being a supportive girlfriend

[SageThyme]

I just want to support him. He's been running into an old friend/former housemate of ours at court, and he wants to take her out to sushi sometime soon. This is the woman he had a crush on before me, and he followed her to the halfway house where we met. He has said before that she reminds him a bit of his foster mother, whom he had a relationship with. I know he thinks she's really cute, too, because she's Japanese and he likes her accent especially. But on a deeper level... I know that he cares for her, and he is protective of her well-being. He's a very sweet guy. I don't honestly know how she feels about him, and he says that they are just friends. Is it really any of my business?

 

He says they're friends; I should believe him and, more importantly, be happy for him. I want to be okay with that. I also want to be okay with the idea that he may cheat on me with her, and even ultimately choose her over me. Shouldn't I just be grateful for the time I get with him, and try to show him my everything without feeling like I am going to lose him? Just try and live in the moment... How do I keep him entertained on dates? What are some fun things to do? I get the feeling sometimes that he compares me with her - for instance, I told him one day that if he saw any food with my name on it in the shared refrigerator, he was welcome to help himself and have any of it he wanted. He responded, "That's what ******* said to me. You and she do the same thing. She shares her food with me too." She comes up a lot in conversations - he'll start talking about what he wants to do with her when he takes her out, but he thinks that she's the one who told on us to the counselors at the halfway house. He thinks she's the one who said we were having sex and outed us, and he thinks she is testing him now to see if she can have him, that she's wanted him for a long time... And yet he says they are just friends.

 

I want to be supportive of him. If he wants to talk about her to me, then he should feel safe enough to do so. He's accused me of cheating on him in the recent past - there was three other men at the halfway house who were sexually harassing me, and my boyfriend - in spite of my telling him that I felt uncomfortable around them and telling them to leave me the **** alone - let their taunts get to him and got paranoid that I was cheating with one of them on him. It hurt me that he honestly believed I was, and he nearly left me for that. But now we're back on a steady path; he's acknowledged that he knows I didn't cheat on him, but nevertheless I feel now like I need to be careful of being around other men, for fear that he'll think the worst. How do I handle this? He's jealous sometimes, he says, but then he flirts a lot with other women. He does it less now; there was this incident where he made innuendo about eating this other woman out right in front of me, and he teasingly accused me of "ruining his game" when I asked her later if she were interested in him (I wanted to know if I were getting in the way of a possible connection between them). Was that a mistake to ask her that question? Was that butting too much into his business? I've stopped asking questions when he describes interacting with other women, and now he tells me when they hit on him. Is that healthy? Does that mean that I am earning his trust, that he feels comfortable enough to tell me these things?

 

He loves me a great deal, and I love him. He just met part of my family during Thanksgiving, and when we talk on the phone, we make each other laugh. He's always hugging and kissing me, and when no one is looking running his hands over the back of my pants. We speak kitty language to each other - I worry sometimes that he'll think it's immature, but it's how we communicate, and he initiates it too. He says sometimes that he doesn't understand how I'm with him, when I could have found someone else. And then he's been thinking for a long time where to take me on Christmas; we've set up a date for the longest time for Christmas, and he keeps thinking about how he's going to save up money for the holidays. He was calculating how much he would have to spend to take the lady out for sushi, and he sounded like he was apologizing to me for taking it out of Christmas money (he thinks that as the guy he needs to pay, but then I told him that girls like to treat too, and I've been paying for the last couple weeks when we've gone out). I know he wants to feel like a provider, and I don't want to take that from him - but I worry about him feeling accountable to me about his money. He shouldn't have to; if anything he should expect me to support him too. I love him regardless, right - that song "My Love Don't Cost a Thing" said it. I've told him that he is always welcome anywhere I am, and that I want to make sure he is safe. Is that too stifling? I don't want to talk down to him. I just want him to feel I have his back, that he can always depend on me to be there for him. What does being there mean?

 

With all my heart... Thank you.

Edited December 1, 2009 by SageThyme

[Javelin]

SageThyme,

 

Your level of respect, love, compassion, and companionship for your boyfriend is undeniably strong, but I fear that he has not matured enough to realize the depth of it all, which is unfortunate. You've also asked a fair bit of questions that I think you already know the answer to, but one might be slightly puzzling to you.

 

and he says that they are just friends. Is it really any of my business?

 

If you feel threatened by anyone (girl or guy) that your boyfriend is dealing with, then it is your business. In this case, your boyfriend has a history of feeling something for this girl and now she is back in his life. As a woman, your intuition is already alerting you to her antics and his actions are throwing up red flags. On the one side, yes he is able to have his female friends, but to a certain point and here's where the issue lies. That point is to keep those friends at a distance, so that you're comfortable with the friendship. Yet, he's not doing that, is he?

 

The solution to your problem is to communicate your feelings to him and also attend this sushi outing.

[serialgf]

why are you in a halfway house? it seems like you should be focusing on your recovery... and so should he...

[SageThyme]

Thank you both for your advice and support. Javelin, thank you for your insight. My boyfriend just started talking about another girl last night, one who tells him everything about her and her boyfriend, including that she's unhappy with him. He says she might have a crush on him. Like you said, if these women are a threat to our relationship (which, if they continue to tempt him, they might be), then this becomes my business too. I'm really thankful you said that, because I worried about whether or not I was respecting his privacy. In these cases, though ...if we made a commitment to each other, then we honor it.

 

serialgf, you make a good point as well. In the beginning, we were concerned about that as well - we were both in treatment for mental health issues. I am no longer at that treatment program because other clients sexually harassed me; one, in particular, force-kissed me against my will. The staff allowed him to stay and put me on contract, saying I needed to keep myself out of this situation. Another man harassed me, and we wound up fighting - I was kicked out of the program for fighting with him. But beside the point... While I was still in the program, we avoided becoming involved for just that reason: it was program that should take priority. Now I'm trying to respect his space because I know he's still in treatment (for another 10 days), so we check in with each other about taking medications and going to support groups, and we motivate each other to save money and not spend so much. Maybe it wasn't the wisest choice ...when the other men began harassing me, my boyfriend and I finally got together, in part to keep them from harassing me further, and also because if staff was letting them harass me (they let the man who forced himself on me stay, as well as the other two who harassed me), then we decided that they had no business limiting a consensual relationship. Other clients have partners who are not in treatment, and they are allowed regular contact, so at least the situation is more acceptable in terms of no innerhouse relationship anymore. But I still hear what you're saying - we're both dealing with our own issues. We need to be very careful that we're not standing in each other's way to treatment and health, and walking our own paths.

 

Thank you both for your advice!

Edited December 3, 2009 by SageThyme

[Spectre]

The bottom line is if you're in a relationship you should not be going out to dinner alone with a member of the opposite sex unless said person is your mother or sister or something.

 

It's really as simple as 2+2, this is common sense all people should have. If you have to point out to him that going out to dinner with another chick is wrong, well..what's the point of a relationship?