My GF decided we'd take a 1 week break...

[Josh87]

Basically she told me she went on a date with another man about 2 weeks ago but she claims she did not sleep with him so whatever. I've been dealing with it and everything.

 

The reason she says she did it because she is not 100% sure that I love her or want to marry her. We've been together for 4 years and we are 22. We are engaged.

 

I broke up with her over that and while she did her fair share of crying and apologizing I know that she feels she didn't actually DO anything wrong. She was sad because I broke up with her and told her I didn't love her. She says she was wrong but she says it in such a way where it's obvious she's only saying it to appease me. I eventually started talking to her again and told her I did love her and I missed her and all of that.

 

We were back together for about 2 days after being broken up for about 5 and she tells me she thinks we should take a 1 week break from seeing each other. This is her reasoning: She feels that 1 week will help her change to become a less angry person and help us fight less.

 

No matter how many times I ask her if there's another reason she still says that is 100% the reason. The week started about 3 days ago and got 4 days left. Since then a lot of things are going through my head since I've never experienced this before:

 

1. Maybe she is training herself to stop seeing me so she can break up with me for good.

2. Maybe she is seeing another guy as much as she can in this 1 week.

3. Combination of 1-2

4. She's telling the truth

5. Other scenarios which I can't think of right now.

 

What do you guys think about this? Am I wrong for letting this happen? Should I do something? Should I have already done something?

 

Thanks for the help

[sean1970]

Sorry man, not a good feeling...

 

Read this: Guide to second chances.

[billy356]

RUN. RUN NOW WHILE THERE IS TIME LEFT IN THE WEEK.....

 

Sean is right, this isnt setting up good. You have all the highest risk factors of making a big mistake. Dating since 18, engaged at 22, fiancee interested in another guy in some capacity, asks for a week "break" for a dubious reason.....you get the picture.

 

I have a theory that I have been spouting for years concerning the fact that there are two types of puberty. First there is the one that everyone knows about, our physical puberty. Then, later in life, usually around your mid twenties you go through a second puberty, your emotional puberty. You change the way you see life, how you value people, more importantly how you view love.

 

In a sense it is a loss of innocence, a dying of our emotional youth. We have left the protective embrace of HS and college, we are out on our own, dealing with issues and challenges without help. We are discovering ourselves as a person, who we are, what we want, how we will love.

 

During this time we tend to re-evaluate everything in our lives. If we are in a serious relationship when this happens often times we will look at it and wonder if this should really be our LAST relationship. Marriage all of a sudden takes a different icon in our mind. it is not just a picture of a white dress and a big party and gifts and alcohol. All of a sudden we realize the actual committment involved, the promises that will be made.

 

A lot of people will decide, "whoa...I'm only 24, I have so many options, I want more" and they may choose to leave not necessarily because they dont want to be with YOU specifically anymore, they just want to live and experience more. They want to emotionally grow and learn. They want to actually TASTE life not just look at it on the menu and wonder if they will like it.

 

Personally I think this is why 20-26 year olds in committed relationships are treading in dangerous territory. You just dont know what person will come out on the other side of this process and it is a process that cannot be avoided. It can be delayed or hurried up but we all go through it. Some of us more than once! Sure you both could go through it together and in unison and bingo! Youre golden! But more often than not you dont and it doesnt have a happy ending.

 

Nobody did anything wrong, somebody changed. They didnt change because of you or in spite of you, they changed because they had to. Part of life.

 

You two may come back together after all of these changes are complete and you both figure out what you want in life. You too may fall in love again and learn to value the changes that have been made in each person. You may look back at this all and be like "Wow, we were both crazy...." But you also may simply move on. Find someone new, love again and be happy again.

 

This is a super long answer to your question but I wanted to make you understand why I say to let her go. The pain now is nothing compared to what is coming down the pipeline based on what you said.

 

Wishing you the best...

[columbia]

Stay strong brother.

 

I tried a "time apart" scenario. It didn't work for me, and my girlfriend of four years, with whom we had gone shopping for rings the month prior, left me for my best friend at the end of two weeks (really ****ty). But I think that it can work, but you have to commit to it. There are a few strategies you need to implement now if you want things to work:

 

1) No contact! My ex and I talked, hung out, etc during our "time apart". I told her I loved her, she said the same to me. She got sick and I took her soup, read to her in bed, took her temperature, etc. Unfortunately, this wasn't what should have happened. She is supposed to miss you! Not talking to her, and not letting her down slowly will make her REALLY think before taking the plunge. If she needs you, you need to be busy, and realize that she is not in control of you.

 

2) Don't set a time limit. If a week comes around and she thinks you are going to call her to talk, don't. Let her come back to you. Two weeks, two months, etc. Theory is separation makes the heart grow fonder. With all luck, she will come back to you loving you more than ever.

