My GF decided we'd take a 1 week break...

[JaggedRoad]

I have to say that this is a great thread. Josh, the situation does not look good for you. These people know what they are talking about, so pay close attention.

[HLP234]

She will call and she will be like why haven't you called or texted me to see what I'm doing?

 

If you act upset she will be like well whats wrong and she will say stuff like I don't think you are happy with me, making you think she wants you. Then once she notices things are ok she will say she wants to check how you are doing and that she worries about you.

 

They do this because they either dunno what they want, are confused, or just don't want to cut you out of their life completely..in case things go wrong.

 

My gf asked for a break after she moved closer to me..and I did nothing wrong but treat her like a princess ever since we started dating. And apparently that is wrong to some people, she said she would of gone back to her ex who cheated on her if he hadn't told her to leave.

 

You have to know when to be nice and when to treat them like crap at times, its normal for girls to get bored.

 

I'm going through this now and we talk and hang out but we don't even do anything intimate rarely because she says she still needs time and if we do, it will cloud her mind..watever that means.

 

Depends if you are willing to put up with it and how long, it will only hurt you later more, I know it might for me because I'm still waiting like a dumby.

[darknightie]

a break is just delaying the inevitable: a break UP.

 

We are not looking at the negative, we are looking at the realistic. All of these responses are coming from people who have dealt with enough of this emotional instability to target where they see it. Myself included. She is testing the waters on her free "week" to see if this dude is better for her. You are playing second fiddle. How does that make you feel?

 

She does not think a week is enough to dissolve any feelings, she is telling you what she knows you need to hear to allow it. She KNOWS you, she knows how to press your buttons and how to get what she wants. Women, generally, are pretty smart about this stuff. We find innocent sounding ways to justify our transgressions (thanks tiger woods for the word of the day).

 

I mean this from the bottom of my heart: read the responses you are getting from here, and prepare for the worst.

 

I'm afraid she has already made up her mind, she is softening the blow.

[silic0ntoad]

a break is just delaying the inevitable: a break UP.

 

We are not looking at the negative, we are looking at the realistic. All of these responses are coming from people who have dealt with enough of this emotional instability to target where they see it. Myself included. She is testing the waters on her free "week" to see if this dude is better for her. You are playing second fiddle. How does that make you feel?

 

She does not think a week is enough to dissolve any feelings, she is telling you what she knows you need to hear to allow it. She KNOWS you, she knows how to press your buttons and how to get what she wants. Women, generally, are pretty smart about this stuff. We find innocent sounding ways to justify our transgressions (thanks tiger woods for the word of the day).

 

I mean this from the bottom of my heart: read the responses you are getting from here, and prepare for the worst.

 

I'm afraid she has already made up her mind, she is softening the blow.

 

 

+1 On all of this. It's completely true.

 

Now, we could all be wrong, and your gf could come running to you on a sunset beach, saved from the dark perils of a pushy guy by you. Then again, life doesn't usually work out this way. Trust me, I tried to hold onto the veil of ignorance when T left me. I really did. I didn't want to see it for what it was.

 

But I had to open my eyes and realise it was already over and stop clinging to the "She'll be back" mentality. She wasn't coming back. She'll never come back. And I don't want her to.

 

So buck up, guy, it's going to be a rocky road if you keep clinging to those sweet nothings.

[sean1970]

My gf asked for a break after she moved closer to me..and I did nothing wrong but treat her like a princess ever since we started dating. And apparently that is wrong to some people, she said she would of gone back to her ex who cheated on her if he hadn't told her to leave.

 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

 

I cannot recommend this book enough to the men who have "treat your SO like a princess" disease. Truth be told, I actually hate reading it; I'm reading about myself and all the things I did/do wrong. You will be amazed at how all the things you think you are doing right have the opposite effect.

 

Women, don't let the title fool you. Believe me, you want your man/men to read this book.

[Josh87]

So I talked to her last night and I'm 100% sure the guy is out of the picture now but I want to know the reasons behind everything. I talked to her about the reasons.

 

We eventually came to the conclusion that she was scared I was going to leave her again (I have a little history of backing out of living with her; NOT backing out of the relationship). Because she was scared I was going to leave her she began "preparing" for me to leave by seeking comfort in this attractive, nice, funny guy.

