girly81 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I have been emotionally involved with a mm for about 3 months. We have been friends for about 18 months and our families are very close. It was a very slow build but and we have obviously had a strong connection since we met. 3 months ago he im'd me and we chatted. That was the beginning of a more intentional relationship that didn't involve our spouses. So fast forward 3 months and last week I sent him an email that essentially ended things. I spoke only of our friendship (as we have never acknowledged more) and asked why he was very hot and cold with me. I either needed clarity or space. He choose to show the email to his wife in the interest of "being open". That resulted in a two hour conversation with her were she glowed about his boundaries with women and how he just wanted everything to be on the up and up. Obviously he had not come clean about everything- possible nothing. She was able to gloss over the fact that he had given me a private email address to send the email- great boundaries with women BTW. Since all this has gone down I have seen him twice. We have kept everything acceptable, no physical contact, no eye contact, no quiet conversation between the two of us....nothing that had previously spelled trouble. And I am fine. I miss him but realize this is what needed to happen. There was no happy ending. In the words of Taylor Swift "I am not his princess, this isn't our fairy tale, and its way too late for him and his white horse". It's the end for me. My question is this. Is this really the end for him? Is he going to try and pursue this again. I need to mentally prepare myself to shut it down. And there is a small part of me that thinks this is just like a phase and although it has been a week... Our relationship has been very hot and cold the whole three months. There will be a couple of days where he will call me three times in a day, we will hang out a lot, he will be very affectionate in word and deed. And then we will go days where we have no contact and what contact there is is tense and i get the picture that he is avoiding me. I am not looking for judgment on how selfish and wrong I have been... I get that.
Heather1 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 welcome to purgatory.... If I've learned anything in the last 2 years, it's that once you cross the line it's REALLY hard to end! I've gone through every phase of NC, friends, back to lovers, back to NC, etc.. It's not over until someone actually falls out of love, and it's usually the guy.
Author girly81 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Thanks heather for your input... I don't know where his feelings are...I don't think he was in "love". I don't know that he was in "like"... we never acknowledged anything. I think actions speak louder then words and he was far from having good "boundaries" with me. I have no idea why he decided to show his wife. Don't get me wrong I am not mad at him for doing the right thing. I just don't get why this though. If he was coming clean there was far more significant things to reveal. Although everything in isolation would seem pretty innocent. I suspect that his confession was an attempt to ease his guilt. Based on what I have read here and our history, I suspect he will test the waters when his guilt resides. That's what I was curious about... other women's experiences and inclinations.
jwi71 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Why don't you open up to your H? Try MC and IC. IC is for you to understand what about you led you down this path. And the MC is for you and your H to begin to TRY and reconnect. Let's be honest, an A is not a symptom of a happy W or a good M for her. Try and be healthier and better in this M - or should this one end, the next.
Author girly81 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 My husband now knows. He knows 90% of what has occurred and I don't feel like the last 10% would be helpful. I might change my mind as time goes by but this is enough for now. My husband is incredibly forgiving, loyal, and perhaps a bit naive but the extent of an emotional relationship.
jwi71 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 My husband now knows. He knows 90% of what has occurred and I don't feel like the last 10% would be helpful. I might change my mind as time goes by but this is enough for now. Then he doesn't know if the last 10% would change his perception. He STILL doesn't know. And, let's face it...you aren't sparing him the last 10%...you're sparing yourself. And, even though you don't agree, you NEED to tell the last 10%. My husband is incredibly forgiving, loyal, and perhaps a bit naive but the extent of an emotional relationship.Then tell him the missing pieces. There is a reason you don't. Ask yourself, given that he is this forgiving, why you do not tell. Go to IC. Go to MC. If you don't address the problems now...they won;t go away. And if you wait to divulge the last 10%, your H will be MOST hurt by the amount of time that passed before you told. He will question everything from the A until your full disclosure. Make that time as small as possible.
outofthedark Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 If he is as forgiving as you say, he deserves the truth. Hell even if he isnt forgiving he deserves the truth.... ALL of it. You cannot move on till you come 100% clean..eventually that other 10% will leak out somehow and it will devastate him and set his meter back to ZERO! Show him some respect now or you may regret it
Author girly81 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I appreciate all the concern about my being open with my husband. What I have and haven't chosen to tell him is not up for debate. Its my bed and I have to lie in it. I was simply looking for perspective from people who have walked this road. Just wondering if I should anticipate my EPA to try again so that I could emotionally be prepared.
