Reveal all to the BS or not?

[howcouldInotknow]

My question to you is the same as for Sky re the bolded part above. What exactly is it you would be willing to do to ensure a BW who confronted you (I'm assuming not violently or illegally) was scathed by you? Would you be willing to do physical damage to people or property? Anything otherwise illegal?

 

Also if exposure is not a concern to you what else is there a BW could even do - again assuming nothing illegal.

 

It does seem to me that either a BW or an OW who wants "revenge" on the other, but wants to avoid illegality has to be very creative in getting that revenge.

 

 

Honestly I have no desire for revenge that is why I would not tell her anything because it would hurt her. Hurt and anger or not I will not allow ANYONE to aggressively confront me regardless of my actions. I wouldn't damage or destroy property nor would I resort to violence unless she takes it there.

 

You have also captured the point there is nothing the BW can do that would damage me other than not respecting the fact that I do not want to talk to her. I could care less what her husband says about me after D-day. What that man or his wife thinks of me will probably never matter to me again in life.

[howcouldInotknow]

But how would you ruin or finish her?

 

 

She is elected to her job. How would voters react to her own homewrecking activities?

[moaningmyrtle]

Honestly I have no desire for revenge that is why I would not tell her anything because it would hurt her. Hurt and anger or not I will not allow ANYONE to aggressively confront me regardless of my actions. I wouldn't damage or destroy property nor would I resort to violence unless she takes it there.

 

You have also captured the point there is nothing the BW can do that would damage me other than not respecting the fact that I do not want to talk to her. I could care less what her husband says about me after D-day. What that man or his wife thinks of me will probably never matter to me again in life.

 

The way I see it, exposure (humiliation etc) is a big fear of the affair partners in most cases; which makes it the "weapon" of choice for BSs. In most case exposure is not such a major concern to the BS - once there is a d-day that horse has already bolted.

 

If it's not a fear of the APs it's hard to see how an affair got going in the first place - why was any secrecy about the A even necessary?

 

But back to my earlier question how exactly would you ruin a BW?

[howcouldInotknow]

Her career as someone in holding a public office would be ruined. I can guarantee you that is enough of a threat to make her leave me alone. I work in PR so information sent to the right places will be humiliating to her and ruinous to her career. Remember this is her livelihood. Her public image would be ruined. Would the people of her uppercrust yuppy town re-elect her. I promise you not. Would she be embarrassed? Yes.

 

Its not something I would set out to do if she approaches me as a woman seeking answers. I do not feel I am the one to give them to her. I know BW who think they are going to make hell rain down on the OW. I would not be kind to a BW like that. The energy you are going to spend trying to punish me invest it in fixing your marriage. Teach me a lesson that way

Edited December 3, 2009 by howcouldInotknow

[moaningmyrtle]

Her career as someone in holding a public office would be ruined. I can guarantee you that is enough of a threat to make her leave me alone. I work in PR so information sent to the right places will be humiliating to her and ruinous to her career. Remember this is her livelihood. Her public image would be ruined. Would the people of her uppercrust yuppy town re-elect her. I promise you not. Would she be embarrassed? Yes.

 

This has just happened in my state - literally our top elected official. The OW went public with all the details - and it is she that has now fled the state. Our next election is in March(?) so it will be interesting to see how the votes go. So far there seems to be very little damage to the BW who has received only sympathy.

[howcouldInotknow]

I met her husband when they were separated we never dated when they were together so technically I am not really an other woman. She packed up and left him one day for another man. After some time the OM left her and she came crawling back. In my case if she has much more to lose than I. Fu

[moaningmyrtle]

Her career as someone in holding a public office would be ruined. I can guarantee you that is enough of a threat to make her leave me alone. I work in PR so information sent to the right places will be humiliating to her and ruinous to her career. Remember this is her livelihood. Her public image would be ruined. Would the people of her uppercrust yuppy town re-elect her. I promise you not. Would she be embarrassed? Yes.

 

Its not something I would set out to do if she approaches me as a woman seeking answers. I do not feel I am the one to give them to her. I know BW who think they are going to make hell rain down on the OW. I would not be kind to a BW like that. The energy you are going to spend trying to punish me invest it in fixing your marriage. Teach me a lesson that way

 

You changed your post. Re the bolded part - it seems to me that you (and Sky), who are both OW, are the ones threatening to make hell rain down.

 

My preference was just exposure and humiliation - these seemed quite effective to me.

[moaningmyrtle]

I met her husband when they were separated we never dated when they were together so technically I am not really an other woman. She packed up and left him one day for another man. After some time the OM left her and she came crawling back. In my case if she has much more to lose than I. Fu

 

Yes she does not seem to be the usual completely innocent BW.

