McGrupp Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 today on the train i almost lost my mind. i had an insane anxiety attack. really it was over her. i started thinking about her body, how i would never kiss or see her again, the mistakes i made, the uncertainty of my life without her. my mind started racing, i had to get up and walk the train. my hands are shaking now thinking about it. and then i realized i am making myself extremely sick. I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF. wtf! i dont want to live like this anymore. i ****ed up. so what. ill be lonely for a bit. but goddamn it was insane. can anyone recoment some literature on controlling anxiety naturally?
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Sounds like you did the right thing -walking. Always pick a seat where you will be able to get up and move. Anticipate it will happen every time. And it will reduce its power over you. The anxiety attacks are related to your exhaustion. The body can only take so much stimulation and it starts firing back with warning signals of its own. These are warning shots over the bow - by your body.
Author McGrupp Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 im feel like im torturing and punishing myself. by going over and over in my head with my mistakes. im sleeping less and less as opposed to more and more. i feel like im still in the fight/flight stage. very scary. i have to accept and start building my health up or i am going to get very physically ill maybe im scared to let go because then it is truly over. but tomrrow will come no matter what. i dont want to become a crazy person. 3 months of this and its changing who i am.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 What comes after flight/fight? I guess recovery? I don't know. Strong people take a long time to bring to their knees. One of the disadvantages of being strong. But they are fallible, just like everyone else. Just takes us a lot longer to reach breaking point. When I had high blood pressure at age 35 I knew it was time to leave my marriage. I didn't want to die of a heart attack before my son graduated. we think our health is endless. But it isn't.
Author McGrupp Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 it is weird because i believe the world is judging me differently because i dont have her. of course they are not. but i used her as a crutch for a lack of confidence. i feel like when i walk down the street or sit on a train i am now in complete and less then other people. not worthy and not only that but that i should be punished and dont deserve good things. its horrible. i really have to get my head up and walk tall. my brain wont let me though
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Figuring out the problem is 1/2 the battle. The fact that you were able to figure that out is huge. It explains why you had the attack there.. Probably at work you have your own private office? Is the train the main place you are in contact with humanity in close quarters (other than family friends?)
Author McGrupp Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 yup. i work alone completely except on saturdays and those people are like family. going to a concert tonight, and tomorrow and im a little afraid that im becoming agorophobic. eesh i dont want to lose myself here because of one gal
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I have a bit of that as well. (agrophobia) Just be aware of it, and make sure you understand that crowds are tiring, so you don't make the day too long. You can do crowds, just not when you are super tired. Anticipate you will get an attack and have a plan, e.g. pacing for 10 mins until it subsides. That way it is like any other bodily function, you are used to it, you have a plan, and you don't let it interfere with you living your life. I remember I had a medical problem a long time ago and the specialist gave me the best advice - he said - you are giving this medical problem way too much power over you. Within a year, I pretty much was symptom free. He sort of embarassed me into not being so anxious about it - which helped heal me.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Going back to the confidence issue, my reading of the situation is that your personality type is like osmosis. Remember osmosis from biology? You absorb the opinions of the people around you and bring them into your core and those opinions define you. Your girlfriend is not with you and so you have personalized that rejection as you being an unworthy person and you should be punished and don't deserve good things. So knowing that about yourself....what kind of people should you surround yourself with?
Author McGrupp Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 not sure. supportive? basically everyone in my life stil loves me and doesnt care (of course) about her anymore. i on the other hand cant let her go. the thoughts of her with another oand the thoughts of driving her away and what she know thinks of me and thse moments and so on CONSUME ME.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 It goes beyond someone loving you / supporting you - re reflections back. Do you have an addictive personality by the way? If so, she is your heroin. That is why you are "consumed" with thoughts of her. The more stress you are under, the more you will turn to your "heroin" for a fix. You have a two pronged problem 1. You don't have a truly specatular image being mirrored back to you (which affects your self confidence). 2. You are addicted to thoughts of your ex (which keeps you in the dark pit). I'm no therapist, but those strike as your two big problems.
Author McGrupp Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) yup and yup. my self esteem i can fake. but for some reason i feel like the world is judging me especialy now that im alone. i can still walk into a packed bar or club and feel okay with myself. im just so inside my head. 2) def addicted to her. its why im her in the first place. neediness and clinginess. she is my herion. the reason why i broke NC so many times, for the quick fix, even if it was a bad way to do it. i still "need" her and find myself thinking abut going to her apt. just to see her even though i know the rejection will be enormous. i dont have an addictive personality per se...but maybe now. Edited December 2, 2009 by McGrupp
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 OK, so we've isolated the two problems. Possible solutions: 1. Spectacular image mirroring back = get a spectacular girlfriend 2. Find out the treatment when have addictive personality disorder. My former spouse has an addictive personality. I confess to manipulating him at times. He was using drugs and so I told him stop drugs and I introduced him to online poker. At least it got the drugs out of my house. So the "quickie" solution to an addiction for an addictive personality disorder is to substitute it with another addiction. Problem is, I think you already have several addictions going, with no end in sight. Thought I could be mis-judging you. You need to realize it is a mis-fire in your brain. You need to decide to auto-pilot around the mis-fire every time. Redirect the impulse into something else. You already know this. But continue to cling to her. Ergo - you are CHOOSING this hell. Over and over you are choosing this. If you had a son, would you want this life for him?
Author McGrupp Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 absolutely not. i dont want to put pressure on myself for another GF cause who knows when that could be. i need to have success in my life and fulfillment to fill that void i think in the short term. truthfully another addiction miht be LS as i feel my anxiety calm when im here. not good
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 LS is fine. How about adding a filter to your life - making the choice you would make for your son. Sometimes we choose better for our children than we would ourselves. When you feel yourself going into a thought-circle, pull yourself out by thinking about whether you would want your son dwelling in it, if you were him. ie try to redirect your brain through self-care.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 What is wrong with the idea of getting a girlfriend? This comes back to you thinking you are undeserving. Maybe some of this is that you are lonely.
Author McGrupp Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 a lot of this is because i am lonely. in fact 90% of it i would say. my confidence isnt bad. im just not at all over my ex and any girl i might goes okay at first and then i sabotage it. i have been out of the game for a bit. im trying to live in the now and all that, but then the little thoughts creep in. its the worst in bed lately. i need time. NC is my friend and a geat tool that i have not used.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 It is like groundhog day with you. You keep doing your own thing, and all you accomplish is exhaustion. What I can't figure out is whether it is the exhaustion that keeps you from moving forward, or stubbornly refusing to move forward. ie is the exhaustion the problem, or is your mindset the problem I don't know. Perhaps it is both, and they feed into each other. All I know is that there is a barrier to your healing naturally. And your frame of reference has become very narrow. I'm not criticizing you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't care about you. My job - my duty - is to hold the mirror up to you until your self-preservation instinct kicks in.
Author McGrupp Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 And your frame of reference has become very narrow. what do u mean by this?
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 You give off a vibe like you have been institutionalized. And I don't mean literally. But that feeling of being trapped in a lifestyle that has you prisoner. And you just lurch forward hour by hour. There is no destination.
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