raindrops253 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Since I'm the type to over-analyze things, I thought I'd come here to ask for some guys' and maybe some experienced ladies' opinions on what happened to me recently. Bear in mind, please, that I have deleted his number, defriended him, etc. I ain't gonna try and get him back, I'm just fascinated by douchebag behavior. Anywho, I met this really charming guy, early 30's (i'm mid 20s), excellent dancer, smart, etc. We seemed to have quite a bit in common, he was clearly interested when he met me, without being vulgar. My friend and I went with him and his wingman for some after-dancing grub. He drove us back to my car, and I made sure not to kiss him, even though he had been circling like a hawk about to descend on its prey. Next day, I get one of those 'creatively complete this poem' texts. Oh dear, he's a player, I knew it then. But, he's a fun guy, so I thought I'd just keep my legs shut and have a good time. I went out with him again to a lounge type place, dancing going on, but he mainly just sits with me, talking, joking, and clearly using selective bouts of honesty and openness to create a false sense of emotional security. I agreed to go back to his place, we eat some food, we dance, finally make out. I didn't tease, or at least I wasn't trying to- I was explicit in my intentions. We go to sleep in his bed, so of course he tried, but I again turned him down, nicely. However, basically, the next morning I gave in and let him finger me, and I jerked him off, though he clearly wanted more, as did I. Afterward, he invited me to eat some lunch with him, which I did. He still showed interest, asking me when we could see each other again. I told him it'd be a few days. We left, hugged, he didn't kiss me, no big deal. 5, 6 days go by. I hear nothing. I give nothing. Then, randomly, he texts asking me how I am, did I enjoy my week? I answered, of course. I told him I was fine, just got back into town. That was Saturday, it's now Tuesday, and I got no reply, no invitation for anything. Of course I mourned him for a few days, I feel hurt, but I'm sooooooooo thankful I didn't sleep with him. My question is- why send me the text after I let him be for so many days? Is it like some courtesy thing so he convinces himself he's not really a jerk? Is he just trying to do the bare minimum to attempt to turn me into a booty call? Do you think he doesn't want me anymore because now I'm not a 'challenge'- even though I didn't sleep with him?
Pizzaman81 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 If he were a player, then him texting you on and off is a normal thing to do. He is just asserting that you are still interested in him, could be an ego thing. He is hoping maybe he can get a quick hookup from you, but probably don't want to spend much time with you on other days. It's good that you are no longer talking to him. Wise move. Move on.
New Again Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Well you say he was "clearly interested in you" - but you seem to have misinterpreted that interest as him wanting a relationship with you, or to date you or something. Based on the information given, his interest in you was entirely physical - he was interested in having sex with you, and that's it.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Seems to me he's not only a good dancer, but knows all the right moves to keep you interested. The text was just that kind of move. A text is minimum effort when it comes to keeping the female interested. He's just playing the game. What you really want to look for is if he calls you and asks you out again. Of course, since he knows how to play his game, he probably has several female interests in mind, and you are one of them. sigh. Females do this, too. It's just a different game than solely concentrating on one person, and dedicating your time and effort to that one person.
TrueLove.us Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 This is what happens when you give a guy sexual favours too soon, looks like it was only a second date. Wait 5-10 dates before you do anything, connect with him on emotional/intellectual level first, and physical last, only then you will have a chance to succeed. Not just play hard to get, but be hard to get. If you want real respect from a guy, show class, serious class, self respect and let him pursue you, no sex of any kind for first few dates, it may take you 2 weeks or 2 months but only then you'll know what he's worth.
dreamergrl Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 This is what happens when you give a guy sexual favours too soon, looks like it was only a second date. Wait 5-10 dates before you do anything, connect with him on emotional/intellectual level first, and physical last, only then you will have a chance to succeed. Not just play hard to get, but be hard to get. If you want real respect from a guy, show class, serious class, self respect and let him pursue you, no sex of any kind for first few dates, it may take you 2 weeks or 2 months but only then you'll know what he's worth. This wouldn't work anyways, being that he just wanted to be with her physically.
