Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 you can still love someone and never be with them, never see them again. OP does need to make a firm decision and stick to it. i only hope this does involve getting her power back. she now has a lot of years invested into this man that has never made her the priority first and foremost. get your power back and become the best you know how to be, a happy, free woman! one who has a healthy boundary that keeps her happy and safe. you deserve it! Thank you for saying that I deserve to be happy, that means a lot to me.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 isn't is possible that the wife realy does LOVE her husband, even though he betrayed her, and she wants to stay i the marraige because of that? there's every possibility she loves him, and wanting to stay has nothing to do with the kids, finances, the triumph of "winning' him from the other woman or anything else. Her love for her husband is every but as valid as the love the other woamn feels for him. I don't think either one of their actions proved that they loved each other. both of them
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Love means trying to be your best self for yourself and for your partner. It means regularly checking in with your partner, checking if he feels happy, if he feels that his needs are met. Taking your partner for granted is NOT love. It's not because there is a routine and a history that it is love. It takes more than that. Thinking "He is mine because I have already put up with him for 20 years" is not love. It's very different from a woman who works, has her own income and has built up her own life. It means that even if you divorce you have a lot of things which remain the same. I agree and I have always said that even before I ever was in this affair with him, before I knew him.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 and, by the way, the "love ' that some OW say they feel for MM often sounds a heck of a lot more like 'desperation' and 'addiction' than anything else (I can't live without him, it hurts so much, i am in so much pain, I know it's wrong, but I can't stop, I feel horrible about what I am doing, but I can't stop it, it hurts me so much every time he leaves me to go home to his wife and family)- how is THAT love? Why should 'love' hurt like that, right from the start? The MM is lying to her, to his wife, to everyone else, so the relationship is built on a foundation of lies ( mind you, not every affair is like that- every relationship is different, some wives know about the affairs, but look the other way, are having affairs themselves, ARE just staying for the kids, money, etc. - again, every relationship is different I do not love him out of desperation. Underneath all the bs that has gone on he is a good man. I am sorry but put yourself in the position of really truly loving someone and then one day- bam they are gone. Tell me how you would feel? Its not so easy. I know what I have done is wrong, I live with that everyday but my feelings are real for him.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 CC, I am so sorry you're hurting. You're so right, affairs are terribly painful, for all involved. thank you. this is the biggest mistake of my life, and I have made a few! This married guy will still try to keep you on a string, but if he has any remorse of good character at all, he will stay away from you and work on his marriage, whether to fix it or work to disolve it. yes he doesnt want to lose me but I cant talk to him while he is going through this and I struggle because I want to be there so bad for him. I hurt for him. I know things are not easy for him. In the meantime, focus on you and getting well. I never advocate medications, especially antidepressant, so for me, I would say, feel the pain and don't pollute your body with mild altering meds over some guy. Feeling the pain is not a bad thing and should be embraced. Whatever you decide, I wish you well I have never been the type of person to turn to pills. First time in my life I am going to because I have to. My work doesn't allow for breakdowns in the middle of the day and I can not have that happening. thank you for your well wishes I appreciate it.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I think it says something that he told his W about you knowing it would result in his being kicked out. My guess is that he felt guilty, and wanted to take all the blame, so the easiest way out was to tell her of the A. It sounds like an "exit affair", despite what the BS's are saying here. Guard you heart and watch his actions. Now is when the yo-yoing begins. I am going to guard my heart. He knew full well when he said that to her that she was not going to want to work it out. We shall see what happens
2sunny Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I won't be around for that. I left him a message after speaking to him telling him he needs to figure his life out be perfectly clear with your words to him. telling him to figure out his life is totally different than a simple "it's over - don't call me" figure out your life means very little to a man. decide what you want for YOU - then tell him specifically what that decision is. i know it's hard. i've had a friend like this... it does get easier after time changes things... big hugs!
