sarahanne Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I know I shouldnt look, but I have a slight obsession with boyfriends young ex from a couple of year ago. I am troubled by the amount of archives he has on his computer about her. There are some semi erotic photos he has still kept. Do I need to address this, or should guys feel this is OK to do this? He has asked me to move in with him, but I would like us to be in a place which is neutral and doesnt have this kind of memorabilia. What do you think of this? What would you do?
lostsoulmate Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 his past is his past.... they are just pictures. If they were recent, that would be a different story.
serialgf Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I know I shouldnt look, but I have a slight obsession with boyfriends young ex from a couple of year ago. I am troubled by the amount of archives he has on his computer about her. There are some semi erotic photos he has still kept. Do I need to address this, or should guys feel this is OK to do this? He has asked me to move in with him, but I would like us to be in a place which is neutral and doesnt have this kind of memorabilia. What do you think of this? What would you do? Are you moving into his computer?
jerseyboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Having them doesnt mean anything. Im sure there are likely still some on my pc's, I dont ever look at them. I just dont always know where I stored things, and have never been curious enough to look. Id be shocked if my fiancee didnt have pictures/letters of past bf's. I dont go rifling through her stuff to look for them. When I was younger I did use to keep stuff. I didnt have a thing for them, but they were memories. Part of my past, part of what made me who I am. Not I wish I was still with her obsessions. Had a gf who foudn them, got pissed ,and deatroyed them all. Shes history It would be interesting to go back and read those letters for example. Recall what was going through my mind at 18 for example. How I thought about things then, how they may have changed since. It still angers me that she determined to steal that from me.
Author sarahanne Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 good to have the male point of view! However, these photos are in his iphoto album which his children also have access to. I kind of feel that out of respect to me and his kids (10 and 16) that this isnt really appropriate. You know its hard to date when you're in your 40s, so much baggage. I also have this, but I keep reasonably discreet, its a question of respect I feel, not me wanting to take away his history.
Bejita463 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 good to have the male point of view! However, these photos are in his iphoto album which his children also have access to. I kind of feel that out of respect to me and his kids (10 and 16) that this isnt really appropriate. You know its hard to date when you're in your 40s, so much baggage. I also have this, but I keep reasonably discreet, its a question of respect I feel, not me wanting to take away his history. That is really grasping at straws there.
Author sarahanne Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 so then we agree that this is a hit? Or are we all in agreement that this is perfectly OK? And I am being unreasonable?!
Bejita463 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 No one here so far seems to think there's a problem. I think you are overreacting, but what you should be doing is calmly discussing this with him. Heavy emphasis on calmly. Also, if this was found through snooping, that sort of behavior will undermine the relationship eventually, regardless of what is or is not found. His first question should be why you were snooping around in the first place. Having found something (if you even do) does not justify having snooped unless you had a good reason to do so. It is that reason he should ask for; be prepared to give it.
TheLoneSock Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I know it may feel unnerving for it to be like that, and you probably just can't help but wonder why he would still have them. But the truth is none of that matters. They are his pictures, of a girl from his past, on his computer. He's with you, not her. THAT is what does matter. Don't think too much into it, and try not to pry any more, it is his property, his personal space.
Bejita463 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I know it may feel unnerving for it to be like that, and you probably just can't help but wonder why he would still have them. But the truth is none of that matters. They are his pictures, of a girl from his past, on his computer. He's with you, not her. THAT is what does matter. Don't think too much into it, and try not to pry any more, it is his property, his personal space. I really like the way you've worded this.
Art_Critic Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 But the truth is none of that matters. They are his pictures, of a girl from his past, on his computer. He's with you, not her. THAT is what does matter. Don't think too much into it, and try not to pry any more, it is his property, his personal space. I like this post... I would like to add though that if this album is one that he looks at then he might be prompted to move them into another album so they remain part of his past. I have pictures from my previous relationships here at home.. even from my previous marriage and I would never give up or throw away those pictures. and so does my wife... That being said they are also up in the attic or in boxes stuffed away and some in albums that are put away in closets and would only be looked at in a remembrance kind of way.. if ever...
Art_Critic Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I wanted to add that asking someone to delete or throw away photos of the past is just wrong.. A person's past is just that.. the past and having pictures in no way changes that.. ........... There is a time to delete pictures of ex's though.. If they were pictures of the two having sex.. those should be trashed.. always.. to show respect to your current partner knowing that it would hurt their feelings if they were seen.. There is no reason to keep porn photos...