Author raindrops253 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Yes, I meant when he was interested that he was attracted to me. It was flattering, of course. I know I shouldn't have gone to his place. But, hell, I figured if a guy really likes someone he'd be more...liberal. The last serious relationship I had was with someone I met on vacation who became completely enamored with me after our first night. Of course, that's the exception. Any suggestions for a really stinging comeback to hurt his pride a little if he ever texts again?
dreamergrl Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Any suggestions for a really stinging comeback to hurt his pride a little if he ever texts again? Silence says it all
jerseyboy Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 "Afterward, he invited me to eat some lunch with him, which I did. He still showed interest, asking me when we could see each other again. I told him it'd be a few days. We left, hugged, he didn't kiss me, no big deal. 5, 6 days go by. I hear nothing. I give nothing. Then, randomly, he texts asking me how I am, did I enjoy my week? I answered, of course. I told him I was fine, just got back into town. That was Saturday, it's now Tuesday, and I got no reply, no invitation for anything." I wasnt there, no way to say, but could something else have happened there that didnt seem like a big deal to you, but maybe was to him? Frankly Im reading it and thinking he asked you out, you gave a vague be back in a few days response, and then he doesnt call. Good looking guys are like good looking girls in a lot of ways. Dont know that he is, but assuming tis the case from your description. Theya re used to people treating them a certain way, and when someoine doesnt, they see it as a lack of interest etc. I dont know what hes thinking, but for example. I dont ask people twice. Because if I personally dont give a positive respone like someone asking wanna go out such and such day, its cause I dont want to go out with them again. Their pushing it makes me have to come out and say that Im not interested, which is always uncomfortable. If I couldnt make a date someone mentioned, Id be sure to say but I really do want to see you again, a different day would work. Or some such. In other words, let them know its not you, its just a schedule thing. I didnt read that in your response, maybe you were clear. But if not, Ive definitely had a few situations where I asked for another date, and the response was similar to yours ie "busy that day etc" As far as I was concerned the ball was in their court. And I do recall girls calling afterward, as often as a week later, with the why havent you called "I thought we had a good time" speech. I asked, you said no, you were busy.
Illiandra Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 how old is he? how old are you? he text you prob to keep you at arms length (guys love to do this) since he realized you wouldnt have sex with him, but still hooked up, he will keep you around since theres always nother shot of hooking up.... he will prob text you within the next 2-3 days to see what your weekend plans are (if he wants to hook up or if he likes you) otherwise he was in it for ONE thing ONly
Author raindrops253 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 hey jerseyboy, Well it was Thanksgiving week, so I really did have to go home for a few days. And, to be honest, I could have probably seen him before I left, but I wanted to make him wait, to see if he really was interested and contacted me on the day I told him I would be available. I think if a man really likes you on Sunday, he'll probably still like you on the following Saturday, and I gave him every assurance and adoring look to indicate my intentions. I never asked, or will ask him out, however. Nor any man, in the very beginning of dating. I've done too much chasing to know better! In other words, I wasn't playing real coy in how I felt about him, but I didn't go so far as to plan a date, or call him up to ask him out.
callingyouuu Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 hey jerseyboy, And, to be honest, I could have probably seen him before I left, but I wanted to make him wait, to see if he really was interested and contacted me on the day I told him I would be available. Or, he could take this as a lack of interest, in which case him not asking you out would be an appropriate move. When he texted you after you got back, I think you should have hit the ball back into his court with your response.
boogieboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Any suggestions for a really stinging comeback to hurt his pride a little if he ever texts again? Since hes a player, and he only wants sex, nothing you do will hurt his pride. He knows you wont give him what he wants, he's used to that and he moves on. Its no skin off his back. He'd be tryin a lil harder if he considered you a conquest.
