bentnotbroken Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 The Ws normally do NOT kick them out. Yes, they give them a hard time. But if the MM gives the slightest impression that they still want to give the M a chance, the W will go along with it. There is too much to lose, especially if there are kids involved. Don't forget that the idea that she could lose her H makes him all of a sudden very attractive in her eyes. Plus there is the triumph of being able to "win" from the OW. There is a whole particular dynamic to this kind of situations, I have understood that by now. Your MM is probably not very happy in his M but for guys to leave a M, a lot more I needed. They hate to destabilise their life. It's no wonder that so many divorces are initiated by women. For some of us it made the WS look like crap and we already have enough crap in our lives and we do flush.
RedDevil66 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 CC, I am so sorry you're hurting. You're so right, affairs are terribly painful, for all involved. This married guy will still try to keep you on a string, but if he has any remorse of good character at all, he will stay away from you and work on his marriage, whether to fix it or work to disolve it. In the meantime, focus on you and getting well. I never advocate medications, especially antidepressant, so for me, I would say, feel the pain and don't pollute your body with mild altering meds over some guy. Feeling the pain is not a bad thing and should be embraced. Whatever you decide, I wish you well
HarmonyHope Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I think it says something that he told his W about you knowing it would result in his being kicked out. My guess is that he felt guilty, and wanted to take all the blame, so the easiest way out was to tell her of the A. It sounds like an "exit affair", despite what the BS's are saying here. Guard you heart and watch his actions. Now is when the yo-yoing begins.
RedDevil66 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 CC, I am so sorry you're hurting. You're so right, affairs are terribly painful, for all involved. This married guy will still try to keep you on a string, but if he has any remorse of good character at all, he will stay away from you and work on his marriage, whether to fix it or work to disolve it. In the meantime, focus on you and getting well. I never advocate medications, especially antidepressant, so for me, I would say, feel the pain and don't pollute your body with mild altering meds over some guy. Feeling the pain is not a bad thing and should be embraced. Whatever you decide, I wish you well I meant mind altering and not mild. For some reason, posts cannot be edited once you leave the thread?!
1Angel Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) Love means trying to be your best self for yourself and for your partner. It means regularly checking in with your partner, checking if he feels happy, if he feels that his needs are met. Taking your partner for granted is NOT love. It's not because there is a routine and a history that it is love. It takes more than that. Thinking "He is mine because I have already put up with him for 20 years" is not love. Wives who stayed at home for the kids, who don't have an own income, who have let themselves go physically, have a lot to lose if it comes to a divorce. Your first paragraph yes it goes both ways. The partner who works outside the home should regularly check to see if sah partner happy. The second paragraph I understand what you are saying but have to disagree with part of it. The sah parent WILL get material things in event of divorce. Most states recognize it was a mutual decision by both partners that one stay at home to raise children. The sah partner is compensated for the time spent away from educational and career advancement opportunity. Divorce is fair splitting of assets not neccessarily equal 50-50 in such cases. Marital home, alimony, custody as well as any investments woh partner has that happened during the marriage, pensions, IRAs, etc. sah parent is entitled to. A lot of women don't know or realize this and feel stuck. Edited December 2, 2009 by 1Angel
WalkInThePark Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 The second paragraph I understand what you are saying but have to disagree with part of it. The sah parent WILL get material things in event of divorce. Most states recognize it was a mutual decision by both partners that one stay at home to raise children. The sah partner is compensated for the time spent away from educational and career advancement opportunity. Divorce is fair splitting of assets not neccessarily equal 50-50 in such cases. Marital home, alimony, custody as well as any investments woh partner has that happened during the marriage, pensions, IRAs, etc. sah parent is entitled to. A lot of women don't know or realize this and feel stuck. I am not only talking about the material things, the assets, the money. I am sure that if my xMM would ever divorce he would do everything he can to give his W a decent life. I am talking about the psychological factor. If you have been married since you were 22 for more than 20 years and spent most of these years being a SAHM, your marriage has become a very big part of your identity. I think this is very different for women who have always remained professionally active. In that case what you do defines a big part of your identity, not who you are married with. I actually think that this is the more healthy situation.
bentnotbroken Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I am not only talking about the material things, the assets, the money. I am sure that if my xMM would ever divorce he would do everything he can to give his W a decent life. I am talking about the psychological factor. If you have been married since you were 22 for more than 20 years and spent most of these years being a SAHM, your marriage has become a very big part of your identity. I think this is very different for women who have always remained professionally active. In that case what you do defines a big part of your identity, not who you are married with. I actually think that this is the more healthy situation. Again, a very definite generalization. SAHM aren't all defined by their family. Some of us had identities before we were married, during marriage and were just fine after. Being professionally active doesn't make getting a divorce any less psychologically devastating as staying at home. True identities come from within, not from what you do or if you get paid for what you do.