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Ofcourse that's not carved in stone, obviously. For all we know his wife could kick him out. Or maybe she wants to give him a chance..Who knows, time will tell.. But, if you are the OW, do you really want your MM this way? All because HE didn't actually have the courage end it, and his wife did? He DID tell her (OW) before he confessed to his wife that he wanted to work on his marriage. He was struggling with working it out for the sake of his kid. He has told me that, he said it was not about her. He told me that he spoke to one of his friends last week about this. I spoke to this friend today and asked how that conversation went, what was he struggling with? He said that he was torn between staying with his kid, being in a miserable marriage and losing me forever. He also said that mm said that the only problem him and I had was the fact that he was married.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 CC, I'm sorry you're going through this and I know some of how you're feeling. I did like what you said about those that are just entering into what could be an affair. I agree. I don't wish any of this pain on anyone. You're right, though the highs are REALLY REALLY high and wonderful, the lows are debilitatingly low. Anxiety and ache and all kinds of emotions and worry and confusion. For those that its not too late for, RUN AWAY and FAST!!! I hope everything works out the way you want. Be strong and hang in there. thank you for being understanding.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Maybe I'm confused, but I thought what you quoted was from before when he supposedly broke it off with her. He sounds similar to AlphaFemales guy - he broke it off to work on the marriage and then quickly changed his mind. CC said later that he's telling her that there's nothing left to work on. And I thought that the W actually DID kick him out. Anyway, I suppose if I loved someone that much, the "proper" way wouldn't matter so much. It was his decision to tell his wife afterall, he did not have to do that. Just because he had manipulative intentions (telling his W of the A so she'd end the M and he wouldn't have to) doesn't necessarily nullify the gesture. Sure, that was cowardly, but what exactly is the "right" way to leave your spouse for another person? At least he was honest. She did kick him out. He didn't have to tell her. He let the chips fall wherever they may fall.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 be perfectly clear with your words to him. telling him to figure out his life is totally different than a simple "it's over - don't call me" figure out your life means very little to a man. decide what you want for YOU - then tell him specifically what that decision is. i know it's hard. i've had a friend like this... it does get easier after time changes things... big hugs! I know I have to build myself up to tell him that he can never contact me again. thanks
Boundary Problem Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 He needs to stabilize. But you and he predicted his marriage wouldn't survive the disclosure. I guess the question is whether he is going to file for divorce or if there is another waiting game as he waits for his W to file for divorce. Until they are divorced, I don't see security for you re emotionally investing further in him.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 He needs to stabilize. But you and he predicted his marriage wouldn't survive the disclosure. I guess the question is whether he is going to file for divorce or if there is another waiting game as he waits for his W to file for divorce. Until they are divorced, I don't see security for you re emotionally investing further in him. I don't know what the future holds at this point. I am so tired, I havent eaten all day and I am mentally exhausted from all of this.
Boundary Problem Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Is there any way you can take a holiday by yourself or something. Sometimes we get ourselves into intense situations and it is healthy to take a break - physically and emotionally - to re-charge.
fooled once Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I have to say that I find it amusing that some of you think you know everythiing about everybody & their situation because you don't. . :oWho said they knew everything about another person? I was going off YOUR post. Anyway I did not keep calling him I called him once, he told me that he didn't want me out of his life. I said that I needed meds because I need to clear my head. I know that part my life is over. I was his friend and I was not humiliated. He understands me and has never made me feel like a charity case, I know he cares & loves me. I will fully admit that I am having a hard time with not talking to him, as is he. That's great! I am out, I am done with all of that. The most we can be at this point is friends. Maybe somewhere down the road we can reconnect but right now I have to go on living my life. He knows this. I feel somewhat torn btwn being his friend and just abandoning him to deal with things on his own. We are very close and yes we are best friends, I don't care what anybody says about that, you don't know us. They are HIS issues to deal with. It is HIS marriage that is struggling because of his relationship with you. You can't be there to help him. He got himself INTO this situation, he needs to get himself out of it; learn how to deal with it and take care of the fall out from it. Yes we are best friends, I don't care what anybody says about that, you don't know us. You really don't. Its important to me because he has helped me through so many things in my life, he was there for me when I needed him, talked me through things and changed me for the better in a lot of ways. And that's great. I never claimed to know you guys. But a common theme among