Tethys Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Have any of you ever gotten married, despite your heart not really being into it, or into your future spouse? I have been with someone for 6 years now, and although we don't argue, I feel like it could be better. I'm so bored with her and I feel like I'm selling out by marrying her--selling out by just marrying the girl I'm with, taking the easy way instead of doing something more bold and finding someone I really love. Has anyone ever had the same feeling going into a marriage? Did that feeling just turn out to be nerves? Or did you end up regretting your decision and wish you had followed your heart?
StarChick Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Oh boy... I can tell you now that if you get married to this girl feeling the way you're feeling, you'll end up resenting her and yourself. Getting married isn't a magic ritual that fixes everything all the time. Like having children, marriage doesn't fix what was broken before. It can complicate what was broken before. Sure, there are cases of cold feet and people being silly, but if you truly don't LOVE this girl, if you truly don't see yourself with her for the remainder of your life, then do her a favor and let her find someone who can. You owe her and yourself that chance.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Selling out? Yikes, do this girl a favor (and yourself) and don't marry her. It will save both of you a lot of heartache later.
Island Girl Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 What you are stating here is NOT jitters, etc. You simply should not marry this woman and in fact you should be a MAN about it and end it. Walk away so you can find a woman you truly do love - and allow HER to find a man that truly loves her. Situations like this are really sad and get more tragic as bigger mistakes are made and 15 years go by. Just break up and move on.
Mr-T Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I think that the only responces you will get will say not to get married. Marriage is a life long commitment and its not fair on you or her. You will only regret it if you do!!
hopeful1980 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 After 6 years, the bloom is definitely off the rose. It will probably be like that with you with any woman. Relationships are hard work and you have to keep them fresh. It doesn't just happen on it's own. I think you should break up with her and then be by yourself for a while and see how much you miss her. You obviously don't want to marry her, but I think that if you marry the next woman you'll be singing the same tune about 6 years from now.
SimplyBeingLoved Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Six years is long enough to get past the hormone-induced limerence phase, but there should STILL be deep feelings. If you're feeling this way now... it will NOT get better. Don't marry her.
waltham781 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Not so cut and dry as I see it. No marriage is going to be perfect. You need to make a list of the attributes you seek in your current woman and see how she stacks up to your ideal. Rank them in order of importance. Realize this. How many women have you so far dated that come close or excel her characteristics? What are the chances that if you end it now, that you will find a better replacement in short enough time so that you are not 45 pushing around a baby carriage ( if kids are in the cards ). I went into my marriage knowing it wasn't perfect, but also knowing that because my standards were so high they would never be perfect. I could have waited and remain alone, but the joy I've experienced in life so far due to my wife and children far outweighs the thought that indeed I did settle. Another point is would you rather have the tables turned and be moving into a marriage not sure if your soon to be wife thinks you are adequate enough for her? Imagine waking up not knowing where you stand with your wife for the next 20 years?
SimplyBeingLoved Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 When people post here and say "I never really felt deep in love/attracted to my spouse, but they seemed like a good person so I went ahead and married them" the responses are invariably... "You weren't in love? You weren't attracted? You should have never gotten married in the first place!" Which I always find to be non-helpful answer, because as far as I know, there is no way to go back and rewind time. However, in this case... well.. this is your chance... because my very strong belief is... in the beginning... it's USUALLY as good as it's gonna get. It rarely gets a lot BETTER... e.g. I rarely see/hear: "I wasn't that in love when we married but over time I fell for him/her." So consider that this is as good as it's going to get. Good enough for you?
Author Tethys Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Thanks all for your replies. I think I'm picking women that are "ok", because I dont have to worry about them leaving me, but then I'm often bored after a certain point and often feel there's something missing. I've heard of others marrying someone because they're a decent person, but not because they're really enthusiastic about it, so at least I'm not the only one who does this, but it does seem like it will only making things very difficult for me--for both of us--down the road. One way I have gotten myself comfortable with the idea of marrying her is that she is a nice girl, and she that she might not find someone to marry (she's 38), and because I'm pretty sure she's jealous of all her friends that have married in the last 5 years or so. I've seen the phrase "pity wedding" used on this forum, which might be what I'm doing, but I would feel horrible about breaking her heart, especially when I think that she probably never hoped that she would get a big ring and a wedding. I guess my question to the women on this forum is: which is worse--breaking an engagement that you were really looking forward to and possibly never have one? or marrying someone only to be divorce after a couple of years? In my mind, since we're so close to getting engaged, it would be better for her to have at least had a couple years of happiness. And I could deal with the idea [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]if I knew it was only for a few years.[/sIZE][/FONT]
mark982 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 buddy you don't want to get married now. go ahead get married, throw some kids into the mix---then see how you feel.