 

To be honest I am kind of relieved and I almost feel like that is the truth. It may not be. Why did she have to lie to me about it? Why wouldn't she tell me she was scared of me leaving her?

 

Anyways, I may have that "nice guy syndrome" but she certainly doesn't think so. I do feel I am too lenient on a lot of things but even with my leniency she thinks I am a dick sometimes. I really am not trying to bad mouth her I just want to see some changes somehow.

[sean1970]

So I talked to her last night

 

Did you contact her? Was it a week?

 

and I'm 100% sure the guy is out of the picture

 

How are you?

 

I talked to her about the reasons.

 

Lets review (and Im not being flippant here).

 

She will say she is confused...

'We eventually came to the conclusion that she was scared...'

 

Close enough...

 

You will ask why, she will be vague.

'Why wouldn't she tell me she was scared of me leaving her?'

'I almost feel like that is the truth.'

 

I should have said 'vague or feed you bull****'.

You don't run to another man if you feel 'the one you love' is going to leave. If the roles were reversed, would you hook up with another woman? No, you try to work it out, yes?

 

Probably ask to keep in contact.

Ill bet my next paycheck...

Edited December 3, 2009 by sean1970

[billy356]

Ultimately only you can decide what you want to do and what risk you want to take on emotionally.

 

I bet there are a lot of people who have been following this thread who will read your last statement and yell and their computer screen "NO!! Josh, no!!" Or at the very least shake their head a little.

 

But the truth is we were in your shoes once, we did the same things you are doing, we were given the same advice as you have been given. Yet we still made choices that some of us now regret.

 

Whatever path you choose is your path and whatever waits at the end waits only for you. Rest assured if things work out for you and her we will be nothing short of ecstatic for you. Also, take comfort in the fact that if things do not work out, we will be here to help in any way you can and nobody will ever say I told you so. I am sure we will all only say, "What can we do to help"

[Josh87]

Did you contact her? Was it a week?

 

 

 

How are you?

 

 

 

Lets review (and Im not being flippant here).

 

She will say she is confused...

'We eventually came to the conclusion that she was scared...'

 

Close enough...

 

You will ask why, she will be vague.

'Why wouldn't she tell me she was scared of me leaving her?'

'I almost feel like that is the truth.'

 

I should have said 'vague or feed you bull****'.

You don't run to another man if you feel 'the one you love' is going to leave. If the roles were reversed, would you hook up with another woman? No, you try to work it out, yes?

 

Probably ask to keep in contact.

Ill bet my next paycheck...

 

You're right about most everything you said especially the last part.

 

But I am willing to find out what's going to happen. I am as solid as a rock emotionally. I may get hurt but I won't feel it hard. I have things to occupy my time like work, the gym, video games.

 

If I don't get hurt then great. I just hope that if things go well I'm not left with an everlasting wonder of "What really happened that time...?"

[sean1970]

You're right about most everything you said especially the last part.

 

But I am willing to find out what's going to happen. I am as solid as a rock emotionally. I may get hurt but I won't feel it hard. I have things to occupy my time like work, the gym, video games.

 

If I don't get hurt then great. I just hope that if things go well I'm not left with an everlasting wonder of "What really happened that time...?"

 

I had hopes for you Josh... Best of luck... We will be here when you need us...

[jerseyboy]

LOL

 

Shes feeding you what you want to hear bro. Dont buy her bs.

 

And dont buy her description of what occured.

 

Her week, then 40 days nonsense, is about her, not you or "us" Its so she has time and limited guilt to get over you while shes pursuing another man or men. Whiel doing so she doesnt have to deal with the emotional loss of losing you, and has you on a string in case she changes her mind/things dont work out elsewhere.

 

Send her packing and move on

 

Which you wont do, and thats why guys deserve what they get

[HLP234]

Here is the thing, I stop contacting her because I think she needs space like she said she does...she just contacts me and asks why I havent talked to her.

 

I tell her you told me you need space and all that stuff. But I think there is something else going on. Before she moved here she was hangin out with her best friend who was a guy and they talk alot. All of their messages on myspace and crap sites like that are about each other. I confronted her on this and she freaked out and said if she really wanted him she would of gone out with him before she moved here to be closer to me.

