Wishing the OW well?

[turnstone]

Something I've just read in another thread has bought me up short and I'd like your view on the matter. Do you the BS, wish the [ex]OW would heal and gain a healthy, balanced outlook? If so, what is your motivation for wanting that for her? So she gains a sense of self-respect and leaves your husband alone? Surely if she becomes the healthy, self-sufficient, balanced individual that some wish she would, she would become more attractive? At the very least I would expect any BS to be completely indifferent to the OW's state of mind, but certainly not wish any good to it.

 

In my own case, I left my husband straight after discovering his horde of OW, started divorce proceedings and got tested. Each of the OW (that I know about) received a letter from my lawyer detailing that I have contracted an STD courtesy of my husband, the man they have all been sleeping with. One OW (that I know of) has remained firmly entrenched in his life even telling him that he could continue to see me (WTF?) and she would still sleep with him. I'm delighted he lost me for that and I hope that she remains insecure, clingy and desperate, because the longer she stays that way, the more hellish the nearly exh's life becomes.

[foreal]

Something I've just read in another thread has bought me up short and I'd like your view on the matter. Do you the BS, wish the [ex]OW would heal and gain a healthy, balanced outlook? If so, what is your motivation for wanting that for her? So she gains a sense of self-respect and leaves your husband alone? Surely if she becomes the healthy, self-sufficient, balanced individual that some wish she would, she would become more attractive? At the very least I would expect any BS to be completely indifferent to the OW's state of mind, but certainly not wish any good to it.

 

In my own case, I left my husband straight after discovering his horde of OW, started divorce proceedings and got tested. Each of the OW (that I know about) received a letter from my lawyer detailing that I have contracted an STD courtesy of my husband, the man they have all been sleeping with. One OW (that I know of) has remained firmly entrenched in his life even telling him that he could continue to see me (WTF?) and she would still sleep with him. I'm delighted he lost me for that and I hope that she remains insecure, clingy and desperate, because the longer she stays that way, the more hellish the nearly exh's life becomes.

 

I wish her to stay the hell away from my family and me.

 

Other than that, no other concerns.

[outofthedark]

"Surely if she becomes the healthy, self-sufficient, balanced individual that some wish she would, she would become more attractive?"

 

who says that you must be desperate and none of the above to become an ow? Does this threaten YOU? Forgiving others, or at least forgetting them helps you find peace within yourself.

[Spark1111]

There are all types of affairs, and all types of cheaters.

 

If my WS was a conquistadoro, interested in putting a notch in his belt every time he left town, and did not use protection thereby putting my health at risk, I would divorce him and feel very justified in hating him for the rest of my life. I would care even less about the bimbos he found to accommodate him sexually along the way.

 

I would be very, very, hurt and angry for a very long time.

 

But I would not want to get stuck there for too long.

 

Because every day I felt that pain of betrayal and bitterness, would be one day, one month, one year too many that I lost to the thoughtless actions of a selfish man.

 

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, so that you can move on freely to enjoy your life, your future, your happiness.

 

Forget? NEVER!

 

But whatever it takes for you to wake up a stronger happier person, is what you should do for you.

 

Maybe it's forgiving yourself that you fell in love with such a shallow immature man, or that needy, insecure women are everywhere looking for the daddy they never had.

 

Or that your life took a hard left and here you are in a wake of misery not of your own making.

 

Whatever it is, forgiveness is the key to moving on; not as a bitter piece of permanently damaged goods, but rather as a person hit hard in life that stands up and reclaims their own happiness.

[Snowflower]

There are all types of affairs, and all types of cheaters.

 

If my WS was a conquistadoro, interested in putting a notch in his belt every time he left town, and did not use protection thereby putting my health at risk, I would divorce him and feel very justified in hating him for the rest of my life. I would care even less about the bimbos he found to accommodate him sexually along the way.

 

I would be very, very, hurt and angry for a very long time.

 

But I would not want to get stuck there for too long.

 

Because every day I felt that pain of betrayal and bitterness, would be one day, one month, one year too many that I lost to the thoughtless actions of a selfish man.

 

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, so that you can move on freely to enjoy your life, your future, your happiness.

 

Forget? NEVER!

 

But whatever it takes for you to wake up a stronger happier person, is what you should do for you.

 

Maybe it's forgiving yourself that you fell in love with such a shallow immature man, or that needy, insecure women are everywhere looking for the daddy they never had.

 

Or that your life took a hard left and here you are in a wake of misery not of your own making.

 

Whatever it is, forgiveness is the key to moving on; not as a bitter piece of permanently damaged goods, but rather as a person hit hard in life that stands up and reclaims their own happiness.