Stung Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Thanks all for your replies. I think I'm picking women that are "ok", because I dont have to worry about them leaving me, but then I'm often bored after a certain point and often feel there's something missing. I've heard of others marrying someone because they're a decent person, but not because they're really enthusiastic about it, so at least I'm not the only one who does this, but it does seem like it will only making things very difficult for me--for both of us--down the road. One way I have gotten myself comfortable with the idea of marrying her is that she is a nice girl, and she that she might not find someone to marry (she's 38), and because I'm pretty sure she's jealous of all her friends that have married in the last 5 years or so. I've seen the phrase "pity wedding" used on this forum, which might be what I'm doing, but I would feel horrible about breaking her heart, especially when I think that she probably never hoped that she would get a big ring and a wedding. I guess my question to the women on this forum is: which is worse--breaking an engagement that you were really looking forward to and possibly never have one? or marrying someone only to be divorce after a couple of years? In my mind, since we're so close to getting engaged, it would be better for her to have at least had a couple years of happiness. And I could deal with the idea [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]if I knew it was only for a few years.[/sIZE][/FONT] This is pretty horrible. You think so little of her, I feel bad for this poor woman. It is entirely possible that she could still marry, you know, and to someone who actually values and respects her. But since you feel so little for her and seem to view her age/attractiveness as a diminishing return she should be concerned about, why on earth did you waste her time for SIX YEARS? I am 34, recently married, and damn happy about it. But if my husband had had such meager respect and care for me as you do for your gf, if he had looked at the prospect of marrying me as something he was willing to 'deal with' for a 'couple years' out of pity...I would have been out of there in a flash, furious and hurt but at least grateful to have a chance to move on before I was duped and made a fool of at the altar and legally bound to someone who didn't even love me. Let her go. You're not such a catch that you're doing her any favors.
JerseyShortie Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I've heard of others marrying someone because they're a decent person, but not because they're really enthusiastic about it, so at least I'm not the only one who does this... Which do you want to be? Part of the "at least I'm not the only one who does it.." crowd and live your life lying to this woman and yourself, or a man who takes a risk and puts himself out there? One way I have gotten myself comfortable with the idea of marrying her is that she is a nice girl, and she that she might not find someone to marry (she's 38), and because I'm pretty sure she's jealous of all her friends that have married in the last 5 years or so. I've seen the phrase "pity wedding" used on this forum, which might be what I'm doing, but I would feel horrible about breaking her heart, especially when I think that she probably never hoped that she would get a big ring and a wedding. Wow. You're completely insulting to this woman. You feel sorry for her. So in essence, you sort of feel like your better then her. You somehow think that at 38 she wouldn't be able to find another man who would want to be with her or is it that YOU think YOU wouldn't be able to find another woman who would want to be with you and you are projecting that onto her as to not deal with those feelings? I guess my question to the women on this forum is: which is worse--breaking an engagement that you were really looking forward to and possibly never have one? or marrying someone only to be divorce after a couple of years? In my mind, since we're so close to getting engaged, it would be better for her to have at least had a couple years of happiness Dude, what is wrong with you? Seriously. This is the most messed up thinking. Firstly, I doubt your so wonderful that you're just that great a catch that you giving her "a few years of happiness" is going to make her life. Or that you leaving her is going to break her life. I am sure she will move on just as you will. Please giver her the chance to find a man that actually cares about her. Please. I beg you on her behalf. There is no woman on this earth that wants to be married to a man that sees her as you clearly see this woman you claim you care about.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 6 years all for nothing. nice... real nice. Problem is not with her, it's you!
DLA Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I married a guy I dated for 4 yrs. at age 22. Something in my gut, I know realize it was my 6th sense, told me I shouldn't go ahead w/it. I wanted to believe it was just because I was nervous about the whole marriage thing; didn't live w/him prior to marriage. I'm now 55 yrs old, married 32 yrs. & filed for divorce 9 mo. ago. In my case, there were small signs of his behavior to come, but the truth was I didn't believe I would meet anyone else who could make me happy. I'm sure you know after you are in a long term dating relationship, you get "comfortable" & if there are no real negative problems going on, you wonder if this is the real thing. The best advice I could ever give someone after my experience is: Marry your BEST FRIEND, only. If you are not best friends or believe you are best friends, you'll never be happy in your marriage. You need to know you can support your spouse w/their dreams, career, etc. & vice a versa. Sure you will have disagreements, but you have to have TRUST, no second guessing, in your future spouse. No abusive behaviors, physical, emotional or verbal, or critisim of each other. Please, Please don't get married just because you want a Family life; children are so very DEVASTATED whenever their parents get divorced. It doesn't matter if their 1 or 23. BEST OF LUCK!
