Reading Machine Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I have been reading threads on Love Shack for the last few months. Every bit of advice is always dead on. I will just give you the quick version of my situation. I started dating a young lady almost three years ago. Last July 15 2009, we got married. I lost my job of ten years due to a downward turn in the economy back in April of 2009. My Mother who had been battling lung and breast cancer for ten years died four days before the wedding. My new wife keeps telling me I had changed. After our wedding we had many things that brought controversy in the new marriage. She claimed because I spent 36 days taking care of my dying Mother that I forgot I had a wife (at the time a fiancée). However, my Mother was terrified of being alone, she was unable to feed herself or go to the bathroom and I would have to give her oral induced Morphine for pain. I would call my girlfriend during the day and every night before I would go to bed. I would always ask if she was okay and if she would like for me to come home to spend the night with her. She would always reply that she was doing well and I needed to take care of my Mother.The accusations of me forgetting I have a wife still bother me to this day, I do believe that this is an excuse to justify the things that she did five days after the wedding. My new wife informs me five days after the wedding that she is in love with her baby’s Daddy!! Hell yeah! This is the kicker. He was already involved with his girlfriend( for about 6 months) and has no interest in my wife what so ever. After 3 weeks of living in the same apartment, I could not take another minute of her whining about wanting to be with David (The Baby’s Daddy). I went to visit my sister and her family in West Virginia. I was gone for a week. When I returned, she had moved out into an apartment on the other side of town with one of her girlfriends.This is when I got the classic line, “I need some space to clear my mind and my heart; I am not leaving you for another man”. I like everyone else in this situation began to do the begging, pleading and convincing to no avail. Having a very persistent personality, I began to read every book I could get my hands on about the subject (marriage, relationships, getting your ex back etc.). In all over sixty books, I can usually read a book a day. I have made two unsuccessful attempts at “No Contact” generally breaking on day number twenty. I as I told my brother who I moved into my Mothers house to take care of after her death, which has cerebral palsy that I was not going to contact her again period. This is day number 36 of my third attempt of “No Contact”. She will call and leave me voice mails but I do not return them. Her mail comes to my house and when I take it to her I just leave it under her wiper blade on her car at her job. I have been paying for her half of the cell phone bill since she left me and I wrote a note on the AT&T bill that I needed her portion of the bill by December 1, 2009. She called that day to tell me she could not afford to pay it, that was two weeks ago. I told her to get her boyfriend to pay it. She adamantly replies that she does not have a boyfriend. I have read too many books and read to many threads here on Love Shack to believe that line. Just a few moments ago, she left a voice mail asking me not to turn off her phone she can not afford to pay the bill. She also said she called me yesterday and I did not call her back. I just checked my phone and she did call yesterday I just did not notice. This new “No Contact” is helping very much. I do love her very much; however, there has been no talk of reconciliation at all. My question is do I shut the phone off tonight or do I just let it continue. I plan on keeping true to my “No Contact” I want her to come crawling back. If not I will have her out of my system and move on.
Left in a Lurch Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Shut it off. Otherwise you might be surprised when she hits you with a huge bill to get back at you, even though you do a nice thing leaving it on. A cell phone is a want, not a need, and since she moved out, for her to expect you to pay for it to reward her is just crazy. I'd send her a text right before it gets shut off that says, "Done". If she contacts you tell her your wallet stayed with you when she left.
LisaUk Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hi First I just want to say I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. To marry you and just five days later leave is terrible, my doctor told me (as my ex is commitment phobic) that she has had patients that this has happened to and it is usually because the leaver has commitment phobia. Some may say, how can they when they married? Well, they can, for each CP the trigger point is different, for some engaement, for some living together, for some marriage and for some just after marriage when they panic b/c they have commited and now feel illogically trapped. (some it is birth of a child, last child etc). For her to use the excuse (I think that is what it is) of you looking after your dying mother, is quite frankly deplorable and if she really does mean it (although like I said, sounds like an excuse, b/c why marry you if she was unhappy), you are much better off without her. As for the phone, shut it off. She made the choice to leave you, she must live with the consequences, you gave her fair warning. Stay NC, be strong you can do it, I am NC now 7 months.
hopesndreams Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 So sorry on the passing of your mum. My mum too had battled cancer and I had cared for her the last 2 months she was on this earth. What your then gf and now W did is deplorable. Be thankful you didn't continue on with this type of person. She is needy and self-indulgent. Be grateful you didn't have children with her as well. Be done with her. Get a lawyer, file D. She's worthless and cruel beyond belief.