 

Spark, this is a nice post. It sounds to me like you have forgiven your husband, do you think this is true? You seem to have accepted what has happened and this is good for your own soul.

 

I've read that once you have forgiven someone, you just know it. There is no longer any 'wondering' or anguish about what they have done. Yes, you always remember, and once in awhile it might hurt, but not like it hurt in the beginning.

 

Perhaps forgiving or wishing the OW well is part of this healthy process.

Edited December 1, 2009 by Snowflower
Clarity

[Spark1111]

As for the OW, I wish her no harm.

 

I want her to stay the hell away from my family.

 

And because I am a kind person, I hope she someday grows and matures enough so that she can find the life she truly wants.

 

And stops trying to steal the lives already enjoyed by more evolved women.

 

I mean, pain just begets more pain, for all involved. If not us, then maybe the next unsuspecting family, man, woman, child, will not have to go through what we have had to endure these last two years. AMEN.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

This OM, a married man, cheated on his wife.

He chose my WW as his target and used her.

He was a lying manipulator with the sole purpose of having sex with my WW.

 

I hated men that did this BEFORE I suffered from this.

 

The blame lies Squarely on my WW....however.

 

The OM has had no consequences and is surely on his way to destroying another marriage.

 

I wish him only horrible things.

[noreply110]

I think Sparks is right, I think there are different kinds of A. In my case, my FWS had a relationship with a woman who was under the impression he was going to leave me and start a life with her. When DD happened, we seperated by my choice and his complete resistance. I think that was her DD too. We have no childern and really no reasons we "have" to stay together, yet he choose to stay. And that was horrible for her.

 

In my case I now (after a LONG time) wish the OW peace. I don't want her near me, or my life, and she doesn't want to be. My FWS brought this into my world, and if I can forgive him- the person who really betrayed me, I can forgive the person he strung along.

[turnstone]

Spark, yes there are different types of affair and I was asking individuals what they feel about the particular OW in their own lives. I wasn't asking you to generalise or comment on my situation or make assumptions about me and what I feel about my position. Forgiving the OWomen in my case, would be as effective and necessary as forgiving a particularly nasty boil on the ass of humanity.

 

I hear you, blindsided. I have only abhorrence for the OWomen.

 

noreply110 - why would you wish her peace? Why wish her anything good?

[PhoenixRise]

I don't wish my H's fow well but I don't wish her ill either.

 

Can indifference = forgiveness?

 

I don't think about her future at all. I don't think about whether she will be happy in her life or not. I don't think about whether she is stable or not. I don't think about whether or not she is over the affair or whether or not she will continue to seek out MM.

 

But to wish her well?? Here is a person who tried her best to get her happiness at my expense and at the expense of upending my child's life. Indifference is the best I can do.

 

AND not that she cares.....but she should WANT me to stay indifferent.

[turnstone]

Phoenix, from what I've read, I like the way you think and I think you've hit the nail on the head with this post. I am striving for indifference towards the nearly-ex, far healthier than hate or good wishes.

 

People say 'forgive but never forget' - I'd rather the other way round, I don't want my future relationships to be tainted with the memories of this debacle.

[realworldexplorer]

Wow, if you can get to the point of wishing someone well, after they tried to steal away your spouse and M and would have chuckled while you lay dead on the floor, then you are either superhuman or you have a very good IC, priest, pastor or shrink. For myself, presently I am working on forgiving my FWS and that is enough for now. OM doesn't exist anymore so I really do not care a whit what becomes of him.

 

That said, I think the ultimate goal and test in this life is to be able to be grievously injured to your soul and then with all the strength you can muster (and plenty of time) rise above the injury and release the debt for everyone in the triangle without any retribution. Being able to do something like that in my life would make me feel that I was successful and held true humility in my heart. To err is human, to forgive divine. I guess I have to shoot for divine.

[eyeswide]

I think it depends in part on what kind of relationship one has/had with her.

 

I'm coming out of the closet with this info, but I think it's safe now...

 

Before their A, The OW was a cherished friend of mine. There were days when I think I loved her more than my husband and I actually trusted her more to care about my feelings than I did him.

 

In some ways her betrayal of me hurts me even more than his. We (my H and I) had our problems, we had our baggage, but OW and me? There was just a blooming friendship based on a strong sense of kinship. Our friendship was new enough not to have built up any baggage, but clearly strong and meaningful to both of us.