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Yeah I think it depends on what you mean by "semi-erotic"...if they were just of them kissing, or her looking suggestively at the camera, I don't think it's such a big deal. If they were of them having sex or literally pictures of her buck-naked, I could understand you having the heeby-jeebies. As art said, it would be one thing if they were stowed away in an attic (or untouched computer file) somewhere, but if he is still accessing them and they are in fact somewhat pornographic, that would bother me. When my boyfriend and I had been together for around 6 months, I found a HUGE file of literally pornographic (I mean 100% x-rated penis-in-vagina included) pictures and videos of him and his ex on his computer while he was at work. I felt like you...conflicted because of how I found them (snooping) but also bothered because of their explicit nature. I decided to talk to him about them...and he said he hadn't accessed them in a while and had literally forgotten about them. I decided to drop it since we hadn't been together for that long, but I'd secretly check every now and then to see if they were still there. A few months later they were gone without explanation. I think for him it was more of a freedom thing...we had only been together for 6 months and he didn't want to already give me permission to be determining what he could and could not have on his computer (which was completely his right). So even though he didn't care about the pictures, he didn't want to give me that "power" over him and delete them right then and there, after I brought it up (which was a good move on his part as it kept our relationship in balance). That ended up being way longer than I intended, but my point was that if they're not important to him, he'll eventually get rid of them or store them away, but if he's like most guys, you giving him an ultimatum to delete the pics will just make him want to keep them more.
JustLooking123 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Stored photos in some folder(s) in his computer, in the absence of other concerning evidence that he's not over her = okay A photo of him and his ex as his computer wallpaper = not okay
Miad's Princess Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I am troubled by the amount of archives he has on his computer about her. What do you think of this? What would you do? Well first of all this is about you and how you feel it's all good people telling you whether they agree or not but this is your life not ours and if it bothers you then it is important you talk to him. When you say the amount of archives he has about her this concerns me, if it was one or two photos then you could call it a memory but if he has folders upon folders of her still I find this strange. Just be open about how YOU feel and what you want and see if you can come to some compromise.
norajane Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I am troubled by the amount of archives he has on his computer about her. The operative word is ARCHIVES. Not stuff he looks at everyday, but archives that he's filed away as part of his past. I know I shouldnt look, but I have a slight obsession with boyfriends young ex from a couple of year ago. THIS is your real problem. Why are you obsessed with her? He's no longer with her; he's with you and he's asked you to move in. So what is the reason behind your insecurity? Whatever it is, him deleting every single picture of her will make absolutely no difference to your insecurity because your obsession with her started before you even knew he had archived pictures of his ex. So your issue has little to do with the pictures, and won't go away if the pictures go away. Does he have archived pictures of his other exes? Do those bother you too, or just this particular young ex?
ComeUndone Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 The operative word is ARCHIVES. Not stuff he looks at everyday, but archives that he's filed away as part of his past. THIS is your real problem. Why are you obsessed with her? He's no longer with her; he's with you and he's asked you to move in. So what is the reason behind your insecurity? Whatever it is, him deleting every single picture of her will make absolutely no difference to your insecurity because your obsession with her started before you even knew he had archived pictures of his ex. So your issue has little to do with the pictures, and won't go away if the pictures go away. Does he have archived pictures of his other exes? Do those bother you too, or just this particular young ex? Yep. If he has given you no reason to distrust him with regards to this ex of his then don't let old memories bother you.... history is NOT something you can control. It is what it is. Simply because you would choose to bury pictures of an ex deep in your computer doesn't mean he is bad or inconsiderate for not doing so. He probably doesn't think anything of them anyhow... they are just sitting there on his computer. I have pictures of my ex in iPhoto and I have zero interest in looking at them.. I don't miss him or reminisce about him whatsoever. The fact is that I don't feel like exerting the energy to move them to another file somewhere.. that's too much trouble for something having no current importance to me. I would not want to delete them, mind you, only because he was a part of my life, but having them still in iPhoto has no significance, and likely it's the same for your boyfriend.
kimmi Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I say forget about it. I mean my ex bf had pictures of all of his ex's at first I was a bit upset but I just trusted his love for me and I thought hes here with me now and I am not going to waste this. I asked him about them and he took them out and was going to get rid of them and I stopped him from doing it. Instead I asked him about story's. I can say it is one of my fondest memories of him. He was laughing and enjoying memory lane with me. After that within a few weeks I got m first love letter from him in 1988. I still have this letter and let me tell you if anyone I am dating even goes close to suggesting that I ditch it. He's ditched... That is mine and no one has that right to have a request for me to lose my memories.
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