MassEmotions14 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 [sIZE=2]I have been trying to find anything and everything I can in the past week or so regarding broken engagements for words of wisdom and encouragement, and figured it may be therapeutic for me to get my story out there. I'm not going to go into all the details, but here is a quick version of the story. I started dating M in February 2008 and we dated for 6 months. In that time we got along great, had a fabulous time together, got really close and things were awesome. We did get into a few arguments, nothing major and I chalked it up to learning about one another - nothing out of the ordinary. Also, in that time he had the opportunity to transfer within his company for a promotion. As much as I didn't want him to go, I would never want to hold someone back from what their goals. Also, he had lost his brother in September 2007 to cancer and I know he was experiencing a lot of emotional pain. He felt as though a change of scenery would do him good. We decided that we would stay together as it was only a 3.5hr drive and while it wasn't ideal, it was definitely workable. On August 20th he broke up with me and said that he didn't feel as though the "sparks" were there anymore and that he was confused and needed time to sort through things. In the meantime though, he left for NYC and I was left with an emptiness and I was also left to draw my own conclusions. I respected his wishes for space and did not contact him except for a quick email on the anniversary of his brothers' passing to let him know I was thinking of him and his family. But that was it! I was so proud of myself because there were millions of times I wanted to send him an email, call him or text him… but I didn't. In October, I still hadn't heard from him so I decided that for me - I needed closure. I sent him an email explaining that I had drawn my own conclusions and that out of respect for me and for our relationship I figured I would have heard from him by now. That night, I got a call from him - we talked for 2 hours and that weekend he made plans to head back to Mass so we could meet for lunch to talk. During that lunch, we were both very emotional and he told me that there wasn't a day that didn't go by that he didn't think of me and that he wanted to call/write/text a million times also but didn't know what to say. At that point, we mutually decided to give things a another shot. While I was a bit apprehensive at first, that slowly went away and things were truly great! We spent as much time as we could together… and while the distance was a bummer, we spoke on the phone every night before we went to bed and emailed/texted throughout each day. We heavily relied on communication and I think it made us stronger. He was also able to work out of the Boston office every once in a while which made his trips home more frequent. We went away together with his family for a week in Feb, and had a fantastic time… things couldn't have been better. Then, at the end of March he proposed at the top of the Empire State Building and we were both on top of the world… literally! At this point, we had discussed our future plans as far as where we would locate. At first, I was going to move there but then we decided that since we would most likely end up settling in the Boston area, he would come back this way and would hopefully transfer with his company. That way, I didn't have to find a new job, etc. The plan was that he was going to move home at the end of October and we were going to purchase a house that was in his family. Once we got engaged the bickering began. I was getting stressed out about wedding planning ($, details, date, etc) and it was hard planning with him in another state… but we got the major things out of the way and things got much better. Then, there was a lot of back and forth regarding the house due to his family. His family is great but they did a lot of things I didn't agree with and I tried to just keep my mouth shut but it did start to take it's toll on us. I chalked up the bickering and arguing to the fact that we were both under a lot of stress due to the house, wedding, long distance, etc. But we always managed to get through. However, we did get into a huge argument… at that point we realized that we dealt with conflict differently. I wanted to talk about things and get over them quickly and he needed some space to sort out his thoughts and then talk about it. We were having a hard time finding a middle ground, so he suggested going to therapy. I was apprehensive about it first, but it was important to him so I went… and it was actually REALLY helpful. I've gone to therapy in the past, so I don't know why I wasn't so willing to go… I guess it was admitting that there was a huge disconnect. We only went one time because things got better. Okay, so… I had been living in an apartment with a friend and we finally figured out we'd be closing on the house on November 20th. I had decided to move home with my parents in September to save money and allow my current roommate to find another living situation. Plus, I figured I could save $ for the house. I also changed jobs after much discussion between M and I… so that I would be closer to our new house. This new job was a great opportunity but also came with a pay cut and commuting costs, but he reassured me it would be okay, and I believed him. Halloween weekend I went to NJ to move M home and he was staying with me and my parents for a few weeks until the house was ready. I thought things were going well and we were right on our path. We had gotten into some pretty insignificant arguments, but it felt as though we were arguing about everything… but again, I just chalked it up to all the changes and the stress. Three Mondays ago, we got into an argument over email while both of us were at work and he decided that he was going to go home to his parents house for a few nights to clear his head. This bothered me tremendously because I just wanted to work it out then and there. He actually left work early, went to my parents house and packed some of his things. My mom called me to tell me he was there so I asked if I could speak to him. He reluctantly got on the phone after my mom let him know that I was sick over this and at a new job, mind you… so the timing was just terrific. Anyway, he couldn't give me a solid answer as to when he was going to come back so I was frustrated and said "fine, then pack all of your things"… and he did. I felt terrible, but I was just so shocked that he was just going to leave. I texted/emailed/called him and apologized and asked if we could please just talk and clear the air. I did not hear from him for 3 days… 3 days and this is the man I'm supposed to be moving into a house with in a week and getting married to. Finally, I got an email from him saying that we needed to talk and I knew at that moment what was coming. He came to my house and told me that he just couldn't do this anymore - he just couldn't try… it felt broken and emotionally drained. He also said that somewhere along the way he lost