Alright, alright - flame on. Here's my gripe. When I am in relationship with somebody and it's getting close to time to give gifts for some reason, I think back on conversations we've had, experiences we've had, etc. Going off of that, I buy a gift. That's what I want the guy to do. XH was my first really serious relationship, so it was my first experience with this gift brain damage. I didn't realize that it affects A LOT of men (Ok - if you want to say I'm making generalizations, that's fine - I'll own it.) But XH made a comment on our freaking FIRST DATE and I made a mental note of it as a good gift. That's just how I roll. I don't want to make a list (*stamps foot petulantly*). It sounds so perfunctory. Like I'm making a freaking grocery list, or something. I want the gift to come from the guy's heart. For him to have picked up on my tastes and likes, perhaps be listening when I mention something I recently lost or broke - and just pick something. Or in my XH's case - I SWEAR to you I didn't make a hint. I straight up in two separate cases made SPECIFIC requests for certain jewelry (genuine diamond earrings and an amethyst birthstone ring).... Saying, "A great anniversary, birthday, or xmas gift would be...." Which in my mind would mean, "Hello, dummy - take note - I'm making a specific request." No. IME, guys want gift-giving to just be this task they perform. For me, I want it to be a service they perform out of LOVE. I guess I have a hard time finding something so cold and uninvolved as making a freaking list to equal romance. So. I think I'm just going to have to swallow my pride on this one and make a list in the future when I get into a serious relationship (God, I hate that). I'll do it just because I've seen too many stupid fights/arguments over STUPID stuff (and I'm willing to admit this might be silly, so I'll let it go) spoil a good relationship. Is there ANY way to compromise on this, though? I'll adjust if I really have to. I'd love to hear input/comments/ideas. I have heard this gift issue from numerous women AND men. Why are the ideas about gift giving so disparate? I think it might have to do with how we're raised - and yes, men and women are definitely raised differently and socialized differently, don't even get me started. That said, not all guys are raised exactly the same. My sister's bf had a pretty rough childhood, and (I'm guessing here), but I think he sees giftgiving more the way women see it (as you described in the OP) as one result of this. So he doesn't ask "What do you want for Christmas/birthday/anniversary, make me a list." He goes about it the way you and other women do: he pays attention throughout the year to things like taste/style, little comments that are made, even if my sister just happens to linger over a particular something in the store when they're shopping together. He always picks out thoughtful gifts, and they're always a surprise.
jerseyboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I think it might have to do with how we're raised - and yes, men and women are definitely raised differently and socialized differently, don't even get me started. That said, not all guys are raised exactly the same. My sister's bf had a pretty rough childhood, and (I'm guessing here), but I think he sees giftgiving more the way women see it (as you described in the OP) as one result of this. So he doesn't ask "What do you want for Christmas/birthday/anniversary, make me a list." He goes about it the way you and other women do: he pays attention throughout the year to things like taste/style, little comments that are made, even if my sister just happens to linger over a particular something in the store when they're shopping together. He always picks out thoughtful gifts, and they're always a surprise. That's interesting What happened to him?
New Again Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 That's interesting What happened to him? Eh, I would PM you if I could...I don't want to TJ, or post someone else's personal details on here.
carhill Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I always buy gifts for friends and family based off 'conversations' and things I pick up on being around them. For example, my bf destroyed his margarita blender recently at one of our parties so I restored my mom's vintage blender and updated it to margarita duty and presented it to him when I was with he and his wife over Thanksgiving. His wife pulled me aside and told me she had also gotten him a blender for Christmas and was thinking of taking it back and I suggested she keep it and give it to him for the house, since he seems to like the one I gave in the RV. Can't have enough margaritas. I used to do the same for my stbx and her family. I'd just watch and identify certain things and take a bit of a risk and get them something independently chosen. At the same recent gathering, my bf's daughter pulled me aside and asked if I had any ideas for her stepmother (bf's wife). I told her of a certain photo/art piece that his wife has but as yet needs to be finished for display and suggested that we spirit it away and get it matted and framed for her. So, I'll go 'steal' it this weekend while she's away and stepdaughter will take care of the rest. IMO, somewhere in the past my parents took an only child whom they gave everything to and taught him these things. I don't know exactly how that happened, but am happy it did. It's so fulfilling giving to others.
