Wishing the OW well?

[MizFit]

Look at your history, its no wonder you've turned out that way! Thanks for sharing, it explains a lot.

 

 

Explain to me...please...you obviously have been able to build a profile on me from here. Please...please let me know how issuing all the blame to the correct party is wrong? Let me know why I should feel anything different about being an OW than I did towards the one that was invited into my marriage?

 

I love holier than thou people...

 

Leaving my computer now so don't take my lack of response as defeat. If anyone has anything more or different to say I'll respond tomorrow.

[eeyore1981]

I was invited by one party I was invited. What he chose to do with the information is his decision. I did not make myself known, but that was at his request. I would have been absolutely fine to say something if he'd have wanted it public or shared.

 

I've been invited to many things where it was 1 party in a couple or group that did the inviting...no matter how you cut it-the MM brought me in and controlled how much it was infringing on their lives.

 

I don't feel like I did anything wrong...he did.

 

I was a BS years ago and never blamed the OW-she wasn't the one who cheated on me. My mother was cheated on by my father for 30 years of their marriage-she always blamed my father and not once the OW. The issue is the spouse/SO that takes the decision to go outside the marriage.

 

I do apologize for disagreeing, but that's life. It's not as though I'm doing it from just 1 side...

 

BBM

 

This has merit if in accepting the invitation from one party of the couple or group, when you got to the event you then proceeded to slink around and hide yourself from the other half of the couple or the rest of the group. Did you do that? If not, there is no comparison. If so, that's an event I would like to be at and see for myself...:lmao::lmao:

[turnstone]

Explain to me...please...you obviously have been able to build a profile on me from here. Please...please let me know how issuing all the blame to the correct party is wrong? Let me know why I should feel anything different about being an OW than I did towards the one that was invited into my marriage?

 

I love holier than thou people...

 

Leaving my computer now so don't take my lack of response as defeat. If anyone has anything more or different to say I'll respond tomorrow.

 

Whilst growing up you didn't receive the benefit of a healthy, happy relationship to teach you how to behave when attempting to have one or when faced with an affair. You are copying behaviors and values from your mother. Of course you don't believe the OW is to blame, you were taught that the only person to blame in an affair is the WS. You're unlikely to change this view as they've become entrenched, not least as a way of justifying your actions to yourself, never mind anyone else. There's no point in offering you a differing view.

 

Oh, and this doesn't make me 'holier than thou', merely perceptive.

[Snowflower]

Mizfit, I commend you for graciously standing your ground. I don't agree with you at all but I appreciate the fact that you are being respectful. Good debate is always interesting and since you have apparently been on both sides of the infidelity fence, as the BS and and the OW, I think you can make a good case.

 

On a general note directed at no one in particular, what cracks me up is how the OW is perfectly in her rights to blame or blast the BW and is encouraged to do so but the reverse is not true...the BW is told to put all the blame on her WH.

 

It's the inconsistency that bugs me...why is the BS, who didn't ask ever to be put in the situation, expected to be more gracious and not feel ill will toward the AP?

 

Personally, I think the OW and the BW should both be pissed as hell at the MM/WH because he was the one who lied to and deceived both.

[PhoenixRise]

I can pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time. AND I can hold the OW and WS BOTH responsible for the affair.

 

The argument can be made that it is the WS that betrays the marrige and it is true...but if the OW knows the MM is married then she is actively and knowingly taking part in that betrayal.

 

Frankly I don't see why BS are qustioned or chastized for the way they feel. OW/OM claim all the time that they can not control their feelings...why should the BS be any different? Are the APs feelings more important, more valid than the BS?

 

AND if you are invited into a situation by one party and you accept the invitation knowing that you will be unwelcomed by the other party..you can't be surprised when the other party is pissed off that you are there and lets you know it. Why expect the BS to behave appropriately when you didn't?

 

I see OW (mainly) express the sentiment that if the BS gets vindictive or otherwise out of line (in their judgment) that the OW will strike back I have even seen OW say they will destroy the BS or will take down the BS.....IMO the person who has the most to lose in these situations WILL lose. In my situation post dday I was not the one who had the most to lose.

 

Frankly...I don't think any BS has to justify their feelings or actions in the wake of the discovery of the affair.

