sean1970 Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 How many of you, that have been broken up for 3 months or more, would take your ex back if they came back today? I had to think about it for some time... As hurt as I am, as often as I think about her, I don't know that I could. Too much has changed; too much has happened. I don't think I could look at her the same way. It would have to be something new with her and I don't know that I could ignore what has happened since to give it a chance. You? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 4+ months here. Yes, I would take her back. As much as the breakup hurt in the early months, each day I grow more appreciative that we separated...we were both getting consumed by the relationship and losing ourselves to it...I didn't realize how much I needed out... I still love her with all my heart and would want nothing more than to be back together with her... Link to post Share on other sites
Printer Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 If only it were to happen!!! Yes. Yes. Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 4+ months. Yes, absolutely. But only if she came back and wanted to try again. I will not pursue her. Link to post Share on other sites
novack Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 3 months yesterday.... i still love the girl to pieces and think about her all the time.... but got treated badly.. My heart says yes, but my brain/LS says no....in these circumstances, i would say no but i would prob. cry my eyes out in front of her in doing so... damn thats sad, i want to get back together but know i shouldn't.... Link to post Share on other sites
Taucher Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 6 months and one week for me. Hard question. I suppose I would get back with her, but she would REALLY have to convinve me that this is what she wants. I'd be more likely to say no, I think. T Link to post Share on other sites
RachLIVE Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Too many months. I beleive I am strong enough to say no, however I don't entriely trust myself. I pretty much just wrote an essay debating this...-In summary, I would say no. It would be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I would say no. Link to post Share on other sites
Template Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Wish I could say yes, but if you know my story, the trust is completely gone. Besides, she would have to get over herself, and admit her failures and wrongdoing, but then that wouldn't be the person I knew anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sean1970 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Share Posted December 2, 2009 ... but then that wouldn't be the person I knew anyways. Thats the catch isn't it... Would we really know them anymore..? How many questions would we have and could we refrain from asking the ones we really don't want the answers to..? Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 my instincts with her have always been right on the money. I KNOW as soon as meet someone that I really really like and see a future with, she will try and find a way to get back in the picture. Because that's how life always works right? Link to post Share on other sites
teanoranges Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 almost 6 months broken up. I'd probably tell him I'm in no way ready to deal with anything like that at the moment... but that I love him and still want him for myself, if only he could hold me in his life. That I don't want to lose him forever. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Thats the catch isn't it... Would we really know them anymore..? How many questions would we have and could we refrain from asking the ones we really don't want the answers to..? Well, I know you can never completely start over since there will always be that history, but you sort of have to look at it as meeting someone new...both of you will have changed, especially if you'd gone NC for an extended period...and that's why you really have to approach a second chance slowly...you don't just jump right back into what you had right away...because the two of you will be different people from when you were together... This can certainly work both ways...if you've both changed for the better, then the two of you will slowly realize that and the bond will be that much stronger...but if you realize that your ex is no longer what you want in a partner, then it's ok to let him/her go with no regrets... You can't approach it as trying to determine whether your ex is still "the person you fell in love with before"...you can't come in with expectations...because that can only lead to disappointment... The key is to take it slowly as if you were meeting and dating this person for the first time...you may even begin to get that "new relationship rush" that you experience when you first start dating and getting to know someone...but that's just the way I'd approach it if she came back... Link to post Share on other sites
onewillburn Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 It's a little disheartening to see so many people responding that they would still take their exes back. I've definitely been in that position and it's a hard mental state to get out of, but if you really sit down and think about it could you really be with somebody who put you through this much pain for x amount of months? I couldn't get back with somebody who betrayed me like this. That's what has been so hard about this break up for me. In a way, it ruined everything. There is no chance for reconciliation, just a lot of pain and what feels like wasted time. It's over, for me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 That's what has been so hard about this break up for me. In a way, it ruined everything. There is no chance for reconciliation, just a lot of pain and what feels like wasted time. It's over, for me anyway. I kind of disagree here...over the months after the breakup, I've come to realize that a lot of the pain we suffer is self-inflicted...not something that our exes purposely did to us... I'll only speak for myself, but my ex simply did what was in our best interest...of course I didn't see it at the time, but it was 100% the right choice for both of us...I had never been through a breakup from such a serious relationship before, and I didn't know how to react rationally...I made mistakes trying to beg and plead for her to come back...I created images and thoughts in my head which only made the pain worse...I almost needed the pain...and the pain was all I had...but what felt like "wasted time" was actually a vital learning experience...one that I wouldn't trade for anything...the only thing I regret from it all was having to lose her to get that experience... I still love her...and if one day the stars and moon aligned, I'd want her back in my life... Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 its been 3 months. NO NO NO. After 10years and two kids.........NO. I am by no means a perfect person but I would not want to go anywhere near my old life. He not only had no respect for me in other ways but he had an affaire.(others too i think looking back at behaviour) We went thro MC earlier this year and he only payed me lip service. I am frightened of spending the rest of my life alone but I know I will be and am happier in a stange way. A needy petulant worm has gone and I feel releived. He was no good for me. I lost my self worth, self esteam, vision for the future but I can see a future now and its going to be great. x Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 For the first 4-6 weeks I would have taken him back instantly, but as the hurt set in I felt I would not take him back easily. What I would like is to be able to sit down and see if we can rebuild, to see if it is possible, it might not be but I wish we could at least discuss it. If he wanted to jump in bed with me now I would say woa hang on a minute, it's not that simple, you've really hurt me by walking out. But for the first month I would have jumped straight back into bed We would need to be able to rebuild trust on both sides and to feel if we got back together that we were getting back as the problems have been talked through, acted on and resolved, then hopefully the relationship would be stronger for it. I would not want to live together again, at least not for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 I was with my ex 10 years when he left me twice for a few months and I took him back and we had 9 more (mostly) happy years together, neither of us regret that. It's a little disheartening to see so many people responding that they would still take their exes back. I've definitely been in that position and it's a hard mental state to get out of, but if you really sit down and think about it could you really be with somebody who put you through this much pain for x amount of months? I couldn't get back with somebody who betrayed me like this. That's what has been so hard about this break up for me. In a way, it ruined everything. There is no chance for reconciliation, just a lot of pain and what feels like wasted time. It's over, for me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
leap83 Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Here we go with the "What ifs". Yes. I would take him back. But it's not about him coming back to me. It's about both of us meeting in the middle. It's what USMCHokie said here: I kind of disagree here...over the months after the breakup, I've come to realize that a lot of the pain we suffer is self-inflicted...not something that our exes purposely did to us... I'll only speak for myself, but my ex simply did what was in our best interest...of course I didn't see it at the time, but it was 100% the right choice for both of us... And here: This can certainly work both ways...if you've both changed for the better, then the two of you will slowly realize that and the bond will be that much stronger...but if you realize that your ex is no longer what you want in a partner, then it's ok to let him/her go with no regrets... You can't approach it as trying to determine whether your ex is still "the person you fell in love with before"...you can't come in with expectations...because that can only lead to disappointment... The key is to take it slowly as if you were meeting and dating this person for the first time...you may even begin to get that "new relationship rush" that you experience when you first start dating and getting to know someone...but that's just the way I'd approach it if she came back... The thing about reconciliation that many don't get is the fact that you're broken up RIGHT NOW for A REASON. Many people want to get back with their ex instantly. No. Wrong decision. You really need to search for the reason as to WHY you 2 broke up. Analyze what happened in the relationship that wasn't working out. THEN you work on yourself first. Get your life back on track. Put yourself back together. And if there is that slight chance or if you left the door slightly open with your ex, you consider the second chance. However, they're NOT the same as you knew them before. This is NOT the same relationship as it was before. It is something completely new. It's like dating a new person. This time you're smarter. You know what did and did not work. You take that to your advantage and make sure those mistakes don't repeat. Before you even get back together, it's about sitting down and discussing the issues previously at hand. You HAVE to know how your ex felt, what they liked, disliked as much as they have to know the same things about you. You talk it out. You're honest and open. THEN you get back together. Why do people rush so much to get back together?! There is a whole life ahead of you and you rush in being with this person with unresolved issues so that you can break up yet AGAIN and go through even MORE pain than before?! That's why you LEARN from your mistakes. LEARN from experiences. That's what life is about. So, yes. I would love to be with my ex again and if we meet in the middle, some time in the future, I'll definitively consider it. I won't jump into it. But I will sit down and think about it. Only after all of the above has been addressed though and we're both happy/satisfied with answers and talk, and know what each of us wants out of the relationship. But that's a "what if". And I stopped thinking about what ifs a couple of days ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Template Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 I do agree with a lot of you here in that people change over time, and maybe the person I know now is not the same person I'll know in 5, 10, 15 mos/years. Regardless though, there are some things in life a person only has one chance at. If you are capable of doing it once, especially of your own conscious will, then you are capable of doing it again. For instance, if you cheat on me. I don't care if down the road you are housewife material of the year, and pulitzer prize winning advocate for marital fidelity, I will not give you that opportunity to be in a position (meaning we're together in a relationship) to cheat on me again. I could forgive you, and we can be best friends, heck I'll make you the godmother of my children, or I could fall in love with you all over again, you WILL NOT have that opportunity to cause me that much pain EVER. Specifically with my EX, I could have died the night she consciously refused to help me in my most dire need (we weren't fighting, hell I bought us dinner, and we were having a grand old time watching tv). Do you think, I will allow her the opportunity to do that to me again... HELLZ NO. We go through life making decision on the information that is presented us, why would I take back a woman who literally left my life in a balance. FRIENDS wouldn't even allow that to happen, so in this case, I wouldn't even have her as a friend either. Link to post Share on other sites