 

3) Do not underestimate the influence of the other guy. Sometimes people say the right things at the right time, and your girlfriend might not be forward thinking. Alot of people can only think about here and now. If she gets swept off her feet, there is really nothing you can do.

 

4) If it happened suddenly, was there some exterior influence? Drugs, money, depression? Once again, I think these were a factor in my breakup, and should not be overlooked.

 

5) Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Sometimes things just stop working. Be honest with yourself here. Unless you were beating her, or things were not going well for a while, it isn't your fault. Something changed in her, and you can not fix that. Trust me, Ive tried. Only time will help.

 

To conclude, I really hope that it does work out for you. I am young, 22 as well, and know what it is like to be in Love. But I also know what it is like to have someone suddenly stop, for no reason, and pick up somewhere else with another person. I hope she comes to her senses, comes back to you, and you go on to get married and live a happy and successful life. But tonight, I will pray for YOU, not you and her, so that you may be well through this hard time.

[McGrupp]

I have a theory that I have been spouting for years concerning the fact that there are two types of puberty. First there is the one that everyone knows about, our physical puberty. Then, later in life, usually around your mid twenties you go through a second puberty, your emotional puberty. You change the way you see life, how you value people, more importantly how you view love.

 

In a sense it is a loss of innocence, a dying of our emotional youth. We have left the protective embrace of HS and college, we are out on our own, dealing with issues and challenges without help. We are discovering ourselves as a person, who we are, what we want, how we will love.

 

During this time we tend to re-evaluate everything in our lives. If we are in a serious relationship when this happens often times we will look at it and wonder if this should really be our LAST relationship. Marriage all of a sudden takes a different icon in our mind. it is not just a picture of a white dress and a big party and gifts and alcohol. All of a sudden we realize the actual committment involved, the promises that will be made.

 

A lot of people will decide, "whoa...I'm only 24, I have so many options, I want more" and they may choose to leave not necessarily because they dont want to be with YOU specifically anymore, they just want to live and experience more. They want to emotionally grow and learn. They want to actually TASTE life not just look at it on the menu and wonder if they will like it.

 

Personally I think this is why 20-26 year olds in committed relationships are treading in dangerous territory. You just dont know what person will come out on the other side of this process and it is a process that cannot be avoided. It can be delayed or hurried up but we all go through it. Some of us more than once! Sure you both could go through it together and in unison and bingo! Youre golden! But more often than not you dont and it doesnt have a happy ending.

 

Nobody did anything wrong, somebody changed. They didnt change because of you or in spite of you, they changed because they had to. Part of life.

 

thats really great stuff. women especially do this

[Josh87]

Thanks for the responses guys. I guess I will just stop talking to her too and when friday (the 1 week marker) comes around I still won't call her.

 

What if she tries to contact me though? Do I ignore her for a few days? Is that a good idea or a bad idea?

[sean1970]

Thanks for the responses guys. I guess I will just stop talking to her too and when friday (the 1 week marker) comes around I still won't call her.

 

What if she tries to contact me though? Do I ignore her for a few days? Is that a good idea or a bad idea?

 

Did you read the Guide?

[Josh87]

Did you read the Guide?

 

Yeah I read the guide but this is not about a 2nd chance (unless you are implying this is what I should turn this into).

 

This is about her wanting to take a 1 week break to "change herself back to a less angry person."

[sean1970]

This is about her wanting to take a 1 week break to "change herself back to a less angry person."

 

Whom have you ever known has changed in a week? The explanation should insult you.

[TapiocaDexterin]

RUN. RUN NOW WHILE THERE IS TIME LEFT IN THE WEEK.....

 

Sean is right, this isnt setting up good. You have all the highest risk factors of making a big mistake. Dating since 18, engaged at 22, fiancee interested in another guy in some capacity, asks for a week "break" for a dubious reason.....you get the picture.

 

I have a theory that I have been spouting for years concerning the fact that there are two types of puberty. First there is the one that everyone knows about, our physical puberty. Then, later in life, usually around your mid twenties you go through a second puberty, your emotional puberty. You change the way you see life, how you value people, more importantly how you view love.

 

In a sense it is a loss of innocence, a dying of our emotional youth. We have left the protective embrace of HS and college, we are out on our own, dealing with issues and challenges without help. We are discovering ourselves as a person, who we are, what we want, how we will love.

 

During this time we tend to re-evaluate everything in our lives. If we are in a serious relationship when this happens often times we will look at it and wonder if this should really be our LAST relationship. Marriage all of a sudden takes a different icon in our mind. it is not just a picture of a white dress and a big party and gifts and alcohol. All of a sudden we realize the actual committment involved, the promises that will be made.