[eeyore1981]

Mizfit, I commend you for graciously standing your ground. I don't agree with you at all but I appreciate the fact that you are being respectful. Good debate is always interesting and since you have apparently been on both sides of the infidelity fence, as the BS and and the OW, I think you can make a good case.

 

On a general note directed at no one in particular, what cracks me up is how the OW is perfectly in her rights to blame or blast the BW and is encouraged to do so but the reverse is not true...the BW is told to put all the blame on her WH.

 

It's the inconsistency that bugs me...why is the BS, who didn't ask ever to be put in the situation, expected to be more gracious and not feel ill will toward the AP?

 

Personally, I think the OW and the BW should both be pissed as hell at the MM/WH because he was the one who lied to and deceived both.

 

Not a problem for me, as I have never been accused of being gracious.

[OWoman]

Something I've just read in another thread has bought me up short and I'd like your view on the matter. Do you the BS, wish the [ex]OW would heal and gain a healthy, balanced outlook? If so, what is your motivation for wanting that for her? So she gains a sense of self-respect and leaves your husband alone? Surely if she becomes the healthy, self-sufficient, balanced individual that some wish she would, she would become more attractive? At the very least I would expect any BS to be completely indifferent to the OW's state of mind, but certainly not wish any good to it.

 

I think it takes a very special kind of maturity, grace and emotional distance for a BS to wish the OW/OM well - even ages down the line, once the marital turmoil has been resolved one way or another. It is a natural human reaction to want to lash out when one has been hurt oneself, towards those one perceives as being responsible for that hurt.

 

Forgiveness I can understand - whether active forgiveness or more neutral acceptance - as this allows the "wronged person" themselves to move on, freeing them of the negative energy associated with bearing a continued grudge. But wishing someone well goes beyond even that. It requires an ability to step completely out of one's own role, one's own hurt and pain and context, and into the (imagined, reconstructed or known) reality of another person and to take on - willingly - the perspective one feels they may have had / may have, and to feel empathy and even goodwill. That's a huge task, and not one that many mere mortals can accomplish.

 

I think that those people who are able to exhibit that level of grace - be they BS, world leader or religious guru - qualify for a special type of respect.

[Snowflower]

I think it takes a very special kind of maturity, grace and emotional distance for a BS to wish the OW/OM well - even ages down the line, once the marital turmoil has been resolved one way or another. It is a natural human reaction to want to lash out when one has been hurt oneself, towards those one perceives as being responsible for that hurt.

 

 

Couldn't this be applied in reverse as well, to the OW/OM in regards to the BS?

 

Say the MP returns to their marriage (for whatever reason) and the marriage continues and is successful. The former AP might be hurt over the ending of the affair but eventually, they move on and the hurt diminishes over time, despite the natural reaction to want to lash out.

 

Wouldn't it be just as mature and gracious for the former AP to wish the BS and the former MP well in their continued marriage?

 

Do you think this is possible?

[2sure]

Previous to my current marriage , I was OW several times over. I never felt guilty, I never concerned myself with MM wife - that was his job. The only time I ended an affair because of a wife was when I accidentally met one and once she had a face...I couldn't do it. Doesnt say much for me does it? But, I have come a long way from that time in my life, learned and grown. At the time however, nothing I could have read or heard would have changed my perspective. So, I dont usually bother trying to change any other OW's mind...unless she comes here with a struggle to make a decision. Hindsight just doesnt work here.

 

I have, over the years struggled with the whole "MM invited me into HIS life" ...its not my fault. Certainly my current H's infidelity has greatly affected my views and altered my thinking about relationships and marriage.

 

Sure, my H invited other women into his life. Not their fault. Regardless of my anger, I could not blame anyone other than my Husband. They were invited into MY LIFE without my knowledge. For those who knew he was married...they accepted the invitation into MY LIFE without my knowledge. Ok, still ...obviously having stood in their shoes myself..I dont have animosity toward them. Ive learned lessons that they so far have not. BUT.

 

Once I became aware that they were participating in MY LIFE and made them aware of it....I RETRACTED THAT INVITATION. Had nothing to do so much with my H at that point. I was participating in MY LIFE and its up to me who else is involved in MY LIFE. Until my H is no longer a part of MY LIFE, I make the rules. Me.