Mimolicious Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 The line is drawn where you draw it! you are assuming that he may go back to contacting you (hopes up) and you're already asking what are you going to do?!?!?! Why not program yourself to NOT even entertain this kind of relationship. You have a chance to avoid disaster...
Author girly81 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 You are misunderstanding my question. There have been three instances already where I was sure things were over and he was backing off only to have him come on stronger. All three times I was completely surprised... and melted. While i don't want to unnecessarily sit around waiting for that, I don't want to be emotionally unprepared either.
jwi71 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Oh no, we get the question. The question is "How do I get control over me back"? Answer: When it suits YOU. We understand by the wording and tone (and your actions) you aren't ready for this A to end. You still ALLOW him in your life and in such you GIVE him this power and control. If you want this "leave and come back" to end...you MUST end the A. Period. Because an A by its very nature consists of stolen moments and times. By its very nature, he will go an come as he wants/needs. Notice, little regard for YOU. Its all him. To end it, the coming and going, you END the A. And the quickest way to end it is NC and FULL disclosure to BOTH spouses. You aren't doing that though. Like you said its your choice. And this is the consequence of that choice. No matter what you do you have nasty repercussions. No way around it. Tell both spouses the whole truth...then marriages may end. However, in at least some respects, they're already over. Maybe they can be salvaged. Don't tell and this little "back and forth" continues. And it svcks for YOU. It also continues for as long as YOU allow it. Really, if you were strong enough to end this on your own you would have. You need help. The surest way to end the A is full disclosure and NC with your lover. Until you do that, THIS is your new normal. Pick your poison.
hopeless4u Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I have been emotionally involved with a mm for about 3 months. We have been friends for about 18 months and our families are very close. It was a very slow build but and we have obviously had a strong connection since we met. 3 months ago he im'd me and we chatted. That was the beginning of a more intentional relationship that didn't involve our spouses. So fast forward 3 months and last week I sent him an email that essentially ended things. I spoke only of our friendship (as we have never acknowledged more) and asked why he was very hot and cold with me. I either needed clarity or space. He choose to show the email to his wife in the interest of "being open". That resulted in a two hour conversation with her were she glowed about his boundaries with women and how he just wanted everything to be on the up and up. Obviously he had not come clean about everything- possible nothing. She was able to gloss over the fact that he had given me a private email address to send the email- great boundaries with women BTW. Since all this has gone down I have seen him twice. We have kept everything acceptable, no physical contact, no eye contact, no quiet conversation between the two of us....nothing that had previously spelled trouble. And I am fine. I miss him but realize this is what needed to happen. There was no happy ending. In the words of Taylor Swift "I am not his princess, this isn't our fairy tale, and its way too late for him and his white horse". It's the end for me. My question is this. Is this really the end for him? Is he going to try and pursue this again. I need to mentally prepare myself to shut it down. And there is a small part of me that thinks this is just like a phase and although it has been a week... Our relationship has been very hot and cold the whole three months. There will be a couple of days where he will call me three times in a day, we will hang out a lot, he will be very affectionate in word and deed. And then we will go days where we have no contact and what contact there is is tense and i get the picture that he is avoiding me. I am not looking for judgment on how selfish and wrong I have been... I get that. Doesn't sound like he wanted any kind of relationship with you, just as and when it suited him. If he does come back for more of the same then my advice would be to either completely ignore him or to tell him in no uncertain terms to back off. This has disaster written all over it, your families are close....isn't that enough of a reason to stop it ever starting again?? As an xOW I can see where you are coming from and I know the hurt and confusion you are going through but now it has ended and you can set boundaries, my advice is to do just that.
fooled once Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Either you want it to be over or you don't. IF he contacts you, how YOU react will show what your true intentions are. Did you two have sex? And I am guessing during all the confessing, if sex happened, that part wasn't told to the spouses. Who knows what he will do; well, I mean HE does. No 2 affairs are exactly alike. Many of the lies and lines told by the MM are the same. If he feels you will accept him, he will be back. What will you do if that happens? Will you accept him back? Will you pick back up?
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