Author Reading Machine Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Friends, I turned her phone off this morning. I received an IM asking why? After 37 days of "No Contact" this was my reply. At this point, I just want you to leave me alone. I am going on with my life. Our marriage has no hope. It does no good for a man to try and love his wife when she does not have any love for him in her heart. I mean love that a women has for her husband. Why would I want to be friends with someone that has lied to me, cheated on me dozens of times. I want to find a woman who will give me the love that is a reflection of the love I give her. Why should I pay for your phone when your out looking for my replacement. It would be a different story if you wanted to try and fix our problems; but you have made it clear on many occastions that you have no interest in working on our marriage. This leaves me no choice but to go on with my life. It is the new mans turn to pay for your bill and put up with your lies and cheating.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.. And I have to say, your wife (fiance back then) should be ASHAMED of her behaviour! Family comes first and yes, she is your family, but when a parent is dying, THAT comes first! I know when my father was dying of cancer in the hospital, everything else in my life came second, including work. (Took time off to be with him.) Anyway, as painful as this is on you, you are doing the right thing. She isn't capable of giving, let alone loving and supporting you. Instead, she thinks of herself and is selfish. She is a cheater and someone you can't rely on. Ever.
Angel1111 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Anyone who criticizes you for taking care of a dying parent is about as deplorable as they come. My ex did this to me when both of my parents were dying at the same time. He threw fits because I wasn't around enough - this was only a 2-wk period. I never hated anyone so completely as I did when he couldn't even be a shoulder for me to lean on during one of the most difficult times in my life. Your wife - soon to be ex - is an immature child and I know it probably doesn't feel like it but you're better off without her. If it's not one excuse it'll be another as to why she will end this marriage one way or another. One day you'll understand even more clearly how ridiculous she really is. I'm sorry for what you're going through but you did good by not contacting her and turning the phone off. Btw, what did you mean when you said to her that you couldn't be with someone who has cheated on you dozens of times - is that true? She did that?
Author Reading Machine Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 I am only going on hear-say. I have never caught her with anyone else. Of course, she denies it like anyone who cheats does. I received an email saying that she left me because of my attitude and the way I was treating her. It is not possible for someone to have a little bit of an attitude problem when they have lost their job, buried their Mother and then has their new wife tell them that they no longer love them. By the way my brother and I are coping well, I still have no job and I am trying to maitain, "No Contact".
phineas Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I'm not sure if i'm reading this correctly, but you somehow changed into a whole different person 5 days after your wedding day? Is this what she is accusing you of? My wife accused me of the same the thing. Claimed I ignored her. but she was chatting online with her boyfriend. Who was ignoring who & for whom? You can probably get the marriage anulled based on when she moved out.
LisaUk Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Yeah, good point Phin, look into annullment before divorce, ( I know in the UK you have to be married at least 12 months before you can file for divorce), it may be possible given she left b/c she said she is in love with her babys father 5 days after the wedding. See a lawyer, will be much better for you financially. Hope you are doing well today, well done for shuting off the phone.
Author Reading Machine Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 All the IMing this morning was merely a waste of my time. Actions speak louder than words. She claims she left me because of my attitude and ill treatment. BS- If this women truly loved me she would have stayed with me and tried to work on our problems instead of moving out. They say ( On this site and many relationship books) that people leave a relationship for three reasons. 1.) They are already seeing somone else. 2.) They are interested in someone else. 3.) They think they can meet someone better. Pick anyone of these reasons they all mean the same thing; they do not want you. I am definitly going back to " No Contact".
Left in a Lurch Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 All the IMing this morning was merely a waste of my time. Actions speak louder than words. She claims she left me because of my attitude and ill treatment. BS- If this women truly loved me she would have stayed with me and tried to work on our problems instead of moving out. They say ( On this site and many relationship books) that people leave a relationship for three reasons. 1.) They are already seeing somone else. 2.) They are interested in someone else. 3.) They think they can meet someone better. Pick anyone of these reasons they all mean the same thing; they do not want you. I am definitly going back to " No Contact". I don't even know you but I am proud of your letter. You stood up for yourself. Even if she left for your attitude, what kind of person thinks you will keep paying her bills after she leaves? An adult woman would understand that if you leave somebody, they are not going to keep paying for your stuff and supporting you. You handled it perfectly.
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