madrugada Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Yesterday I was doing okay. Not fantastic, just okay, then I got home from work and found in the mail a card from the jewelry store where I bought her ring. Then I started thinking how I need to return it, a trip I've been avoiding because it represents the biggest defeat of my life, then I started thinking about the night she gave it back, which led to thinking about everything that happened ... So it set me back a bit. Each day brings new revelations about our relationship, about things that went wrong. Each day I have to push her out of my mind, who she might be with, what she might be doing. She wants to have lunch this week, but I don't think I can bring myself to do it. I've had no contact for about two weeks, since she texted me to ask how I was doing. She said she was worried about me. I didn't answer. I mean, how am I supposed to answer that? Am I supposed to say "Oh I'm great. I'm s****ing rainbows?" But we set up this lunch date a while back. Please, anybody, talk me out of having lunch with her. I'm afraid I'll go through with it, then have to start this process all over again.
jerbear Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 From what I've read, I would suggest finding out WHY she wants to have lunch, from a mutual friend if possible. If she wants to just chat then I suggest letting her know that you're disappointed and that lunch is out of the question. Now if she wants to reconcile then you have a choice to make.
Author madrugada Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Nope. No hope of reconciliation. Two months ago she gave the ring back, saying she was willing to work on things. Three weeks later she dumped me and moved out. She's busy moving on, just wants to check on how I'm doing. I'm tempted to go to lunch with her, but seeing her will hurt. I keep going back and forth on the whole thing.
jerbear Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Since there is no reconciliation then I suggest lunch will be out of the question. You should just let her know you are fine and thank her for her concerns. Better yet, don't say a thing, silence is golden. Just let it go and move on.
sean1970 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 From what I've read, I would suggest finding out WHY she wants to have lunch, from a mutual friend if possible. If she wants to just chat then I suggest letting her know that you're disappointed and that lunch is out of the question. Now if she wants to reconcile then you have a choice to make. I understand what jer is saying here, but I would suggest not asking a mutual friend. You really never know what/if that person will say something to the ex. Trust us, we have a good idea why the ex wants to have lunch... You are comfort food. She knows you, you know her, surely you could both have a good time... Never works out how you think it will... I met mine when she was here. Went to the bar, played games there, dance lessons the next day, all ended when I started talking about the relationship the last day she was here. Some people can pull off looking like they are 'ok' but many that meet their ex soon after the breakup are betrayed by their body language/eye contact. The ex will see it if you are still hung up on her. You said there was no hope of getting back together. If that is the case, why pick and a healing wound by seeing her? If nothing else, make her work harder for it. You deserve that right?
USMCHokie Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Better yet, don't say a thing, silence is golden. Just let it go and move on. Do this...but at least have the decency to tell her you can't make it. You don't owe her any reason. Then be done with it.
nobmagnet Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I really dont think you should go. I am sure she could be a nice person. but its not good for you. You have moved on. you need to continue the process and seeing her again will really set you back to square one. I bet she has chosen the outfit, her make up and hair. Trust me she will look better than you have ever seen her. DONT DO IT. I do this when my ex comes to fetch the kids and it drives him nuts I look better than I have in years. I can see the regret in his eyes. (its a girl thing) I wouldnt want her to do that to you as you dont deserve the pain. My ex however ...........does! hee hee
mendsley Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I agree with everyone else, DO NOT GO! You may think it is a good idea but all that is, is hope. You have to understand that if she wanted to be with you she would let you know! You may think you are gonna meet up and she will see the light, she will see that she made a mistake. This my friend will NOT happen. The only thing you will get out of seeing her is PAIN. Do what USMCHokie suggests: Do this...but at least have the decency to tell her you can't make it. You don't owe her any reason. Then be done with it. The best thing to do is be nice, respectful and avoid her like the plague. I have been thru almost the exact same thing you are going thru, I know from experience what you will go thru. I have been fighting my pain for a little over 14 months and it is all my fault. I would go see her, buy her things, tell her things I thought would be good for her to hear. All that did was make her not want to know what I was doing cause she already knew. Then she met another guy and now she can f**k off. We have a child together but I will not answer her calls and will not see her, unless it is about our child. Women are deep thinkers and thats the power we have against them, make thier mind run wild and the only way to do that is act aloof and if you HAVE to speak be very respectful and get the f**k out of there cause she there to analyze and bring you down. Good luck
illadelph Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I totally agree with nobmagnet. I recently had the opportunity to have dinner with my ex; total mistake. I haven't felt that defeated in my whole life. Not only did I appear completely weak to him but I set my recovery back almost to square one. Seeing him was not worth the pain that I endured after. The only thing that encounter was good for was the confirmation that I should avoid him at all costs, I'm not ready to see him and I probably won't be ready to see him for a while. I have also realized that it is genuinely time to let go. I cannot continue to hang on to someone that isn't interested; it is only embarrassing and disheartening. And I have to stick to this resolution. I have reminders all over the place that I shouldn't contact him because I ALWAYS regret it ... without fail. And I don't want you to regret it either. Based on your original post, I think that you're almost in the same boat as me in terms of where you are in the healing process. So my recommendation is, don't do what I did ... instead, let it go. Let it pass. It's not worth the disappointment that will more than likely follow, especially because she's said that she's not interested in a reconciliation. You're bigger, better and stronger than this and today is not the day that you'll let the situation get the better of you (that's what I tell myself all the time). As to how you tell her that you don't want to have lunch, I'm really not sure. But I disagree with jerbear in that you shouldn't tell her that you're disappointed that the lunch is not to discuss a reconciliation. Quite frankly, I think you should just not say anything about it at all. There is no reason for her to check on you (I hate when my ex does that ... like he expects me to be devastated all the time and that my world is at an end), if she cared enough about your happiness and state of mind, she wouldn't have left. So, moving on.
Author madrugada Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Thanks everyone. I've decided against the lunch date. It's true, she's already moved on and it would only set me back in this whole painful process. I'm at a point right now, a little over a month out, where it's starting to get better. I can't say I have good days and bad days - more like good moments and bad moments - but at least I'm to a point where I no longer just want to curl up in a ball and die. Hearing from people who've been through this has been a big help. I actually had a dream about the lunch date. I was sitting there looking into her big brown eyes and just dying inside. So yeah, it would be a bad idea.
Author madrugada Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 So on the whole lunch date thing. I've been in strict NC a little over two weeks. Each day it gets easier. She texted me Wednesday night - "Do you still want to have lunch this week? How's Friday sound?" I didn't respond. Yesterday she texted me - "Hey call me this evening so we can work out the details." I didn't respond. Then she texted me again - "How's noon for you?" I didn't respond. Then this morning again - "Hey sorry I can't make lunch today. How about next week?" So basically she made and broke a date that I never even confirmed. Who does that?
sean1970 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 So basically she made and broke a date that I never even confirmed. Who does that? Someone who will stay your ex
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) Someone who want to know their EX is still interested to boost their ego. She wants to see you at some point to releave her guilt if your doing ok or boost her ego if your not. No matter what it is a loss-loss situation for you if you meet up with her. Stay NC move on to someone who really cares about you, Edited December 5, 2009 by GrayClouds
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