name witheld Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Broken up for just over 3 months and I would take her back. Well not back exactly, but as it has been said a new start. Talk about what went wrong and see if we can work on things. I don't know if this will happen though, we are in LC at the moment and she does bring up some of the things that went wrong and we talk them through - without me just agreeing to whatever she says. Its more about understanding where the other person was coming from. One of my best friends got back together with his girlfriend after about 3-4 months apart and it made them stronger. Its worth noting that she dumped him and she also came back to him after strict NC. They are engaged now and I'm pretty sure they will be ok. I have other friends who got back together after several years apart. Not sure how they got back together again, think it started from talking. I hope they will be ok, but am not convinced that their problems have truly been resolved. Course remember, that the reason you have been given may not be the only or may not even be the main reason for the breakup. Thats why its difficult to know if it would work or not until the other person comes to you and all cards are laid on the table. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 At this point I couldn't live with myself if I let him back into my life. The amount of growing and changing he would have to do is unfeasible. As a matter of fact the amount of growing and changing I would have to do to be with him is unfeasible. Link to post Share on other sites
onewillburn Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 I kind of disagree here...over the months after the breakup, I've come to realize that a lot of the pain we suffer is self-inflicted...not something that our exes purposely did to us... Maybe my choice of words was a bit misleading, when I say "ruined everything" I just kind of mean that it ruined the bond we had in a permanent way and that's part of what made it more difficult for me to move on. I don't think that they purposely wanted to hurt us either, and I think a lot of people stay in relationships that they don't want to be in just because they don't want to hurt the person they're with. It's obviously a good thing for the dumper to break up if that's what they want, because staying would just be a farce. All of that said, I don't think the pain is completely self inflicted. You can't always control when something reminds you of your old relationship and it tears away at you at any random point in the day or all of the sudden desires to fill that emptiness you feel by reminiscing or drowning your sorrows in some temporarily distracting but not-so-well thought out behavior. You lose your head for a little bit, depending on the circumstances. It can be literally traumatizing for some people and you can't make the right decisions for a short while (long while for some). It's just a process you go through and I don't think many people want to go through it. Obviously, different circumstances will lead to different perspectives on the issue. I went through a huge depression where I literally started to feel numb and lost a lot of self confidence. And, though it's not the ex's fault that I responded to the situation this way, for my own sake it would be foolish to even consider the possibility of putting myself at risk of that happening again by going out with her again and trying to re-build trust. I could see it working out if the break up was more of a geographical thing or a mutual thing under mature circumstances, but I feel like a lot of people here were cheated on, lied to, and put under a ton of mental strain afterwards so that's why I was surprised that people were willing to take the ex back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sean1970 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 but I feel like a lot of people here were cheated on, lied to, and put under a ton of mental strain afterwards so that's why I was surprised that people were willing to take the ex back. I just don't know what I am going to do with this mountain of leftover breadcrumbs the ex left me. Thrill seekers are asking if it is save to climb. Link to post Share on other sites
angelface78 Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 (edited) This question seems easy to answer but when you really put yourself in the scenario its not. Its been 5 months for me since the breakup. My initial response is NO. He has caused too much damage. He hooked up w a girl 1 month after our breakup and has now moved in w her after only 4 months together. He and i were engaged and together for 5 years and we never did this. All in all he has now had other experiences w her that he never had w me. He is a different person. I am also changing and it would be hard to go back and just forget all of this pain. Deep in my heart though there is that part of me that still loves him. That part would be screaming out YES if only to go back in time and feel the love we had again. This is a scary scenario for all of us im sure. How can you trust that they wont hurt you like this again?? You cant!!! Edited December 3, 2009 by angelface78 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sean1970 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 This question seems easy to answer but when you really put yourself in the scenario its not. That is why I posed the question. I think we need to identify that what we may really be dealing with is the feeling of loss and loneliness; not that we actually want our ex back. Link to post Share on other sites
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