Impudent Oyster Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 He had always told me that if he ever got caught that he would pack up his **** and leave. I did say to him well maybe you can work things out and he said exactly what he has always said to me- that is not even an option with her. But he didn't "get caught". He confessed. Obviously he was tired of living a lie and wants to make a go of his marriage.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 think it says something that he told his W about you knowing it would result in his being kicked out. Yes, so HE wouldn't have make the 'final' decision. Someone else is making it for him! If he really wanted to be with CC, not only would he have told his wife the truth, he would tell her I'm inlove with someone else and we need to get divorced. He didn't do that, instead now he's going to do whatever he can to fix his marriage and work with his wife. Doesn't sound like an exit affair to me.
HarmonyHope Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Yes, so HE wouldn't have make the 'final' decision. Someone else is making it for him! Yes, but lots of men do this wimpy way out. It doesn't work when the BW's don't kick the MM out, but in this case, it did. He can assuage his guilt by thinking it was the BW that decided to end the M. If he really wanted to be with CC, not only would he have told his wife the truth, he would tell her I'm inlove with someone else and we need to get divorced. He didn't do that, instead now he's going to do whatever he can to fix his marriage and work with his wife. Doesn't sound like an exit affair to me. We don't know exactly what he said to his W or not. Even CC doesn't know yet. And I have seen NO evidence - At all - suggesting he's trying to work on his M now that he's kicked out. That's just popular supposition in this thread.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 The past few days have been rough for me with him telling me that he wanted to work on his marriage. Ofcourse that's not carved in stone, obviously. For all we know his wife could kick him out. Or maybe she wants to give him a chance..Who knows, time will tell.. But, if you are the OW, do you really want your MM this way? All because HE didn't actually have the courage end it, and his wife did? He DID tell her (OW) before he confessed to his wife that he wanted to work on his marriage.
WhereToGoFromHere Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 CC, I'm sorry you're going through this and I know some of how you're feeling. I did like what you said about those that are just entering into what could be an affair. I agree. I don't wish any of this pain on anyone. You're right, though the highs are REALLY REALLY high and wonderful, the lows are debilitatingly low. Anxiety and ache and all kinds of emotions and worry and confusion. For those that its not too late for, RUN AWAY and FAST!!! I hope everything works out the way you want. Be strong and hang in there.
HarmonyHope Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Ofcourse that's not carved in stone, obviously. For all we know his wife could kick him out. Or maybe she wants to give him a chance..Who knows, time will tell.. But, if you are the OW, do you really want your MM this way? All because HE didn't actually have the courage end it, and his wife did? He DID tell her (OW) before he confessed to his wife that he wanted to work on his marriage. Maybe I'm confused, but I thought what you quoted was from before when he supposedly broke it off with her. He sounds similar to AlphaFemales guy - he broke it off to work on the marriage and then quickly changed his mind. CC said later that he's telling her that there's nothing left to work on. And I thought that the W actually DID kick him out. Anyway, I suppose if I loved someone that much, the "proper" way wouldn't matter so much. It was his decision to tell his wife afterall, he did not have to do that. Just because he had manipulative intentions (telling his W of the A so she'd end the M and he wouldn't have to) doesn't necessarily nullify the gesture. Sure, that was cowardly, but what exactly is the "right" way to leave your spouse for another person? At least he was honest.
fooled once Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Wonder where the OP went? I am wondering what proof was offered that he told his wife? Maybe he told this to CC beause he wanted to end the affair? I mean, she is the one who kept calling him saying she needed to be weaned off talking to him and she didn't have meds yet. (Which really ..... I realize you were hurting but that must have humiliated you to know you couldn't go a day with out falling apart because you didn't talk to him). Show me the money - show me the lease to an apartment he has rented. Show me the new bank account he has opened. Show me the seperation papers. Until I see those things, I don't think I would believe a word from this "best friends" mouth (and why do women in affairs say this all the time "he is my best friend"? Why is that something to strive for? Why is that something important?) Either be 2nd or end it. Those are the two options. I truly do believe you are out celebrating or at least all giddy with possibilities. And when he has to "just stay with her for a bit until we can get things finalized", you will probably believe THIS too. WHY WHY WHY do we women do this to ourselves? WHY do we get involved with MARRIED men. It doesn't just happen. It is controllable. And it rarely works out - LONG term. As for the whole SAH mom comments... actually, they make out pretty damn good in a divorce. I always chuckle when I read how women married for a long time are expected to do certain things - such as make sure they stay physically fit. That is laughable. I guess it is okay if the men get sloppy fat. I also love how some OW make it all the wife's fault that the wife's cheating lying piece of crap husband cheated. I was married at 22, became a mom at 24, divorced at 31, remarried at 34 and now mid 40's -- my identity is wife, mom and worker. Those that are only wife and mother -- and married at 22 -- really didn't have too much 'worker/professional' experience to begin with Back to the original post ~ I don't see any reason to believe that anything has changed for the poster. He "SAID" he did something. Show me the proof. And if he DID tell his wife everything ~ so? What does that mean? Could mean he is going to work on his marriage. Could mean he was tired of lying to his wife and now has given his wife information she should know so she can determine if she wants this loser or if she is more than happy to let him go. Could mean he wants to be with the OW <but I am not thinking this is the case because if it was, I think HE would have said something to CC and she would have posted that information in this post. But she hasn't so......