how much you tolerate somebody's past ?

[Lovelybird]

hi Lovelybird,

When i started seeing him, i didnt feel sorry or pity him. He seemed ok at the beginning and was quiet sweet. then after meeting him few times, he gave me one after another "shock therapy " about his past, the drugs thing. I asked him to stop drugs thing then he said he did it for fun once or twice a year and asked me to join him next time. which i refused.

 

before the last "incident " happened i didnt know that he was actually upset with me so many times because of petty things. I really really didnt know that he was upset. only after (last Sunday) i realized he hold grudges and sort of anger towards me.it is like he exploded and said he felt i have been doing mind games with him. I told him that at my age, i dont play games, i dont need that. I am looking for someone whom i can trust and sincere with me. I am not here to mess up his feeling but i dont want him to mess up my feeling too.

 

For a moment i thought i was being intolerant , but after seeing him behave that way, it scares me how bad he is going to react next time if there is even a bigger issue.

 

Should i tell him that i am not seeing him again or just plainly ignore him ? i told him yesterday that i need time to think over.

No, you are not intolerant. From your description here what he said and did, he does sound very unstable and has plenty of dramas, and you are like walking on egg shells, that is a good sign that you are dealing with a controlling person I think.

 

I think you don't have to ignore him, but plainly and honestly tell him you don't want to be his girlfriend anymore, but with kindness, ensure him that you have some issues about yourself you need to deal with first. Some people can be really triggered by harsh rejection. and please make sure you have support from your friends also. If he doesn't contact, then it is good.

 

I just learned yesterday that depression and loneliness can make people feel they are in love when in reality they are not. Some chemicals elements produced during depression and loneliness are similar with the ones when a person fall in love, so people will confuse the depression and loneliness with love. The more they are depressed and lonely, the more they want sex with the person, but this doesn't mean they really love the other person, and it is toxic. This makes so much sense, can definitely explain some of my experiences.

[Throne Of Lies]

Gutcheck- do you think someone who has already been party to the murder of two of his children is really going to make a good father? Something tells me he didn't strenuously argue against the decision of those two women. Infanticide is bad parenting, mkay.

[Yukikazi]

Gutcheck- do you think someone who has already been party to the murder of two of his children is really going to make a good father? Something tells me he didn't strenuously argue against the decision of those two women. Infanticide is bad parenting, mkay.

 

Lets not get on the holy roller soapbox mmmkay...

[trenino]

i just dont understand.. if you like someone or care about someone, u want to make the person happy.. and let them to be who they are . That's what i think and believe. I dont get it why he has to manipulate me or try to control me.. ?? does it mean some people are just naturally manipulative? not capable of loving or being loved?

 

just a thought.. if everyone avoids people with problem, which unfortunately in today's context everyone got hurt somewhere sometimes in their life, some people made bigger f*cked up than others, etc.....and people make mistake .. all time. So if we are avoiding people with too much baggage, it means they are just have to be alone forever ? no second chances? i am not defending him, just wondering..

 

SoulSearch_CO, thanks for the advice. It is totally making sense and reading all the posts here has helped me to see a bigger picture and my blind spots. and at least .. i feel better about my self.. the fact i know that i am not really like what he said ..

[SoulSearch_CO]

i just dont understand.. if you like someone or care about someone, u want to make the person happy.. and let them to be who they are . That's what i think and believe. I dont get it why he has to manipulate me or try to control me.. ?? does it mean some people are just naturally manipulative? not capable of loving or being loved?

 

just a thought.. if everyone avoids people with problem, which unfortunately in today's context everyone got hurt somewhere sometimes in their life, some people made bigger f*cked up than others, etc.....and people make mistake .. all time. So if we are avoiding people with too much baggage, it means they are just have to be alone forever ? no second chances? i am not defending him, just wondering..

 

SoulSearch_CO, thanks for the advice. It is totally making sense and reading all the posts here has helped me to see a bigger picture and my blind spots. and at least .. i feel better about my self.. the fact i know that i am not really like what he said ..

I don't think it's the fact that somebody HAS baggage that makes them big, bad, and horrible. It's how they HANDLE IT. If their baggage starts to become YOUR problem, then I don't think the relationship is worth it. For instance, my XH had major baggage. I loved him in spite of it. When his baggage started becoming my pain in the ass is when things had to end. I couldn't carry his burden anymore, because he was unable/unwilling to be responsible for himself.