 

"Fu"??

 

Is this some sort of insult directed at me? I thought we were having a polite exchange?

[Impudent Oyster]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

 

Absolutely, yes. I have always contended that if my MM or his W purposefully caused any complications in my life because of d-day my goal would become to emotionally destroy her and any chance of reconciliation beyond belief. I’m just the type of person that if you screw me, I’m going to get revenge somehow. I expect my MM to throw me under the bus if his W finds out, but I also expect him to protect me like I have protected him for years. If d-day came and his W contacted me after the A for information, I would still protect him. But not after causing problems with my family and at work.

 

My MM and I don’t email/text, but I have collected incriminating evidence just in case this situation arises. I have cell records of him calling at all hours 50-80 times a month, video of him with me coming and going from my place, about 2hrs of voice messages from him, and a couple of souvenirs that can be proven to be his. I could also cause MM severe problems at his work, but it would have to go pretty far for me to do that because it could really cause a lot of additionally damage. If he continued to let the BW cause problems then I would probably take it to his job.

 

I think every MM contemplating an affair should read this post.

 

All I can say is...wait, nevermind. I'd be banned.

[howcouldInotknow]

Myrtle you are a BW so your opinion will always be different from mine. I am not threatening because. Personally I would like to keep things no contact all the way. D-Day comes you stay in your marriage IMO forget the other woman. Don't ask questions, don't approach her or anything like that. No one is going to confront me with a hostile attitude and not expect it to escalate. Its all about how you approach the situation. I am not afraid of anyone. I am not going to hide slink and run from anyone because of anything I have done.

[howcouldInotknow]

Yes she does not seem to be the usual completely innocent BW.

 

"Fu"??

 

Is this some sort of insult directed at me? I thought we were having a polite exchange?

 

 

It was actually supposed to be furthermore but I must have hit submit. Can you people relax

[howcouldInotknow]

Okay.... let's think about how this would play out.

 

She has a public office job, and "comes after you". what would you do? Spread it around that you slept with her husband? Come on, seriously, how would that look? Do you really feel that you'd be hurting her- it sounds much more like you'd be hurting yourself. You may as well pin the proverbial "Scarlett letter A" to yourself.

 

Like I put on another thread. I am a very calm, quiet person. If the OW just left things alone, i would be more than happy to leave her alone. But that isn't going to happen, and I don't think she even has any idea how her world will come crashing down around her. What will she do- spread gossip that she slept with my husband? People would just end up thinking badly of her, not me.

 

Again, once the affair is over, it's probably best for everyone just to stay as far away from one another as possible.

 

 

You did not read and understand what I have posted.

[Impudent Oyster]

Originally Posted by frozensprouts

so you can frig up her life, and expect her to just accept it, but you feel she owes YOU some kind of courtesy?

 

However, I do expect the H to show me ALL kinds of courtesy as in he’s not going to let the W do things to screw me over.

 

Wow..seriously, you have some kind of balls lady.

 

You didn't think twice about screwing her over, did you?

 

If you weren't doing anything wrong, then what are you worried about? So what if your friends and family find out you were sleeping with a married man.

[Alpha Female]

Our M is none of her business now and as far as I'm concerned never has been.

 

Unfortunately, it became her business as soon as your H invited her into your M.

 

It's my opinion that in cases where the MM decides to recommit to the M, that he is seriously down-playing the extent of his feelings for the OW to his BW. And OW knows this. She is trying to send you info that shows how deeply he cared for her, what they shared, etc., in order to either break you up, or cause trouble for him in some other way. You are right - she's not doing this as a sign of sisterhood.

 

I wouldn't read any of it, personally. If you are your H are working things out, then let their past be just that.

 

Continue to ignore her, and focus on your M.

[Impudent Oyster]

 

If it boiled down to that scenario for me, no one wins. The way my life is structured is a very delicate and complicated situation. Exposing the A to people who are important to me would be very destructive.

 

Oh hey, here's a wild idea, if the exposure of your affair would be so damn destructive to you, maybe you ought not be having one?

 

Just a thought.

[Impudent Oyster]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

 

You do realise that puts you in a very vulnerable positions if there's ever a d-day don't you?

Yes, I do realize it, but the W doesn’t know ANYTHING about me. For her to be able to expose me, he’d have to supply her with all the accurate info.

 

Not necessarily.

 

What if she hires a PI?

[Impudent Oyster]

skylar, doing the "flyer" idea might actually be illegal (don't know the laws where you live), and would only end up making you look worse than you'd ever make her look .

 

Right? The flyer idea is just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard of...what would it say "Jane Does husband and I are having an affair?"