 

So, for any OW to continue attempts at contact, or who did not acknowledge the error to me....I honestly felt completely INVITED to participate in HER LIFE. By being comfortable being a part of my life, I felt she had rolled out the carpet to me to enter hers. There were only 2 that this occurred with. ..everyone else was really nice just like I was. But these two, having pushed everything... were absolutely stunned and outraged when I revealed all to their spouses.

 

Just another indication that nearly everyone involved in infidelity is in one way or another refusing to accept reality.

[OWoman]

Couldn't this be applied in reverse as well, to the OW/OM in regards to the BS?

 

Say the MP returns to their marriage (for whatever reason) and the marriage continues and is successful. The former AP might be hurt over the ending of the affair but eventually, they move on and the hurt diminishes over time, despite the natural reaction to want to lash out.

 

Wouldn't it be just as mature and gracious for the former AP to wish the BS and the former MP well in their continued marriage?

 

Do you think this is possible?

 

Possible, certainly. But likely? Remembering that I said that:

 

wishing someone well goes beyond even that. It requires an ability to step completely out of one's own role, one's own hurt and pain and context, and into the (imagined, reconstructed or known) reality of another person and to take on - willingly - the perspective one feels they may have had / may have, and to feel empathy and even goodwill

 

that's not a perspective that too many OW/OMs adopt. If they were to think themselves into the BS's perspective at the outset, setting aside their own interests, it's highly unlikely they'd have become the OW/OM. For the OW/OM - at least during the A - the BS does not exist in any material way. This makes that kind of empathy inconceivable.

 

After the A, their perspective may indeed shift - but usually, because it is so driven by their pain, confusion and suffering, they're still not in a position to put their own perspective aside and assume that of the BS. They're simply too immersed in their own stuff. Given sufficient time and emotional distance, perhaps, but the nature of the interests and the positioning of the OW/OM incline me to skepticism on that. (Unless of course they join the ranks of the "reformed OWs" who run around in sackcloth and ashes, tearing their hair out and wailing and gnashing their teeth, beating themselves up at every opportunity they get... claiming all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings for the BS. But, TBH, their antics suggest that it is very much all about them - about appeasing their own consciences, repairing their own psychic damage and building up their own spiritual credit balance rather than anything to do with the BS. But hey, that's just my cynical take - I'm sure other OWs would have other views )

[Snowflower]

Possible, certainly. But likely? Remembering that I said that:

 

 

 

that's not a perspective that too many OW/OMs adopt. If they were to think themselves into the BS's perspective at the outset, setting aside their own interests, it's highly unlikely they'd have become the OW/OM. For the OW/OM - at least during the A - the BS does not exist in any material way. This makes that kind of empathy inconceivable.

 

After the A, their perspective may indeed shift - but usually, because it is so driven by their pain, confusion and suffering, they're still not in a position to put their own perspective aside and assume that of the BS. They're simply too immersed in their own stuff. Given sufficient time and emotional distance, perhaps, but the nature of the interests and the positioning of the OW/OM incline me to skepticism on that. (Unless of course they join the ranks of the "reformed OWs" who run around in sackcloth and ashes, tearing their hair out and wailing and gnashing their teeth, beating themselves up at every opportunity they get... claiming all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings for the BS. But, TBH, their antics suggest that it is very much all about them - about appeasing their own consciences, repairing their own psychic damage and building up their own spiritual credit balance rather than anything to do with the BS. But hey, that's just my cynical take - I'm sure other OWs would have other views )

 

Thanks, OW, for your candid answer to my question.

 

This basically confirms what I have read here many times. In general, the BS is supposed to be more empathetic and held to higher standard.

 

OTOH, many OM/OW have little empathy for the BS, which seems to be all too common.

 

I'm of course speaking in generalities because I have met some very 'nice' (for lack of a better word) OW here...and try to defend them when needed.

[eeyore1981]

Previous to my current marriage , I was OW several times over. I never felt guilty, I never concerned myself with MM wife - that was his job. The only time I ended an affair because of a wife was when I accidentally met one and once she had a face...I couldn't do it. Doesnt say much for me does it? But, I have come a long way from that time in my life, learned and grown. At the time however, nothing I could have read or heard would have changed my perspective. So, I dont usually bother trying to change any other OW's mind...unless she comes here with a struggle to make a decision. Hindsight just doesnt work here.