 

EVERYBODY has been through crap in this life. EVERYBODY. So everybody is going to have some degree of emotional baggage. IMO, we are ALL "damaged" in some way. Some decide to let it incapacitate them and others don't. I could give you a list of things about me that if you just saw on paper, would probably think I was "broken." But I handle myself well. I don't want to make MY problems somebody else's problems. In a partnership, you shoulder life's burdens equally together. It's an EQUAL partnership. No one person in the partnership should have to shoulder more than their share. Granted, there will be times when one person gets to be stronger than the other and may carry more of the burden. But this should not be a constant pattern in a healthy adult relationship.

 

I haven't dated a single person that didn't have some type of baggage. It's how they handle it.

 

As for "why manipulate and control..." Some people think that's how normal relationships operate. They may have learned it from a family member growing up, or they may have learned it from a past romantic relationship. Until they choose to see the problem within themselves and go get professional help, the pattern will continue until they either die alone, or find some weak person willing to put up with the behavior.

[trenino]

last xmas it was quiet xmas and as planned i went back home to be with my parents during xmas. He came and met me to say merry xmas and he sent me off to aiport. I didnt say much during that time. Even though i was planning to break up but I was not ready emotionally.

 

During my holiday back home, he texted me now and then and hinting that missed me. I reduced the contact as i planned to break up. Cut long story short, I returned back to town & hesaid he wanted to pick me up in airport. He showed up and he cooked for me that night.

 

For few days after that he was seeing me quite often and he acted nicer, cooked for me few times,...until one day he acted strangely again. I got a sense he was unhappy , he didnt even pick up the phone. So that time I knew it would be the end of it. I couldnt carry on, why should i be with a guy who is always running away from problems and not willing to communicate?

After two days , he texted me , apologized. So today i called him and end it. I told him openly that he needs to grow up and start acting like a man. How much it hurt me when he was avoiding instead of to communicate openly ..

As expected he acted like he was cool with it. He said i called him just to vent out my frustration, and we r not compatible, bla bla ".

 

I explained to him that I called simply because I believe if i end a relationship at least I need to call the person and not just disapearing. but in the end instead of having of open adult conversation, it went rough and bitter.He indirectly said it was my fault things went bad. So i stopped talking to him and said good bye.

 

After talking to him, I was sobbing. I knew I did the right thing by breaking up but I feel sad. I felt like i had left a person who is emotionally damaged, like a puppy with broken legs .I did like him but it felt so hard to be with him and now i am half drunk..

Edited January 17, 2010 by trenino

[threebyfate]

trenino, you did the right thing by walking away from this guy. He sounds like a major, major headcase.

 

Here's a concentrated list of red flags:

1. Two abortions at 32 years old = irresponsible.
   
2. Does cocaine = irresponsible.
   
3. One broken engagement and an almost accidental marriage = irrational and irresponsible.
   
4. Wants you to drop your life and move to HK, even though you've only been dating consistently for a little over a month, had a fight and he punished you by withdrawing for two weeks = irrational, selfish and childish.
   
5. Paranoid.
   
6. Emotionally manipulative and passive aggressive.
   
7. Cannot take ANY criticism and is incapable of discussing, nvm working to resolve issues.
   

[tami-chan]

Trenino, I am sorry you are feeling the way you are feeling but get a hold of yourself...have some perspective. You did not know the guy very well. I know, I know...some people say you cannot quantify emotions...whatever...fact is, you did not know him well enough to send yourself to drunkville.

 

I agree with people who say HE is the manipulative one. Look at what he has done to you...he has reduced you to a heap of emotional garbage! he has made you doubt yourself-look you KNEW he was no good for you...why you thought it was better to say "I might not be the kind of girl you are looking for (paraphrasing here) is telling me you were trying to spare his feelings or hoping for him to negate you and say "no, you are the perfect woman for me" .... why did you not say "YOU are not the kind of man I am looking for?" That was the truth....that IS the truth.

 

Now put that bottle down, delete/block his number and move on...By the way, I agree with this:

 

There is no tolerating a persons past.. there is only acceptance or dismissal.

You have to decide which you want.

 

So for future reference in your lovelife when it comes to a potential bf's past, you decide, there are no gray lines AND you do not have to accept it-it is not obligatory. If you choose to try and understand it so you can accept it...well then, lucky for him...if not...oh well...

[Ilovehim]

only you know the answer to that but from what i read it sounds like his past truly does bother you and seeing that you're not "in love" or anything with this guy i wouldnt suggest dating him...just my two cents...