trenino Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) i am sad and confuse at the moment. mostly because of my own doing. What happened was i met this guy from online and we were dating for a month and we met quite regular 2 times a week or more. He introduced me to his buddies. He seems to be a sweet and nice. he texted me every morning and we cuddled a lot. He said he likes me and missed me, etc...We had something in common and I like him a lot but one day he told me about his past which bothers me. Btw he is 38 and i am 30. So a guy at 38 i understand he will have some history..so he revealed that he had impregnated 2 girls in his life and both of them went for abortions. 1st girl was his friend and 2nd girl was a party girl and she was just 21. Both of the girls were pregnant while he was about 32 or above. The things is if that happened once when he was just 18 - 20 or early 20's , i could understand that he might had been stupid or ignorant that time. But both of them happened when he was 32 ? and twice? Didn't he care to be careful ? i appreciated he was honest and telling me this but i begin to wonder what is gonna happen ? what is his perspective about it? He also told me he was engaged once and cancelled. And had another "almost" getting married accident... On top of the pregnancy issues, he told me few days ago that he went for a weekend trip and he had some cocaine. So after hearing all of these, it is kind of telling me a warning sign... so far he has been nice to me and quite caring. ...until yesterday i had a word with him, telling him that i may not be the right girl he is looking for. i told him that i like him a lot and all the cuddles i gave to him i meant that. But i am afraid to be with a wrong person and i was really honest to him that i am afraid to be just number 3 of the girls. he didnt say much and was quiEt. Then after i left ,he texted me said he was trying to grow into me and build some sparks that he thought there was but it seems it didnt. So he kind of all of sudden saying that he doesnt have feeling for me actually? All of sudden he turned to be so cold..and kind of mean with his words. i really dont expect a perfect guy but i feel scared ... i think abt him a lot and still like him ..and feeling sad... but all of these stroy makes me wonder and worries me.. i know everyone has past..but how much i have to "close my eyes" ? how far? do you think i make a right move? please give some opinions.. Edited December 2, 2009 by trenino
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Sounds like he tried to open up to you, and when you "rejected" him (at least he perceived that, then he shut you out. I'm surprised he told you about the abortion stuff. Many people usually keep that a secret. It will take him a long time to trust you. And even then he might choose to be single/other relationship. So this is one of those situations where you can't expect to be happily married with a picket fence in 2 years. He's got some issues. Depends how much you like him. Sounds like he was trying though.
dazzle22 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Well, there is an old adage, "keep your eyes wide open BEFORE marriage, and half shut afterwards", and that is very true. Never close your eyes to anything that your subconscious is bothering you about. There are warning signs here... In the early stages of a relationship you should be finding out the facts..and then thinking about whether you can live with them or if they are deal breakers. Everyone will have their own deal breakers. That is ok. Everyone is different. The fact that you had a little tiff and he showed his mean and cold side is good. Now you know how he will act in arguments. I also feel he is a bit old for this kind of behavior. Don't let your feelings run away with you at this point. You really don't know him at all yet. My personal feeling is that it takes about 3 years to really see someone in all kinds of situations and to know if they are true blue friends. I had a great friend for 5 years who I went on a long trip with, and during that time, she got roaring drunk and the most nasty, hateful shocking side came out of her. I had seen signs but chose to "close my eyes".. I opted to not continue a close friendship with her because of it. So, follow your own gut instincts, they are usually right for you..
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 See your question is about tolerating his past. For me it is about getting to know them TODAY. Who are they today. And where are they going? The past is just a source of conversation, as far as I'm concerned. They must have similar values. So check out his values. The fact he got some women pregnant in the past and they BOTH had abortions is interesting. He was the common demonimator. Sounds like he didn't want kidlets scattered all over the place.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 You have every right to your preferences when it comes to dating somebody. If you ignore what appear to you to be red flags right now, it's going to bite you in the butt later. IMO? The guy sounds irresponsible. I agree, for a man in his mid-30's, that stuff is really unnecessary. Drugs are an automatic dealbreaker for me, anyway - so that alone would be enough for me to say goodbye. I don't care if he judges it - I have to go with what I'm comfortable and I shouldn't have to ignore my gut feelings because it pisses someone off.
boogieboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 The fact that you had a little tiff and he showed his mean and cold side is good. Now you know how he will act in arguments. I also feel he is a bit old for this kind of behavior. Don't let your feelings run away with you at this point. You really don't know him at all yet. . Actually I see this a lil differently. Its not a cold shut out side... As soon as she told him "i may not be the right girl youre looking for" he says "he doesnt have feeling for me actually" Its a brilliant move...he sees hes losing her, so he informs her that he pulls away further to make her come back in. Tre, its too late now that you cant get past his past, you want to be blissfully ignorant. As long as you know that many guys would hide that kind of info from you. If you can get past that, then you might be good to go. The cocaine is what I would be worried about.