 

I have, over the years struggled with the whole "MM invited me into HIS life" ...its not my fault. Certainly my current H's infidelity has greatly affected my views and altered my thinking about relationships and marriage.

 

Sure, my H invited other women into his life. Not their fault. Regardless of my anger, I could not blame anyone other than my Husband. They were invited into MY LIFE without my knowledge. For those who knew he was married...they accepted the invitation into MY LIFE without my knowledge. Ok, still ...obviously having stood in their shoes myself..I dont have animosity toward them. Ive learned lessons that they so far have not. BUT.

 

Once I became aware that they were participating in MY LIFE and made them aware of it....I RETRACTED THAT INVITATION. Had nothing to do so much with my H at that point. I was participating in MY LIFE and its up to me who else is involved in MY LIFE. Until my H is no longer a part of MY LIFE, I make the rules. Me.

 

So, for any OW to continue attempts at contact, or who did not acknowledge the error to me....I honestly felt completely INVITED to participate in HER LIFE. By being comfortable being a part of my life, I felt she had rolled out the carpet to me to enter hers. There were only 2 that this occurred with. ..everyone else was really nice just like I was. But these two, having pushed everything... were absolutely stunned and outraged when I revealed all to their spouses.

 

Just another indication that nearly everyone involved in infidelity is in one way or another refusing to accept reality.

 

I really like the way you worded this. And you are absolutely right, people with this kind of mentality are not going to see the light even if it is shined directly into their eyes. They have to believe the choices they make that cause damage to others is someone else's fault, not theirs.

If you make the point they made the choice, they skitter away from that and misdirect with things like, why are you placing all the blame on the AP and not the cheater, when that is not even what is going on. Anything to not have to look to closely at themselves.

[boomboom63]

2Sunny is spot on. In my case the sense of betrayal was directed at both the parties. W took possession of her part and was forgiven - supposed "best" friend didn't and continued to interfere (still does a little) and THAT is why I don't wish him well.

[wheelwright]

I am wondering about these moral conundrums in my situation.

 

I was the MOW in my situation, but my xMOM's BS told me to my face that she had never loved her H, and certrainly didn't feel anything for him now. This was before anything happened between us, even EA. And I loved him already.

 

It was a wierd encounter - she was not my friend and I did not ask for her to confide in me this way.

 

Was I still bad for having the A in terms of his family/wife? Or should I let myself off the hook here?

[eyeswide]

I am wondering about these moral conundrums in my situation.

 

I was the MOW in my situation, but my xMOM's BS told me to my face that she had never loved her H, and certrainly didn't feel anything for him now. This was before anything happened between us, even EA. And I loved him already.

 

It was a wierd encounter - she was not my friend and I did not ask for her to confide in me this way.

 

Was I still bad for having the A in terms of his family/wife? Or should I let myself off the hook here?

 

What you decide to let yourself off the hook for is up to you. I tried to "let myself off the hook" for my affair when it ended but didn't bother telling my H...and my little secret sure got in the way of our marriage.

 

My H's affair partner (see my earlier post in this thread) was a very good friend of mine. One of our most common topics of conversations was about our marriages. While I didn't tell her about my A, she did know both before it and after it what I found frustrating in my M. She knew how desparate I was to feel like my H saw me and appreciated me as more than a wife, paycheck, and manager, how desparate I was for emotional connection with him. She knew that I was afraid I had fallen out of love with him. I sure as heck didn't tell her those things because I considered it "okay" for her to engage him in the ways that I feared I could not. when I thought they were just friends, I did tell her I was "relieved" that he had someone to talk to since I didn't seem to be the one he wanted to confide in. And I know she has used the fact that I said that to her as an indication that she had some kind of permission from me. Stupidly, I assumed that she would never be interested in anything but friendship with him.

 

I can only assume that your xMOM's wife saw something in you that suggested it was safe to confide in you. I do NOT think she was saying "please trespass here." But if it helps you sleep better to think so, go right ahead. I'm all for people being able to sleep.

[MizFit]

Whilst growing up you didn't receive the benefit of a healthy, happy relationship to teach you how to behave when attempting to have one or when faced with an affair. You are copying behaviors and values from your mother. Of course you don't believe the OW is to blame, you were taught that the only person to blame in an affair is the WS. You're unlikely to change this view as they've become entrenched, not least as a way of justifying your actions to yourself, never mind anyone else. There's no point in offering you a differing view.

