NON-EXSISTENT Sex life Continues..........

[goingcrazy03]

i've posted here before, hopfully some of you got a chance to read it, to sum it up its is about my husband and I's no exsistent sex life. We have been together for over 4yrs now, and for the past year or so we have sex maybe if i'm lucky once every 6 wks. And "no" i know for a fact he isn't cheating on me. I've heard every reason and every excuxe, from depression, i just don't feel like it, drinking to much, to tired, i can go on for days. I've taken everyone's advice, from; he's depressed cause he doesnt feel like a man since he's been laid off, he has a few cocktails at night, totally serious ive heard it all. He says i have no reason to feel unwanted, his reason; cause he doesnt wake up in the morning and ignore me, or he doesnt beat me up. That we watch movies/shows together, he slaps my ass a couple times a week, or he might give me a kiss or a hug once a week.

I honestly and truly don't want to be with anyone else nor could i see myself with another man, but i honestly can't take it anymore. He used to be caring and considerate towards my feelings about the whole non sex issue, he would promise to get better, he would promise to try. Now he gets angry and tells me if im that miserable go find someone to be with. And a few other heated arguments that got me thinking even more...

He likes to say very hurtful and mean things when we are arguing, and then a few hrs after the argument apologize and say he just said them cause he was pissed he didnt mean it. During this long horrible ordeal, i am starting to resent him, look at him different, i still am deeply in love with him, the man i knew a year ago. I'm 30 yrs old, never in my wildest dreams i thought i would have a sex life like this. I was stupid and under the impression, men love sex, want sex, and its usually the women that don't and the men complaining.

So today after "taking care of myself" this morning, i lost it, i looked at him and told him in the calm nice, civilized manor i cant take it anymore. I would rather be alone with a broken heart then be in a sexless relationship. which i know he was shocked i wasnt yelling and screaming, that i was calm as can be. He in turn got loud and ****ty with me, saying thats fine go find another man. I told him okay then, you aren't willing to help this relationship, you chose things that only make him happy (which he has said numerous times, he does things to make HIMSELF happy), you dont even try, i'm done. During this point i was getting ready to leave to do some shopping. He makes a comment about me going to sleep with someone, i snapped, told him why wouldnt i since you wont, and i walked out.

I didnt cry and freak out like i usually do, i just felt empty. When i got home, he was talking to me like nothing happened, i was far from acting that way. So now he says he for sure doesnt want to have sex, cause now i'm supposably cheating on him, which he knows dam well, im not, its just another excuse. When do you say enough is enough? Its gotten to the point in the past month, i usually sleep in the other bedroom, which is by choice, i get so angry and pissed sleeping in our bed together when nothing has changed. It hasn't gotten unnoticed, he makes comments about two people being together need to sleep in the same bed, when my come back always is, two people together have sex. I do everything for this man, cook, clean, laundry, errands, kids etc. And i truly honestly only complain about sex, i just dont see how much better you can have it. So my question is "When is enough is enough?" I cant go on much longer..

[JamesM]

As a man who is in a nearly sexless marriage (you have sex more than I do ), I can understand what you are saying.

 

What else do you need to do?

 

And in your case, men are visually stimulated as a recent thread discussed for a looong time. So why would he not be interested?

 

Obvious questions....

 

Since it has been about a year, can you think of anything...and I mean anything...that may have changed at around the same time or before that time?

 

Since it was the subject of another thread, have you gained weight prior to the lack of sex?

 

What happens when you do have sex? Is he interested? Or does he act like he is somewhere else? Is he affectionate?

 

Since you know for a fact that he isn't cheating (which in all fairness, men CAN hide it quite well), then the next question is...does he watch a lot of porn and if so what kind? Has he ever shown an interest in men? (Have to ask).

 

Otherwise, tell him you found a good man in a sexless marriage who would really appreciate you. THEN see what he does. Sadly, probably nothing.

 

I know you have heard it before, but I believe that men have a reason that they no longer want sex...even moreso than women. "All" you need to do is find out why.

[Malenfant]

my ex was like that. it wasnt me, i can assure you. I was 12 years younger than him, very fruity, in excellent shape physically, wasnt a prude at all. he just had a very low libido, and he said he was happy as he was.