 

How is that supposed to hurt Jane Doe? The only people it embarrasses are John Doe and the OW, and frankly, makes the OW look like a bunny boiling maniac, which, if she did this, she certainly would be.

[moaningmyrtle]

It was actually supposed to be furthermore but I must have hit submit. Can you people relax

 

First of all I missed one of your posts in the exchange so I kept asking a question you'd already answered. Sorry about that.

 

Secondly I am very relaxed - not at all upset by what you've been saying - I should have put a smiley or something there as I figured it most likely a mistake but wasn't quite certain.

 

Keep posting - I appreciate you are only talking hypothetically as none of this is actually happening in your case and in mine it's already happened. [i mean the exposure of the OW.]

[moaningmyrtle]

Unfortunately, it became her business as soon as your H invited her into your M.

 

Not all OW would agree and my H seems to think our M and his A were separate - but yes I tend to agree with you. Not that I ever wanted her in my marriage.

 

It's my opinion that in cases where the MM decides to recommit to the M, that he is seriously down-playing the extent of his feelings for the OW to his BW. And OW knows this. She is trying to send you info that shows how deeply he cared for her, what they shared, etc., in order to either break you up, or cause trouble for him in some other way. You are right - she's not doing this as a sign of sisterhood.

 

I think this is something many OW like to think but I don't believe it's universal. My H had a real choice at d-day as his OW had recently become single and desperately needed him. The problem was she had ended the A without his agreement, more than 3 years earlier (to work on her own marriage). My lovely H saw an opportunity to resurrect the A but before this could happen d-day occurred.

 

I wouldn't read any of it, personally. If you are your H are working things out, then let their past be just that.

 

Unfortunately I have already read so much of it - both the e-mails when the A was at its height and the ones where they were trying to start up again. I know there's more and that only she has copies now. I did actually tell her the ones I had read and I gather while there are more they are much the same. She seemed surprised that I want to continue with him having read them.

 

Continue to ignore her, and focus on your M.

 

You are probably right.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

…The only way the MM is going to be able to protect the OW in any way, is if he wants out of the marriage. If not he will have to reveal all about the A to the BW in order to get what he wants (to stay)…I knew nothing of the OW before d-day, but within a short time I knew so much about her - her family, her children, her H, where she had worked, who else she had As with, her financial situation, her illnesses, her medications, her cars and her sexual preferences. Her privacy was one of the many prices my H was willing to pay to keep his family…As for the e-mails between them… I felt it likely that she thought it was the one remaining card up her sleeve

 

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

You changed your post. Re the bolded part - it seems to me that you (and Sky), who are both OW, are the ones threatening to make hell rain down.

My preference was just exposure and humiliation - these seemed quite effective to me.

 

I agree that it’s probably the only thing she has over you. Details about my MM and the A and exposing it is the only thing I really have over the W, much more than she has over me, but I have no doubt that I would absolutely crush her. She has no idea. BW and I are kinda in the same boat. Our consequences (although I’m not married nor have kids) would kinda be the same. If she’s smart (and him too) she wouldn’t take it there. Even though it doesn’t seem like I have a lot over the BW, like I said earlier, I will make it my goal to destroy her and him if he aids her. Again, I’m just that type of person. I have done effective things (legal and illegal) to get back before. I’m not above it. And I have no problem going down with the ship if I have to to reach my goal. Exposure and humiliation are quite effective. And I am absolutely threatening to make hell rain down if need be.

I don’t know what my MM would have to do if d-day came. He’s told me he’s not worried about it ever happening. I’ve just always assumed he’d be able to keep the situation under control – to protect me and him. I never thought about the W demanding to know or he giving me up to the extent you described to save his M. I think that’d be pretty f*cked up. And I hope he knows it’ll be the wrong idea. I’m okay with him doing/saying whatever he has to just don’t tell her who I am, where I live or my ph#. But I’m so prepared to go to war if I have to.

[Impudent Oyster]

I agree that it’s probably the only thing she has over you. Details about my MM and the A and exposing it is the only thing I really have over the W, much more than she has over me, but I have no doubt that I would absolutely crush her. She has no idea. BW and I are kinda in the same boat. Our consequences (although I’m not married nor have kids) would kinda be the same. If she’s smart (and him too) she wouldn’t take it there. Even though it doesn’t seem like I have a lot over the BW, like I said earlier, I will make it my goal to destroy her and him if he aids her. Again, I’m just that type of person. I have done effective things (legal and illegal) to get back before. I’m not above it. And I have no problem going down with the ship if I have to to reach my goal. Exposure and humiliation are quite effective. And I am absolutely threatening to make hell rain down if need be.

.

 

Have you considered therapy?

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by impudent oyster

Wow..seriously, you have some kind of balls lady.

