Die Hard Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I had an experience last night along these lines and was hoping for some insight from women on why this sometimes occurs? Hoping I won't have to explain the experience if maybe some women here have said no but really meant yes and can explain why? Thanks
Ms. Joolie Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 What we say is only 10% of what we mean. Pay attention to what we do.
johan Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Because when the cops ask, she can say with total honesty that she told you no but you persisted until you had your way with her.
Author Die Hard Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 But that doesn't help me at all I guess I better explain to be fair and all. I've know this girl for about a year and we're pretty good friends. We both hang with the same circle of friends, etc. There has always been a little flirting but nothing major. Circumstance caused us to be alone one night at my house and one thing led to another and we ended up on the floor. Just as we were getting started though a male friend of ours who was not expected came barging in(good friend, he always does this) so we both jumped up and acted like nothing was up and we managed to pull it off. Couple nights later the whole circle of friends is supposed to arrive at my house, but the only one that showed was "shannon", the friend I ended up on the floor with. Obviously one thing led to another again(I locked the doors this time). We were on the couch, myself between her legs. Well when I started to remove her panties she said "no". I didn't say anything, just looked her in the eyes...she was playing with her nipples though and had a slight smile so I went ahead and continued. Well as I get her painties up arouund her knees she says "I said no". Again I looked at her and she's smiling SLIGHTLY so I go ahead and remove the panties and procede to perform oral sex. Problem is, I can't get it up. I can't stop thinking about the fact that she kept saying no. So I try and make the oral last as long as possible but eventually she moves to perform on me and I'm forced to tell her my pecker has a mind of it's own tonight. She was actually pretty cool about it...even made me some dinner afterwards. The thing is though, as she was leaving I couldn't help asking why she had kept saying no and I never got an answer. She smiled and said I don't know, kinda blushing. I don't get it at all. Her saying no like that was like putting an ice cube on my dick. I almost wonder if it something to do with our friends, or her feeling like we were doing something wrong. Anyway I just don't get it.
boogieboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 They say no sometimes when you havent turned them on enough. Best strategy in general is to tease them enough without pushing sex so they jump you.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Maybe she just wanted to fool around and not have intercourse.
carhill Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I've never heard no and that's generally because I've waited until emotional intimacy was established and the woman felt close enough to me to want to be intimate in a sexual way. Given the parameters and time which such dynamics involve necessarily means numbers are low. Guys who push sex on every woman they meet will inevitably find a willing hole in greater numbers. Good on them. If a woman told me no, given my love style, I'd take that to heart and find another woman. Lots of women around. The only caveat would be if the 'no' was heard in the context of an established relationship and we were role playing and I needed a spanking.
I am who I am Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Either she said No .. and meant No. Or, you have just witnessed what is commonly known as the anti-slut defense. This is not to be confused with the anti-Sicilian Defense, which in no way will help you with the ladies. Just google that phrase if you want to see what thousands of others have said about this topic, including ways to handle the situation.
Author Die Hard Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 and we were role playing and I needed a spanking. I've wondered if this is just one of her "things". Like I said we've been friends but I know nothing about what really turns her on. Both encounters were extremely spontaneous. Thought about sure, but nothing spoken between us before either encounter. I also wonder if it had to do with our friends finding out. I've suspected they know something since nobody showed up...seems coincidental after the fact, but I haven't been able to probe anyone and find anything out. Everyone has an excuse. Then again maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame for not getting it up. I admit it bothers me. I don't have to worry about my reputation but it still wasn't any kind of positive experience.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Then again maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame for not getting it up. I admit it bothers me. I don't have to worry about my reputation but it still wasn't any kind of positive experience. I think we're all emotionally sensitive these days (which is why we're on LS) and her saying 'no' didn't help your situation. The problem will resolve itself with time. I wouldn't worry about it. Doesn't sound like she was communicating all that well (before, during or after). Which made you insecure. And then the flag went down. I'm a woman and it is one of those times where you get the guy laughing and get his mind off of it, and suddenly there is no problem. Guys get hung up on ED, but really it is no big deal. If she likes you, she will get your mind off the problem, which tends to fix the problem and increases intimacy, which increases arousal....and male comfort and confidence.
Author Die Hard Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Either she said No .. and meant No. Or, you have just witnessed what is commonly known as the anti-slut defense. This is not to be confused with the anti-Sicilian Defense, which in no way will help you with the ladies. Just google that phrase if you want to see what thousands of others have said about this topic, including ways to handle the situation. Yeah this would go towards the her being afraid of the friends finding out. It's a mix of males and females. I'll probably never know unless we have "sex" again. Which I don't see happening since I'm a little gun shy now and don't see myself wanting to chance a failed launch again... don't want to start any patterns
Author Die Hard Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 I think we're all emotionally sensitive these days (which is why we're on LS) and her saying 'no' didn't help your situation. The problem will resolve itself with time. I wouldn't worry about it. Doesn't sound like she was communicating all that well (before, during or after). Which made you insecure. And then the flag went down. I'm a woman and it is one of those times where you get the guy laughing and get his mind off of it, and suddenly there is no problem. Guys get hung up on ED, but really it is no big deal. If she likes you, she will get your mind off the problem, which tends to fix the problem and increases intimacy, which increases arousal....and male comfort and confidence. I pretty much ended the whole thing by starting to get dressed. I never really gave her a chance to make things cool. I just wanted to cover my body...I felt extremely vulnerable naked without an erection. I know that sounds messed up but I just wanted the awkwardness to go away. A lot of it has to with the fact we're friends I think. Maybe shouldn't have done this at all.