 

i stayed for years cos i loved him and didnt want to leave on the basis of sex alone, cos i'd always felt that other aspects of a relationship are more important.

 

But bit by bit, it ate away at me. i wont go into lengths cos it would take ages but things happened because of this which eventually ended with me leaving.

Years of rejection have took their toll on me. I left 2 years ago, and am only just recently starting to feel sexy in myself again.

 

What he didnt understand was it wasnt just the act of satisfying myself that i wanted, it was the intimacy, the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of being craved. likewise i wanted to give him those feelings too.

he didnt understand, i had so much to give.

 

the ultimate rejection was not physically, but emotionally by his refusal to accept my lustfull and intimate feelings.

when you love someone, you need to show them in everyway, and he wouldnt let me, he didnt appreciate how i felt and that was what hurt the most.

 

I cant advise you on what to do, as our situations are different, but i'll just say that i wish i had left many more years ago, then maybe i wouldnt be so f**ked up and anxious about sex, and it wouldnt have taken me so long just to start getting back to normal.

 

I'm your age, and i feel upset that i'm not the sexually confident person i thought i would be. it was my fault for staying as long as I did.

Edited December 1, 2009 by Malenfant

[goingcrazy03]

As a man who is in a nearly sexless marriage (you have sex more than I do ), I can understand what you are saying.

 

What else do you need to do?

 

And in your case, men are visually stimulated as a recent thread discussed for a looong time. So why would he not be interested?

 

Obvious questions....

 

Since it has been about a year, can you think of anything...and I mean anything...that may have changed at around the same time or before that time?

 

Since it was the subject of another thread, have you gained weight prior to the lack of sex?

 

What happens when you do have sex? Is he interested? Or does he act like he is somewhere else? Is he affectionate?

 

Since you know for a fact that he isn't cheating (which in all fairness, men CAN hide it quite well), then the next question is...does he watch a lot of porn and if so what kind? Has he ever shown an interest in men? (Have to ask).

 

Otherwise, tell him you found a good man in a sexless marriage who would really appreciate you. THEN see what he does. Sadly, probably nothing.

 

I know you have heard it before, but I believe that men have a reason that they no longer want sex...even moreso than women. "All" you need to do is find out why.

 

we've been through what i call "normal" ups and downs. He first blamed the non sex on getting laid off from his job. he has every excuse in the world. And no i haven't gained a pound, im not a super model, but im far from horrible. I have given up "trying" to come on to him or have sex, i cant handle the rejection nor the excuses. When we do have it, which last time was middle of october, was a afternoon fling which he started, everything was going great, then he stopped and promised we would finish later that night, obviously later never happened. for the first 1 1/2 yrs or so our sex life was perfect, i'm not stupid i know the whole honey moon period, but this is just down right pathetic. I even tell him, once a week, if we can at least 1 time a week i wont complain.

he doesnt even leave the house to physically cheat on me. as for porn, we used to watch it together, had no problem with it when we had a "normal" sex life. I know he still watches it (without me), he claims its a couple times a week 10 mins each time at the most. I dont believe that at all. As for what kind, well, he likes women giving me oral, not porn stars regular people, then a couple times i saw he watched some "different" things, no not men, hes far from gay.

I'm not stuck on myself, but he truly and seriously couldn't find someone like me, that would put up with a ton of things, and also take care of everything in our family, when all he does is look for jobs, play video games and surf the net. I keep thinking if he sees i'm dead serious about leaving, he will change, but there is also a part of me, that just cant do it anymore. thank you for your advice, it helped:)

[goingcrazy03]

my ex was like that. it wasnt me, i can assure you. I was 12 years younger than him, very fruity, in excellent shape physically, wasnt a prude at all. he just had a very low libido, and he said he was happy as he was.

 

i stayed for years cos i loved him and didnt want to leave on the basis of sex alone, cos i'd always felt that other aspects of a relationship are more important.

 

But bit by bit, it ate away at me. i wont go into lengths cos it would take ages but things happened because of this which eventually ended with me leaving.

Years of rejection have took their toll on me. I left 2 years ago, and am only just recently starting to feel sexy in myself again.

 

What he didnt understand was it wasnt just the act of satisfying myself that i wanted, it was the intimacy, the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of being craved. likewise i wanted to give him those feelings too.

he didnt understand, i had so much to give.

