rp123 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 After 80+ days NC I generally feel as if I am recovering very slowly.... And then Wham!! I get a truly painful period and feel like I'm back in the Agony/Desperation/Denial zone...... I know it WILL pass again, but these feelings are still so strong. Having a true heart break is utterly devestating......
Boundary Problem Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 (((hugs))) The wheel will keep turning and you will be back on top. Can you get some sleep?
EricaH329 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Just know that it will pass. We are all here for you. Are you keeping in contact with her?
Author rp123 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Hi Erica... I know your hurting too...! what a mess this is. I've had no contact with her for 80+ days. She sent me a text asking to speak to me after about 50 days, but I didn't reply as there was nothing about her text with showed anything has changed. She has met someone else. We were together 8years.... Some days now I feel quite good, and like I'm really on the mend, and then a bad day shows up, and the wound feels fresh and new all again... I really want to reach a stage of indifference and neutrality, but I'm way off that right now... I do believe that NC is the right option, but it just feels like there's infinished business.........
USMCHokie Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I do believe that NC is the right option, but it just feels like there's infinished business......... Yep...I had my McGrupp moment last week...and this week I'm doing quite a bit better...but I'm sure I'll have my downer again...we all do, it's just part of the process, so keep your head up and pointed in the right direction... NC is the right option...and you only feel like there's unfinished business because you were the dumpee...and you still have feelings for her and want her back in your life...and until you (1) get her back; (2) find someone new that is better than her; or (3) kick the bucket, it will always feel like unfinished business... Don't concern yourself with trying to reach full resolution...the resolution will come with time and effort on your part to move on...nothing she can do will help you close this chapter...it's something you have to find on your own...
GorillaTheater Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 McGrupp moment You'll know he's truly immortalized on LS when it becomes a verb. "I think I'm McGrupping here, guys."
USMCHokie Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 McGrupp moment You'll know he's truly immortalized on LS when it becomes a verb. "I think I'm McGrupping here, guys." I have a feeling it'll be on Wikipedia by the end of the week.
GorillaTheater Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 sweet...... No offense to you, man. If I get immortalized for anything here, it'll be for being a sarcastic dick. "Don't be such a Gorilla, dude."
sean1970 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I do believe that NC is the right option, but it just feels like there's infinished business......... I feel for you man... I am 57 days NC and almost lost it on the way to work. What business do you feel is unfinished?
EricaH329 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hi Erica... I know your hurting too...! what a mess this is. I've had no contact with her for 80+ days. She sent me a text asking to speak to me after about 50 days, but I didn't reply as there was nothing about her text with showed anything has changed. She has met someone else. We were together 8years.... Some days now I feel quite good, and like I'm really on the mend, and then a bad day shows up, and the wound feels fresh and new all again... I really want to reach a stage of indifference and neutrality, but I'm way off that right now... I do believe that NC is the right option, but it just feels like there's infinished business......... I know how you feel hun. Some days are a lottt better than others. Even though you are going through a rough patch right now, try really hard to remember how you felt when you felt better. Because you will feel like that again soon. This is all a part of the healing process, unfortunatly. What I found myself doing at the beginning of our break up was wanting so bad for it to be over, craving it, that I sort of tried to force myself into feeling better all the time. That backfired though, because the emotions you push away will come back full force. Just know that as muchhh as you want all of these crazy emotions to just go away, the more you force it, the worse it'll be. I've more recently tried a different approach, trying to work through these bad times so that something good comes out of it. Tell me, when you have these down moments, what is it exactly that makes you feel down? Missing her? Wishing she was still there? What goes through your mind? I think if we can pinpoint exactly what it is that makes you feel so bad sometimes, maybe you can try to change those thinking patterns. sean1970 -- Your picture is pretty intense, is that you?
sean1970 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 sean1970 -- Your picture is pretty intense, is that you? It is Jim Carey from 'Me, Myself, and Irene.' Not the first question I have had on it... Maybe its time for a new one...
EricaH329 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 It is Jim Carey from 'Me, Myself, and Irene.' Not the first question I have had on it... Maybe its time for a new one... I would have never guessed! I don't remember that part at all... either way though it's a good picture. Very appropriate
Author rp123 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I suppose I kind of lost myself during the last days of our relationship. I was not myself. What saddens me is that our last conversation was me on the phone drunk at 3am desperate and offering everything.... Its such an image of weakness it haunts me. I back now, and want so badly to re-address the balance. I'm astounded by the amount of growth thats taken place as a result of being so completely broken. I miss her too, and I torture myself with the images of her with her new man... I just seem compelled to create painful images in my mind just to check and see if they still evoke pain. They do...
kizik Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 not offended at all. Does anyone here besides me get your username? Have you been tending to the Watchful Hosemasters?