 

A lot of people will decide, "whoa...I'm only 24, I have so many options, I want more" and they may choose to leave not necessarily because they dont want to be with YOU specifically anymore, they just want to live and experience more. They want to emotionally grow and learn. They want to actually TASTE life not just look at it on the menu and wonder if they will like it.

 

Personally I think this is why 20-26 year olds in committed relationships are treading in dangerous territory. You just dont know what person will come out on the other side of this process and it is a process that cannot be avoided. It can be delayed or hurried up but we all go through it. Some of us more than once! Sure you both could go through it together and in unison and bingo! Youre golden! But more often than not you dont and it doesnt have a happy ending.

 

Nobody did anything wrong, somebody changed. They didnt change because of you or in spite of you, they changed because they had to. Part of life.

 

You two may come back together after all of these changes are complete and you both figure out what you want in life. You too may fall in love again and learn to value the changes that have been made in each person. You may look back at this all and be like "Wow, we were both crazy...." But you also may simply move on. Find someone new, love again and be happy again.

 

This is a super long answer to your question but I wanted to make you understand why I say to let her go. The pain now is nothing compared to what is coming down the pipeline based on what you said.

 

Wishing you the best...

 

What an insightful answer, and it rings true with my ex and I.

[Josh87]

I'm still angry at her for going on a date with this guy. I don't want to break up with her forever because I love her but I feel like she's controlling things when she shouldn't be.

 

I understand my anger towards her over the event was a lot but it was well deserved. She thinks I shouldn't be so angry especially since she's apologized and cried and everything. And now we're on a 1 week break that was her decision.

 

This also has something to do with sex. I'm going to say something here that SHE said and I don't fully understand it:

 

She said that she needs to take 40 days (something from the bible i don't really know) with no sex and no sexual feelings towards anyone because she's been having a lot of lustful feelings towards people, including the man she went on a date with. please don't insinuate she had sex with him. I already talked about that in another thread. this is trying to figure out the REASONS.

 

Keep in mind we've been together 4 years and I've never heard of any of this. We've had a couple of times where we've been apart for a few months due to school and I don't really see how that strengthened our relationship.

 

I don't even know if I asked a question in this post. I'm just posting more info and hopefully you guys can respond and help me out more.

[billy356]

Yup this fits my theory perfectly...

 

Listen, if you truly love her you are going to have to walk away for a bit. You need to let her go through whatever she has to go through and wait to see if you still love what comes out on the other side.

 

Right now she is way mixed up in her head and it has nothing to do with you. It is nothing you have done or said or havent done. It is just bad timing.

 

Normally I despise the "If you love it let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be" phrase but this is a rare time when I will back that up. You dont have to stop loving her, you dont HAVE to date other people, but you cant be with her right at this instant or you are going to get burned.

 

This sucks but there is nothing else to do. I know this isnt going to be easy but I think we can all agree that at this moment this relationship needs to end at least temporarily.

[HLP234]

Yeh let her be. I am in the same situation except my gf didn't even tell me the time frame. You are lucky you get a time that she will let you know when she made a decision.

 

Mine is like well I'm not putting a time frame on it because I want to see if it will work. She is like don't analyze stuff and just let it be...We still hang out and stuff and its hard sitting there trying not to think about it.

 

I'm sitting here confused and wondering when she'll make a decision but at the same time she acts like my gf....except we don't do anything intimate anymore.

 

At one point it may seem like things are gettin better but then they will go sour again for a little bit and if this happens be prepared to wait longer.

[adamt]

a break usually means the begining of the end. take care of yourself and treat it as if you are breaking up and focus on yourself and how you are going to start to move on.

 

it is out of order to go on date with someone else whether sex/kissing happened or not. youa re being treated like dirt. take control. you deserve and can get better with someone who has respect for you.

 

if someone is going to be with you long term they will not be requesting a break away from you or be going out on dates and having mixed feelings.

 

keep your distance and dont return any calls or texts. see if she genuinely misses you if you make the effort to appear to be moving on. if she doesnt miss you then you know the answer to your future with her

[Josh87]

a break usually means the begining of the end. take care of yourself and treat it as if you are breaking up and focus on yourself and how you are going to start to move on.

 

it is out of order to go on date with someone else whether sex/kissing happened or not. youa re being treated like dirt. take control. you deserve and can get better with someone who has respect for you.

 

if someone is going to be with you long term they will not be requesting a break away from you or be going out on dates and having mixed feelings.

 

keep your distance and dont return any calls or texts. see if she genuinely misses you if you make the effort to appear to be moving on. if she doesnt miss you then you know the answer to your future with her

 

See she tries to justify going out with this other guy by saying he was only a friend and because she paid for her own dinner/movie. Then she says when they made out he forced himself on her and "she felt like she was going to get raped."

 

But then she'll say that she's got all these lustful feelings towards him.