 

I don't buy it..something else is going on and we can't even communicate because if I bring it up she says i'm over analyzing and just not letting "us" happen naturally.

 

But I'll take a look at that book.

[traderho]

Anyways, I may have that "nice guy syndrome" but she certainly doesn't think so. I do feel I am too lenient on a lot of things but even with my leniency she thinks I am a dick sometimes. I really am not trying to bad mouth her I just want to see some changes somehow.

 

I think a guy who's girlfriend goes out on dates with other guys, then allows his girlfriend to break up for a week to pursue other men is probably too nice of a guy for his own good. I think she went out on a date with this nice interesting guy, they fooled around, she felt guilty about it but still wanted to pursue him. She gives you a line of crap about needing time for herself, you buy it. She is then free to pursue the other man. They go out, almost certainly have sex, he doesn't call her again then she realizes maybe you are not so bad. If it was me, regardless of whether she had sex with the other guy or not I would want a GF who is into me as much as I am into her.

[HLP234]

Well it turned out bad for me too. I had no idea what was going on anyway. Apparently we've been on break 12 days now and somehow I was asking her what she was doing for the holidays and she said it doesn't matter we are not together anymore.

 

I couldn't get why she would say this all this time and yet still act like everything might be fine with us all along the break. Then she tells me her best friend is trying to get her to date him since he found out we aren't together anymore.

 

She tells me we can't connect, I'm boring, I do things that annoy her, that she has no idea what she wants, she is so confused about it all. But she figures that I should know her friend was telling her how he felt about her.

 

Finally tells me that she can't commit fully to me. She was best friends with me for 5 years before we dated and apparently all of a sudden we don't have any connection, I'm boring, yet she tells me this now not before when I could of actually done something to fix it.

 

I told her I had no words left, I'm terribly upset and depressed and she asked if that meant I'm saying good bye?? What else can I do, sit here and wait longer hoping and wondering?

 

She told her friend her heart is not over me and that she loves me with every piece of it. Yet she says she is torn and doesn't know what is going on. Tells me she is sorry for everything and that she loves me and I haven't said anything back.

 

I hope to deal with this somehow..it really hurts so much, I knew all along something was wrong and would happen like this yet I had hope and waited thinking it would be alright.

 

The last week of the semester is coming up and I have a lot of stuff to do..I don't know how I will get through..but I can no longer be a friend to this person anymore so I must give everything back of hers (pics, and what not) and somehow find a way to tell her that I can't keep that if I am to get any better.

[Josh87]

I'm updating this thread. The week ended Friday and I just recently found out that most of you were right.

 

She says it isn't THE reason for the 1 week break, but she says seeing this Man during the week was a reason for the break. I found out from going through her camera and seeing pics of her on his bed and him at their house dated Dec 2nd.

 

I woke her up and asked her straight. She lied. When I showed her the pictures and started getting emotional she began crying. Then her remorse stopped suddenly.

 

She tells me she has been out with this man 3 times and has never had sex with him. They go back to his place and watch movies and talk. Then they go to sleep.

 

She says she's been seeing him because he's a shoulder to cry on. What is wrong with my shoulder?

 

I don't know what to believe anymore. I know you guys warned me about this but I have to say I really trusted her. I didn't know things were this bad in our relationship. But I guess it doesn't have much to do with me like you guys said "When she finds another man there is nothing you can do."

 

This is the first time in our relationship where she is less willing to fight to keep us alive. She says she "is not sure" if we should keep going even though I said I wanted to. She claims to still love me though. She doesn't know if we can fix it.

 

Before I even found out about all of this last night, I asked her straight up if she wanted me to break up with her. It was feeling like she did. Then I find this out and she isn't sure our relationship can be fixed. It's been fixed before.

 

I don't want to know if you think she had sex with him I know what all of you are going to say. You can leave your feedback though. I'll read it. It's a lot harder than I ever imagined it to be and I'm not feeling as "hard as a rock emotionally" anymore. I cried and I do not cry.

 

Thanks

[Torn_apart]

Whether she had sex or not doesn't really matter anymore. The pasture is greener on the other side for her. You need to realize no amount of talking, pleading or yelling is going to chase that idea out of her mind.