affairs is "he was my best friend" It has ended, im moving on. When he figures his **** out then he can back and talk to me about us, if there ever will be an us again. Please stop assuming stupid **** like I am out celebrating, you have no ****ing clue what I have been going through. If that is what he is doing that he so be it, he has to deal with the outcome and what his life is going to turn out like. I know being with her wasn't making him happy and if he wants that life then so be it. That is where you are DEAD wrong. Yes I do. I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I had my heart broken in a zillion pieces over the course of 2 years. I DO know what it is like. So do so many other women who have been in affairs that have ended. It isn't something that is just unique to YOU. We ALL thought we were "best friends" with these married men we fell in love with. We ALL thought we were soul mates with them. We ALL thought we would spend the rest of our lives with them. Not so much. So I DO know. everything is not that simple, sorry. Until you have walked in someone elses shoes YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Read above. I have walked in them until the soles wore out. I never made it all her fault but the reality is it was partially her fault. She knew there was problems and told him to get over it, over and over and over again. I know this because we were friends for years before anything ever happened. Not everybody that has an affair is a bad person or is just in it for sex, you have to realize that. I never said a person who had an affair is a bad person. YOU did. Don't put words in MY mouth. I don't need to see anything. I am not going to be with him period. I made that choice for myself. I am not an option for him right now. Until he comes back and says sorry and needs you to comfort him, be there for him, etc.... I have been busy, I have a lot on my mind. I am talking to my friends about all of this and I didn't know I had to run back on the computer right away to let everybody know. I think he wanted the easy way out to be honest with you. I spoke to him today and he said she is not getting over this and never will (her words) Yes he was tired of lying to her. My point was why didn't you say things in the ORIGINAL post..... not that you didn't update.
2sunny Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 did he move out? and has he been trying to contact you?
Dexter Morgan Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 ** My advice to anybody that is thinking of or in the beginning of an affair, get out now, seriously the pain is unbearable** If you are in any relationship where you are not happy just get out of it and meet someone new that can give you what you want ** Affairs suck the life out of you very good advice. but is that the only reason to get out of an affair? wouldn't another reason be that you are an accomplice to hurting someone else?
hopeless4u Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I would give anything for my xMM to come clean and tell his W. At least then everyone would be on the same page and could move on one way or the other. The most frustrating thing about my situation is his W knows nothing of the A so wants to work at their M but my xMM said if he told her she would kick him out and it would break her. This is partly why I ended the A and can see now that his confusion is just another way to drag it out and keep me hanging. I actually feel sorry for his W, this woman has no idea that the man she loves has been virtually living a separate life with me for the last 2yrs and she never will because he has no backbone and will always do whats best for him.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I would give anything for my xMM to come clean and tell his W. At least then everyone would be on the same page and could move on one way or the other. The most frustrating thing about my situation is his W knows nothing of the A so wants to work at their M but my xMM said if he told her she would kick him out and it would break her. is that why you want him to tell her, because it will break her?
White Flower Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 if you were a secret to her then you really weren't his best friend. a best friend is not designed to be a secret... that should have been the first clue that he would protect his wife against you to begin with. he never told her for fear of hurting her. who does that with a best friend? i am very dear friends with a man (i am a woman) - his wife knows we are closely tied... she doesn't have any problem with it, we don't have sex though, and we don't cross boundaries that would disrespect his marriage. we encourage each other and are supportive when needed. THAT is a true friend.I disagree strongly. Hidden friendships and hidden love do not negate the genuine feelings of that friendship or that love. The struggle is not within the R, it is within the beholder of the secret and deciding to share it or not. In this case, the MM decided to share the secret. That validates his OW as well as honors his W with the truth so she can decide what is good for her future. He's come clean and there are no more secrets.
hopeless4u Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 is that why you want him to tell her, because it will break her? No, HE said it would break her, just another ploy from HIM to drag things out and not tell her and possibly HIS way of making sure I didn't tell her. I want him to tell her so she can make a decision to work on their marriage with all the facts and if he did tell her and she still wanted to work on their marriage then that would be closure for me (yes I know that is selfish but thats just how it is I'm afraid) I have ended it and will not go back there but that doesn't stop the feelings I have for him.
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