>. Could mean he and his wife are going to become swingers. Who knows - and I can only surmise that CC has no idea either. So I see no reason to celebrate. I do see reason to STOP contacting him FOR REAL, instead of for pretend when you go back on your vow to not contact him.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Wonder where the OP went? I am wondering what proof was offered that he told his wife? Maybe he told this to CC beause he wanted to end the affair? I mean, she is the one who kept calling him saying she needed to be weaned off talking to him and she didn't have meds yet. (Which really ..... I realize you were hurting but that must have humiliated you to know you couldn't go a day with out falling apart because you didn't talk to him). I have to say that I find it amusing that some of you think you know everythiing about everybody & their situation because you don't. Anyway I did not keep calling him I called him once, he told me that he didn't want me out of his life. I said that I needed meds because I need to clear my head. I know that part my life is over. I was his friend and I was not humiliated. He understands me and has never made me feel like a charity case, I know he cares & loves me. I will fully admit that I am having a hard time with not talking to him, as is he. Show me the money - show me the lease to an apartment he has rented. Show me the new bank account he has opened. Show me the seperation papers. I am out, I am done with all of that. The most we can be at this point is friends. Maybe somewhere down the road we can reconnect but right now I have to go on living my life. He knows this. I feel somewhat torn btwn being his friend and just abandoning him to deal with things on his own. We are very close and yes we are best friends, I don't care what anybody says about that, you don't know us. Until I see those things, I don't think I would believe a word from this "best friends" mouth (and why do women in affairs say this all the time "he is my best friend"? Why is that something to strive for? Why is that something important?) Yes we are best friends, I don't care what anybody says about that, you don't know us. You really don't. Its important to me because he has helped me through so many things in my life, he was there for me when I needed him, talked me through things and changed me for the better in a lot of ways. Either be 2nd or end it. Those are the two options. I truly do believe you are out celebrating or at least all giddy with possibilities. And when he has to "just stay with her for a bit until we can get things finalized", you will probably believe THIS too. It has ended, im moving on. When he figures his **** out then he can back and talk to me about us, if there ever will be an us again. Please stop assuming stupid **** like I am out celebrating, you have no ****ing clue what I have been going through. If that is what he is doing that he so be it, he has to deal with the outcome and what his life is going to turn out like. I know being with her wasn't making him happy and if he wants that life then so be it. WHY WHY WHY do we wom en do this to ourselves? WHY do we get involved with MARRIED men. It doesn't just happen. It is controllable. And it rarely works out - LONG term . everything is not that simple, sorry. Until you have walked in someone elses shoes YOU HAVE NO IDEA. As for the whole SAH mom comments... actually, they make out pretty damn good in a divorce. I always chuckle when I read how women married for a long time are expected to do certain things - such as make sure they stay physically fit. That is laughable. I guess it is okay if the men get sloppy fat. I also love how some OW make it all the wife's fault that the wife's cheating lying piece of crap husband cheated. I was married at 22, became a mom at 24, divorced at 31, remarried at 34 and now mid 40's -- my identity is wife, mom and worker. Those that are only wife and mother -- and married at 22 -- really didn't have too much 'worker/professional' experience to begin with I never made it all her fault but the reality is it was partially her fault. She knew there was problems and told him to get over it, over and over and over again. I know this because we were friends for years before anything ever happened. Not everybody that has an affair is a bad person or is just in it for sex, you have to realize that. Back to the original post ~ I don't see any reason to believe that anything has changed for the poster. He "SAID" he did something. Show me the proof. I don't need to see anything. I am not going to be with him period. I made that choice for myself. I am not an option for him right now. And if he DID tell his wife everything ~ so? What does that mean? Could mean he is going to work on his marriage. Could mean he was tired of lying to his wife and now has given his wife information she should know so she can determine if she wants this loser or if she is more than happy to let him go. Could mean he wants to be with the OW <but I am not thinking this is the case because if it was, I think HE would have said something to CC and she would have posted that information in this post. But she hasn't so......>. I have been busy, I have a lot on my mind. I am talking to my friends about all of this and I didn't know I had to run back on the computer right away to let everybody know. I think he wanted the easy way out to be honest with you. I spoke to him today and he said she is not getting over this and never will (her words) Yes he was tired of lying to her. Could mean he and his wife are going to become swingers. Who knows - and I can only surmise that CC has no idea either. LOL yeh thats it. I only know what I can do for myself. So I see no reason to celebrate. I do see reason to STOP contacting him FOR REAL, instead of for pretend when you go back on your vow to not contact him. you know everything isnt so easy sometimes ya know? people have problems & issues they need to sort through. I am doing the best that I can. I don't need your sarcasm, it doesn't benefit me in any way.