 

Do yourself a favor, finalize it with her and NC all the way.

[HLP234]

Although my situation is similar and she is refusing to communicate with me, and then saying she feels like I am giving up, I have found out she talks to her best friend all the time, non stop..on the phone for hours on end.

 

Don't let her fool you. She may do the same things to make you seem like she feels bad. She may still love you she says, but you don't know that. Just prepare for the worst buddy.

 

I'm doing the same thing yet we are still on break and not together but I can't take it anymore becuase it has caused me so much pain. She simply accuses me of giving up and not wanting to talk to her when I have told her I will do anything if she is willing to make it work as well.

 

I think I will just tell her we can't talk any more or be friends or anything else. Its the only way you will heal and if she doesn't understand and gets upset and turns it around on you, than she doesn't care enough.

 

Just find a way to tell her you have been disrespected and now you need to heal and just look forward to other stuff.

[adamt]

I'm updating this thread. The week ended Friday and I just recently found out that most of you were right.

 

She says it isn't THE reason for the 1 week break, but she says seeing this Man during the week was a reason for the break. I found out from going through her camera and seeing pics of her on his bed and him at their house dated Dec 2nd.

 

I woke her up and asked her straight. She lied. When I showed her the pictures and started getting emotional she began crying. Then her remorse stopped suddenly.

 

She tells me she has been out with this man 3 times and has never had sex with him. They go back to his place and watch movies and talk. Then they go to sleep.

 

She says she's been seeing him because he's a shoulder to cry on. What is wrong with my shoulder?

 

I don't know what to believe anymore. I know you guys warned me about this but I have to say I really trusted her. I didn't know things were this bad in our relationship. But I guess it doesn't have much to do with me like you guys said "When she finds another man there is nothing you can do."

 

This is the first time in our relationship where she is less willing to fight to keep us alive. She says she "is not sure" if we should keep going even though I said I wanted to. She claims to still love me though. She doesn't know if we can fix it.

 

Before I even found out about all of this last night, I asked her straight up if she wanted me to break up with her. It was feeling like she did. Then I find this out and she isn't sure our relationship can be fixed. It's been fixed before.

 

I don't want to know if you think she had sex with him I know what all of you are going to say. You can leave your feedback though. I'll read it. It's a lot harder than I ever imagined it to be and I'm not feeling as "hard as a rock emotionally" anymore. I cried and I do not cry.

 

Thanks

 

 

Keep your dignity and now walk away. Do not make a fool of yourself. She knows how you feel. Anything more you say will not make a difference.Just go NC and stop contact with her. I wouldn't even bother telling her you are going NC just do it. Don't believe a word she says as you have proved she has lied to you. She will be racked with guilt rather than wanting to make it better. That's why she will keep in contact. Walk away and show her you are a stronger person and will not be taken as a fool. Let her suffer the consequences. if she wants you back then she will come after you in time.

 

even if she wants you, can you truely trust her anymore after she lied and dated someone behind you back? how do you know she wont do it again?

Edited December 6, 2009 by adamt

[Josh87]

Keep your dignity and now walk away. Do not make a fool of yourself. She knows how you feel. Anything more you say will not make a difference.Just go NC and stop contact with her. I wouldn't even bother telling her you are going NC just do it. Don't believe a word she says as you have proved she has lied to you. She will be racked with guilt rather than wanting to make it better. That's why she will keep in contact. Walk away and show her you are a stronger person and will not be taken as a fool. Let her suffer the consequences. if she wants you back then she will come after you in time.

 

even if she wants you, can you truely trust her anymore after she lied and dated someone behind you back? how do you know she wont do it again?

 

It is so hard though because I love her I really do and I know she messed up and I even am beginning to think that she doesn't love me anymore. It's been 4 years. It wasn't all great but I like to think we had something!

 

This is the first time in our entire relationship that I feel like if I let her go just to make sure she comes back she won't come back.

 

I called the guy earlier. Stupid mistake obviously. She is furious and she can't believe I called him and she is going to need some time after this... again... after she's the one the messed up...