McGrupp Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 (edited) Does anyone here besides me get your username? if they play it tomorrow at MSG ill now its time to move on. What saddens me is that our last conversation was me on the phone drunk at 3am desperate and offering everything.... Its such an image of weakness it haunts me. I back now, and want so badly to re-address the balance. I'm astounded by the amount of growth thats taken place as a result of being so completely broken. now thats a mcgrupp moment Edited December 1, 2009 by McGrupp
EricaH329 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I suppose I kind of lost myself during the last days of our relationship. I was not myself. What saddens me is that our last conversation was me on the phone drunk at 3am desperate and offering everything.... Its such an image of weakness it haunts me. I back now, and want so badly to re-address the balance. I'm astounded by the amount of growth thats taken place as a result of being so completely broken. I can see why you feel the way you do, after things ended the way that they did. But, I know this isn't something you want to hear right now, what's done is done. Don't torture yourself over something that cannot be taken back. No matter what you say or do at this point, will not change the fact that things ended the way that they did. You should try finding a way that you can live with what you did. BTW - it wasn't that bad. Everyone does that from time to time. Have you forgiven yourself yet? Have you found a way to learn from what you did? I think once you find an acceptable balance between the two, you'll be able to move past that guilt you have placed on yourself. I miss her too, and I torture myself with the images of her with her new man... I just seem compelled to create painful images in my mind just to check and see if they still evoke pain. They do... Of course they still evoke pain. To be quite honest, they most likely will for a very, very long time. So how about you start creating images of yourself the way you want to be from now on? Those are much, much happier images. I understand your need for feeling. Feeling anything. But creating images just to prove that you are still in pain, does not accomplish anything except, well, pain. And you don't enjoy being in pain. So let's change that! Think of all the progress you've made within yourself thus far. Think of how much more progress you will make once you begin to focus solely on yourself! You will become a much stronger man after going through all of this, but you must allow yourself to. Holding on to all of these past emotions really isn't doing anyone any good. You know this.
McGrupp Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 you think thsts bad? cmon now. went up to see her, ate dinner and cried in front of her. then called her a bitch and a slut 2 weeks later. then we had a good convo. then called her a bitch again then had an awkward convo then called her drunk and asked for a 2nd chance, to which she said, "NO" and here is where i learned she was now blocking my calls man. you have regrets. i was the one who said, "we should take a break!!" .... eesh. thats my whole thing. but ya know. i dont know.
sean1970 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Originally Posted by rp123 I suppose I kind of lost myself during the last days of our relationship. I was not myself. What saddens me is that our last conversation was me on the phone drunk at 3am desperate and offering everything.... Its such an image of weakness it haunts me. I back now, and want so badly to re-address the balance. I'm astounded by the amount of growth thats taken place as a result of being so completely broken. Man, I am right there with you... Drove 4 hours to see her; did not get there till 5:30 am. Brutal... We did it because we were indeed weak at the time. Not weak people, just beaten down by the emotion of it all. The strongest of men are brought to their knees from grief like this. But we also did it because we know how much we cared. Originally Posted by rp123 I just seem compelled to create painful images in my mind just to check and see if they still evoke pain. They do... I too have poked myself with thoughts of the ex, seemingly on purpose. I am inclined to believe that it is our way of keeping something alive. If we dont forget, then it was real. It is a habit we need to break if we are going to be ok with us, let alone find someone else. And we will. I can see why you feel the way you do, after things ended the way that they did. But, I know this isn't something you want to hear right now, what's done is done. Don't torture yourself over something that cannot be taken back. No matter what you say or do at this point, will not change the fact that things ended the way that they did. You should try finding a way that you can live with what you did. BTW - it wasn't that bad. Everyone does that from time to time. Have you forgiven yourself yet? Have you found a way to learn from what you did? I think once you find an acceptable balance between the two, you'll be able to move past that guilt you have placed on yourself. Of course they still evoke pain. To be quite honest, they most likely will for a very, very long time. So how about you start creating images of yourself the way you want to be from now on? Those are much, much happier images. I understand your need for feeling. Feeling anything. But creating images just to prove that you are still in pain, does not accomplish anything except, well, pain. And you don't enjoy being in pain. So let's change that! Think of all the progress you've made within yourself thus far. Think of how much more progress you will make once you begin to focus solely on yourself! You will become a much stronger man after going through all of this, but you must allow yourself to. Holding on to all of these past emotions really isn't doing anyone any good. You know this. Great post Erica...