Author trenino Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 did i make a stupid mistake here? I feel horrible now.. i know it is too late for me and i will not see him again... i dont know what to do .. my heart and my mind tell differently..my mind says it is a red light but i miss him like hell since i told him that ...and he turned cold with me.. i think there is nothing i can do.. i dont know what i am suppose to do...confuse..
dazzle22 Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 If that is all it took to make him turn cold forever, be glad you found out now before the cruel winds of life can batter the two of you in a longer term relationship, and he bails on you then...
Author trenino Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) after two weeks no contact , he texted me and asked me how i am doing. He said he needs a hug. I was happy to hear from him because i missed him a lot and i was thinking abt him very often. So in the end we met again and he told me he has been missing me a lot and remembering the nice moments he had with me. that happened two weeks ago. So after that we met again and hang out again.I was thinking perhaps i judged him too fast so i thought of giving him a chance to prove who he is and what kind of person he is before i made a quick conclusion. then...last Sat we went out again n cuddled. he asked me abt my plan for xmas. i told him that i am thinking of visiting my parents back home but i am not sure if i will go since recently my relationship with my parents were not that great. on Sunday we had nice dinner and we cooked together. Everything was fun and sweet until.... we had a chat and talked about his work plan to move to HK and he asked me if i could follow him there. I am not sure what to answer because i feel that i dont know him enough to make such a big decision. Then he was kind of upset n told me that he felt manipulated by me. I was surprised when i heard that and totally clueless who is manipulating who ? he said again " it is like u are testing me all the time and put traps here and there. i need assurance from the girl and if u look for a confidence in me , then we may not be compatible " he said ;" u r a nice girl but i dont like the fact u changed your mind few times. for example, all of sudden u said u want to go back for xmas. Then u said u r not sure if u will go. is like what am i supposed to say and feel ? then ' the other day u said u wanted to see me then after that u said not sure if thats a good idea" then i explained that i felt he didnt sound interested of the idea of meeting me and that was y i was not sure. Because i didnt want to meet if the other party doesnt seem like it. i didnt think of manipulating or testing him. I was trying to clear the air n asked him to sit down ...n he said he doesnt feel like spending more time with me that night after the discussion and acted so cold. I was sad and really trying to understand the problem and what bothered him but instead of getting an adult response he was more like walking away , didnt even looked me and seemed so upset abt it. he said " i am not the most communicative person. I am quiet type and it will take me a year before i will say i miss someone ". I was really sad when he said that, what does it mean, it takes a year ? so what did it mean 2 weeks ago when he said he missed me? so all of these just BS? i was speechless and just sat down n in the end he became softer n tried to hold me as i was about going back home. yesterday morning he texted me " i am sorry about last night . u r a good girl and i am an idiot. I sincerely hope i had not ruined your christmas. " i didnt reply anything as i was not sure what to say, and afraid it will create another misunderstanding. this morning he texted me again " do you think it is wise to try again for the 3rd time ?" i told him i need time to think .... i felt hurt with what he said... i dont deserve that kind of accusation and treatment ...can somebody tell me what is going on ? I tried to digest but i cant . Should i just dump him ? Edited December 22, 2009 by trenino
CarrieT Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 this morning he texted me again " do you think it is wise to try again for the 3rd time ?" i told him i need time to think .... i felt hurt with what he said... i dont deserve that kind of accusation and treatment ...can somebody tell me what is going on ? I tried to digest but i cant . Should i just dump him ? I wouldn't. Sounds like he really doesn't have the capability to have an open and honest relationship without mind games and manipulations. Now that doesn't mean he isn't decent relationship material, but do you want to be the one to have to teach him those skills?
frustr8ed Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Yeah, you should dump him. All this guy seems to do is apologize for his child like tantrums because he didn't get his way. All this nonsense and you're not even a few months into the relationship. If you move to HK with this guy it will be the biggest mistake of your life. Your instincts are tellling you to ruuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn. It would serve you well to listen to them. By the way, he is trying to manipulate you with guilt. He acts like a child, find a man.
Woggle Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I can understand the abortion stuff but who hasn't tried drugs at least once in their life.
temple Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 This guy is full of crap and manipulating you for his own selfish gains. Listen to frustr8ed and CarrieT and run before it gets a whole lot worse.
DollyMix Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 ruuun and don't look back, the guys probably some messed up coke head he seems really inconsistent and just doesnt sound right, leave this one alone
Yukikazi Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I like how everyone suddenly starts accusing him of being a coke head. Believe it or not.. some people do rarely do a bump or 2 and nothing more. I don't really do coke.. but the occasional like will make itself available to me. (we are talking like 1 line in a 6 month period).. that doesn't make me a druggie or addict, I don't go hunting people down looking for it.. if its offered.. sure. Its a social party favor that may be taken advantage of.. You don't even know why he took it.. maybe it was a long night and thats what was available to stay awake.. cause that stuff WILL keep you awake for a few hours and clear your sinuses. Some people have issues with all drug usage.. some are more open to it and don't care. It depends on you and what you can accept. There is no tolerating a persons past.. there is only acceptance or dismissal. You have to decide which you want.
dazzle22 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 This guy is very emotionally manipulative, and he likes throwing you "off center" with his remarks, and then he comes back and apologizes. RUUUUN FORREST, RUUUN!