 

damnit

[ADF]

If this woman had concerned about her future with you, she should have talked to you about them. How on earth is that a reason for going out with someone else behind your back? That is a total non sequitor.

 

Get out, now. This woman is dishonest and conniving. And she appears to have no conscience. She'll only hurt you in the end.

[adamt]

It is so hard though because I love her I really do and I know she messed up and I even am beginning to think that she doesn't love me anymore. It's been 4 years. It wasn't all great but I like to think we had something!

 

This is the first time in our entire relationship that I feel like if I let her go just to make sure she comes back she won't come back.

 

I called the guy earlier. Stupid mistake obviously. She is furious and she can't believe I called him and she is going to need some time after this... again... after she's the one the messed up...

 

damnit

 

I know exactly what you are going through. My ex dumped me back in may after a 3 week break. My world fell apart. I could barely sleep or eat and i would break down at work. I felt depressed and devastated.I never thought it would happen to me.she was even talking of buying a house together a few months earlier.

 

The day she split up with me, i just told her exactly how I felt about her then let her be. I wanted her to be with me out of choice not because she felt she had to. IF they know exactly how you feel then there is nothing else you can do. you cant hassle them into changing their mind.

 

Not matter how hard it is, I would recommend focus on yourself. Think of how you will look after yourself and be selfish. Catch up with friends, try new hobbies and activities, dont sit in and fester on thinking about her. Keep busy. I joined a gym,lost 22lbs and toned up.(i could barely do 12 pressups..now i can do 40!) It is great to rebuild your confidence when people say you are looking in great shape. i'm 38 and not been in this good shape since i was about 20!Try reading a few books before going to bed to take your mind off her.

 

Stick to NC and don't look back. then overtime things may become clearer and you may see warning signs that she was starting to distance herself. DO 't go chasing answers from here. you just wont get the answers you want and it will leave you with more unanswered questions

 

my ex is still on my mind a lot but i'm now at the stage where I've been out on a few dates to test the water. Although i am not looking forward to xmas and new year without her. I just learn to keep all thoughts of her at the back of my mind now.

 

Just stay busy as possible and fill all your time up. It is hard, you will have bad days but stay strong

[HeavenOrHell]

Men do it too, some do it after 18 years of the relationship.

 

 

thats really great stuff. women especially do this

[Josh87]

Thank you guys for the kind words but I love her. I am going to do whatever it takes to rescue our relationship.

 

We will be happy again.

[You'reasian]

Basically she told me she went on a date with another man about 2 weeks ago but she claims she did not sleep with him so whatever. I've been dealing with it and everything.

 

The reason she says she did it because she is not 100% sure that I love her or want to marry her. We've been together for 4 years and we are 22. We are engaged.

 

I broke up with her over that and while she did her fair share of crying and apologizing I know that she feels she didn't actually DO anything wrong. She was sad because I broke up with her and told her I didn't love her. She says she was wrong but she says it in such a way where it's obvious she's only saying it to appease me. I eventually started talking to her again and told her I did love her and I missed her and all of that.

 

We were back together for about 2 days after being broken up for about 5 and she tells me she thinks we should take a 1 week break from seeing each other. This is her reasoning: She feels that 1 week will help her change to become a less angry person and help us fight less.

 

No matter how many times I ask her if there's another reason she still says that is 100% the reason. The week started about 3 days ago and got 4 days left. Since then a lot of things are going through my head since I've never experienced this before:

 

1. Maybe she is training herself to stop seeing me so she can break up with me for good.

2. Maybe she is seeing another guy as much as she can in this 1 week.

3. Combination of 1-2

4. She's telling the truth

5. Other scenarios which I can't think of right now.

 

What do you guys think about this? Am I wrong for letting this happen? Should I do something? Should I have already done something?

 

Thanks for the help

 

#2 Timing. Why 1 week - during the holidays.

 

Is there a guy in town for 1 week?

 

Find yourself a good woman, my friend.

[adamt]

Thank you guys for the kind words but I love her. I am going to do whatever it takes to rescue our relationship.

 

We will be happy again.

 

 

But she is dating someone behind your back and lied to you!

 

You deserve more respect and someone better! Please don't make a fool of yourself and waste you time on her. Just lay your cards on the table and be prepared to walk away.