seren Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 A hypothetical question, all views appreciated. So, your marriage is finally getting back on track after an A, you and you WS are hunky dory, you have all the truth and OP is no longer in the picture. OP is married, her H is not aware of the A some 3 years ago (you never told), you have 'evidence' of the A, OP is getting on with her life, still having A's but styaing in her M as it isn't too bad and her H has money. Given that the OP often says they don't owe the BS anything to justify the A. Does the BS owe the OP secrecy? Should she now send copies of the 'evidence' to OP's H knowing it will result in the OP marriage going down the tubes? H is OK for BS to do this. What would you do? As the ex OP, what would you expect the BS to do with all the emails, texts you sent at the end of the A, is this something you thought might happen? Do you worry that it will all come out and that your H will find out? This is real time for a friend of mine - I counsel burning the lot, but she sees this as revenge being a dish best served cold.
turnstone Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I can see the validity in both positions but I'd do neither, instead I'd just keep it all. Not burning it, not showing her husband it, just keeping it there and letting the OW know. Let her sweat.
1Angel Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 If your marriage is recovering and on track, I'd let the rest of it go and not rip off scabs. Let the universe, karma or whatever you believe in or not take care of it.
eeyore1981 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I would have (I did) give the person a chance to do the right thing by me, then to hell with them. However, it has been 3 years. If your friend does this now, it will stir this all back up again. Is she prepared for that? She might retaliate against your friend's H, or call and text and egg their house, etc. Me, I would do it, but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do for your friend. I wouldn't have waited 3 years to do it.
confusedinkansas Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 If your marriage is recovering why on earth open up the whole can of worms all over again? Why DWELL on the past - When it is the past in your life now? This is another example of.......Why dwell on the past if the present is great! Why dwell on negativity? Why not move forward with the positive? You said the affair with your husband was 3 years ago. Why are you still holding onto "Evidence"? "Hypothetically speaking of course"
Author seren Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 If your marriage is recovering why on earth open up the whole can of worms all over again? Why DWELL on the past - When it is the past in your life now? This is another example of.......Why dwell on the past if the present is great! Why dwell on negativity? Why not move forward with the positive? You said the affair with your husband was 3 years ago. Why are you still holding onto "Evidence"? "Hypothetically speaking of course" Just to be clear - not my A, not my evidence. I burned all that was sent to me, friend asked as she knew I had been sent emails, texts etc. I too counsel move forward, but recognise that not everyone has my take on things.
foreal Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 A hypothetical question, all views appreciated. So, your marriage is finally getting back on track after an A, you and you WS are hunky dory, you have all the truth and OP is no longer in the picture. OP is married, her H is not aware of the A some 3 years ago (you never told), you have 'evidence' of the A, OP is getting on with her life, still having A's but styaing in her M as it isn't too bad and her H has money. Given that the OP often says they don't owe the BS anything to justify the A. Does the BS owe the OP secrecy? Should she now send copies of the 'evidence' to OP's H knowing it will result in the OP marriage going down the tubes? H is OK for BS to do this. What would you do? As the ex OP, what would you expect the BS to do with all the emails, texts you sent at the end of the A, is this something you thought might happen? Do you worry that it will all come out and that your H will find out? This is real time for a friend of mine - I counsel burning the lot, but she sees this as revenge being a dish best served cold. If not telling the OP's H is keeping your friend from healing, then i say she should go for it. I just exposed the MOW in my case- it took about 8 months though- not 3 years! But it helped me BIG TIME. the question seems to be be WHY your friend has not revealed this to the MOW's H before now..and what is motivating her to do so now?