 

the ultimate rejection was not physically, but emotionally by his refusal to accept my lustfull and intimate feelings.

when you love someone, you need to show them in everyway, and he wouldnt let me, he didnt appreciate how i felt and that was what hurt the most.

 

I cant advise you on what to do, as our situations are different, but i'll just say that i wish i had left many more years ago, then maybe i wouldnt be so f**ked up and anxious about sex, and it wouldnt have taken me so long just to start getting back to normal.

 

I'm your age, and i feel upset that i'm not the sexually confident person i thought i would be. it was my fault for staying as long as I did.

 

Thank you so much for replying to my post, im sad to hear someone else went through what im going through, having someone that can relate makes me feel so much better

I couldn't have said it better myself :

"What he didnt understand was it wasnt just the act of satisfying myself that i wanted, it was the intimacy, the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of being craved. likewise i wanted to give him those feelings too.

he didnt understand, i had so much to give."

I've felt the same way, i don't want to leave him based on sex. But you are so right, on bit by bit it just eats you away. I never ever could imagine being with another man, I still love him with all my heart. But now i'm not handling it as well. I still do not want anyone else, i'm starting to resent him, everytime we watch something and he makes a comment on some girls "big boobs" (which never bothered me before, when we had a normal sex life) i want to ring his neck. I used to go through the pc and check out the porn he watched, but i stopped that months ago, it just pissed me off, cause i know he isnt going to stop.

 

which like i said never bothered me before cause sex was great and we would watch it together, now its a different story. i havent gained a pound, i look the same if not better then i did 4 yrs ago. He's the one that has put on 60lbs, and i tell him all the time i dont care i still find him, hot, sexy etc. I'm 30 not 80. I tell him our cats get laid more then i do. I've been everything from beyond nice to an extreme bitch. nothing works.

 

We do not have any kids together, he has 2 from a previous and i have 1. I do love our family, but unfortunately this hate and anger is building up inside of me, that i cant take much longer. As of about 4 hrs ago, we aren't speaking to each other. He's apparently mad at me cause i'm pissed at him cause of our non exsistent sex life. that i pretty much have to deal with it, oh ya and this is a good one that he said " i need to treat him like he is treating me, i need to withhold sex from him if he tries", which is the biggest joke in the world, like i have idiot written across my forehead.

 

He hasn't even tried, and hes obviously shown me he doesn't want/need sex from me, so how would me treating him the same work. Mind games thats what it is. I'm sorry i'm starting to ramble on, cause i'm so irrate right now.

[TimH]

There is obviously something wrong with your Man.It could be any number of things,so I would do some type of step program with him.You didnt mention anything else being wrong other than sex,so I think you guys deserve a chance before ever leaving.Talk to him,tell him you want both of you to go to see a sex therapist.If he declines draw a line in the sand with a cut-off date for him to cooperate with your decision.If he declines again move out of the bedroom,dont do anything for him,nothing.Let that go for about a week.If that doesn't work move the goal post again to something like staying at a friends or family members,again giving him a cut-off date.If that doesn't work move out as a temporary situation again with a cut-off date.Finally if all this doesn't work,then its obvious whats next.You can certainly replace any of the steps with others of your own,since you know your Man best.Good luck.

[luvstarved]

Well, I have been there and back again so I cannot really tell you what WILL work...but do have some empirical thoughts to share...

 

Nagging and complaining absolutely won't work...that'll shrivel a guy in a NY minute...I know that this comes from frustration and you feel like you have tried everything else. BTDT too...but, it really makes things worse if it has any effect at all.

 

Being super nice did not work for me, either. I have tried that for various periods of time with two basic results: he happily feels "accepted" without the sex, and hurray he wins...OR...he nonetheless finds something else wrong or claims my niceness is "insincere", or "clingy"...

 

Like another poster said, this is going on for a reason. He might have some level of ED that he does not want to admit to, he might be bored and doesn't want to say so, or have fantasies that he is afraid to share but feels compelled by, he might just not be into you (about which there is NOTHING you can do), he might actually PREFER the selfish lazy easy outlet of masturbation (my H's basic problem), or he might just miss the thrill of the chase...hard to say...