torranceshipman Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Oh God don't marry her. End it. And DON'T ever settle. I never did and I'm with my ideal man now. And if you don't find someone ideal for a while then what on earth is wrong with being single and enjoying life as a single guy for a while? It sucks having to hurt your partner when you realize they aren't the right person for you, but step up and do it - it happens to us all and you owe it to her and to yourself to be respectful of the fact that you aren't her Mr Right and she isn't the right girl for you. Plus she is only 38 for pete's sake, she's hardly knocking on death's door, is she!! She has plenty of time for that right guy to come along but as long as she's with you, she won't find him.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I think I'm picking women that are "ok", because I dont have to worry about them leaving me, but then I'm often bored after a certain point and often feel there's something missing. While there is a certain misguided logic to this, I wonder if there is more to the story. You don't seem worried about being able to attract women in the future -- what exactly is holding you to this relationship in the first place? Have you broken off relationships in the past? (If not, do you think you have a deep-seated aversion to being a "bad guy"?) One way I have gotten myself comfortable with the idea of marrying her is that she is a nice girl, and she that she might not find someone to marry (she's 38), and because I'm pretty sure she's jealous of all her friends that have married in the last 5 years or so. I've seen the phrase "pity wedding" used on this forum, which might be what I'm doing, but I would feel horrible about breaking her heart, especially when I think that she probably never hoped that she would get a big ring and a wedding. Don't get wrapped up in this kind of logic -- the decision to marry someone is something in which you need to be a little selfish. I pulled a similar kind of rationalization with myself -- even though I wasn't especially attracted to my wife, we got along well and she was crazy about me. Since I felt that women rebuffed me unjustly -- I was terrible at attracting women -- I couldn't see how I could do that to her. Unfortunately, marriage (especially with kids) is a real pressure-cooker. I've come to believe that the early "crazy-in-love" stage is important because it provides the foundation for intimacy later on. Without that intimacy, marriage in mid-life can feel like capital punishment.
Author Tethys Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. GoodOnPaper - Your question about an aversion to being a bad guy is really insightful because my dad left my mom when I was really early, and since I was 95% raised by my mom, I have taken on her perspective in a lot of things (most notably a certain passive/helpless/victum mentality that I am just now starting to make strides against, but a certain subtle criticism of/disappoint in men). I'm starting to see that one needs to be somewhat selfish when it comes to who they choose to marry and I think it's a deep-seated belief that I dont deserve someone that I really enjoy being with that has resulted in me staying with someon I'm so indifferent to for so long. And despite the time she's put in, it would be worse to get married and buy a house and then tell her that I wasn't happy and want to move on.
dazzle22 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Oh, the others have given you fabulous advice! When I read your post, I thought, "why does he want to throw himself on the altar of sacrifice in this situation? Whom did he learn that from?" And now you can see that you are kind of recapitulating your mother's belief system. This is not just nerves. I also married the first time, way too young, mainly because the love of my life wasn't into getting married. The man I married seemed like a good man, and I thought I would grow to be in love with him like my first love. My story sounds eerily like the other two posters... This never happened, and it won't happen for you either. I have never heard it put the way Good on Paper said it,but it really is true! I also have come to believe that early stage of being in love is VERY important, now that I am in my second marriage. Think about it this way. If the girl you are thinking of marrying could read what you just wrote, do you think she'd want to get married? Likely not. You are doing her and you a favor by breaking this off. Good luck.