2sunny Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 well, what DID MM tell you happened? why did he tell her about you when he said he never would? what was the outcome of telling her? are they working on the M or is she kicking him out like he said she would?
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 well, what DID MM tell you happened? why did he tell her about you when he said he never would? what was the outcome of telling her? are they working on the M or is she kicking him out like he said she would? Well he said he couldn't live a lie anymore. It was going to catch up to him sooner or later and he just had to get it off his chest. He had said to me on monday maybe its better that she just knows what has been going on. Like I said last week he was going to work it out with her for the sake of his child. He said he wanted to talk to her and the first thing she said was oh so dont want to work it out and he said well I did but when I tell you what I am going to tell you you are not going to want to be with me. So he told her that he had been having an affair, how it started etc etc. I don't want to get into too many details. She asked about me, wanted to know how often we saw each other and at one point said oh so she was your girlfriend? so she knows it was not a fling. Anyway he left. I talked to him that night and he said it was all over. At first I was like are you blaming me and he said no I did this myself, its probably for the best. He said she is not going to take him back. I have so much on my mind right now because last night changed everything for me.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 it never is simple. make it simple now - you have a choice - get your life back - get your power as a woman back... dump his lying a$$ so you can get busy living and being happy! I want to be happy, I really do.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 maybe his W is his BF and he never admitted that to OW to keep her hanging around. MM lie, ya know? no they are not best friends.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 The fact his wife isn't his best friend is a huge warning sign to me. There is going to be a lot of upheaval here. Do you really want a front-row seat? hell no!! I am out!!
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 i read your prior posts... sounds like he was happy just to keep you as his OW by making promises and stringing you along. it's not enough. he's selfish and would keep you in that position forever if you let him. i think he told her so he can HONESTLY work on his marriage. be prepared for NC. the wife will demand it and he will get sneaky in the future to keep you at his feet, undercover. or he'll wait til the dust settles with her and then reel you back in full force with LOTS more enticing things he tells you... I won't be around for that. I left him a message after speaking to him telling him he needs to figure his life out
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I think it is natural to have empathy for him. His pain and need drew you too him. And you extended compassion and love. I care about him more than I can ever express to anybody. I care about his well being, I care about his happiness and what happens to him, I honestly do. However....at a certain point your own emotional survival mechanism kicks in, and sooner or later you say to yourself...."I'm too old for this sh-t" and the situation starts reaping fewer worthy rewards for you. I hit that point a while ago. In fact I think I did say im too old for this **** LOL It is such a classic that these MM move in and out and in and out of the marital home. And it is emotionally painful for OW. If you really like him, then it might be better for you to go NC. Depends what you want. If the friendship is more important to you (rather than chasing some relationship idea), then continue being his best friend. I am going back and forth with how I want to proceed forward. As of late today I really decided that I need NC. Sometimes the marriage hangs together based on shared history and finances. Who knows what the two of them decide. That may very well be true but he is not being true to himself and I am not saying that because I want him to be with me, its just a fact.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Liars tend not to lie about every single thing in their lives. I agree completely. Maybe she really is his best friend. me? yes I am and he will miss his best friend when I am gone, that I know. He was wrong about his wife's reaction. That tells me H and W don't know each other all that well. I agree. He may very well be bouncing around but I wont be there to know.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 also, i bet he didn't actually tell her EVERYTHING... they never really do... they tell stuff that makes the OW look bad and info about himself to appear the victim of your stalkerish nature. he will paint himself as an innocent party. He is not painting himself as an innocent person. I know he didn't tell her every single thing but she knows we went away together, we have been out in public etc. Im sure he kept some things to himself.
Author CCNowWhat Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 The Ws normally do NOT kick them out. Yes, they give them a hard time. But if the MM gives the slightest impression that they still want to give the M a chance, the W will go along with it. There is too much to lose, especially if there are kids involved. Don't forget that the idea that she could lose her H makes him all of a sudden very attractive in her eyes. Plus there is the triumph of being able to "win" from the OW. There is a whole particular dynamic to this kind of situations, I have understood that by now. Your MM is probably not very happy in his M but for guys to leave a M, a lot more I needed. They hate to destabilise their life. It's no wonder that so many divorces are initiated by women. well if that is the life he wanted to lead then so be it, be unhappy for the rest of your life. He knows that he just made his life a million times worse and guess what he wont have me in it if that is the case.
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