 

So do I wish her well? Absolutely. Have I forgiven her? Still working at it. Do I feel a sense of closure over her betrayal of our friendship. Not at all. I am truly haunted by memories of her both before, during and since the affair. It doesn't help that she has apparently decided that I am a bad person (!) who is in part to blame for what she perceives "happened to her."

 

Admittedly, her behavior and accusations of blame toward my H and me, post-affair, have diminished his feelings toward her. She's no longer "perfect for him." Am I glad of that? I'd be a liar to say I wasn't. At the same time, I'm embarrassed for her and I wish she could go about her life without feeling like she has to think of us as horrible people.

 

But I do wish her well. And her H. I wish they could both wish my H and I the same...

[foreal]

I think it depends in part on what kind of relationship one has/had with her.

 

I'm coming out of the closet with this info, but I think it's safe now...

 

Before their A, The OW was a cherished friend of mine. There were days when I think I loved her more than my husband and I actually trusted her more to care about my feelings than I did him.

 

In some ways her betrayal of me hurts me even more than his. We (my H and I) had our problems, we had our baggage, but OW and me? There was just a blooming friendship based on a strong sense of kinship. Our friendship was new enough not to have built up any baggage, but clearly strong and meaningful to both of us.

 

So do I wish her well? Absolutely. Have I forgiven her? Still working at it. Do I feel a sense of closure over her betrayal of our friendship. Not at all. I am truly haunted by memories of her both before, during and since the affair. It doesn't help that she has apparently decided that I am a bad person (!) who is in part to blame for what she perceives "happened to her."

 

Admittedly, her behavior and accusations of blame toward my H and me, post-affair, have diminished his feelings toward her. She's no longer "perfect for him." Am I glad of that? I'd be a liar to say I wasn't. At the same time, I'm embarrassed for her and I wish she could go about her life without feeling like she has to think of us as horrible people.

 

But I do wish her well. And her H. I wish they could both wish my H and I the same...

 

I gasped when I read this. This is my situation as well.

 

Somehow knowing another person out there had a friend do this to them makes me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing this.

[eyeswide]

I gasped when I read this. This is my situation as well.

 

Somehow knowing another person out there had a friend do this to them makes me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing this.

 

Happy to help...I just sent you a PM with more "info".

[2sure]

My H also had a bunch of OW.

I have contacted them all, initially just with a brief email stating that yes indeed he gave me an STD.

 

The majority of them did not know he was married, did not know of my existence, and didnt even know his real name. Most of them (the married ones) didnt care and never contacted me back. A few did (the single ones) , and they were surprised/angry at him, curious, whatever. I feel they were betrayed by him and taken advantage of as well and wish them luck with this lesson.

 

A few KNEW my H, so also knew me. For that...because they knew ME. No, they can go straight to hell.

[HarmonyHope]

Wow, if you can get to the point of wishing someone well, after they tried to steal away your spouse and M and would have chuckled while you lay dead on the floor, then you are either superhuman or you have a very good IC, priest, pastor or shrink. For myself, presently I am working on forgiving my FWS and that is enough for now. OM doesn't exist anymore so I really do not care a whit what becomes of him.

 

While I'm sure people like that do exist, I doubt very much that such a description is accurate for most "other" people. There is often a competition dynamic between a BS and an OW, but it is one that the WS sets up (and probably really enjoys).

[foreal]

There is often a competition dynamic between a BS and an OW, but it is one that the WS sets up (and probably really enjoys).

 

The WS sets it up- then the AP spikes it.

[eeyore1981]

I live in a very, very small town, so I am pretty up on what whore is doing without even trying.

 

Do I wish her well? Hell no. I hope she suffers some major disfiguring terminal disease and dies a painful death.

 

I LMAO when I found out she was dating this horrible nasty slimebag, then I ROFLMAO when I heard he cheated on her. (I'm snickering thinking about it.) She is currently engaged to some guy who I don't know, but a couple of friends of mine do, and they were telling me he is another slimeball, always making crude comments to women, etc. Then I accidentally saw a picture of him, and eeewwwwwwww. Keeps me in giggles every time I think she has to have sex with this guy, and he will probably cheat on her, too.

 

Here's the thing, this whore knew H, knew me, knew H was married, and that's not even what makes it bad. She befriended my daughter, who was very ill, and used that connection with her as an in to start calling my H. She got his number from the pharmacy she worked at, because he left it for the PHARMACY to call when my daughter's prescriptions were ready. As soon as she got her claws into my H, she dumped my daughter like a hot rock, so not only was I hurt when this all came out, but so was my daughter, plus she felt guilty, like she was responsible for her father screwing around.