the excitement to spend time with me (here we go again with this excuse) I was floored… he had obviously made up his mind and there was no convincing him otherwise. I told him that he better be 200% sure that this is what he wanted because I couldn't go through this again. He already broke up with me once. He said that if he woke up and realized he made a mistake, I would never hear from him again because he can't bear the fact that he's already hurt me twice. He was a wreck… uncontrollably sobbing. He told me he felt like he did when his brother passed and that he felt as though a part of him would forever be missing. I asked if he loved me and he said "yes"… but he also said that he believes that there are numerous people out there for us and that we're just not a good fit. Oh really? Then, why did you propose 8 months ago? We talked and cried for a while until he left… I was able to offer him some perspective and things that I didn't think he took into consideration. I told him that I know his decision to propose was a well thought out planned thing and I didn't understand how he could have taken 3 days to just end it all. He just said this is what he needed right now… Yup, RIGHT NOW! UGH! He asked for the ring back and said that he bought it as a gift for his future wife and that wasn't me. Oh, and he needed the money from the ring for the house that he was still going to buy. He also said that he thinks he's depressed (which I've been thinking for a while now because I don't feel as though eh ever really coped with the loss of his brother). I urged him to seek help, and I hope that he does because he owes it to himself to be happy. Anyway, he left and I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I feel as though I changed so many things in my life for him… for us, and now what?? It was just a horrible, horrible day that will forever be in my memory. I felt as though he took so many things away from me… oh The next day we discovered that he still had some personal things at my house (pictures of his family, etc) we sent it via UPS to his house. It arrived on Monday and Monday night he called to thank me for sending him everything. We ended up talking for 2 hours… the entire conversation he basically cried through. I was strong and didn't cry at all. I was able to say things to him and I feel like he actually got what I was saying. I said "this is the type of constructive conversation we should have had last week, but instead you blocked me out of your head for 3 days and convinced yourself this was the right decision and you came to my house with your mind already made up". When I mentioned that I wish it never happened, he said "me too"… God, it was just such a gut wrenching conversation. We ended the convo with both of saying that we loved one another and then we got off the phone. That was two Mondays ago, and there has been little contact since. I emailed him the next day and said that It was great to hear his voice and that I truly believed that things will work out the way they're supposed to. And that was it… until Thanksgiving. I had been so good with resisting the urge to contact him because I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere, but I texted him to wish him a Happy thanksgiving and he wrote back the same. And then I had to send him some mail and wrote a quick little note… but that's it. These past two weeks have been brutal. I don't feel like eating, I don't really feel like talking to anyone… I know it will get better, but I'm sick over the fact that he's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about at night. I'm so overwhelmed with the thought of moving on, that I refuse to think to far ahead… one day at a time. I don't want to hold out any false hope, but I can't help but think about how he's feeling, and what he's doing, and is he just relieved, or sad? People keep saying "well better now, then when you're married'… but how about "better never". This isn't the life I envisioned. I have realistic expectations of a relationship and know that there are ups and downs in any relationship… it's just life. I feel as though he has these really unrealistic expectations and I'm just so disappointed that when the going got a little tough, he ran away. However, after some heavy reflection I wonder if it's indicative of his personality and his life? Anyway, I know this is a novel… but I've been reading these posts for two weeks now and decided it was my turn to share my story. I've always felt that writing can be therapeutic. [/sIZE]
DustySaltus Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I have been through a similar situation with my Ex in that when things got rough they ran for the hills instead of digging in there heels. There were so many problems in my relationship, the biggest being that I was dealing with someone that was mentally ill. You can read some of my earliest posts to see what I've been through. I know that your EX has been through a lot. But to be fair to you he never should've proposed to you if his head wasa not right. The moment he proposed to you, he should realize that through thick and thin the two of you have now become one. But instead he goes off on his own for a few days. I'm sorry but he sounds like a weak individual. You need a to be with someone that can take the hits life throws at us and keep moving forward. Relationships aren't tested at the Empire State Building or under a Waterfall in the Middle East (in my case) when things are going great...they are tested on a bust Tuesday night, when the bills are piling up, the kids are crying and work is crazy...and you look at the person next to you and say "I love you and I'm not going anywhere.....we will get through this". That's what TRUE LOVE is. I'm not going to even get into the whole ring situation...that was really sly. You did all you could. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The right person is waiting for us out there. I know sometimes you don't want to hear that but trust me eventually you will believe that. One day at a time, that's all you can do. But please don't contact him anymore..begin the healing process. Any else I can do for you, please let me know. D
billy356 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Yup Dusty is right, while I am sure there is another side of the story of course, it sounds like you were going about things the correct way. Something changed and it is probably best not to know exactly what. I know you don't like hearing statements like this but you dodged a bullet so to speak. Things would have been a whole lot messier a year down the road. Trust me, my ex left our business that she was a 50% partner in. Just left. Went 3500 miles away without any regards to her responsibilities. It leaves us looking up at the sky and going "seriously? THIS I deserved somehow?" It wont be easy getting through this but eventually it will happen. Pardon my bluntness but you got screwed on this one...THAT will be the hardest part to get over I know you can though....wishing you the best
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