Author raindrops253 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 hey guys. There wasn't really a lack of interest on my part- he said "give me a day when I can see you", and I told him one, and we even had semi-plans about what we'd do. The understanding was he'd contact me, and he didn't. When I got back I actually sent him 2 texts, none asking him what he was up to (players don't like that), and got no response. You're right boogieboy he'd be trying a little harder if he still wanted to sleep with me at least. Dayum, I can't even keep a playboy for a few weeks anymore?! oh well.
jerseyboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 hey guys. There wasn't really a lack of interest on my part- he said "give me a day when I can see you", and I told him one, and we even had semi-plans about what we'd do. The understanding was he'd contact me, and he didn't. When I got back I actually sent him 2 texts, none asking him what he was up to (players don't like that), and got no response. You're right boogieboy he'd be trying a little harder if he still wanted to sleep with me at least. Dayum, I can't even keep a playboy for a few weeks anymore?! oh well. Again hon, you are assuming you were clear. Also, its a all relative to his expectations. Most girls (read almost all) would not go three days without calling me when I was dating. Even if it was just to say hi or what have you. You expect it. So when they don't your norm is skewed to believe not that shes different (good) or being coy, but that she just doesn't like you as much as they did. You aren't the only one feeling a little vulnerable after that morn. He may have been as well Seems like a bad confluence of events for both of you, at least potentially. You get somewhat intimate just before an effective break with one or both parties playing games. Certainly you were, not sure about him. Not saying what it is. Just possibilities. Especially since you seem to read so much into him and what he is. That hes socially competent and attractive doesn't make him a "playah" Im not sure why you refer to him as such, as a justification doesn't appear in any of your posts. And even if he had been prior in his life, doesn't mean hes not serious about you.
Author raindrops253 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I gave him an exact day when he could see me. And I did initiate a text after our first night- hell, a very salacious one at that I didn't play real hard to get in the sense of communicating with him. I know he's a player because: 1) He was way, way too smooth. He had too many prepared lines, even a line out of The Game I believe. I was just in denial and hoped he was using his powers for good rather than evil. 2) He tried way too hard to sleep with me too soon after I said no. I know, I know, y'all are men, but it just felt even sleazier and more desperate than normal. Though, he did say he liked me in his sleep and made out with the air. That almost made me think he was at least subconsciously into me. Whatever, that part was hilarious. 3) I had the last word, so to speak, with the texting. Ball was in his court, and the last text I sent him was a question to which he could have replied and kept communication going. "Most girls (read almost all) would not go three days without calling me when I was dating." Perhaps you got used to being pursued, then, and you like it, understandably. Unfortunately I just think it's a very bad idea for a girl to make initial contact after you first meet, and a bad idea to ask him out the first couple times. Why? Let's face it, I'm a hard-core feminist and all, but I know men are hard-wired to pursue, and anything less tells me he's lazy, or uninterested. Thanks for your insights!
Ody Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Do you think he doesn't want me anymore because now I'm not a 'challenge'- even though I didn't sleep with him? You seem way more interested in why he isn't pursuing you further, rather than actually being interested in him. That's probably a big part of why he doesn't want you anymore. You're playing as many games as he is, quoted below. He may or may not have been a "player". I'm figuring, in that way you're right, he probably had sex on his mind. As jerseyboy rightly points out, even those men who have played can develop more three dimensional feelings at a later date. Playing games with them is a pretty surefire way to make sure they don't though. he was clearly interested when he met me, without being vulgar [...] Oh dear, he's a player, I knew it then [...] But, he's a fun guy, so I thought I'd just keep my legs shut and have a good time. [...] And, to be honest, I could have probably seen him before I left, but I wanted to make him wait [...] I never asked, or will ask him out, however. Nor any man, in the very beginning of dating [...] I didn't go so far as to plan a date, or call him up to ask him out. [...] Of course I mourned him for a few days, I feel hurt, but I'm sooooooooo thankful I didn't sleep with him. [...] I actually sent him 2 texts, none asking him what he was up to (players don't like that) [...] You're right boogieboy he'd be trying a little harder if he still wanted to sleep with me at least. [...] Let's face it, I'm a hard-core feminist and all, but I know men are hard-wired to pursue, and anything less tells me he's lazy, or uninterested.