 

Neither one of them give a crap what they put others through, so as far as I am concerned, they can both rot in hell.

[JaneInVegas]

As long as she stays completely out of our lives, I honestly wish her all the best.

 

If she dares to rear her ugly head into our relationship again, I'll prolly read through the other thread again about favorite revenge fantasies for some creative new ideas.

[turnstone]

I still don't get it. Sure if the OW didn't know that he was married, was lied to as much as the BS, then she's obviously innocent and I'd be the first in line wishing her a clear STD test, but when the OW knows exactly what the situation is and has even been a friend of the BS... words fail me.

 

I guess I'll never make it as a saint

 

ETS: Eeyore, I've just read your post properly; that's betrayal on a whole other level. How on earth did you avoid jail?

Edited December 2, 2009 by turnstone

[seren]

Can't say I wish her well, can't say I wish her anything really. I feel indifference to her, same as she felt toward me when she and H had an A. I initially felt sorry for her as she seemed very needy and stuck in a boring marriage and has had multiple A's. But, once H had ended it he had NC and that was that - up to us then to rebuild and nothing to do with her.

 

To her credit, she answered all I asked, truthfully, she apologised, which I didn't look for. The nothingness of it all and the huge hurt it caused me made me think that it was so completely selfish of them both. I only wish those I care about well, and only hate those I have loved so indifference is all I feel for her. I have said it before, but it was my H who owed me the truth, the OP just owed me the respect I would show for another human beings hurt.

 

I do wish she finds peace as she has gone on to have other A's and the trail of destruction she leaves behind her just beggars belief. (sorry bit off topic).

Were she a friend of mine I would be so unspeakably hurt and would feel that she had betrayed my trust, and would never speak with her again, nor would I wish her well. In some ways, that betrayal would be worse than that of H.

Edited December 2, 2009 by seren
add words

[eeyore1981]

I still don't get it. Sure if the OW didn't know that he was married, was lied to as much as the BS, then she's obviously innocent and I'd be the first in line wishing her a clear STD test, but when the OW knows exactly what the situation is and has even been a friend of the BS... words fail me.

 

I guess I'll never make it as a saint

 

ETS: Eeyore, I've just read your post properly; that's betrayal on a whole other level. How on earth did you avoid jail?

 

Xanax, lots and lots of Xanax. I had gotten the prescription a couple of months before this all came out.

 

Bit of humor, this guy I knew was also friends with her, and when this first came out, he told her she should be on her knees every day thanking God for Xanax, or she would be in the ER taking her meals through a straw.

 

As far as H, he doesn't know how close he has come to being beaten half to death, many times over.

 

Xanax, if used properly, can be a wonderful thing.

[eyeswide]

I still don't get it. Sure if the OW didn't know that he was married, was lied to as much as the BS, then she's obviously innocent and I'd be the first in line wishing her a clear STD test, but when the OW knows exactly what the situation is and has even been a friend of the BS... words fail me.

 

I guess I'll never make it as a saint

 

 

I'm not interested in sainthood, and I've messed up in my life waaaay too much to even come close to qualifying. I'm an a-hole right up there with the best of them (I'll mention again that I, myself, once cheated on my husband.)

 

The argument I have with myself is this: if my husband loved me AND was able to do this to me, and I am actively forgiving him, why would I not forgive her? And if I know that I myself have hurt people I love in the most horrendous way possible, and yet desire forgiveness, why would I not forgive her?

 

And even with those nearly What Would Jesus Do? kinds of arguments that I make to myself (not that I normally pose WWJD? questions to myself, but he seems like a nifty guy and a lot of people seem to like him ) I still haven't quite found it in me to forgive her. I, like so many other BSs, want answers...and yet there's probably no answer that will ever make any GD sense to me at all.

 

But I want to do SOMETHING to get the woman out of my head. I want to stop waking up at 2:30 and then 3:30 and then 4:30 a.m. without her right there in my head, telling me how I don't deserve what I have, or how he'll never love me like he loved her, or how I was a fool to believe that I ever mattered to her. If forgiveness will get me a good night's sleep, I'm going to try...

[turnstone]

eeyore, seems like you have an inner strength too, that Xanax has nothing to do with.

 

frozen, I think you've got it. For me, I don't need to forgive anyone to make myself feel ok and to be emotionally healthy. I know that each and everyone of the OW as well as my nearly ex behaved inhumanely and to forgive, in my world, signifies a certain degree of tolerance for that behavior. So just like I don't need to forgive paedophiles for their actions in abusing children to be emotionally ok, I don't need to forgive the perpetrators of my pain.