 

I have only had one method that semi-works for me, and it sounds like your H even hinted at it. That is to let it go and act like you don't care about it. My H is most responsive to me when I act normal/cheerful/respectful to him and not bring up sex at all, but also a bit distant and uninterested...like, I don't want him either, but I'm not going to let it ruin my life.

 

Even more effective is getting out of the house, making plans for things you want to do with or without him ("I'm going to this concert/movie/lecture/whatever, do you want to go, too?")...it sort of boils down to coming across as a happy independent person instead of a "needy" crabby demanding one. I am NOT saying you aren't justified in your frustration, just saying - I think that is how it comes across to him, because that is how my H takes it...

 

At some level, I know that when I do this, I am "faking" because in the back of my mind, I am still thinking, am I ever going to get a decent sex life? And I know that at some level it plays on his insecurities...he starts wanting me more when he questions my interest/desire for him. Good luck being in a LTR without a few head games,though.

 

I would not continue with the "find someone else" stuff unless that is where you think you are headed. But, a little taste of his own medicine might not hurt. I found that when I made a bit of a show of "taking care of myself" (e.g., get a vibrator), or looking at porn on my own, or ogling other men somewhat, that got his attention too. Maybe you should try obviously leaving some "porn history" of your own for him to find and just see how he reacts...

 

The thing is, it is hard to tell from your post whether his lack of interest has more to do with him or more to do with you...I don't mean that in the sense of "you are doing something wrong"...but whether it is some problem that he is ashamed to talk about (performance anxiety/ED, etc...) or whether he has irrevocably lost interest in having sex with you personally. After 13 years, I still haven't completely figured this one out with my H.

 

I wish I had more hopeful things to say. This is an awful situation...

[luvstarved]

Ah...one last little comment I meant to make...yes the intimacy and closeness factor is a pretty huge part of it, but it MIGHT be the part that he is avoiding the most! Food for thought - do you really have closeness otherwise, like best-friend-talk-about-anything close? Does he get angry or act threatened at criticism, etc...

[JaneInVegas]

It could be he needs Viagra, and is just too embarrased to share this with you. I would post my own horror story with my ex from back around 2001 - 2003 (sex every 6 months or so, wasn't pretty) but it's too embarrasing for me to share.

 

But he had an impotency problem at the age of 34, and would have rather died than share that with me. Maybe that's what the problem is with your husband, too.

 

Please don't turn it into a totally negative situation, it will only make it worse. Good luck to you, I know how frustrating it is!!

[moomba]

I am experiencing many of the same things with my boyfriend. He is 30 years old and is also not currently working though I am and I do think the not working and the mild depression that comes from feeling like he is not contributing to the household money does play a role. We have been together for just under 3 years and sex started as a many times a day thing that is now down to maybe 1 time a month. He says he is still attracted to me though he admits to sometimes missing the excitement of something “new and different” but he says he loves me and truly believes we make great partners and that he is attracted to me and enjoys having sex with me and wants to spend his life with me. I know I am quite attractive though I don’t always dress up just to hang out around the house and I suppose I could do that a bit more. (I did try dressing up a bit more which at one point he said might help but it didn’t actually lead to more sex. Just to him telling me how hot I looked which I admit was nice). He says he really doesn’t think the sex thing is a big deal and that he isn’t worried about it but won’t seem to accept that for me it is a big thing and I am worried about it.

 

I know the whole nagging in complaining thing doesn’t work but at the same time doing nothing certainly isn’t getting me more sex or helping me to feel any better about the situation. I actually worry that the do nothing approach is just making me feel more distant from him and though I love him very much I do occasionally find myself wondering if I wouldn’t be happier with someone who actually appreciated me. I know I don’t really want to cheat on him but it is also always in the back of my mind that if I were with someone else I wouldn’t be feeling so unappreciated sexually. I worry that if this goes on for much longer I will decide that is what will make me happier and start looking for someone else to have sex with and then the wonderful relationship I have built with my current boyfriend will be over.

 

I agree the being nice thing didn’t work out so well as I got the same “you are being clingy” responses and the coming home attempting to be all sexy and initiate something wild basically got me a look like not only was I clingy but crazy as well. And I am certainly no prude or anything like that in the bedroom.. I am willing to do all sorts of things and I initiate all sorts of things..

