dblhel1x Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Been married about 18 years and 3 kids younger than 16. My spouse has left our marriage several times (3 or 4) over the years and always came back soon, but once waited 6 months. Probably has had at least a couple of short term emotional/physical affairs during the course of our marriage. She wanted out of the marriage several months ago but wanted me back after a couple of weeks and after she scheduled major reconstructive surgery (breast/tummy). Things progressed well with counseling for a few months. Over the last few weeks; she has become very emotionally detached again. The reason she gives is unresolved anger she has for me for any of the negative things done to her during the course of the early parts of our relationship (no infidelity or abuse but mostly petty, immature, and mutual arguments). She states the infamous "I love you, but I don't love you" claims. She also doubts that she married for the right intentions. She is nearing 40 and is very fit and attractive for her age. I am not too insecure but I clearly married well above my ability concerning the physical attributes. She attracts attention and enjoys it. She recently described her desire to to stay married ( I have a good, professional career and we have a very nice home that we could not afford if we divorce) but she would like to have a more open relationship. She says that "everyone has affairs now". I am sure it is just a matter of time and I did draw a line at cheating. I have always been committed but I am now reluctant to stick this one out. Do I ride the wave until the cheating happens-she always seems to come back when she figures things out. I fear that she has some minor psychological issues including depression. I love her and love the ideal of having an intact family but ...
nobmagnet Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 But..........indeed. Welcome to loveshack. So sorry to hear you are having a rotten time. Its not an easy situation you are in and I feel for you. Are you still having Marrige councilling? An open relationship trully is a disgusting request on her behalf and totally out of line. I would say to her that it is a disgusting request and are appaulled at her complete lack of respect for your feelings and marriage. Keep posting honey. x
TaraMaiden Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Been married about 18 years and 3 kids younger than 16. My spouse has left our marriage several times (3 or 4) over the years and always came back soon, but once waited 6 months. (. . .) I love her and love the ideal of having an intact family but ... You don't have an intact family. You have 3 children and a spouse who is there in body but absent in mind and spirit, if not all the time, then definitely most of it. There is no marriage. There hasn't been from the second time she cheated. The first might have opened opportunities to salvage it, but this limit has looooong since passed. I suggest you read a thread by a member called WinterPain ('Wife messing with my head') and follow his lead. I agree the presence of children makes the situation a lot more difficult. But not impossible. Serve papers, and end it. It's the kindest thing you could possibly do. For yourself and the children. Oh, and file for full custody with support from her. if she has the money for plastic surgery to satisfy her egotistic selfish vain whims, (or was it medically essential?) she can afford to pay maintenance. If you paid - it stops here and she can sag and give in to gravity like the rest of us!
lkjh Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Sorry but she has probably already cheated, she is superficial and that is a bad trait for a wife. You are around 40 which means you can still meet someone else and live a good life. Why are you going to stay with someone who is so selfish? Next time she tells you that she is angry about the past, tell so are you(because she has left the family several times out of selfishness) and then tell you are also about the present and future. If she hasn't had the surgery yet dont pay for it. Also, she is using you as a paycheck for her fun lifestyle. she is not worth it
FeelingLonely98 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 What made her "come back" emotionally each time and why did you accept her? Did she say she now loved you and was in love with you each time? BTW, "I love you but I am not in love with you", 99 times out of 100 means I am having an affair and want to continue it.
mark982 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 run,run,run. this womans only "asking" for a open marriage,cause she's already boinking someone else,and don't want to be afraid of being caught. she's left you 3-4 times cause she was in relationships, then came home when they were over. just drop her and move on.
Author dblhel1x Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 She had the elective cosmetic surgery just a week after a 4week separation. I spent several days at home aiding the recovery. She had had a meltdown during the 4 weeks she had asked me to leave and needed the stability I offer. Again, admitting love and a need to have me in her life, but not "LOVE". I thought, being a male, this is something I could fix eventually (as before). I doubt that she is currently involved with another man-just yet. Many of our recent issues stem with an old childhood, and female, friend that she reunited with about a year ago. This person is divorced, very outgoing, strong-willed, fun, free-spirited, and sexually promiscuous. My wife greatly admires this person and shares a very tight, almost freaky, bond with her. I have no doubt that this women is anything other than hetero so I am not too concerned about them being sexually involved. This women is not my favorite person due to her moral values but I have been mostly tolerant. I think that she is currently filling my wife's emotional void. My wife admits that she loves her strong character and her "fun" life - is 38 too young for a mid-life crisis? I think that I would almost like to have her admit to an affair so that I have reason to walk without feeling that I gave up. I have a problem with failure or the feeling that I quit. I also think she would eventually want me back. Maybe she can figure her self out if she thinks that I will walk? She (we) cannot afford to divorce due to current financial obligations- new house, etc. At least until the house could be sold. She also could not support herself financially, at least currently. She would need to find a sugar daddy (is that not me?) or a much better job. I agree that she wants her cake and eating it too. I also greatly fear for the kids and their lifestyle and all the changes that we have had during the last year. I do love, and am very attracted to her, but also see her faults and agree that she is superficial and selfish but to continue the almost comical cycle that we have had over the years-I seem to make her quit me and in a sad way I hope this happens soon (for the first time in our 20 years together, I think I am (sadly) finally giving up on her).
Reading Machine Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Dude! She has no respect for you. If you allow a woman to treat you like this you have no respect for yourself. Put her on the road. You can get another woman that will treat you like a man. However, you have to be one. Stand up for yourself. Once you do this you will be surprized how much better you will feel about yourself. You will also see a big change in the way people treat you. No one respects a doormat. It is not fair to you or your children to accept this type of behavoir from anyone. Draw the line in the sand and dare her to cross it. Man-up brother.
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