Author raindrops253 Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Update!! For those interested: So I never heard from him again, but the gods of fate must have been on my side because I ran into him by coincidence out this weekend. I was very friendly and non-confrontational when I first saw him, and eventually excused myself to go back to my friend. Friend and I stayed for another half hour, and I made sure to not look his way, or even acknowledge him as we were leaving. He was apparently staring at friend and I whilst talking to the people beside him. I was in revenge mode. I knew he thought he could try and sweet talk his way back (he's probably very used to it), ain't no way that was gonna happen. Call me evil, it's okay. So we left, and he had no idea where we were going obviously. Apparently nothing makes a man more persistent than watching his target get up and leave, because he was Mr. Lightening Fingers with the texting like never before. We eventually went to another place where he was, and I proceeded to play warm-and-ice cold. In fact, the bitchier I got, the more he wanted me. The Alpha Male followed me around like a retarded puppy dog, and obeyed whatever command I gave him (stay here, I'll be back in a minute/go dance, I'll be there in a little while). And then I handed him his ass on a plate at 2am, leaving with my friend after he kept trying to get me to leave with him. He actually looked like he wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. "But, but...!" Nuh-uh. player got played? can I get an amen? an aside: I would never, ever do this to a nice man that I knew had good intentions.
Yukikazi Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Update!! For those interested: player got played? can I get an amen? If he was a "player" he was a crappy one. No real player would puppy dog someone like you. You are no worse then you make him out to be.. you are a player yourself and just as bad as he is. You can lie to yourself all you want but when you started playing games you sunk to his level.. congratulations on becoming the very type of person you scorn so much.
Author raindrops253 Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Now now, I know I was cold to him, but I still think he deserved it. I guess I felt like I had been taken for a fool before and I couldn't help but be angry. He had been out of sight, out of mind- and then when I saw him the resentment came flooding back. And true that I guess on your line about how a real player wouldn't supplicate himself so much like this one. What makes me most frustrated about the whole thing was that he was aloof and flaky when I told him how I genuinely felt, and what my intentions were at the beginning, but it took my being a cold bitch for him to want me. wtf?
Yukikazi Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Now now, I know I was cold to him, but I still think he deserved it. I guess I felt like I had been taken for a fool before and I couldn't help but be angry. He had been out of sight, out of mind- and then when I saw him the resentment came flooding back. And true that I guess on your line about how a real player wouldn't supplicate himself so much like this one. What makes me most frustrated about the whole thing was that he was aloof and flaky when I told him how I genuinely felt, and what my intentions were at the beginning, but it took my being a cold bitch for him to want me. wtf? I wont assume to know his mind.. but you probably should have. You admit getting burned in the past so this guy comes along and actually gets you attracted, but you are bitter so you decide to hurt someone as much if not more then you were hurt. You don't actually have ANY proof he was a "player" and the actions you describe don't resemble anyone that would be refered to as a "player" See according to this forum a "player" is some sleazy guy that lies to women and sleeps with multiple girls at the same time while juggling. A "player" that can go into a club and pull a ONS out at will won't follow you around like a puppy as you describe.. thats a much more insecure thing to do and "players" are not insecure. Your desire to hurt someone in return for your prior hurt may have blinded you. Hell for all you know.. you may have just shown him how cruel the game can be and now he will go become a player since following you around and trying to make you happy didn't work.. and the "players" always get the girls.. so congratulations.. you may have just given birth to a new "player"
Author raindrops253 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 "and now he will go become a player since following you around and trying to make you happy didn't work.. and the "players" always get the girls.." Ok, let's assume he wasn't a player. Let's assume he actually liked/likes me. I don't really think so, but you're right, we're not mind readers. Even so, his behavior was still unacceptable in how he was pressuring me despite my clear 'no's. And, btw, I was surprised that he asked me out on monday night following all this. Though he did it at 5pm the day of. I told him I couldn't make it (I really couldn't), so I asked about another day. He said he wasn't sure and would let me know. It is now that day, and he hasn't contacted me. Still think he's a genuine guy? He was never trying to make me 'happy', he was trying to find an available warm body.
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