 

Oh, and this doesn't make me 'holier than thou', merely perceptive.

 

Well...since we're speaking of perceptions (and I'll add assumptions) I was well into adulthood when I found out about my fathers infidelities and my mothers reactions. I told her to leave him and since my father had placed me into a situation where I was renting rooms from one of his AP (and she told me about the A) I would have had plenty of reason to hate the OW. I didn't...I hated my father. He is the one who ended up crushing my mother for 30 years. As an adult I looked back and pieced things together...my mother had realistic perceptions-her husband cheated on her and it didn't matter a bit who it was with.

 

When my husband cheated on me with a coworker of mine I hated him for it...not her. Unlike my father my husband was graciously shown the door. So your perception I learned from her is absolute pie in the sky.

 

It has nothing to do with how I was raised...it has to do with my thoughts of reality. The reality is-a spouse is the one cheating. Sorry...you can't blame my childhood for this.

[MizFit]

as I wrote before- I some places there is a law on the books a called "alienation of affection" ( not an old law, in many jurisdictions, it's relatively new) the gist of which is that you could face civil penalties for being the "OW?om"- so even the legal system has very little sympathy for your stance.

 

I know you aren't going to change your point of view- But, I'm really sorry, it sounds like the point of view of either a small child or a sociopath ( nothing is ever my fault, I did nothing wrong, as long as I was happy- that's fine). It's not even that you participated in an affair that;s ticking people off- many women/men do, but at least they are willing to say" yes, I participated in something that hurt somebody else"- it was a mistake, I will learn from my mistake'. you seem to feel it's just hunky dory.

 

Like I wrote before as well, you'd better hope you never run up against a Betrayed spouse like me. I'm not getting mad, I'm getting even, and the OW ( in my situation) isn't going to know what hit her. the sad part is all she would have had to do for me to 'take care of this quietly" just leave my family alone. I would have been happy to keep my actions to just making sure that my family was protected, and we could have all moved on. she didn't let that happen, so now she will be paying for it in spades ( my situation is kind of "unique' in that she could face prison time for it)

weird, eh?

 

Frozensprout...first let me thank you for the comment at the top of the last page about debate. We all have different thoughts and mores...these are mine.

 

As for your comment about old laws and alienation of affection-it used to be illegal to be gay.

 

I don't particularly care if people are ticked off. These are my views and I have the right to air them as much as anyone else. I have sat on both sides of the fence...I know firsthand the devastation a WS can bring. The problem everyone has with me is that I'm not groveling and begging forgiveness. I won't. My MM cheated on his W and he has chosen to go back. It is his job to grovel and make things right.

 

It's over...his decision is made and he's there. I expect no problems from her and she has had (and will have) none from me. I agree with the views on here that once the decision is made that's that. I sent him messages to a shared account and if he chose to look at them that's his choice. I told him that I was going to put my hurt out there for him to see. He didn't have to look. I don't know if he has...I do know that he has called and left messages on my home phone and that prompted some LC. If I wanted to hurt either of them I could easily send recordings of his messges or copies of the mails. I see no sense-it's over and I'm learning to deal with it, as I have any other serious relationship I've had.

 

I think As are wrong...I don't think they are hunky dorry...but I think the blame should go on the person betraying the relationship.

 

Again...I mean no disrespect to BS-I was one. My views are different, but that doesn't mean they're wrong.

 

By the way-the view of a small child would be to blame someone else for the actual crime. Many BS do that-the OW/OM is to blame for whatever breakdown there has been in their marriage and causing the problems. The fact is the WS is the one who took the breakdown outside the marriage and committed the betrayal.

 

I have never been unfaithful to a partner and I can't see that I ever would be (never say never). If I were then I would shoulder all responsibility and guilt...all decisions would have been mine and I would feel that accordingly. If I were a person who didn't care about my actions I'd have cheated on partners all through my life.

[OWoman]

Thanks, OW, for your candid answer to my question.

 

This basically confirms what I have read here many times. In general, the BS is supposed to be more empathetic and held to higher standard.