NowhereToHide Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 After 6 years, the bloom is definitely off the rose. It will probably be like that with you with any woman. Relationships are hard work and you have to keep them fresh. It doesn't just happen on it's own. I think you should break up with her and then be by yourself for a while and see how much you miss her. You obviously don't want to marry her, but I think that if you marry the next woman you'll be singing the same tune about 6 years from now. Really? This is your advice? Could it be that he is just not with the right person or must you assume it's a character defect with him? OP, there ARE women out there with whom you will still be in love with after six years. YES, relationships take work. But, there needs to also be a certain level of chemistry, connection and intimacy to make it work for the long haul. There are the man-haters that will assume that you are just being "a guy" and not putting enough into it. Don't listen. At this point, you must listen to your gut. If it's taking this much work for you this early on, then it's probably not meant to be. Good luck to you.
bluestraps Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Do you think she can pick up on the way you are feeling. She may not be feeling all that great about you either. Being a guy who was with a girl for 10 years, I understand how you feel . I would second guess sometimes how I feel. But then something she would say or do would take that feeling away. Its like remembering good times and remembering what the person means to you. In a relationship of this long there are bound to be times when things seem boring There is some information that I think is important which you have not stated . Did you always feel this way about her . Is there anything about her that bothers you . Do you always feel like you want to find someone else. Is she fun to be with , what kind of personality does she have. Before you chuck the whole thing remember you may miss her and regret it. And I mean really regret it. Use this christmass to your advantage. This is the time where the people who are important to us mater the most. Six years is a long time. Make sure to search your feelings, follow your gut not your brain .
hopeful1980 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Really? This is your advice? Could it be that he is just not with the right person or must you assume it's a character defect with him? OP, there ARE women out there with whom you will still be in love with after six years. YES, relationships take work. But, there needs to also be a certain level of chemistry, connection and intimacy to make it work for the long haul. There are the man-haters that will assume that you are just being "a guy" and not putting enough into it. Don't listen. At this point, you must listen to your gut. If it's taking this much work for you this early on, then it's probably not meant to be. Good luck to you. Why not assume he has a character defect? I mean really, people are always looking for excuses to bail and others are always giving them an out. 6 years is a lot of time to invest in a relationship with a person who probably expects a proposal to just give up because your "heart wasn't in it." That whole "think with your heart" is BS as far as I'm concerned especially after 6 years. I am far from a man-hater. When reading his post I gathered that he was the type of man who gets bored easily. Instead of asking what he can do to regain the spark in his current relationship, he comes here to get excuses why he should leave and not propose. Of course the standard answer is, "Well, do what your gut tells you." or "Listen to your heart." In my opinion, that's all a load of BS. Every relationship takes work and who is to say his heart will be in his marriage six years after with the woman he does pick? With what he's said about his method of picking women, it's very likely.
Sam Spade Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Do you think she can pick up on the way you are feeling. She may not be feeling all that great about you either. Being a guy who was with a girl for 10 years, I understand how you feel . I would second guess sometimes how I feel. But then something she would say or do would take that feeling away. Its like remembering good times and remembering what the person means to you. In a relationship of this long there are bound to be times when things seem boring There is some information that I think is important which you have not stated . Did you always feel this way about her . Is there anything about her that bothers you . Do you always feel like you want to find someone else. Is she fun to be with , what kind of personality does she have. Before you chuck the whole thing remember you may miss her and regret it. And I mean really regret it. Use this christmass to your advantage. This is the time where the people who are important to us mater the most. Six years is a long time. Make sure to search your feelings, follow your gut not your brain . This is a sound advice, also this, from the previous page: "Not so cut and dry as I see it. No marriage is going to be perfect. You need to make a list of the attributes you seek in your current woman and see how she stacks up to your ideal. Rank them in order of importance. Realize this. How many women have you so far dated that come close or excel her characteristics? What are the chances that if you end it now, that you will find a better replacement in short enough time so that you are not 45 pushing around a baby carriage ( if kids are in the cards ). I went into my marriage knowing it wasn't perfect, but also knowing that because my standards were so high they would never be perfect. I could have waited and remain alone, but the joy I've experienced in life so far due to my wife and children far outweighs the thought that indeed I did settle. Another point is would you rather have the tables turned and be moving into a marriage not sure if your soon to be wife thinks you are adequate enough for her? Imagine waking up not knowing where you stand with your wife for the next 20 years?" These two posts certainly don't advocate marrying someone you don't love, should this indeed turn out to be the case. What ultimately determines the success of marriage is the level of commitment, and that comes from within, and cannot be conditional on any external quality of the person you are with. That's why I am so suspicious of all the "if it's not all fireworks and unicorns, don't get married" posts. Unless there are some major incompatibilities, I'd be inclined to conclude that you'll be making a boneheaded move if you break up. A relationship is not like a car to say that if you had a car that's faster or more luxurious you'd love it more:rolleyes:. This is a very dangerous like of thinking since it makes love entirely conditional on person's qualities and assets - well, guess what - there is always somebody better out there. Even if you have a Lexus, there is still the Maserati.
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