Elephant Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hi, We have been married for 23 years have two children, & for most of the time its been good but & here's the thing she has one hell of a temper with me & our children, she is not physical more psychological and its worn me down to the point where the children are leaving cos of there ages & I have little respect left for my wife, its like you cant hurt them as they are both older & now you cant hurt me through them. The other thing is I do care & love her deeply but not in a physical sense, & I have grown to love someone else who I have know for 25 years & we have always been good friends, this friend is so different & I just know I would be happy with her, yes we had an affair I just had enough of the threats at home & my friend supported me, which led to us becoming closer than we had planned, but once done we realised we both had been thinking the same about the other for years, just that timings were not right. I do need to make a decision to either stay or go. If I stay I will be okay & my wife will be happy (I did a month ago ask my wife for a divorce) as we have a good understanding of each of our needs, & I dont want to hurt her I do feel protective of her. If I go it will devastate my wife & probably hurt the family's but I will be happy, which sort of leads me to a decision that I wont leave because to do so would be selfish. What do you think
Barby Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Staying just for the sake of staying isn't fair to your wife...you said that you're worn down..the kids are basically grown...you stayed for their sake and because you feel protective over your wife and family. But.......that didn't stop you from having an affair. You know being with your "friend" makes you truly happy so why stay in a miserable marriage, maybe divorce is the best thing for all involved? Don't you think it's time you live for YOU?!?! Staying just to stay is NOT fair to either your wife or yourself...not to mention your "friend"....you two have loved each other for a long time...so since you've given your marriage more than a fair chance, raised your kids, and still aren't happy....maybe it's time to man-up and give this other relationship a real chance outside of the shadows and try and make a real go of it with this other woman. Who knows..you may find the true happiness that you're so obviously lacking at home. I'm sure the time you have invested in your marriage, as well as the kids....is enough for you to deny your own true happiness...but they're grown and in the end...are you really being fair to anyone involved if you stay in sham/loveless (in a romantic way) marriage?
hopesndreams Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Just go. What are you waiting for? Go find your greener grass. You can come up with every excuse in the book to justify what it is that you've done. Fact is, you're a coward and if you think you will find "happiness" with someone else, you are sadly mistaken. True happiness comes only from within.
JackJack Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Have you ever thought about sitting down with your wife and telling her how you feel? How it feels when she has the temper flareups with you and the kids over the years? Have you ever thought about some kind of marriage counseling or even individual counseling for you both? Does she realize she gets like that? I'm not saying her temper outbursts or whatever is right, but have you ever gotten to the root of why she might be acting like that? I mean, if you have tried everything in the book to get the the root of the problem and work on what's going on, and to no avail nothing is changing or working for the better, then that's one thing, but to not even really try and see what's going on or causing her to act this way, and then justify how you feel by having an affair is something totally different in my opinion. You said you asked your wife about a month ago for a divorce...how did that go, and what did she say about it?
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Do you feel you and your wife have worked together to try to reconnect, make your marriage better? Do you feel you've given it your all, and really tried hard to have more intimacy and deep love for your wife? If the answer is yes and you feel the way you do, then before you decide to separate/divorce, seek counselling. Just to make sure you aren't really leaving because of the OW. But.. What if you divorce, and you regret it? Feel that you could have done more, given your wife more love and attention, gone out on dates together and really worked with her to reconnect like you once did years ago..Obviously you were inlove with her at some point to get married and have kids, right?
freestyle Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Just wondering, is your W aware of the fact that you had an affair? Was she aware of how emotionally invested you were/are in your 'friend'. Was your W included in this friendship? Do you think it's possible that your W's temper flare-ups at you had something to do with your involvement with this other person?
carhill Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 How long ago was the physical part of the affair? Is the affair partner known to your wife and children? Is the affair partner married? Was she married during the PA? IMO, the friend has perhaps shone a light on a path to health, but that path you must walk alone. What's the longest period in your friendship that you've been out of contact? Welcome to LS
Author Elephant Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Many thanks your all very helpful My wife is aware of her temper, has said she would not talk to people at work like it but does to me, sometimes its like a person would speak to a dog with absolutly no feeling towards me. dont get me wrong I have tried many ways to improve the situation & help our relationship mostly they work for a 6 week period the bang, I try again and so on. On the affair it was short lived with a divorcee who is a friend of both of ours my wife is not aware of the affair but knows we have both been unhappy for some time. What we are trying to do is reconnect but this is difficult as I am not as tollerent as I once was, she is very willing I am not so optomistic but we are on an even keel at the mo. The other W is now just a friend and nothing more but one thing it did lead to was a much better sex life between my wife & I however this is not enough on its own. I think we will see how it goes over the next 6 weeks if the temper flares still happen I will have to move on Oh and the person who said im a coward... well you know nothing! dam right! Thanks to you all
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Tell your wife about the affair. You ARE a coward if you don't.
JackJack Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Ok, so what is her reason for not talking "like a dog" to others, but she does to you? You said you've tried many ways to improve the situation, what have you done to improve it?