PhoenixRise Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I wonder why your friend is thinking about revealing this now? IMO your friend should do whatever she needs to do to heal herself. If she thinks she needs to reveal this now to balance the scales then she should. If she feels bad that this secret is being kept from the OW's BS then she should tell. If the thought just crossed her mind that while she and her H suffered and struggled to repair their marriage while OW went back to her M without suffering any consequences at all and it is not fair...then she should tell. OR If she just woke up this morning pissed off because it is Wednesday....then she should tell. AND for me....the only reason I would have refrained from telling for 3 years would be for strategic reasons. AND for me it would not be a matter of me dwelling on the negative all this time....It would just be a matter of taking care of unfinished business.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 3 years is 3 years too late. Now, if contact was made 3 years later, then yah, different story..But it's just plain cruel 3 years later to tell. Just my 3 cents.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Tempting, definitely. I totally understand the motivation for doing it. I'm not saying not to do it. But the BS should consider whether or not doing it would benefit HER, and whether or not it would negatively impact HER and her life. It's okay for it to be a selfish decision. All the facets should be considered, not just the immediate gratification to be gained. Long term consequences too. Somebody else mentioned ripping open an old wound. Another approach is for the BS to content herself with the knowledge that she could, with a few mouse clicks, f*** up the OP's life, but that she (the BS), in her wisdom and mercy, has decided not to do so and instead will allow the OP's world to continue turning without doing so. There's some satisfaction in that.
whattodonow12 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I think that the H of the OW should be taken into consideration here. Just as many people feel that it is not right for the OW to tell the BS about the A... go NC, just let them work the marriage out. The same concept should apply here. To tell 3 years later and to just hurt for revenge purposes does nothing. JMO
imagine Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I believe in a marriage that is honest. If he has definite proof, then it is time to prompt her. Dishonesty will bring down a marriage and may enable continued dishonest behaviour. ie She got away once therefore she will get away twice. His confrontation will help his own recovery. Unless he doesn't care -then he needs a MC.
threebyfate Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Revenge should be served ice cold, with no regret, remorse or crying, afterwards. If this revenge were to backfire on her, she has no right to bitch or moan about it, as she's an adult, hence responsible for her own choices and actions, in life. IMO, her marriage has not recovered, if she's still holding onto the need for revenge. It was dumb of her not to do this three years ago, if she needed restitution. Now three years later, she's contemplating it without telling her H, an H that she supposedly trusts.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I was under the impression that the H was ok with the BS sharing this information. She should do whatever she feels like doing. I don't think its cruel to wait 3 years. Yes, there could be consequences and it could mean inviting the OW back into their lives but she has to make that call. Personally, I would send the OW copies by email and tell her what I was contemplating, infact, I would resnd the email weekly. If and when I finally decided to share the info with her H I would be sure to pick the day well. Anniversary, Christmas Eve, day before a big vacation, ect... If she's going for revenge she might as well make the most of it.
confusedinkansas Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Here's a question too. How is your friend SO sure that the husband doesn't know. It's been 3 years. That's a long time & a lot of things could have happened. I agree with other posters too. She has not moved on & how could the marriage be "repaired" if she is holding on to these things. I say BURN whatever it is she's holding onto & move on. IF she really wants her marriage. She may very well regret it if she brings this woman back into their lives NOW - after such a long time.
threebyfate Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I was under the impression that the H was ok with the BS sharing this information. Do you worry that it will all come out and that your H will find out? I don't know if the H is okay or not but here's what I went by, within the opening post. This gives me the impression that she's not going to tell the H., before proceeding or not. That's not the way to carry on a recovered marriage. You're either willing to bite the bullet and be honest with each other, or the wife is no better than the husband, taking actions that could easily impact on him, without his knowledge or consent.
PhoenixRise Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I don't know if the H is okay or not but here's what I went by, within the opening post. This gives me the impression that she's not going to tell the H., before proceeding or not. That's not the way to carry on a recovered marriage. You're either willing to bite the bullet and be honest with each other, or the wife is no better than the husband, taking actions that could easily impact on him, without his knowledge or consent. Quote: Originally Posted by OP Do you worry that it will all come out and that your H will find out? The bolded quote from the OP is a hypothetical question to the OW in this scenario asking if the OW ever worries that the affair will be exposed to the OW's H. The original poster stated pretty clearly in the OP that the BW has this evidence and the BW's H is ok with the info being exposed to the BH.
threebyfate Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by OP Do you worry that it will all come out and that your H will find out? The bolded quote from the OP is a hypothetical question to the OW in this scenario asking if the OW ever worries that the affair will be exposed to the OW's H. The original poster stated pretty clearly in the OP that the BW has this evidence and the BW's H is ok with the info being exposed to the BH. I just reread the opening post (OP) and you're right. Man is that opening post confusing, since it should be using the acronym OW (other woman), rather than OP. I retract my references about not telling her H but the balance of my comments, remain the same.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Thanks PR. I was having a time trying to multiquote from my phone, The original poster also says this woman is still having affairs. That has a lot to do with my reaponse. I think her H should know, after she's had ample time to stew. This information came from the OW to begin with. I think she should pay it forward!