kizik Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 if they play it tomorrow at MSG ill now its time to move on. You, my friend, are now my friend.
mendsley Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 There is some really good insight and information in this thread. Erica you really know how to put things into perspective, good job One thing that really sticks out for me is; I miss her too, and I torture myself with the images of her with her new man... That has been my issue for that last couple of days, I hate it and can't control it very well. I do have to admit that I also think "I hope she falls flat on her face with this new guy. I hope he went thru the same crap I did with her so he can kick her to the curb and she feel the torture I am feeling". I know that is rude and I probably should not think like that, but it sure does help me flush those thoughts of her and the new guy together doing who knows what out of my mind!
EricaH329 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Thank you Sean and Mendsley! I, of all people, know what it's like to do something stupid and feel regret afterwards. I find it's much easier to deal with when you just say screw it, it happened, now what am I going to do to ensure it won't happen again. If it makes you guys feel any better, I can tell you for a fact that this poor new guy that your ex's are with, will not last. I'm 100% sure of it. So while you are thinking about those terrible thoughts, just know in the back of your mind that it'll end one day, and it'll be painful. But... you guys shouldn't be thinking about that anyway! There is someone else out there that is actually worth your thoughts and time. And until you find that person, I say you men should focus on becoming a better you.
Author rp123 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 So true, our ever insightful Erica......x I feel these insights too. Sometimes I seem to be flying. I've discovered so much about myself through this pain. I've read a ton of books, and examined my entire life. I am beginning to understand why I behaved in such a way, and sought to find, define, and be dependent on deriving my happiness from the girl I was with. When this fails and the other person bails out, you not only lose them, but you lose yourself too... I've done, and continue to do all those things recommended. Exercise, re-connecting with old friends, new interests ( I can dance a Tango now!!!) Self development, focus on yourself etc..... But I suppose its this staggered healing which is just so frustrating. Three steps forward, then two steps back. Just when you think you've nailed it, and arrived at stability, you get taken back to extreme pain... I long to arrive at a state of acceptance and calm that never leaves again.... Thank you all for your comments.... R.
EricaH329 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 So true, our ever insightful Erica......x I feel these insights too. Sometimes I seem to be flying. I've discovered so much about myself through this pain. I've read a ton of books, and examined my entire life. I am beginning to understand why I behaved in such a way, and sought to find, define, and be dependent on deriving my happiness from the girl I was with. When this fails and the other person bails out, you not only lose them, but you lose yourself too... I've done, and continue to do all those things recommended. Exercise, re-connecting with old friends, new interests ( I can dance a Tango now!!!) Self development, focus on yourself etc...... That's fantastic!! I'm so glad to hear that you are going out and having fun, and also learning a lot about yourself! That's great! You are already steps ahead of a lot of people. Good job! But I suppose its this staggered healing which is just so frustrating. Three steps forward, then two steps back. Just when you think you've nailed it, and arrived at stability, you get taken back to extreme pain... I long to arrive at a state of acceptance and calm that never leaves again.... Thank you all for your comments.... R. Yes, the rollercoaster always gets us. And it usually gets us when we feel the greatest. Never when we feel just alright, or maybe a little under the weather... it's when we feel on top of the world and we can do anything and feel great about ourselves. It's like a swift kick to the stomach. Brings you toppling over in a heartbeat. I wish it wasn't a part of the healing process. I wish that once you felt great, you felt great forever. No going back. But unfortunatly, it's something we all must go through. It definitely tests our strength and sanity. What I noticed though, is that the hard times are becoming less and less tough. Maybe that's because we are becoming stronger without realizing? It will eventually one day just be a far off memory. One that holds little emotional attachment. But in order to get there, we must endure the crappy times. By the end of all of this, I can gaurantee that you will be grateful it happened. You'll learn so much about yourself, and it'll become more clear what you want when entering a new relationship. We are all fighting the same battle. We just need to keep our heads up and push through it together.
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