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Has your wife ever sought out anger management therapy? Sounds like she needs it. Also, an affair may have helped YOU, but it hasn't helped your marriage..If anything, having that affair has disconnected yourself emotionally from your wife. You feel no intimacy towards your wife because of the OW.
carhill Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 You feel no intimacy towards your wife because of the OW. Yeah, it changes. The OP might have mostly disconnected prior, due to pulling back a bloody stump each time he tried, but the OW definitely puts a lock on the door, IME.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hey elephant, how's the STD test going??? I mean affairs are cool like you said on the other thread right?
JackJack Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hey elephant, how's the STD test going??? I mean affairs are cool like you said on the other thread right? RUT ROH!
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 On the affair it was short lived with a divorcee who is a friend of both of ours my wife is not aware of the affair but knows we have both been unhappy for some time. So that's a double betrayal.. You and her friend.. Why not ask for an open marriage instead of cheating? Yeah the A is over, but something tells me that it could start up again if your marriage goes south..
freestyle Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 OP, precisely what is your W angry about?? I'm not saying this is you, but I've dated guys and have had male friends complain about how "the wife is always angry............." In most cases I've encountered there's a reason behind the anger. I used to feel sorry for these guys, and got sucked into the pity party, "oh, poor, long-suffering so-and-so"..........until I started looking closer. As I've matured,I've come to understand that men and women both, will become increasingly angry if they feel they're not being heard and validated. When a person's point of view, or concerns are repeatedly dismissed, shrugged off, or ignored,anger is a natural reaction. In a long term R or M , it becomes a cumulative effect.It snowballs into something huge if it's not dealt with. Adding insult to injury, rather than dealing with the angry party,and working things out, there are some people who'll just whine about it to their friends behind their partner's back.(passive-aggressive, and escapist). The angry person is villified, demonized, and eventually outside parties begin to look at them through the lens of the complaining party. They begin to treat the angry person differently, which the angry person will pick up on .................and what happens next?? ....when the angry person puts two-and-two together, and realizes that they've been defamed in their absence, they become all the more angry!! I suspect this is part of what lead to your affair......you avoided facing your wife, because she was angry, and instead complained about her to your 'friend' . Which began an EA. Which lead to a PA. You said she was "supportive" of you. I'm guessing that means she showed sympathy for you, never asked you to be accountable for your role in the marriage dynamic, and told you everything you wanted to hear.She played 'the rescuer' to you playing the hapless 'victim'. What a huge ego stroke for her...............................and all the while pretending to be a friend to your wife as well.
luvstarved Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 OP, precisely what is your W angry about?? I'm not saying this is you, but I've dated guys and have had male friends complain about how "the wife is always angry............." In most cases I've encountered there's a reason behind the anger. I used to feel sorry for these guys, and got sucked into the pity party, "oh, poor, long-suffering so-and-so"..........until I started looking closer. As I've matured,I've come to understand that men and women both, will become increasingly angry if they feel they're not being heard and validated. When a person's point of view, or concerns are repeatedly dismissed, shrugged off, or ignored,anger is a natural reaction. In a long term R or M , it becomes a cumulative effect.It snowballs into something huge if it's not dealt with. Adding insult to injury, rather than dealing with the angry party,and working things out, there are some people who'll just whine about it to their friends behind their partner's back.(passive-aggressive, and escapist). The angry person is villified, demonized, and eventually outside parties begin to look at them through the lens of the complaining party. They begin to treat the angry person differently, which the angry person will pick up on .................and what happens next?? ....when the angry person puts two-and-two together, and realizes that they've been defamed in their absence, they become all the more angry!! I suspect this is part of what lead to your affair......you avoided facing your wife, because she was angry, and instead complained about her to your 'friend' . Which began an EA. Which lead to a PA. You said she was "supportive" of you. I'm guessing that means she showed sympathy for you, never asked you to be accountable for your role in the marriage dynamic, and told you everything you wanted to hear.She played 'the rescuer' to you playing the hapless 'victim'. What a huge ego stroke for her...............................and all the while pretending to be a friend to your wife as well. Seriously, this is an OUTSTANDING post. Well said!!!
freestyle Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 thanks, Lovestarved. Although, re-reading it, I just realized I made a grammatical error that makes it look like I've dated guys who've complained about their 'wives' always being angry. Whoops, I meant to say ex-wives........ I've never knowingly dated a married guy. The one guy I dated in particular who villified his ex to the extreme.... ......"she was always so angry!!"................. well, let's just say I eventually came to understand why she was so upset all the time. Go figure.
Samantha0905 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 IMO, the friend has perhaps shone a light on a path to health, but that path you must walk alone. Welcome to LS I think that is very true. Tell your wife about the affair. You ARE a coward if you don't. Not true. Perhaps, in some situations, it's very cowardly to tell. I'm sure that will bounce off walls though because some people here think telling is the ONLY way. That's not correct. Has your wife ever sought out anger management therapy? Sounds like she needs it. Also, an affair may have helped YOU, but it hasn't helped your marriage..If anything, having that affair has disconnected yourself emotionally from your wife. You feel no intimacy towards your wife because of the OW. He may have been disconnected intimately before the affair......... although the affair surely didn't help the marriage. I think in a marriage, both are equally responsible for the relationship. Before my affair, I certainly felt no intimacy and this was before I even met my AP.
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