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I mix it up. I like giving my partner things that he actually wants and can use. So I LOVE “the list” since I’m a complete numpty regarding the kind of tools he needs for his Garage Mahal. Then, being with him as long as I have, and knowing him as well as I do, I toss in some of my own surprises. On the flip side of that, while I’m all for sentimental and can certainly appreciate the thought (and sometimes work) that someone puts into choosing or making a gift, I also like things that I can actually use as well. This way, after the kisses and thank-yous, the appreciation extends beyond the unwrapping when you see the person actually using or wearing the gift you gave them instead of wondering where in the heck it went... or who they might have re-gifted it to. I don’t necessarily think it’s so much about gender differences as it is about individual preferences and tastes. Some people are more practical while others are more whimsical. But whether someone gifts you with something they already know you want, or something they think you might like, doesn’t mean they “love” you any more or less. Either way, I think it’s the thoughtfulness that really counts... and more importantly the appreciation.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 I'm up way past my bedtime (I work nights), so I will comment on more of the things in this thread tonight, but wanted to address this: Some people are more practical while others are more whimsical. But whether someone gifts you with something they already know you want, or something they think you might like, doesn’t mean they “love” you any more or less. Either way, I think it’s the thoughtfulness that really counts... and more importantly the appreciation. I agree and it's something that was stated in my convo with the guy. I made a comment about "why can't guys just listen" and he said something about just because he didn't pick up on some hint doesn't mean he wasn't listening or doesn't care. Anywho. I pride myself on paying attention to what people want AND need and try to gift according to that. The flagship gift I gave my XH was a pewter serving set with his initials engraved on it (he mentioned he LOVES pewter serving-ware on the first date and a few times afterward), flagship gift to xbf was a blown-up poster of him in front of the Cubs stadium (because he had mentioned how much he LOVED that picture). I'm hoping to not have fudged my first gift attempt to the guy I'm dating... His walls are empty - I've joked about it, he jokes about it, he said people that visit his house joke about it. So I was thinking of some kind of a print. I, myself, am partial to mountain pictures. But I know he loves the beach. So I found an Ansel Adams print of the beach. Whether or not he hangs it is not what's important to me - what's important is I know I put thought into it (looked until I found THE perfect picture - there are other components that tie to him/his past about the print, I'd rather not get too personal). Anyway - I try. It never occurred to me before - now two guys in a row (and numerous complaints from female friends) - that guys don't think the same way. Oh, well. *shrug*
bayouboi Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Oh, well. *shrug* As long as you actually feel this way, then everything will be just fine. ^_^
boogieboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Some people LIKE giving gifts, others dont unless they have a specific idea of what to get. I HATE gift shopping unless im confident my gift will be well recieved. Thats the type of thing that you have to know a person well to be bothered with. And just because I hate giving gifts doesnt mean I dont care about you, I'd just rather give a gift when Iwant to give it, not on bdays or holidays. I generally dont like getting gifts, because you have to be phony when you get something you dont need or like. Giving gifts to someone for self satisfaction is meaningless. Actually my point was you have to find out if youre with a person who likes giving gifts or not. Some people have too many things on their mind to have to think up a gift if they werent paying attention, and many men dont speak hintanese. Of course you have to be a neanderthal if you cant pick up on an obvious hint.
threebyfate Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 SS_C, generally speaking, women are far more fussy about what they get, than men. So why add to the frustration of your man or add to your own disappointment that you received something, you neither needed or wanted. Why not make life easier for the both of you, not causing any unnecessary friction? Is it worth it to torture your partner?
Stockalone Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 As far as family is concerned, my sister is in charge of the presents. I simply provide the money, and pay a little more than my share because she is doing all the work. So, the only gift I need to buy is that for my sister and I usually buy things she needs to be replaced because the old one isn't working properly anymore. A new MP3 player, a new phone, stuff like that. That usually works fine and she can always return it if she doesn't like it. If it is a gift for a gf, I spend more time and try to buy things she mentioned in a conversation. Or things she might have looked at for a bit longer than usual at a store. Those gifts were always received well. But in all honesty, if I had just been given a list, I'd have happily bought things from that list.
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