You didn't think twice about screwing her over, did you?

If you weren't doing anything wrong, then what are you worried about? So what if your friends and family find out you were sleeping with a married man.

 

Really? Whose the one that f*cked around on her. Not me. I don’t really feel like I’m to blame for the A. He chose to have it. I’m sure she contributed to it happening. Even if she didn’t, she picked him as her H - that’s her fault. The real blame is between them. I didn’t screw anybody.

Some people do know I’m seeing a MM, but nothing about his identity. They know because they don’t care. Only a couple of people in my life would care. It doesn’t bother me what they’d think about me personally, but my life’s structure would change (I’d have to some fast talking and extreme manipulation/persuasion to repair it). I don’t want to have to deal with it.

 

Originally Posted by impudent oyster

Right? The flyer idea is just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard of...what would it say "Jane Does husband and I are having an affair?"

How is that supposed to hurt Jane Doe? The only people it embarrasses are John Doe and the OW, and frankly, makes the OW look like a bunny boiling maniac, which, if she did this, she certainly would be.

 

If you read my post it said I would identify her by name, address and phone if I wanted. I wouldn’t put my name in it. We don't live or run in the same circle. It would be like a National Enquirer story by an anonymous third source. I'd put a flyer in every mailbox if I wanted. And FYI, I had to do it before. Not in the same situation. Plastered the whole area with them. Even made pamphlets and set up a little spot for them. Completely humiliated the person. Everyone was talking, everyone knew. Police were called once. No one could prove a thing. Very effective. Humiliation often is. As for me, I don’t really care what people think about me anyway. Most people know how I am. I only care about my fairly easy lifestyle being interrupted. And for the record, I am a bunny boiling maniac if you screw me over.

[White Flower]

I have a question which is really about what an OW might be thinking but anyone is welcome to give an answer.

 

The assumptions are:

 

1. You are an OW.

2. There has been a d-day that was traumatic for the BW, the MM and the OW. This occurred months ago.

3. The MM decided to stay with his wife and ended it with you. NC has been maintained ever since. You are fairly sure the MM will never want to resume the A. You are wavering about whether you would want to be with him if his M broke up.

4. You as the OW are either angry or sad or both at the unexpected and abrupt end of the A.

5. You believe that the MM has not come completely clean with his wife about the A. You hinted this to her but she has never followed it up with you.

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

7. You have "incriminating" e-mails that will reveal the full extent and nature of the A.

 

My question is do you feel the BW ought to have the e-mails (or the full facts), do you feel any urge to reveal them to her or do you feel you need to keep them a secret?

 

Any thoughts please?

If she has chosen to bury her head in the sand that is her prerogotive. If she wanted more information, she would have taken you up on your hints. No, I wouldn't give her any more info if she hasn't asked for it. And if he has made his choice, then she's better off not knowing.

 

That is not to say I wouldn't have urges to tell. I'd just squelch them unless she came to me and asked.

 

Had I been the BW in this story I would have met you for coffee and asked for everything you had on him so I would know how to proceed. But so many BSs just can't deal with large sums of bad news because it is just easier to move on once the relief sets in when the WS choses to stay home.

 

Our dismay over someone's chosing the other doesn't give us the right to dump bad news on the chosen. Yes, they should know what is going on, but they have to want the news and be ready for it when it comes crashing down. They're not ready unless they ask.

[bentnotbroken]

And for the record, I am a bunny boiling maniac if you screw me over.

 

I know it was a movie, but the bunny boiling maniac dies at the hand of the BS. Maybe not such a good statement to make about one's self.

[Virgo1982]

I have been on a date with a guy twice in one week and his fiance called me that same week in a pretty hostile manner to let me know she was his fiance. I could have gave a rats patootie. IT WAS ONLY TWO DATES. Anyway, she proceeded to interrogate me. I did not answer her questions, but told her that she should speak with him. She then asked why I was protecting him. I told her I was not protecting him and the best thing I could tell her was that if she did not feel like she could get the answers to her questions from her fiance, she should probably reevaluate her relationship. I was polite and she was polite when we disconnected. She also never called me again, but he did .

 

Point is, I would not discuss anything with her because I did not know he was attached and I did not know her. The fact that she called me after we went on two dates tells me she must have lots of trouble with him chasing other women. If a BW asked me some questions, I would answer them if she was asking facts about the affair to make a decision, but I would not speak with a BW who was being nasty or trying to ask me questions about my feelings or state of mind, etc. I would never go so far as to try and seek revenge or reveal all because I am hurt or angry because I do not see the point. Either he will cheat again or they will work on their M or they will divorce-maybe a combination of those scenarios, IDK.