"Put the husband first, then the children"- what does this mean?

[GorillaTheater]

I see it this way in my marriage: there must always be energy and priority given to the marriage...to the relationship. I agree with lonely..it's not that the wife must defer to the husband or vice versa....but the relationship as husband and wife must be focused on as the most important relationship because it is the leadership of the family, and the model of relationship for the children.

 

Absolutely agree. The relationship between husband and wife gets top billing. If that's the case, everything else tends to fall into place.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Ideally, in my world, the H would rush in and cleave to the W and once the "We're in this together, no matter how bad or how long" bond has been established, the freak-outs or micro-managing begins! And the couple balance each other, her putting a soft hand on his arm to calm him while he's yelling at nurses, him going off to speak to the doctor rationally because mom is flipped out and ready to roll heads, either of them ready and willing to prop the other when needed.

[carhill]

May I throw in option d?

 

Wife explains the situation to the husband and then the two comfort each other.

Excellent option. Note the priority

 

The child is important and cherished and his/her needs are attended to, but the M is the first impetus.

 

I recall past threads where I asserted making the child(ren) the center of the family as unhealthy because the child(ren) is/are not equipped for that responsibility. That's my perspective. Others, including the vast majority of the women I dated (though not my stbx) differed. In that regard, my stbx and I were compatible.

Edited December 1, 2009 by carhill

[SimplyBeingLoved]

Here's how putting the kids first can damage the relationship ...

 

Normally you'd think it's the wife who puts the kids first. In our case, it's actually been the other way around.... Example: At dinner table, stay-at-home wife asks hubby question about his day, and daughter interrupts. Hubby chooses to respond to daughter's interruption instead of correcting daughter. Question gets dropped/forgotten... "oh why bother, kids are always interfering." Anything that pops up in the stack by the kids gets dealt with, wife gets put on hold. Majority of conversations of his initiation have to do with kids... comment when first kid is born that his "purpose in life is his daughter"... rinse and repeat for several years, and well... you have a wife who feels last in the family and is planning her exit...

[Art_Critic]

The relationship between husband and wife gets top billing. If that's the case, everything else tends to fall into place.

 

I agree... If Mom and Dad are okay then the children are okay...

 

On all fronts.. even financially...

ie:

If you cannot afford to save for the child for college and you are full of debt then worry about you first and the child second..

Because if you are okay then college will fall into place when the time is right...

[lonelyandfrustrated]

carhill, I totally agree with you, but I do want to throw a lifeline to the women you dated. Apparently, the children were not yours together, correct? I think it is absolutely reasonable for a single parent to put their kids first, above a romantic relationship. It's a test, really...will this guy be there for me when my kids need me more than he does? In that kind of situation, it is cruel to put mommy's boyfriend over her own children, cruel to the child who really only has the one parent most (if not all) of the time.

 

But once a lifetime commitment like marriage comes in, it settles the children, especially after knowing mom (or dad) will be there for them, and new parent has proven that they respect and support that. The kids don't have to come first, because they know they will be taken care of, regardless of order.

[threebyfate]

Excellent option. Note the priority

 

The child is important and cherished and his/her needs are attended to, but the M is the first impetus.

 

I recall past threads where I asserted making the child(ren) the center of the family as unhealthy because the child(ren) is/are not equipped for that responsibility. That's my perspective. Others, including the vast majority of the women I dated (though not my stbx) differed. In that regard, my stbx and I were compatible.

I can't take credit for the "excellent" perspective, since I made the assumption that the child was unconscious. If the child was conscious, then both parents should be focusing on comforting the child, right off the bat, letting the child know that both mom and dad are here and everything will be okay. After the child falls asleep, then the parents should rationally discuss the situation and then lean on each other for comfort.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Here's how putting the kids first can damage the relationship ...

 

Normally you'd think it's the wife who puts the kids first. In our case, it's actually been the other way around.... Example: At dinner table, stay-at-home wife asks hubby question about his day, and daughter interrupts. Hubby chooses to respond to daughter's interruption instead of correcting daughter. Question gets dropped/forgotten... "oh why bother, kids are always interfering." Anything that pops up in the stack by the kids gets dealt with, wife gets put on hold. Majority of conversations of his initiation have to do with kids... comment when first kid is born that his "purpose in life is his daughter"... rinse and repeat for several years, and well... you have a wife who feels last in the family and is planning her exit...

 

You can discipline your own daughter, you know that, right? A simple, "I was speaking. It is rude to interrupt when others are speaking, daughter. You will have your turn to speak when I have finished. As I was saying..."

 

And when you're done, turn to her and say, "I would love to hear about X you mentioned." I don't know her age, but if she's at the pouty stage (lol) and says, "Never mind!" Say, "Okay." and move into another topic.

[carhill]

I think it is absolutely reasonable for a single parent to put their kids first, above a romantic relationship.

I do too. I accepted many examples of it during my dating life and supported that perspective. However, my take on the proclamation was that is was global, based on the dynamic of their prior M and how it was shared with me. IOW, this is now and always how it will be. I believed them. Since I wanted to be married at some point and have children together, I found that proclamation to be incompatible with my own perspective.

 

I can't take credit for the "excellent" perspective, since I made the assumption that the child was unconscious. If the child was conscious, then both parents should be focusing on comforting the child, right off the bat, letting the child know that both mom and dad are here and everything will be okay

Although not aware what went on outside the room, I do recall, in the haze of a 106 temp, mom and dad both at bedside, so, even perhaps if appearing unconscious, I did have some awareness of what was going on. Great example of the gray areas within any attempt to make a hard and fast rule. My vision of the M-priority couple is that they are connecting with each other, knowing each other is the priority, without words and overt behaviors, even as they move to comfort their child. It's like they 'know'. It can be as simple as a specific look or a simple touch. They connect and then move to the matter at hand. That's a great place to be, in my opinion