Yukikazi Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 RUUUUN FORREST, RUUUN! I was watching that movie lastnight.
make me believe Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 He sounds really immature and unable to have an adult relationship. I would be concerned about the abortions only because it means that he was having unprotected sex with these girls. (most likely - I understand condoms & birth control can fail sometimes.) I hope you're making him use a condom if you are sleeping with him! The two engagements is also kinda strange. But mostly it's his behavior towards you that is problematic. He sounds like tooooo much work and pretty manipulative.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Wow. He is MANIPULATIVE. He is playing you so hard. Drop this guy. He is NOT worth it. Relationships do not have to be so full of drama and struggles. Good heavens. They CAN be easy. Unless you thrive on drama, I don't see any reason to keep this guy. He's a handful.
aerogurl87 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 If he impregnated 2 girls when he was 32 then I'm guessing he wasn't using protection probably. Hmm, yep red flag right there. Also follow your gut instinct when dating. If a guy says something that rubs you the wrong way, listen to your subconscious and don't try to play it down. There is probably a reason you're feeling this way about his past. My ex told me he owed money to his old college, which I was fine with until I found out it was $30k because instead of going to class, he decided he wanted to stay home and play video games and lie to his parents and tell them he was going to class. So yeah, listen to your instincts on this one.
deux ex machina Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 This guy is very emotionally manipulative, and he likes throwing you "off center" with his remarks, and then he comes back and apologizes. RUUUUN FORREST, RUUUN! That's exactly what I see. This is how it starts, this how it starts... Run like hell.
Lovelybird Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 (edited) He seems cannot see other's reality other than his, this will be a huge headache. Check out your feelings if you cannot see the reality right now. Do you get upset very often when you date him? Do you have more bad experiences when you date him? Do you suffer more than simply spending time with him joyfully? If yes, then you should not continue to see him anymore, you are not his therapist. Did you watch Oprah the other day? that five women testimonied their dating experience with a man, that man said he had very bad childhood, and so those women pitied him and fall in love with him. but turned out he has HIV, and he gave all of those women HIV, he actually dated all of those women at the same time. My point is this: if you date a man, be careful with a man who try to use your empathy. If you find yourself pity him more than love him out of his strength, characters, then it is not a good sign. you are not his parent, if you try to be his parent, one day he will grow up and try to leave you. The past can tell us some degree about a person. The most important is if he is working on himself on those old issues, if he indeed changed, then he deserves a chance, but it seems not the case Edited December 23, 2009 by Lovelybird
Author trenino Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 hi Lovelybird, When i started seeing him, i didnt feel sorry or pity him. He seemed ok at the beginning and was quiet sweet. then after meeting him few times, he gave me one after another "shock therapy " about his past, the drugs thing. I asked him to stop drugs thing then he said he did it for fun once or twice a year and asked me to join him next time. which i refused. before the last "incident " happened i didnt know that he was actually upset with me so many times because of petty things. I really really didnt know that he was upset. only after (last Sunday) i realized he hold grudges and sort of anger towards me.it is like he exploded and said he felt i have been doing mind games with him. I told him that at my age, i dont play games, i dont need that. I am looking for someone whom i can trust and sincere with me. I am not here to mess up his feeling but i dont want him to mess up my feeling too. For a moment i thought i was being intolerant , but after seeing him behave that way, it scares me how bad he is going to react next time if there is even a bigger issue. Should i tell him that i am not seeing him again or just plainly ignore him ? i told him yesterday that i need time to think over.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Should i tell him that i am not seeing him again or just plainly ignore him ? i told him yesterday that i need time to think over. Given his past behavior of using guilt to control you, I don't think it's wise to talk to him. You try to tell him you don't want to see him, he's going to make you out to be the bad guy and you'll feel bad all over again. I see a repeat of this post after you talk to him: did i make a stupid mistake here? I feel horrible now.. i know it is too late for me and i will not see him again... i dont know what to do .. my heart and my mind tell differently..my mind says it is a red light but i miss him like hell since i told him that ...and he turned cold with me.. i think there is nothing i can do.. i dont know what i am suppose to do...confuse.. I think it would serve YOUR best interests to just ignore him.
DollyMix Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I like how everyone suddenly starts accusing him of being a coke head. The reason I questioned him being a coke head is mainly because he sounds very erratic with her, no problem with recreational use.
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