Author seren Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Thanks for replying, I have asked her why now and it seems OW has moved near to where my friend works and has bumped into her a few times, this has triggered my friend big time as OW knows who she is by sight and, according to friend, smirks when she sees her. Whether she does or not or whether friend is just interpreting this I don't know, just know that it has prompted opening the can of worms. Friends H has said that it is up to her, he has offered to tell OW's H himself, frankly he just wants to move on. I agree with posters who say it will just stir up a storm and that 3 years is way too long, way too long to keep texts etc too, IMO. I have given her details of this site so hopefully she will read replies and just get rid of the dammed things, at the moment she is driving herself crazy reading them again. I am meeting her Friday for drinks and hope we can have a ceremonial burning. OW's H does know she has had A's in the past, but not this one as he knew friends H through sport club. I think it would be stirring up a s***storm that all involved can do without, certainly my friend and her H.
adiaz Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I say send them to her husband, post them online, give them to her family and friends, then move on. But then again I am mean, lol!
moaningmyrtle Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 A hypothetical question, all views appreciated. So, your marriage is finally getting back on track after an A, you and you WS are hunky dory, you have all the truth and OP is no longer in the picture. OP is married, her H is not aware of the A some 3 years ago (you never told), you have 'evidence' of the A, OP is getting on with her life, still having A's but staying in her M as it isn't too bad and her H has money. Given that the OP often says they don't owe the BS anything to justify the A. Does the BS owe the OP secrecy? Should she now send copies of the 'evidence' to OP's H knowing it will result in the OP marriage going down the tubes? H is OK for BS to do this. What would you do? As the ex OP, what would you expect the BS to do with all the emails, texts you sent at the end of the A, is this something you thought might happen? Do you worry that it will all come out and that your H will find out? This is real time for a friend of mine - I counsel burning the lot, but she sees this as revenge being a dish best served cold. No the BW definitely does not owe any secrecy or confidentiality to the OW. But this is not the same as saying that she therefore must take revenge. I think the 3 years is irrelevant. My d-day occurred more than 3 years after the A had ended. It was fresh to me and when I exposed the OW to her family it was fresh to them too. They didn't already know about the A when I told them. Revenge is a personal thing so be very aware of possible consequences before taking it. In fact I couldn't have ruined the OW's life any more than she had stuffed up mine; and certainly no more than she had managed to stuff up her own life (her H died).
road Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 "I have asked her why now and it seems OW has moved near to where my friend works and has bumped into her a few times, this has triggered my friend big time as OW knows who she is by sight and, according to friend, smirks when she sees her." It seems that this BW feels the need to expose and should because with the OW is still triggering her and has not had to deal with her actions. This BW needs to get whatever will help her heal. Three years. Not an issue. There is no time limit to when the truth can not be told. The OWH dserves to know the truth and should be told. Send him the evidence. If her WH gets mad for BW exposing the important question is why is the WH still putting OW first? Why is the WH protecting the OW over his BW? Is having a WH that does these things an XWH? Is this kind of WH worth keeping?
threebyfate Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 seren, if she's prepared to stir up the drama again and NEEDS to do this, especially since her ex-WS is also in agreement, do it. If she's unwilling to take the consequences for her actions, such as, as others have stated, bringing the OW back into her life or finding out more information and details about the original affair which might or might not be true, then LET IT GO!
Dexter Morgan Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Given that the OP often says they don't owe the BS anything to justify the A. Does the BS owe the OP secrecy? FEK NO!!! Should she now send copies of the 'evidence' to OP's H knowing it will result in the OP marriage going down the tubes? H is OK for BS to do this. What would you do? I'd rat the ho out!!! after doing that, the BS can then with their own ho of a husband. As the ex OP, what would you expect the BS to do with all the emails, texts you sent at the end of the A, is this something you thought might happen? remember, the OP doesn't owe the BS anything, therefore they shouldn't care what the BS does....right?
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