 

He has also at one point said that sometimes for him masturbation does seem the easier (I hear lazier) route to sexual tension release. He says that sometimes he really does feel like having sex with me but then he gets all like … “ohh it is going to have to be some big ordeal and what not and then chooses to instead masturbate or do something else all together and tells himself we will have sex another day” or he says sometimes he will start realizing it has been over 2 weeks or 3 weeks and that he probably “needs to have sex with me soon” and that just the idea that he needs to makes him less inclined to do so even if he actually wanted to.

 

I have been thinking a lot about just taking the getting out of the house on my own route to solving this problem but as I said.. I kind of worry that I may start looking elsewhere for the intimacy I am lacking with him if I start spending most of my time away from him. Plus as it stands now I still really enjoy his company I just want to enjoy him sexually as well. Maybe going to get myself a new vibrator and bringing it home to use everyday would get my point across??

 

I am really curious how other men see this whole guys who don't have sex thing.. I mean what 30 year old guy wouldn't jump all over an attractive (yes I have a good self esteem and have been told repeatedly that I am attractive) girlfriend who walked into the house naked and tried to strip him down for a BJ in the middle of her lunch break.. but it is like he just isn't into it??

[Malenfant]

I have been thinking a lot about just taking the getting out of the house on my own route to solving this problem but as I said.. I kind of worry that I may start looking elsewhere for the intimacy I am lacking with him if I start spending most of my time away from him. Plus as it stands now I still really enjoy his company I just want to enjoy him sexually as well. Maybe going to get myself a new vibrator and bringing it home to use everyday would get my point across??

 

my situation was i suppose a bit unusual. after years of my complaining, my ex said why dont i get a man on the side, so as to relieve him of the responsibility of satisfying me. nice huh? but he still wanted us to be together as he wanted my happiness and thought that this was a way to keep our relationship going.

 

well.. i was shocked to say the least and didnt want that, but after a year or so after that conversation i met someone that there was an instant connection with. no strings sex ensued, with my ex having full knowledge of, and bit by bit i transferred all my lustfull feelings onto this other guy.

 

the next problem came when my ex decided he was (after another few years) now feeling more sexy, and that i should stop seeing this guy as he was now ready to 'take over' as it were, but by this time i had completely seperated my love and desire, love to my ex, desire for this other man.

the thought of having sex with my ex now made me feel very strange and uncomfortable and i was so angry that he thought i could just turn it back on after his years of rejection.

 

needless to say, the damage had been done, and obviously i know that i should have left before any of that happened, but i didnt because i genuinely did want to stay in the relationship as the sex was the only issue.

 

I have only ever wanted to be happy with one person, now i am married and so happy. I have hang ups because of my past but my H is very understanding and we're working through them together.

Edited December 5, 2009 by Malenfant

[allhopelost]

Perhaps he is deliberately distancing himself from you out of his own concerns about his health and long term self diagnosed prognosis. He really should be convinced to go see a doctor and rule out any medical concerns he may have but is to afraid to face. It is easier to let someone go gradually (selfishly in ones mind) than to worry about the void and pain that will be left if one were to be suddenly stricken with illness or death. He may genuinely feel this way and wants to make sure that in his mind at least you will be OK and can move on.

[You Go Girl]

I have no idea, having never known a man like that, but I do have a close friend whose husband is like that. He just doesn't like sharing his body that much. He thinks it's his body, so there, and he doesn't even like porn.

 

The fact that you have been replaced by porn twice a week sends really big red flags to me. He'd rather escape into fantasy sex than have real sex. Twice a week for ten minutes, ok, that's his natural sex drive, twice a week, and he's not sharing either one of those two occurances with you.

Laziness, sure, physical problem, perhaps, mental problem--yep. He's so complacent.

Ask him to go see a therapist and tell the therapist ALL the reasons why, and that he doesn't have to share that information with you. ( at this time).

If he's at least willing to discuss it with somebody, then there's hope.

Video games, not working, porn, no sex with wife, all that's left is for him is to stop taking showers, cuz why bother, life in the lazy lane is good enough.

Start showing him that people LIVE. He's half-dead. Go out and do things-he can come along if he wants, he can stay at home if he wants. He really needs to be interested in life again--and he seems to have lost all zeal.