 

OTC - my post was intended to illustrate the exact opposite - that it's totally unrealistic to EXPECT BSs to be Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandela, and that holding people to unrealistic standards is both unfair (to them, since very few would achieve it) and counterproductive - setting up BSs as some kind of saint merely creates the ground for positioning the OW/OM, by contrast, as a sinner - and whose interests would that serve? The BS, who is then shoved into the mould of being a saint, denied any "evil" feelings (such as revenge fantasies) they may - quite naturally - feel, and squished into that very stereotype they fight against (the BW as asexual, pure, service-oriented being, stripped of self and reduce to role)? The OW/OM, fighting against the reductive stereotypes ("homewrecker", "whore", "gold-digger", "low self-esteem", "desperate", etc) and desperate to show they're a good person, really, despite how they're being cast in the drama? The WS, confronted by the consequences of their choices, having to live with outcomes that came too quickly for their plans to be readied, trying to locate themselves on some moral compass.... hmmm, yes, perhaps.

 

Anyway, my point was - while it's profound and awesome when someone does reach those lofty heights (and there have been a couple of BSs here who have), it's completely unrealistic to hold that out as the measuring stick for everyone. (I'd go so far as to say, it's also undesirable - aspiring to be a saint sounds great if you're talking to a sunday school class, but IRL there are great costs involved, not only to the wannabe-saint but to those that have to live or work with them! I'd far rather people inhabited their humanity fully, embracing all aspects of themselves honestly, and if - one day - they reach the position of being able not only to forgive those they perceive as their transgressors, but to wish them well... well then, more strength to them!)

 

Oh, and BTW, not all OWs are as "evil" as me. There are definitely some "nice" ones too.

[stillafool]

Something I've just read in another thread has bought me up short and I'd like your view on the matter. Do you the BS, wish the [ex]OW would heal and gain a healthy, balanced outlook? If so, what is your motivation for wanting that for her? So she gains a sense of self-respect and leaves your husband alone? Surely if she becomes the healthy, self-sufficient, balanced individual that some wish she would, she would become more attractive? At the very least I would expect any BS to be completely indifferent to the OW's state of mind, but certainly not wish any good to it.

 

In my own case, I left my husband straight after discovering his horde of OW, started divorce proceedings and got tested. Each of the OW (that I know about) received a letter from my lawyer detailing that I have contracted an STD courtesy of my husband, the man they have all been sleeping with. One OW (that I know of) has remained firmly entrenched in his life even telling him that he could continue to see me (WTF?) and she would still sleep with him. I'm delighted he lost me for that and I hope that she remains insecure, clingy and desperate, because the longer she stays that way, the more hellish the nearly exh's life becomes.

 

 

If I were you I would hand over the H and wish them both well and move on with my life.

[eeyore1981]

If I were you I would hand over the H and wish them both well and move on with my life.

 

Yeah, if I could have stood the thought of my children being exposed to a psycho lunatic whose own father told me he and his wife do whatever they can to protect HER daughter from her and her craziness, this could very well have happened in my case.

 

I know removing my kids from the equation, sometimes the only thing that picks me up when I am feeling down is how hilarious it would have been for my H to have ended up with her.

[Angel1111]

As someone once said, not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Just wish her a little short-term misery and then a nice life. You don't know anything about her, or why she has such low standards that she would be ok with the guy she's with to sleep with other women. That's really sad when you think about it. And I don't know of any man that would ever respect or stay with a woman like that. You have to know that she's not the reason your husband cheated. That was HIS choice. Once all your anger subsides - and you are understandably angry and hurt - it would be better for you to keep both of them out of your thoughts and conversation. People do things we don't like and things that hurt us, not because they want to hurt us but because they have free choice, and sometimes that choice tramples on others' feelings. Better to accept that and become resilient, than to let someone else knock you on your butt for an eternity.

[MizFit]

As someone once said, not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Just wish her a little short-term misery and then a nice life. You don't know anything about her, or why she has such low standards that she would be ok with the guy she's with to sleep with other women. That's really sad when you think about it. And I don't know of any man that would ever respect or stay with a woman like that. You have to know that she's not the reason your husband cheated. That was HIS choice. Once all your anger subsides - and you are understandably angry and hurt - it would be better for you to keep both of them out of your thoughts and conversation. People do things we don't like and things that hurt us, not because they want to hurt us but because they have free choice, and sometimes that choice tramples on others' feelings. Better to accept that and become resilient, than to let someone else knock you on your butt for an eternity.