Author Die Hard Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 See if we hadn't been friends maybe I'd have KNOWN no meant yes by that point. But being friends seems like it opened it up to interpretation, and I was interpreting while I was supposed to be in the throws of passion. Does that make any sense?
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I pretty much ended the whole thing by starting to get dressed. I never really gave her a chance to make things cool. I just wanted to cover my body...I felt extremely vulnerable naked without an erection. I know that sounds messed up but I just wanted the awkwardness to go away. A lot of it has to with the fact we're friends I think. Maybe shouldn't have done this at all. hmmm. sounds like an intimacy issue. If you want to keep the friendship with her, I suspect you might have to have the somewhat painful conversation with her that it was just too soon for you, and you had problems performing and that you felt really shy about it. That will make her want to give you a hug. Plus it will help her not feel rejected. I wouldn't have the conversation over the phone, just next time you are both alone ie out with the group - take her aside. At least you were initially attracted. So that part was good. Making progress....
carhill Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I've wondered if this is just one of her "things". Like I said we've been friends but I know nothing about what really turns her on. Both encounters were extremely spontaneous. Thought about sure, but nothing spoken between us before either encounter. Perhaps it is but my explanation referred to the dynamic within an established committed relationship or marriage, not dating or 'friends'. Of course there were times in our M when myself or my stbx said 'no thanks' or 'not now' seriously and those were sometimes logistical and sometimes indicators of deeper issues in the M. Also, 'no' was declining intercourse and/or other orgasmic sex, not intimacy if offered. Big difference IMO. If you're engaging in casual sex, it is just that, casual. No's are no's and yes's are yes's. No significance meant or imputed. Lastly, if you lost an erection, wait until you get old. Your rep will be toast by then Seriously, about the only thing that has ever made me go soft was a condom. After waiting so long, nothing was going to get in my way
aerogurl87 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I'll quote Christina Aguilera "My body's saying let's go, but my heart is saying no." And that's all you really need to know to answer your question.
always_searching Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) Huh. Interesting situation. I would think that in this case it's possible she just gets turned on by the whole "forced" scenario? So, she said, "I said no," and you performed oral. What happened during oral? Did she act uncomfortable at all, was she able to orgasm, or was it just foreplay? I'm weary about this girl...the whole, "No means yes" thing gets women into trouble...men too. I know of a situation that just happened recently on campus where this girl was drinking in her apartment and the guy she was drinking with and she started heavy-petting and such, and then went into her bedroom. The next thing you know, (her story) they were getting ready to have sex, she said no, apparently blacked out, and then woke up naked a little while later next to him. She claimed he raped her. Generally, I would think he was in the wrong, but I know this girl, and honestly, I think she's full of ****. I think she felt guilty when she sobered up, because she has a boyfriend back home. Regardless, she insisted that it was rape, went to the police, took it to the school's judicial system, etc. He wasn't found guilty, and while a number of our mutual friends were angry about the decision, I, honestly, wasn't. The point I'm trying to make is: you need to talk to this girl. Tell her your concerns and the reason why you were distracted that night she tried to go down on you. It's not cool for her to do the whole "No means yes" unless you are aware that it is just a type of foreplay for her, but she needs to tell you. Edited December 2, 2009 by always_searching
Author Die Hard Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 I suspect you might have to have the somewhat painful conversation with her . I know man it sucks! This thing I think has hurt my self esteem a little. Being honest with myself I wonder if I was bothered by the thought that she was having regrets right in the middle of this. Yes she was receptive to the oral sex, to answer one of the questions above. But I "think" maybe I was a little hurt that she voiced reservations...at least that was my interpretation at the time of her having said no several times. My brain is all over the place on this. (I'm readong all posts even if I don't respond to each one...(Thanks all:))
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Don't take it to heart/self esteem. when first fooling around with someone? no means no. How else were you supposed to take it?
jw90063 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Maybe a girl doesn't want to look easy, so by holding back a bit, it makes her look the opposite. Could be a test on her part to see if you do respect her, if in fact she didn't want to go further.
PinkToes Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Personally, I've never said no in a sexual situation when I didn't mean it. And you know, I don't have a lot of tolerance for women who do this; it's lame and it makes things more difficult for those of us who really do mean no when we say no. I doubt most men would go along with this idea, but the best way to change the dynamic would be to stop when she says stop. Just stop. If she really means yes, make her own it. Plus, then you'll know she wants really wants to have sex with you, and hasn't just grown weary of the battle.
Cplusplus Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Either she said No .. and meant No. Or, you have just witnessed what is commonly known as the anti-slut defense. This is not to be confused with the anti-Sicilian Defense, which in no way will help you with the ladies. Just google that phrase if you want to see what thousands of others have said about this topic, including ways to handle the situation. It might help you get some smart and possibly Russian chicks.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Because when the cops ask, she can say with total honesty that she told you no but you persisted until you had your way with her. Ah you are speaking of RAPE!
BookerT Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 It's generally to do with the fact the from a point of lust she's ready to go. But from the point of rational thought, she might think she's not ready and wants to check the guy out more, or she doesn't want to come off as too easy. It's one of the classic primal drive vs higher reasoning conflicts around. No different from a person on a diet staring at a chocolate cake and going.....I want........no I dont want........I want.......no I don't want.
HokeyPokey Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) I think it's always better to at least slow down or stop the said action that elicited the "no." If she still seems into everything then try again after she feels more comfortable, and if you get a "no" again you might want to back off. Some girls do just enjoy foreplay without intercourse. Every woman has a different threshold to what they feel comfortable with at the time. No never means Yes though. It could mean "no for now" though. Edited December 2, 2009 by HokeyPokey
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