BlueeyedJonesy Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I am new here and I'm in desperate need of advice. I will try to keep it short.. My H and I have been married for a year. We've been together for 6. We have 2 kids. (4yrs & 5mos) we are very happy together..to say the least. Right now things are rocky because a few months ago he went to the strip club THE NIGHT BEFORE OUR 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY. lied to me about where he was, then about a month later I find out through our credit card statement. I called him (he was away on business) and he told me that they had gone to a SC but he didn't want to go and he didn't do anything..so a few days pass and I know that 60 $ is alot of money to spend at a SC when your just watching...so I confront him and he tells me that he had two lapdances! Now here is my issue with everything. H and I have been to the SC together before and I am fine with that, but we both agreed we would never go without one another. At the time of all this happening I am at home feeling severly depressed with postpartum and in no way feeling good about myself so his excuse was "I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would hurt you" which I think is BS. anyways this isn't the first infidelity hes had. Back when we were dating I uncovered a whole secret world of phone sex and spending hundreds of dollars on it over a 10 year time period. Again he had an excuse that it was something he started doing when he was young and couldn't quit because it was a habit. Then on 2 other occasions he has been put in situations where I questioned his faithfulness to me. but I thought he was always honest with me. He is very good about telling me the truth, or so I thought until this last incident. Last march I also found out he set up an account on sexsearch.com and his excuse was that he just did it out of curiosity. I am so lost and I feel so stupid when I write this all out and read it..I'm thinking why the hell are you still there? I love him with all my heart, we have an amazing relationship but right now things are horrible..I feel like I can't trust him at all anymore. I feel like the whole time I was being the 'cool wife' by not nagging him, not snooping, and letting him go out and do things. Now I feel like I have to watch his every step and I have this feeling in the back of my mind that hes cheated on me. I really need some advice.
Baroness67 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 This may not be the reply you're looking for, but here goes. For what it's worth, I never worried about my husband and strip clubs, or his looking at stuff online, or watching the videos. It was never excessive, to my knowledge anyway, and he wasn't watching anything crazy or off my sexual scale. I really did not mind at all. I was busy with the kids, etc. and sometimes I even thought, great, he can find other outlets. (The strip clubs, by the way, seemed to only happen when this one particular college buddy was in town, or he was there. Maybe once a year.) So, in and of themselves, these things, they did not bother me. I personally don't consider them infidelity. As long as they are strippers and earning a few dollars for him to have fun, they are the strippers and I am the wife at home. I wouldn't trade places. Now, were he to actually have sexual favors from a stripper and come home to me, different story. Lap dances would not bother me, unless they come home with names, cell phone numbers and text messages ensue .. you get the idea.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Thanks for the advice, and kind words. I established a few years back that he was indeed a sex addict but he was in denial up until this last stunt he pulled. He knew he crossed the line with all the lies. I've been studying it for quite some time and reading into alot of stuff. He is now working with a sexual addiction therapist, I REALLY think it is helping him. and I support him 100% so how do I move forward and stop seeing another woman naked in my husbands lap everytime I close my eyes? or getting a sick feeling in my stomach everytime I see a 900 commercial? I feel like I am shutting down. This last incident was horrible timing and I feel so broken. No matter what anyone says or what he says to me. I always go back to "well if I looked better physically" or "maybe if I talked more during sex" Before it was like...okay I can compete with women on the Internet, and Phone because there is no physical connection. but now that its crossed that line..I can't compete with a woman who gets paid to get guys hard. I never used to feel like this, I used to have the best confidence. I feel like there will always be something on the other side of our marriage. How do you know when its time to throw in the towel? ps. Most of the sexual addiction things that I read are so scary and heartbreaking. Seems like they all end up relapsing. I feel a little hopeless about it all.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 you asked the question "How can I repair the damage" it isn't up to you to repair the damage. HE is the one that went to the strip club and lied. HE is the one that needs to be kissing major butt and asking for your forgiveness and SHOWING that he is worthy of it. One way to do that is, no more going out partying, and his internet needs to be taken away like the child that he is. If he can't handle that, then he doesn't deserve to be a husband. The title of husband, as well as wife, are reserved for those who are not weak, selfish, or immature.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I am in counseling as well, and I really like the lady I'm going to. My Dr put me on Prozac and so far so good. I was a little nervous about being on medicine, I've never been on anything like this. I decided I needed to suck it up and take care of myself so I can function for our children's sake. Only time will tell I guess. My husband is def trying his hardest to fix his problems but last night I found out more. seems like they just keep on coming.. He swears up and down that hes never cheated on ME, but he did on his ex. and with all of the crap hes pulled it is very hard to believe hes been faithful to me the whole time. and about not caring that he looks at porn or goes to strip clubs- I used to be the same way about everything...I felt secure, until I discovered his "secret life" and that was it with my trust.
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