 

So...the OW is villified and low as muck because she sleeps with someone who is sleeping with someone else. If that were true then why would the BS EVER take the WS back? He did the same (assuming most single women are relatively active even at just the start of the A or the is a MOW) and the BS took them back? Sorry...the logic here is so twisted and completely geared against the OW.

 

When I was cheated on I had no feelings for her and he was unceremoniously sent away immediately.

[eeyore1981]

So...the OW is villified and low as muck because she sleeps with someone who is sleeping with someone else. If that were true then why would the BS EVER take the WS back? He did the same (assuming most single women are relatively active even at just the start of the A or the is a MOW) and the BS took them back? Sorry...the logic here is so twisted and completely geared against the OW.

 

When I was cheated on I had no feelings for her and he was unceremoniously sent away immediately.

 

Actually, the logic is fine, you are just leaving out some important aspects.

 

What contact does the BS really have with the AP? Even if the marriage fails right away because of the affair, mostly there is still some kind of dialogue between the BS and the WS about the affair and what happened. There is also history between them, which gives the BS some information even if nothing is said. All this gives the BS an opportunity to deal with, at least on some level, with what their spouse has done to them, but most of the time there is not that same opportunity to deal with what has been done to them by the AP.

 

When the people in the marriage decide to try to work things out, they deal with what has happened. Again, rarely is there any dealing with what has happened between the BS and the AP. It is just left as it is from the very beginning, with the AP believing whatever the cheater told them about the BS and the BS believing whatever they want to about the AP.

 

But again, you are choosing to see that the AP is given all the blame while the cheater is not given much at all, and maybe that is the case every now and then, but not for the most part. You are a grown woman, and you chose to act in deceitful ways towards someone who had never done you harm. You say you only did it because some guy asked you to. IMO, that doesn't say much about you.

[Angel1111]

So...the OW is villified and low as muck because she sleeps with someone who is sleeping with someone else. If that were true then why would the BS EVER take the WS back? He did the same (assuming most single women are relatively active even at just the start of the A or the is a MOW) and the BS took them back? Sorry...the logic here is so twisted and completely geared against the OW.

 

When I was cheated on I had no feelings for her and he was unceremoniously sent away immediately.

 

I don't think I villified anyone. All I was saying was that when someone gives their SO the ok to sleep around, that's a big, fat red flag saying that they have no self-esteem whatsoever. And it's sad. I don't think I ever said anything about taking the WS back either. What I said was that once the BSs anger and pain passed, to remove both of them out of her thoughts and conversation. How did you so completely misinterpret my words?

 

It's better to have no feelings for either of them, as you did, than to wallow in hatred year after year. My point is that by being unforgiving, we only hurt ourselves. It has no effect on the other person.

[MizFit]

Actually, the logic is fine, you are just leaving out some important aspects.

 

What contact does the BS really have with the AP? Even if the marriage fails right away because of the affair, mostly there is still some kind of dialogue between the BS and the WS about the affair and what happened. There is also history between them, which gives the BS some information even if nothing is said. All this gives the BS an opportunity to deal with, at least on some level, with what their spouse has done to them, but most of the time there is not that same opportunity to deal with what has been done to them by the AP.

 

When the people in the marriage decide to try to work things out, they deal with what has happened. Again, rarely is there any dealing with what has happened between the BS and the AP. It is just left as it is from the very beginning, with the AP believing whatever the cheater told them about the BS and the BS believing whatever they want to about the AP.

 

But again, you are choosing to see that the AP is given all the blame while the cheater is not given much at all, and maybe that is the case every now and then, but not for the most part. You are a grown woman, and you chose to act in deceitful ways towards someone who had never done you harm. You say you only did it because some guy asked you to. IMO, that doesn't say much about you.

 

Well we can agree to not think much about each other because every post you put forward is basically relegating the blame beyond the person who did the betraying...we disagree. I have feelings about you as a person and you do me...I'll happily leave it at that. I will not grovel and lay at the feet of the BS-I was one. I made a choice to be loyal to someone I cared for and he made the choice to be deceitful to his W...if it had been my choice I'd have yelled it from the rooftops.

 

Good luck to you...