[lkjh]

Dude she is lying. She wants to have you and date on the side. The one week break is so she can mess with another guy and not feel guilty. She did more with that other guy and if you stay with her you will regret it, suck it up and end it now. You are young and you will get over it

[silic0ntoad]

Well, I've read through the thread and responses. It's over. It's been over. What you had with her will never be the same again. She wants to have a week to see if her and "new" guy are sexually compatible. Then you're off the box and an afterthought. I know how it goes, seen it time and again.

 

Get ready because the ride is just getting started. I say cut her off and never talk to her again. I would NEVER play second fiddle to someone new. That's rubbish.

[Josh87]

Ok it really seems like a lot of you are looking only at the negative aspect of this.

 

What if she really thinks a week break will help heal our relationship? Personally I don't think it will but she might.

[sean1970]

Ok it really seems like a lot of you are looking only at the negative aspect of this.

 

What if she really thinks a week break will help heal our relationship? Personally I don't think it will but she might.

 

Because we have read your story many many times and there are very few success stories.

 

If if makes you feel better, take the week, dont talk to her during it, dont call her at the end of it.

 

This is what is likely to happen:

 

• She will call you a couple of days after the week (wondering why you have not)
  
• She will say she is confused and needs more time.
  
• You will ask why, she will be vague.
  
• Probably ask to keep in contact.
  

 

What will you do if that happens?

[Josh87]

Well I'll admit you were right but...

 

there are some serious emotional attachments in our relationship and she is one of the most emotional people i know. I really can't see that happening.

 

Regardless I will not call her at the end of the week.

 

I'm 98% certain she will call me but I'm going to make sure they're less than 15 second calls because im busy or something for at least 2 days.

 

If she gets sad and keeps calling then I'll know she still wants our relationship right?

[sean1970]

If she gets sad and keeps calling then I'll know she still wants our relationship right?

 

Wrong. If you learn anything; it's not quantity, it's quality. Also, pay far more attention to what they do than to what they say.

 

Most of us here never felt the brass ring being thread through our noses and then being led by it. We were just happy they were contacting us. Dont be that guy.

 

Use this time to learn to value you. If you dont like you, fix it.

[Josh87]

So what you're saying is I should talk to her when/if she calls?

[sean1970]

So what you're saying is I should talk to her when/if she calls?

 

She will contact you, that is almost certain from what you have said... But that is not the issue...

 

When you do, you have to be ready for the responses from her we talked about and what you are prepared to do if you get them.

[billy356]

She will call. I will bet later than one week by at least a couple of days. She will say that she needs more time or more space or both. She will try and start a fight somehow or pick you apart trying to find something you have done wrong. Or she may simply be distant and non-committal.

 

Either way listen to all of us, we only type in these little boxes because we have been down this road so many times we know where the potholes are....this will not end well for you if you remain attached, hopeful, or optimistic.

 

You need to assume the worst, prepare for the worst and act like the worst has already happened. You must consider yourself no longer with this girl. Do everything we advise in this breakup group and move on.

 

The best/worst case scenario (depending on who is reading this) is she realizes what she has done, she decides she loves you and only you and comes begging and pleading back to you...THEN you can decide if thats what you want or not.

 

You are no longer together. Say that to yourself until you mean it....

[silic0ntoad]

I think you need to consider this, since history bears repeating:

 

A break is a preliminary break up. Your GF (soon to be ex GF) is taking a week to basically be "new guys" gf, and test the waters.

 

My problem isn't that you're going to give her the week. My problem is you're not seeing this clearly. You're giving your GF a weeklong go-ahead to be without you (Or, to be honest, with someone else). Sometimes people need a week to breathe, a day, or whatever. But a week when someone else is involved? Come on now, you know better.

 

My advice? Call her and put it to her straight. Say "Look, I know I said I'd give you a week. But that's done and over with. You need to tell me right now wether or not we are going to continue seeing each other. I don't have weeks and months of time to sit about waiting for you to make a decision. So, either say you want to be with me now, or I am gone for good."

 

Finally, realise, all of our situations are unique but innately the same. Everything has its quirks, but really, your gal wants time to figure out who's the better "alpha" male for her to be with. I say f*ck the alpha, show her the Omega and bounce. No woman is worth playing second fiddle to a stranger.

 

You need to focus on yourself. What do YOU want? Right now I am sure you want him dead and her back - that's not gonna happen unless new guy f*cks up big time. But even then, honestly, how will you feel about this whole thing if she does come back? Knowing that your relationship was put on hold with her for someone else? I would feel second best. And guess what? You are. And history repeats. So the second she smells something she thinks may be better, you're back on hold, left in the rain, with your heart in your hands.

 

It's a jagged, tough pill to swallow, but honestly, you're better off without her. Work on you, and find someone who appreciates you and keeps you their #1.